One Year

[R.Everit55]

Tonight at 11:15 will be one year since ALS took so much from my bride and at that point her entire life.  I still wait for her to come home.  I still wait for her to come to bed.  I still reach for her side of the bed expecting to feel her there.  I don't want to do a second year like this.  I just don't want to.  I'm in a very deep depression in spite of therapy and meds.  I think sometimes I wish I didn't survive the heart attacks and the heart surgery.  Then I'd be with her and our baby girls and our Grandbaby girls.  This pain is excruciating.  How will I do a second year like this.  How will I survive tonight with those memories of telling her it's ok to let go.  It wasn't ok.  My bride my princess is gone.  It's not ok.  In any way.  

Butch

[Gwenivere]

Your post really resonates with me.  I am into that 2nd year and finding it harder to want to continue on as I have.  There have been times I feel improvement, but they are too fleeting to trust.  More and more I keep thinking I don't want to do this anymore.  I've never felt this way before so it is scary.  I try and keep 'perspective', but the reality hits that at one time I had someone 24/7 in my life and that is totally gone.  Not like someone moving away and you can still call.  Plus this was my partner, my best friend and deepest love.  I can keep loving, but I can't feel it back.  That I the worst part.  People tell me he still loves me.  Even if that is true, how does that help me if I can't see, hear, touch or talk to him?  I am told the 2nd year is harder because all buffers are exhausted.  Wether consciously or not, I think the 1st year is spent with some kind of hope this a nightmare that will end.  Energy is devoted to that and keeping busy.  By the end of that we realize the ultimate truth and are so very depleted emotionally. The thought of continuing takes so much energy knowing this is real.  I cry because he is gone and I cry for myself.  I want to scream at the universe as I did, but I'm too tired.  

No, it is not OK.  It never will be.  Perhaps we will adapt to living like this, but it will be a long, painful and slow one.  I wish I could say differently to help you and maybe others can.  But I know how you feel.  It's devastating. 

[Kpl48]

Starting the new year has been painful. Going through my husband's death anniversary and the holidays seems to have increased my grief. I intellectually know he can never come back to me as he was, but emotionally and spiritually I can't let him go. My therapist told me my husband is now like a comet crossing into another world and that I'm holding him back by hanging onto the comet's tail! Sobbing, I told her I can't let him go; I want him to stay with me. She told me I must accept he is gone, to which I said that I do, but I can't let him go. Living without him in my life is unbearable; I have to believe he is still with me in order to make it through each day.

Her words haunt me. What I need now is understanding and comfort, not separation from my husband. If healing means letting him go, I know I can do that in time. I'm just beginning the second year without him after 23 years together. I'm still mourning and adjusting to the reality that I need to build the good life he wanted me to have. I have to discuss this with her. If she pushes her way of thinking, I may have to find a new therapist. 

A friend of mine asked me if I felt angry (over my husband's death). I said no, but I'm kind of angry at God for taking my husband away from me. When I told my therapist this, she said God didn't take him...cancer did. My friend told me I might be so distressed because I want someone (other than myself) to take care of me the way my husband did. Maybe I'm like a little brat having a tantrum because I don't want to take responsibility for myself. My therapist has told me this also. My friend goes to this therapist too! I would like my husband to take care of me and I would like to take care of him. He is gone, so I can't do this on a material plane now. I'm now taking full responsibility for myself to the best of my ability. I know I must build a good life. 

Anyway, all this has been upsetting to me. This way of thinking makes me feel bad. It makes me worry about sharing my grief openly. I need understanding, support and comfort. I find myself trying to hide my grief from others more than usual. I don't want to hurt more than I already do. When I'm alone I'm usually in deep grief. This is when I long for my husband to be with me. I'm reluctant now to reach out to those close to me because I don't want to feel hurt. This is cutting me off from asking for help when I feel so bad. 

I needed to share about this. I hope you will share your ideas about all of this. I need help!

[Margm]

I do not know the reason we are left behind.  I feel like the good one was taken and here I am.  They say only the good die young, but my mama is 94 and that woman has been mean all her life, and I'm no spring chicken myself.  Now, I know I am going against the 10 commandments saying that.  All Billy used to have to say to me was "your acting just like your mama" and I would get angry, but I would correct what I was doing.  Mama has a mental illness though.  We have grief.  Your heart was physically repaired, but they could not close that gaping hole we all suffer from. (And, if I remember my medical stuff still, that surgery in itself brings on depression.)  I have no answers.  I lose myself in TV sometimes..  My friend told me "now you can find yourself."  I didn't know I was lost.  We have all lost half of ourselves and I don't know how to heal.  But, I used to say we were going  to RV and outrun death.  I was so smug.  If death is there, you are not going to outrun it and I was always the one who hated people saying you could not outrun it.  It will come to us soon enough.  But, I hope it lets me find my faith before it grabs me.  I have no answers, but I hope one day it gets easier.  And, I guess that is all any of us can hope for.  I go through a period of thinking my faith has returned, but while talking to Jesus, I wind up  talking to Billy.  I guess he just looks at him and shrugs.  We have to keep trying.  For some reason we are still here.  And, I don't know why, but if my Baptist upbringing is correct, I plan on being with Billy one day and I don't want to preach, but there is something in the Bible that talks about "peace passing all understanding."  And, we all need peace.  I so very much hope you find yours too.  

