Letting The Anger Out Of The Bottle

[Gwenivere]

Last night I felt utterly crushed in this grief. I opened myself up to another part of this pain.  Deep anger at Steve.  The taboo thing I have felt many times, but when talking or writing would shove aside because if people couldn't handle the painful grief, how would they handle this?

I spent years being a partner thru the hell of his illness.  He was freed from that suffering.  He was never alone during any step, Now that he is gone, I am alone with the largest pain I have ever felt and he is not there for me.  There were frustrating times when I would be drained of energy to be always kind and understanding.  Sometimes he was downright difficult to deal with.  You do what you have to do because you love them.  There isn't any thought at all of doing otherwise.

Now I think about what I am left with after enduring that.  An empty life alone after years of losing so many things along the way.  It finally came out.  I am bitterly angry at him for leaving.  It doesn't matter that I know why.  There is no logic involved here.  It is because I feel he was never alone and now I am.  I cursed him for the first time in earnest about doing this to me.  That for loving me, this was the most hurtful thing he ever did.  I watched our lives drained away by a demon, what I am left with what?  Another hell I must navigate alone.  People will occasionally ask how I am doing, but more often it is about how they miss Steve.  What about me?  I'm still here and suffering.  Where is all that fuzzy support?  Because I am alive I don't warrant needs as much as he did?  (Rhetorical questions). This is one hell of an ending to all the sacrifices we both made.  

So, there it is.  I have given myself permission to be furious with him.  I know the man well enough that he would totally understand it.  I will never lose the love, but I have to release all the feelings.  Steve was no angel, neither am I.  We never did settle an ongoing discussion about if we loved each so much, who would be the one that stayed behind to spare the other that pain.  We both wanted to go first.  That led to questions about how could we do that to the other person.  Without choice, he did it to me and I am very angry at him for it.  It's allowed, it's one of those things couples tangle about.  

Steve got all the support and sympathy.  I did for a few weeks.  I am very angry at him right now and I am so grateful to Marty and this place I can express all phases as they occur without judgement.   This is why when I am told he still loves me, I bristle at times because emotionally I feel if he did, he would never have done this to me.  I know he didn't on purpose, but I'm still made about it and love him more than ever.

[KarenK]

I don't believe that I've ever been angry at Ron for leaving. If anything, that anger is directed at myself and cancer.

Marriage is hard. You learn to make sacrifices. I cared for him through diabetes, heart attacks, and finally cancer for 20 of the 40 years that we were married. Like you Gwen, you don't give it a second thought, you just do it because you love them no matter what you lose along the way. Had the tables been reversed, they would have done it for us.

In our years of  marriage, there were many times when I wished that he would just "go away", usually after a horrible argument.  I just wanted to be alone. "Alone" is not near as pleasant as I thought it would be.

"Be careful what you wish for" comes to mind. I certainly did not want him to die and I did not cause him to go away. Cancer stole him.

[Gin]

Gwen,

  i understand your anger.  I have so many feelings and sometimes I do not even know what they

are.  I feel so isolated and alone.  I have a few good friends, but several of them are sick now and causing

me more concern.  One in a nursing home with a stroke and one fighting cancer.  I never dreamt that it would all end like this.  The weather is so cold and icy that I have been staying in.  I cannot afford to fall with a bad knee. I, too was a caregiver for quite awhile.  I never resented it.  More than happy that I could help him.  The last year he was almost blind from glaucoma and he was so frustrated.  I do not really know what I feel, but I certainly understand your anger.  It is such a hard road.  I wish everyone on this site lived in one geographical area so we could help each other.

gin

[WolfsKat]

I've experience intense anger, as well. One memorable night, I literally tore up the house, stomping through rooms, tossing things, breaking things....screaming my anger out loud, not caring if the neighbors heard or not!  And....found out I could be very fluent in profanity!  I was angry at Connor for not listening to me when I kept on urging him to get checked out....mad at myself for not just forcing him to go in....mad at the medical community for not finding a miracle for him....mad at God for murdering Connor (that is exactly how it felt)....mad at people quoting stupid platitudes to me....mad that I could not just die, too....mad because all of our dreams and plans were GONE.....mad at the world, and everything in it, basically!  Although horrible, and draining, releasing all of that anger was also cathartic, in a way. I NEEDED to....so I did so.....no apology for it, not even to myself. And, actually....feeling very angry feels better than just feeling grief.  I still have anger episodes, but I just let myself feel it....it needs to "get out"....bottling it up will create a pressure cooker that will blow, otherwise. But I've not run amok like I did that one night...although I believe it was necessary at that time.

