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hollowheart

Emotional and Mental breakdown

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I had an emotional breakdown last night. I think by breakdown standards it was pretty mild, but thinking about my sister I just couldn't stop and I just started to miss her so much. I just couldn't stop thinking about the past and the now non-existent future and her absence was making me crazy. I felt like I was locked in a box. I loved her apartment and it was a way to escape home and have fun with her. Now I'm just trapped at home with no where to hang out. 

I think it was also a bad day because my Ma keeps claiming she will go out with me, but she is old with a bad back and I know she doesn't really want to do it. An aunt came by to drive us on some errands and she didn't even want to get out of the car, instead wanting me to do the shopping. That would be fine usually but it just made me miss my sister more knowing she is all I have left for hanging out with and we are out 30 minutes and she starts going on and on about getting home to lay down. 

It's just hard because before things worked out in she could stay home and I had my sis to run the streets with and we are just alike. Now all I have is my mom and she just want to lie down every second. It makes me feel so lonely and just trapped sometimes. Getting a ride to our errands and she not even wanting to get out of the car was depressing. She is pretty lazy too despite being old (early 70's)  all it did was make me long for my sister and make the day worse.  

We went one place and she gets in the car and starts going nonstop about being tired and ready to lie down. I'm thinking, if I did get a car I'd still be alone. I know she would just want me to go out and bring her stuff back. Which would be great if I had the company of my sister.  we'd be out all day and just bring her stuff back. Perfect. My reality just got to me. Just made me want to just not want to even wake up. I'm tired of being lonely. This is horrific. 

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HH, I know it feels suffocating.  That's why it's so important to work on your grief because just feeling the feelings alone is not enough to bring about changes to make your life more tolerable.  It really does take seeing a grief counselor, journaling, depicting where you want your life to go now through art therapy or some other form, and taking baby steps to move yourself there.  Grief support groups are good too.  Making a new friend needs to be priority as you need that so badly.  I know you feel stuck and trust me when I say it's not easy.  I worked so hard at it and even so it was a struggle, but I'm still working at it.  If I gave up and stayed home alone all the time and sunk into despair it would hurt me the most.

Now, big sister advice aside, big HUGS to you!  I do know the feelings, it's frightening how overwhelming it can feel.  Doing something about it, no matter how small at first, will help you feel more in control and more positive outlook for your future.  Just don't give in!

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Hollowheart,

I am still finding my way dealing with the loneliness and the ambushes every day but it pains me to see you in such an agony.  There are something I am doing that may be helpful to you.

Have you heard of Faster EFT (emotionally focused transformation)? it is quite a simply technique, you tap around your median points - right or left side of the forehead, temple, , underneath your eye, and your collar bone, saying " let it go" , then hold your wrist saying " peace".  It is in line with the tai chi principles.   You can repeat the technique as frequently as needed.  It would not take away the grief but it does give you a break in dealing with the crippling sadness.  I find it most useful at bed time.

Another coping mechanism is to write down what you want to say or share with  your sister - they can be very tedious.  At the grief counseling session, share them with your counselor as she were your sister.

Losing a sister is very different than losing a spouse.  We never had to look for love or soulmate, our sisters were here to share our lives,for better or worse, with us since they came to this world. Like you, my sister and I were never apart and did everything together, I never had to tell her how much I loved her or treasured her, it was mutually understood without uttering a single word of love.

There is another good way to meet with like-minded people - see if there are "meetup" groups in Chicago and put in your interests.   

I know I will never get over the pain of losing my beautiful younger a sister. I have decided to dedicate my life to carry on my sister's legacy by being charitable and doing volunteer work, it gives me a purpose to live and to be a contributing member of the society.  I  still have suicidal thoughts and the continued wailing does not go away anytime soon, It is to be expected with loss of this magnitude.  In your case, you can start looking for a career change when you are mentally and physically  up to the task as a way to honor your sister.  

Wishing you better days ahead.

 

 

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Hope Lowe,

Welcome to this site, but I'm sorry for the reason for it.

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Hope, thank you for your words. I have been having some bad last few days. I think the weekends are insufferable. Just so much downtime that I used to spend with her and now it's spent forcing myself to do things I don't even want to do. I love TV, but was never a Zombie TV head, and now I have become like my mother, doing nothing but staring at the TV. I always had my sister to break that up and even if WE watched TV/movies it was doing it together and there was fun and laughter and conversation, not just silence.