[scba]

Margareth, my mum believes that the good ones, those who have developed a sixth sense or a higher understanding of life, are taken at a young age. She lost his father and only brother, both in their 50s, and she told me she confirmed his belief when her best friend died in an accident and when my boyfriend died. She told me that he was enlightened with some unique quality, that in many ways he was better than her own sons. On the contrary, my grandma, her mother, lived in a wheelchair and lost in her mind for many years until her 80s. I cannot understand why god didnt call her, what was her supposed mission that kept her alive. I don't believe that we have a mission to do and then we are gone. But again, who knows, I have no answers too. 

[Margm]

The big mystery.  I wish they could come tell us.  

[WolfsKat]

 

1 hour ago, Kpl48 said:

I needed to share about this. I hope you will share your ideas about all of this. I need help!

Dear Kristine......I do not know if it is a help, but I can share my own feelings about what you wrote. I, too, would reject the idea of "letting him go".  I know my husband is gone from this life, that I will not be able to be with him in the physical sense, for the rest of whatever time I have left here.  But, I take a small amount of comfort in thinking he is still "with me" in the spiritual sense.  I still talk to him....and, I don't think that is crazy behavior, it is quite common, as I've learned here.  Every person has their own belief system, that is something very personal, and I believe that even if we may not agree, that those beliefs should be respected.  My personal belief is that those we loved, and lost, somehow still have the ability to know what we are going through, and still love us as they did here on this plane. And perhaps they try to send us comfort in our grief, as they now know that we WILL be reunited, for eternity, someday.  I'm not delusional, nor am I having "magical thoughts" that he will suddenly return....but I will continue to talk to him, to cherish and love him, and to try hard to make a life without him, even if it seems impossible right now, because I know he'd want me to still find some form of happiness even without him.....so I will do that, for him, in his honor and memory, and for me.  My Connor will always be in my heart, my mind, and my soul....this will NEVER change, and I totally reject the notion that I "should" feel any differently!  Again, I do not know if my words are of any help to you....but I sincerely wish you well on your journey through this horrible thing, grief!

[Kpl48]

Thank you so much WolfsKat. My ideas and beliefs about my husband and my relationship after his death are like what you described. He will always be with me and I will always be with him. We will be spiritually reunited when I die a natural death. I will do my best to live a good life like he wanted me to do. ?❤️??

[Margm]

And this is exactly what I want to believe.  I will find my faith again.  I know where it is, I just have to go to it.  Thank you both.  I think this has to be the "peace that passes all understanding" and, I know that comes from the Bible.

[Guest Janka]

8 minutes ago, Marg M said:

And this is exactly what I want to believe.  I will find my faith again.  I know where it is, I just have to go to it.  Thank you both.  I think this has to be the "peace that passes all understanding" and, I know that comes from the Bible.

  

I must agree with what you said.It´s written above.

Love you!

Janka

[kayc]

WolfsKat, you are not alone.  I don't care if I'm delusional or not, I still talk to George, look at his picture on the wall, think about him each and every day, that will never change.  He was the best part of my life, how could it!

[Margm]

Janka, wasn't it you that had the Minions on and his pet turned into the ladybug?  Here is our ladybug.

At the hospital Billy was in, the one who put him through so much misery I went down to the chapel.  No cross on the stained glass windows, only flying scarves.  The former Methodist minister told me he could not bring the Christian faith alone into the chapel because it was against the law.  I am sorry if I might be pushing my religion, or maybe my lack of faith, my search for faith again on anyone, but honestly, in my heart, I feel I will know no peace until I quit pushing it away because of my anger.  I have to find peace in my heart, in my mind.  