[hollowheart]

3 hours ago, WolfsKat said:

 I was angry at Connor for not listening to me when I kept on urging him to get checked out....mad at myself for not just forcing him to go in....mad at the medical community for not finding a miracle for him....mad at God for murdering Connor (that is exactly how it felt)....mad at people quoting stupid platitudes to me....mad that I could not just die, too....mad because all of our dreams and plans were GONE.....mad at the world, and everything in it, basically! 

Yep, yup and YESSSSS!! This exactly. I could replace your Connor's name with my sister and this is just how I feel. To put it plainly. I'm just mad. It's awful being stuck in an un-fixable situation. Especially when it affects you all the time, everyday, all day.

You put this perfectly. I have punched a few things, but mostly scream in my head. I do feel like being violent sometimes, just want to Hulk Smash in anger. Trying to live life and be around people with this anger is not easy.

[Guest]

Gwen-

Anger is a legitimate emotion and I am glad you are expressing it.  I am not there yet.  I get angry with cancer, but cancer is intangible.  I am jealous of couples, especially those who don't know and appreciate what they have.  I resent the countless people I see who spend so much time harming themselves when my darling wife spent so much time taking care of herself only to be struck down by cancer anyway.  

I do believe Steve does understand.  I know Deedo does/will because that is who she was/is.  I believe I know what a struggle it has been for you, particularly as of late.  I do hope that by expressing your anger it will help in the long term to refocus your grief and help to find a modicum of peace.

[Guest Janka]

I´m opposite of this.I´ve never been angry at my beloved Jan who died as it wasn´t his fault...I´ve never been angry at God who saved the souls of us two...We two were blessing by this kind of love that others can be only dreaming of...I appreciate it with all my heart...I´ll pray for all of you to find such a comfort too...

Love you all !

Janka

[Gwenivere]

8 hours ago, WolfsKat said:

I was angry at Connor for not listening to me when I kept on urging him to get checked out....mad at myself for not just forcing him to go in....mad at the medical community for not finding a miracle for him....! 

I still have anger episodes, but I just let myself feel it....it needs to "get out"....bottling it up will create a pressure cooker that will blow, otherwise. 

I guess what is different this time is I did the anger at the med community and how this changed my life.  I hadn't used my penchant for profanity directed at Steve.  I don't think (sure hope not) that I will feel this way forever, but it was in there.  All feelings have to come out as you said.

4 hours ago, Brad said:

I do believe Steve does understand.  I know Deedo does/will because that is who she was/is.  I believe I know what a struggle it has been for you, particularly as of late.  I do hope that by expressing your anger it will help in the long term to refocus your grief and help to find a modicum of peace.

Thank you, Brad.  I am hoping this is just another step in my process.  As you said, I also have a hard time seeing other couples and usually felt so cheated and alone.  I don't know if I will ever get used to missing that connection.  This time I needed to tell Steve what this did to me in no uncertain terms.  We did this in life, always honest with each other, so seemed fitting now.  

[marsha]

Gwen, you are absolutely  justified in feeling this way. Don't back down from the anger. It's painful as hell, and guilt inducing (and all the crap that goes along with THAT), but I it's necessary. Get it out. This is what you're feeling, for G-d's sake!

[kevin]

I was mad at the man upstairs...for awhile. Asked the why question, as the caregiver for 3 + years blamed myself. Now in reflection , it was the finest test of my character, and now to maintain that character......this whole journey has changed each one of us, its up to each individual to benefit from this change.........now I don't feel too benefited right now, but I am looking forward to when I do.......and it will happen....fighting with Telephone and TV guys today(cancelling land line and using VOIP...computer phone).......but got my TV remote working.....have a good one everybody..

[Gin]

Kevin,

Guilt was my major problem after Al's death.  I took care of him with his many health problems, but still did not think he would leave me so soon.  I kept thinking that I must not have reported something to the doctors.  Or maybe should have changed doctors, even if he did not want to.  He was completely blind the last few months and he depended so much on me.  I felt like I let him down.  We all are hoping for better days ahead.

