Feel invisible

[CL]

Hello Everyone,  This is my first time posting in this forum, though I've been reading it for quite a while - many thanks to all of you for your heartfelt sharing which has helped me

know that my own feelings are normal.  What's got me writing now is that I have become more and more aware of how enraged I feel at nearly all my so-called friends who over the past many years have acted basically like nothing has happened, when in fact my beloved husband died 16 months ago after a long journey through Dementia.  It's like I'm invisible, or my pain is invisible - though I have openly spoken of it many times.  Or maybe it's like they suddenly learned that I have a deadly communicable disease so they run the other way.  Only one friend has drawn closer to me, and that has been a real lifesaver for me.  Same story with my family.  I mean, I literally tell people that I feel like my life has collapsed because the central pillar is gone.  Does anyone hear that?  Does anyone care at all?  I'm just so enraged right now I don't know what to do with all these feelings.  Sometimes I want to scream at all of them, sometimes I want to suddenly just move away and tell none where I went, or whatever.  OK, so maybe they haven't experienced this kind of loss so they just don't know - but it sure seems to me that they don't want to know either.  The information is everywhere if they cared to find out what it's like for us living with these profound losses.  

Thanks for hearing me.  I'm just so fed up.

[Guest Janka]

Dear CL,

I´ve noticed that you signed in for a while and I´m glad that you´ve made up your mind to start posting in here.It was me who started a thread about "so-called friends" in my life.So good that you open up to others here for sharing anything that relates to this problem we all on this board have to struggle with.It is well known feeling about those people who don´t wish to talk about any loss we go through.Some of them because they´re happy and don´t want to remind any previous losses of the past;some of them because they never had to experience any kind of loss like this;some of them because they´re too selfish to deal with someone else´s loss and some of them for reasons that we don´t get to know at all.I´ve learned that where is no humility,modesty and respect,there is no goodwill,understanding and help.It´s all about people around and we must recognize who is the true friend and who is not.Sometimes we must nudge them a little bit.If they´re real friends,then it helps,but if it´s not useful,there is nothing we can do with and it´s a sign of "so-called friends" we should let go.It´s my experience and of course the others here can give you their own experiences too.It´s all up to you.We all are here for you to help you as much as possible to go through.

I´m very sorry for your loss!I lost my beloved man,the love of my life and my everything so suddenly from morning till night.He was healthy and it were the doctors who killed him.He could be alive now.It´s been 4 years for me now and I had to learn living with the hardest wound of my whole life...I had to learn coping with my lifelong loss...I had to learn going on through all of this...It´s not any better or easier for me now,it just became more bearable over time,nothing more and nothing less.It always hurts the most and he is still my only one I live for every second of my life,because I know that one day we´ll meet again...being as one...in love for eternity!

Love never ends!

Hugs from Janka

[Gwenivere]

Sadly, what you are experiencing is all to normal.  I'm glad you gave yourself permission to get angry.  It took me a while to get there to vent and purge from my system.  It sounds like you are caught in that place where people think things have got to be better by now.  I know at 15 months nothing is further from the truth.  They don't understand that we don't 'get used to it', but that we have spent even more time in that loneliness.  Those long nights.  Yes, we don't go as crazy as we first did, but we are still alone in our hearts 24/7.  They will never understand unless it happens to them.  At this point I am rather glad those that don't get it have fallen out of my life.  They very few still there are precious.  And I can always come here and know that absolutely people will get it.  It's hard, tho, trying to make sense of life again when you feel abandoned by the living.  It is pain enough we lost our loves forever.  

[kayc]

CL,

I'm glad you've decided to make yourself visible here, but I'm sorry that you lost your husband.  My husband was everything in the world to me, and I keenly feel his loss all these years later. I think people act like this because they're afraid to face their own loved ones' mortality.  They are very uncomfortable.  But it angers me too, that they can be so selfish as to not care about you!  Friendship should be deeper than that.  You are right, they don't understand, but neither do they try to.  I guess it's one of those things you can't understand  until you experience it.  It's time to get some supportive people in your life.  Have you tried a widow's group or met with others who have lost someone?  There is a bond between us, no matter what our backgrounds, how we vote, what religion, we all have this in common:  There was a day when our lives changed forever.

[hollowheart]

CL, I'm so glad you posted to get it out. Believe me, we all have experienced what you are talking about. We become the Elephant in the room no one wants to deal with or know how to. Everything Janka said about why they act that way is true. It may sound dumb to ask someone grieving "how are you doing?" but in reality I'd take that over silence. My friend usually just says "I'm just calling to check in on you" I get people have busy lives, but no one is that busy.

I have gone round and round with my feelings on this. For a long time I didn't want to talk to anyone. I only wanted to talk about me and my feelings.

When I got to the point that I was able to and wanted to talk about something else, there was still no one there! I think that was an extra bit of a sting. I reached out and...I still have to do the reaching out. I know that I can easily ask someone out or ask them to lunch, but it makes me mad I have to seek them out first. Even worse, I may make plans but by the time the date rolls around they are either tired from the week, have something that came up or forgot, or really didn't want to do what I wanted to do in the first place. 

If my sis was here, I'd be like 'whatever' and go do something with her. But now losing that date is devastating now. Me and my sis would decide to do something the day of. No one I know wants to do anything on that short of notice. I just hate my life now. It's so boring and sad and empty.  Just me and my best friend named ipad.