[hollowheart]

3 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Your post really resonates with me.  I am into that 2nd year and finding it harder to want to continue on as I have.  There have been times I feel improvement, but they are too fleeting to trust.  More and more I keep thinking I don't want to do this anymore.  I've never felt this way before so it is scary.  I try and keep 'perspective', but the reality hits that at one time I had someone 24/7 in my life and that is totally gone.  Not like someone moving away and you can still call.  Plus this was my partner, my best friend and deepest love.  I can keep loving, but I can't feel it back.  That I the worst part.  People tell me he still loves me.  Even if that is true, how does that help me if I can't see, hear, touch or talk to him?  I am told the 2nd year is harder because all buffers are exhausted.  Wether consciously or not, I think the 1st year is spent with some kind of hope this a nightmare that will end.  Energy is devoted to that and keeping busy.  By the end of that we realize the ultimate truth and are so very depleted emotionally. The thought of continuing takes so much energy knowing this is real.  I cry because he is gone and I cry for myself.  I want to scream at the universe as I did, but I'm too tired.  

This is the truth that people don't realize. As time passes we are expected to get better, not worse. Having my sister in my heart and my memories is great, but it doesn't really help me. I don't think I really feel her around me. I know once she came to me so clearly when I was asleep, woke me up and hit me on my hip and said "hey". It was so vivid I jumped and say "what?" and really saw her standing there smiling at me. That only happened once. 

I went to a couple of our favorite shopping places today. I got through it, but it was very depressing. I saw her in every aisle. I didn't walk in or out of the store with her, chatting, laughing. You are right the first year is spent in some sort of daze it's not really happening. I felt because I was still close in time to the incident I could some how turn back the clock. Just insane thinking. 

We have good days and bad days, good weeks and bad weeks. We will forever be on this roller coaster. I feel grievers always have to have a time stamp. 'In three months I will stop mourning and be better' That is not reality. I was told after Jan 1 to have a life plan to move on. Why? Does everyone else plan out their entire lives after Jan 1? It took me 8 years in a crappy job to finally get that moment where I wanted out of the sh*ty job role I'd been in all my life and that was before this tragedy. Now, with this weight on my shoulders I'm supposed to really have my act together? If I could switch my brain to "happy" I would. 

I know one day we will all do something we thought we could never do. And we'll do them with heavy hearts, but without tears this time. Then the next time we do it our hearts won't be so heavy. And even if our hearts are still heavy it doesn't mean we failed the Happy Course, it's just reality and the reality of our lives. 

[Guest Janka]

41 minutes ago, Marg M said:

Janka, wasn't it you that had the Minions on and his pet turned into the ladybug?  Here is our ladybug.

My dear Margaret,

it was me on the thread "For keeping you all smiling". I like The Minions (and especially that video) very much as well as those fairy-tales you put in here too. One of those Minions I have at home is a big plush toy of Kevin. He is so cute. Isn´t it?

With love Janka

[Guest Janka]

32 minutes ago, Marg M said:

Janka, wasn't it you that had the Minions on and his pet turned into the ladybug?  Here is our ladybug.

At the hospital Billy was in, the one who put him through so much misery I went down to the chapel.  No cross on the stained glass windows, only flying scarves.  The former Methodist minister told me he could not bring the Christian faith alone into the chapel because it was against the law.  I am sorry if I might be pushing my religion, or maybe my lack of faith, my search for faith again on anyone, but honestly, in my heart, I feel I will know no peace until I quit pushing it away because of my anger.  I have to find peace in my heart, in my mind.  

Dear Margaret,

looking at this picture I´ve come to a memory of me and my beloved man Jan.It was in 2007 after we came back from our holiday on Crete.We lay in the sun and saw a bush with 7 ladybugs sitting at.We also made a picture,because it was only once what we saw something like that.Very nice!My beloved Jan...I love him so much...he is my everything!

Janka

[R.Everit55]

These are the last 15 minutes with my bride one year ago.  I just laid beside her holding her hand with my other hand on her heart as it stopped beating.  Telling her I was there.  Telling her it was ok.  Telling her she'd always be my princess.  And all I did was hold her when her heart ceased to beat any longer.  I feel so cold right now.  My heart is aching.  

My bride you are still my everything I promise you always.  

Butch. 

[Margm]

I am removing my guilty feelings.  I do try hard not to remember them, but sometimes they slip up on me and I cry.  I hate crying, but I guess it helps deplete the sodium reserves.    

[R.Everit55]

Marg, death is not something we know is going to happen or not.  You hoped with all your heart it would be months.  You can't hold onto that guilt it will eat you alive and Your Billy would not and does not want that for you because he loved you.  You were angry not at him but at his illness.  

Bless you. 

Butch

[kevin]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VEvtIa1osA8           Death is a Bump in the Road.........little Religion so you are warned...but this is great

[Gwenivere]

5 hours ago, Kpl48 said:

Her words haunt me. What I need now is understanding and comfort, not separation from my husband. If healing means letting him go, I know I can do that in time. I'm just beginning the second year without him after 23 years together. I'm still mourning and adjusting to the reality that I need to build the good life he wanted me to have. I have to discuss this with her. If she pushes her way of thinking, I may have to find a new therapist. 