Gin

[Guest Janka]

1 hour ago, Gin said:

Kevin,

Guilt was my major problem after Al's death.  I took care of him with his many health problems, but still did not think he would leave me so soon.  I kept thinking that I must not have reported something to the doctors.  Or maybe should have changed doctors, even if he did not want to.  He was completely blind the last few months and he depended so much on me.  I felt like I let him down.  We all are hoping for better days ahead.

Gin

Oh my dear Gin,

it really brought the tears into my eyes reading what you´ve been going through.I feel in your words so much love that you feel for your beloved one.I hold you close to my heart and pray for everyone here to find at least a little bit of comfort and peace.

With love Janka

[hollowheart]

2 hours ago, Gin said:

Kevin,

Guilt was my major problem after Al's death.  I took care of him with his many health problems, but still did not think he would leave me so soon.  I kept thinking that I must not have reported something to the doctors.  Or maybe should have changed doctors, even if he did not want to.  He was completely blind the last few months and he depended so much on me.  I felt like I let him down.  We all are hoping for better days ahead.

Gin

Guilt was my major problem after my sister passed. It still is. I know I let her down and it's the major thing I deal with in therapy. She was just laying there almost unconscious, which let her totally dependent on me and I let her down and did nothing. I will never forgive myself.

Gin, I hope for better days too. I just put one foot in the other most days. Guilt over a death is excruciating.

[Gwenivere]

I really feel for all if you that feel guilt.  I don't feel that, only cheated being left with continuing sadness after years of watching this unfold to its ultimate end.  I cannot imagine what you all feel having guilt added to it.  My heart goes out to you all struggling with this.  It is a feeling I can only imagine and we all know that doesn't even come close to what something truly feels like. 

[hollowheart]

20 hours ago, TH said:

I feel a lot of guilt over missed opportunities, mistakes made, chances that should have been taken, bad decisions, anything that took away from just the beauty of being with R and loved by him. I rehash so many things I want to have done differently and it is eating away at me a bit, I'm trying to focus on one day at a time and settle the swirling thoughts.

Yes, me too. All I do is re-think and re-hash the wouldas, couldas, shouldas. Also, I had such a bad decision in waiting until the next day to call an ambulance, I can't let that rest. Who does that? The guilt over knowing I could have saved her life is threatening to eat me alive.

It took me a while to get angry. So Gwen I feel like I know where you are coming from now. I feel the unfairness of the situation (why did my sister have to have heart problems?) and I hate that I couldn't save her. I hate my life had to be altered and I had to be left alone. Had this not changed my life so much, then obviously I could deal with it better. I'm angry I am left with such a hole in my heart and life. I definitely feel jealousy and anger.

[Froggie4635]

I haven't experienced anger...like Karen said I am not angry at Mark for leaving...it wasn't his choice to go and I can't be mad at him for something he didn't choose.  I guess it goes back to what my mother instilled in me....that we are allotted so much time on this Earth, and when your number is up, it's up.  I get frustrated because now my life is changed and I was happy with it the way it was; it took me so many years to get to that point, and now it is back to square one, except now I have this HUGE hole in my heart that hurts sometimes so much I can't breathe.  My mind is all messed up, and the person I always could lean on is gone.  How can you feel anger when you really have no one/nothing to cause it?  Does anger always need to be directed AT someone/something?  So many emotions of grief are all meshed together, and some times you can't separate them out and deal with them one on one...like a logical thinker like me prefers to do. 

[MartyT]

Anger is not necessarily a part of everyone's grief experience. This question is addressed in this article: Is Anger One Of The Stages of Grief?

[hollowheart]

49 minutes ago, Froggie4635 said:

 I get frustrated because now my life is changed and I was happy with it the way it was; it took me so many years to get to that point, and now it is back to square one, except now I have this HUGE hole in my heart that hurts sometimes so much I can't breathe.  My mind is all messed up, and the person I always could lean on is gone. 

This is exactly how I was feeling seconds before I saw this post. I was literally just thinking about how I hate that my life has changed forever. My life was not all roses and puppies but it was moving along OK. I had finally gotten serious about looking for a job I actually liked, I was focusing on losing weight, was enjoying eating better and shopping healthier. Then this happened.

Like you, I am also back to square one and this is what brought so much anger and resentment to friends who kept pushing (ordering) me to make plans and move on with life. I was already doing that, and just like you said, now I am trying to do it with a huge hole in my heart, without my go-to person, without my cheering section. I'm trying to do it with a tragedy on my mind and trauma over all the circumstances of her passing in general.