I also still need a car and it depresses me knowing that I won't have her to help me,not to mention it's not even a happy occassion now. She is not here to share in the joy of that, we were looking forward to me getting a car so long and then this happens. It is not fair!!!! I hate this life!!! I am tired of being so lonely.

btw, I have seen those EFT things on youtube and, no offense, but find it ridiculous. I just looked at few and thought, no, that is not for me.

I could always believe that losing her would be horrible, but the reality is so much worse. This reality that I can't change is going go swallow me whole. I just can't stand it sometimes. I just get tired of trying to find something to do. So much of my downtime was spent with her. Even when I did leave her and do things, it was done with a different mentality, of course. I could enjoy stuff on my own because I had just spent 5 hours talking and laughing and was fine with some alone time. Then I'd go back. Now it's just 100% alone time trying to find something to do.

I'm not there yet in terms of doing things to honor her, I'm just still so sad. Her bed was stripped as she passed away there and my mom wants me to help her make up the bed, I just can't even go back in her bedroom and my mom is annoyed. She feels like she always had her bed made and looking pretty and she wants to fix it up and I just can't stand being in her apartment. I loved going over there, it was fun and now it's just like hell to me. My mom doesn't get it, she things it's being to dramatic and I know we will just start arguing again.

People tell me she wouldn't want me so sad. She probably wouldn't but that doesn't help me. I can't not be sad because she wouldnt' want me not to be. I need her back and I can't have her. I can't stand it.

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Hollowheart, I have been crying since last weekend.. I am usually thinking about something and just randomly thoughts of my brother pop up in my head and I end up in tears.. or maybe because his birthday is coming up early next month. I have already applied for leave on that day. I want to spend the day with my family.

I am saddened by the fact that he wont be celebrating his 28th birthday. He still got excited about birthdays. He was totally happy with his life. No matter whatever ups and downs he faced, he believed god is there to help him, such a pious soul..

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People told me my husband wouldn't want me to cry, yet that's BS because he would be the first one to understand my tears and would just want to comfort me.  We can't wear a mask and pretend it's life as usual!  To tell someone that, true or not, can make them feel they are grieving inappropriately, which just isn't true.  Your feelings and expressions are very valid and if situations were reversed it'd be our loved one crying!  Yes there comes a day we have to expend effort to create somewhat of a life for ourselves, but in the beginning sometimes all that is possible is to cry.  

(((hugs)))

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On 1/20/2016 at 8:24 PM, hollowheart said:

I could always believe that losing her would be horrible, but the reality is so much worse. This reality that I can't change is going go swallow me whole. I just can't stand it sometimes. I just get tired of trying to find something to do. So much of my downtime was spent with her. Even when I did leave her and do things, it was done with a different mentality, of course. I could enjoy stuff on my own because I had just spent 5 hours talking and laughing and was fine with some alone time. Then I'd go back. Now it's just 100% alone time trying to find something to do.

 

When she was alive I remember having a dream about her death, I cried so much that morning and found it very difficult to talk about the dream with her but then I told her what I saw, she comforted me and then explained to me that if her time comes she has to leave but she also promised me that she won't leave me so soon.. I never thought the reality would be so much much worse.

Like you, I could normally spend some hours without her as I have been with her for the rest of the time but now it has been months without her and it's killing me. I want her back.

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Virgo--it's nice to see you back. I have been doing the same with those random thoughts. It's the downtime I have that gets me so emotional because whenever I'd have those boring moments before I'd face time her or just go over there and hang out. Now I have to just keep on sitting with myself and trying to find something to do. It makes me stir crazy and feel very trapped and crazy.  I just miss our conversations. We had some good ones. I miss our movie time.

Kay--I have to be honest, I really hate when people ask me "what would your sister want?" or "She wouldn't want you feeling this tortured"  Well, I don't know that. I don't know what she would want and I know she'd expect me to be sad. I hate questions about what would she want. I wish she was here so I could ask her!

Mom's Angel--the dreams I would have all the time were of me and my sister surviving some zombie apocalypse or killer or something. We loved horror movies and I used sometimes have dreams of us running from something and I was saving her. Maybe that's why I'm so heartbroken. I couldn't save her. I couldn't protect her the way I wanted too.

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