A friend of mine asked me if I felt angry (over my husband's death). I said no, but I'm kind of angry at God for taking my husband away from me. When I told my therapist this, she said God didn't take him...cancer did. My friend told me I might be so distressed because I want someone (other than myself) to take care of me the way my husband did. Maybe I'm like a little brat having a tantrum because I don't want to take responsibilit for myself. My therapist has told me this also. My friend goes to this therapist too! I would like my husband to take care of me and I would like to take care of him. He is gone, so I can't do this on a material plane now. I'm now taking full responsibility for myself to the best of my ability. I know I must build a good life. 

K, there is so much in your post that I see is tearing you up inside.  I also can see why.  I don't know what to make if your therapist and her ideas.  It is way too much to ask we let our loved ones go at this time.  I don't even really know what that means.  Forget them?  Act like it isn't so deeply painful?  I had to tell my counselor that I had to do things on my own schedule, but she had never pushed me to do anything but watch my thoughts and not let them overpower me.  Had she done what yours did I would have blown a gasket!  I am in my 2nd year, also, after 37 years and this is not something we adapt to in wha might seem like  a long tim to others, but it was our life for decades.  It's not like a roommate moved out!  

I don't think it as much taking responsibility of ourselves, it is adapting to being alone.  Alone 24/7 now.  I proved the first year I am a responsible adult.  I want to be with my partner.  I want to again share our joys and burdens.  I want to feel a part of a couple that chose to share life together.  I want to take care and be take care of too.  It was called...love.  This is deep mourning.  There are no rules or timetables beyond our own.  I truly hope your therapist heard you and becomes a helpful guide and stop telling you what you need to do like a checklist.

[R.Everit55]

Please remove my comments from this thread if you would.  Including the original one.  I feel like an idiot.  

Thanks.  Good luck to everyone here   

Butch. 

[Gwenivere]

4 hours ago, hollowheart said:

We have good days and bad days, good weeks and bad weeks. We will forever be on this roller coaster. I feel grievers always have to have a time stamp. 'In three months I will stop mourning and be better' That is not reality. I was told after Jan 1 to have a life plan to move on. Why? Does everyone else plan out their entire lives after Jan 1? 

HH, I would ignore whoever told you that.  There are no schedules except our own, if we can call them that.  I don't make plans.  I take it day by day.  Some are better than others.  Many suck.  The only reality us we are forever changed.  How we handle that is our own business.  You are a 'veteran' now.  We all start off confused and vulnerable.  As time passes we gain power and little tolerance to those who only can think they know what we live with.....or rather, without.  The last person that asked me an inappropriate question about my actions I told he could never understand and because of that had no business questioning or commenting on my feeling, choices or anything relating to my grief.  

[WolfsKat]

2 hours ago, R.Everit55 said:

Please remove my comments from this thread if you would.  Including the original one.  I feel like an idiot.  

Thanks.  Good luck to everyone here   

Butch. 

Dear Butch

I am sorry that you feel this way.....no, you are NOT. You are "one of us".......and there is not anything you could write that would ever make me think of you by that term!  What you wrote about your last minutes with your beloved wife was heartfelt and poignant......I could feel your shattering pain, but I could also feel your great and abiding love for her in your words, as well.....I would hate to see those honest emotions "deleted"  I am praying that you can get through this very sad time knowing that others here DO care...and wish you comfort. Blessings to you!

[Margm]

Kevin, there is nothing wrong with a "little" religion. I used to have a "lot" of religion, and there is a happy "medium."  Religion helps me, it aggravates some people.  I edited my post, it was a raw emotion that I try to keep hidden, but I just bled all over the place.  This is not the old days in medical science and they do not bleed people anymore to help with medical conditions. (Well, actually they do to help with one condition, but I cannot remember the name anymore since I retired from the medical field.)  I just want to get to the point that I don't count my days Billy has been gone.  I think the majority of us, if we have any religious knowledge at all, feel like we are in purgatory, just waiting to go one way or the other.  Some days I feel I am headed in the right direction, some days I think I am falling into hell. I hope all my widowed friends (and I sure have a lot of those) are correct and it does get easier.  I loved your post above.  Thanks.  

[enna]

My heart goes out to all of you. Each one of us goes through our grief as only we know how. My journey is not fresh as many of yours is but it is still painful and always will be. I read and hear your pain. I find courage in how you open your raw selves up to one another. Talking does help in a world where most don't want to hear about grief. Here we can talk and accept where each person is ~ some days all we can do is breathe and...