This is not some self-help situation that a motivational speaker can help with about getting your life together.

As far as anger, I usually feel angry at having to deal with this situation. I'm talking about being sad all the time, over this changing my life for the worse, not better. I feel angry at the changes I have to deal with now, such as trying to care for the cat my sister left behind when no one can take her, her household, and will me and my Ma have to move in the future, just things that are now irritating problems that we were not thinking about and now are forced on us when we didn't want it.

[Gwenivere]

1 hour ago, Froggie4635 said:

My mind is all messed up, and the person I always could lean on is gone.  How can you feel anger when you really have no one/nothing to cause it?  Does anger always need to be directed AT someone/something?  So many emotions of grief are all meshed together, and some times you can't separate them out and deal with them one on one...like a logical thinker like me prefers to do. 

Your first sentence is the source of the anger I feel at times.  My mind needs a target when it deals with emotions.  In reality it is the cancer I am furious at.  What it did to our life and taking half of it away.  Being a logical thinker also, I find all of this very frustrating because logic does not apply unless one can coldly look at the situation and see it actually makes sense.  A terminal disease (or accident) took the life of someone we loved.  It's really not that complicated looking at the facts.  I can look at the whole thing from the day he came home and told  me til his last day.  But get into the emotional fallout and all logic and rational thinking falls apart.  It is because of the emotions we are where we are.  Stating the obvious there, I know.   2 celebrities have died this week I really liked.  But they are not woven into my life and I can look at them rationally.  Plus not hear the pain those left behind feel as I do here or people I know personally.  On a tangent, I do know someone with Asbergers (so) and have seen him react to his losses logically and not tangled in emotion.  That is something I do not understand.

[Gwenivere]

2 hours ago, hollowheart said:

The guilt over knowing I could have saved her life is threatening to eat me alive.

You have said this many times and I am wondering, and you certainly don't have to answer, but have you talked with someone that has confirmed your actions, or not, directly created this outcome?

[hollowheart]

20 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

You have said this many times and I am wondering, and you certainly don't have to answer, but have you talked with someone that has confirmed your actions, or not, directly created this outcome?

I talk to my counselor about this because this is the one loop about this whole thing I can't get out of. This has not been confirmed and I know that if I knew for sure, that if someone told me 'Yeah, if you had just gotten her here in time we could have done something' I really would kill myself because I really couldn't live with that knowledge.

I know I probably need to know to get out of this loop, but I know I don't want to know for certain. But knowing that we didn't even give her a chance at the hospital is what drains me. At the very least I could say we did everything we could. She was someone I loved dearly  and I didn't have sense enough to just call 911. Instead I let another day go by and she got worse. I"m sick of this loop myself because I can't do anything to change it. I want her back so bad I think I just don't know what to do with these thoughts.

[Gwenivere]

I'm so sorry, HH.  I can see what a conflicting place you must be in.  I only wish I knew some helpful words.  Maybe someday you will be ready to talk to the doctors and find some solace.  But I understand your reluctance.

[Gwenivere]

Not sure this is going to work.....

[Gin]

I am also plagued with guilt.  My husband had so many things wrong.  He had multiple doctors.  Cardiologist did not think all his problems were from heart failure.  Neither did his internist.  All the docs that saw him in the hospital did think so.  I keep thinking that I should have reported something to them.  He had filled up with fluid and they seemed to have solved that.  His pressure kept dropping.  I would think they could have given him something to raise it.  Anyway, I just felt that I let him down.  His internist said that I took such good care of him that I probably gave him extra years.  That did not take away the guilt I feel.  Maybe I should have changed doctors.  It is hard to think that maybe there was something I could have done and he would still be with me.

gin

[hollowheart]

Gin, me too. My sister had heart failure and fluid built up too. That last day I just made the stupid, stupid decision to wait until morning to go to the doctor when she was just about unconscious and I don't know why. I listened to my mom who said we'd go in the morning. So stupid! She might be alive right now. Even if she was weaker and still sickly she'd be alive. She had drank a lot of water and messed herself up. I know she'd be alive had she gone when she first started feeling bad. She just got worse and worse and there was no where else for her to go but down without medical attention. I let her down. I know something could have helped her had we acted fast enough. I'll never let that go.