 

[ardeer0630]

I am thankful that I found this forum.  I just started reading the posts last week and realized that this is what I have been looking for -- people who understood what I am going through, regardless if the loss was just recently or even longer.  It’s only been more than two months since my loss, and I have been finding ways to cope in my own way.  I find solace in being quiet, crying by myself, remembering the good memories, or just talking about those with my children, and listening to theirs too.

I am finding it hard to respond to close friends.  Especially because I don’t think they understand exactly what I am going through.  Although I know they meant well, I take offense when I hear things like this --“I know what you are going through, I understand, or I know you are very strong woman and you’ll get through this, or you should pick up yourself now and start moving on,” etc.  

I have not spoken to any of my close friends live -- just through a couple of texts and personal messages because their mere “hi, how are you doing?” brings tears to my eyes.  I feel so sorry for myself.  Can’t people understand that I just lost a spouse?  A husband of 30+ years.  I wanted to ask them --  How can you understand the loneliness and emptiness that I feel when it never happened to you? 

I am usually a happy person. I joke around, I laugh so hard -- at simple jokes -- I make people laugh.  People think I am funny -- I know I am funny.  But I lost all that recently.  I don’t even want to smile.  I don’t want to reach out to my friends because I don’t think they will understand.  And how will they understand if they do not know what I am going through?  Should I ask them “do you know how it feels to just think about the same person over and over again 24/7 and realizing that that person is gone -- permanently, and you can no longer see him, and the only thing that you can feel is emptiness -- that nothing means anything to you, because you feel so alone?” 

I feel I am being rude.  That I owe them an explanation why I don’t pick up the phone when they call, or why I do not respond to any of their text messages.  I know they just wanted to know how I am doing.  However, I would rather get a message that says “I just want you to know that I am thinking of you.”  The truth is I really just want to be left alone for now because I have not come around yet.  How long?  I don’t know.  And I cannot move on yet.  At the same time, obviously, I don’t want to lose them as a friend.  I just want them to understand that I am not the same person because I just suffered an unexpected loss -- a tragedy and I was taken off guard.  And with this, I am trying very hard but the norm is not happening anytime soon because every night, when I am alone, every moment when I remember him, I break down.  Yes, it is exhausting, but I want to do that myself. 

[iPraiseHim]

Normal?  I don't even know what that is!  Most people do not know how to deal with or even handle grief, death, and loss.  Then add your, spouse, care giving, disability, health issues, etc.. and most people just bail.  Death is the biggest taboo, yet every person will die, some sooner and some later.  It is a stark reality.  in the span  of 18 months, my best friend, my mother and my brother died. Each one was heartbreaking but none compares to the death of my wife, my soul-mate, and best friend.  My wife's death has been the most traumatic event in my world.  each of us needs to find our grief path, our way through.  Everyone is different and unique and yet there are some similarities at many different levels.  At first, it was just learning how to breath, eat, sleep, and take care of yourself.  I couldn't sleep.  Someone here suggested I get some help to sleep.  I eventually did. then I learned to eat healthier, drink more water, get better sleep.  Sometimes it's just hanging on. This place is a safe sanctuary where we can read, listen, share and help.  Grief is the expression of the love we have to cope with the loss of our spouse. It's okay to fall down.  At some point . (when you are able), you need to get back up and move forward.  Shalom

[hollowheart]

15 hours ago, ardeer0630 said:

 Should I ask them “do you know how it feels to just think about the same person over and over again 24/7 and realizing that that person is gone -- permanently, and you can no longer see him, and the only thing that you can feel is emptiness -- that nothing means anything to you, because you feel so alone?” ....

 The truth is I really just want to be left alone for now because I have not come around yet.  How long?  I don’t know.

I'm so sorry for your loss. It is so new and raw, you are expected to be out of your mind right now. What you said about thinking about the same person over and over 24/7 got to me and brought tears to my eyes. All that you said hit me in my heart. I lost a sister, not a spouse, but it still resonated with me. To have the same thought in your mind over and over and it's an unfixable permanent problem, one that is tearing your soul apart, is excruciating and exhausting. It really is torture.

While we have done a lot of angry friend bashing here the past few weeks, I sometimes think hearing from your friends and hearing them say "Hey, how are you doing?" (which brought you to tears) not only hurts because you are doing HORRIBLY! but because it it also reminds you of your old life that has been completely destroyed.

Everything you once knew is gone and changed forever and those friends you used to joke around with, talk about nothing with, be funny with seem like some sort of movie of yourself or something, it's unreal. I think about my friends or look at their texts or something and I do remember the stuff we used to do without a care in the world. I will never do those things with them again with that genuine fun in my heart. I don't even know if I really, truly want to either.

It's nice your friends are trying to contact you. No need to feel guilty or offer excuses why you don't reply. If they have any sense they would know why you don't feel like talking. Seeing "I'm thinking of you" works because there is no obligation from you to respond. It does feel good to know your friends are around, available, worried about you but don't want to push all over you.

That is better than disappearing. And when you do come around and want to talk to them, the good ones will remember and get back to you. We are all busy, but I feel like if you talked to that person before all this happened why is it that they suddenly fall off the earth after a tragedy? They suddenly become harder to reach than the King of Spain.

Tell them you don't feel like talking but appreciate them checking on you every now and then. We need to be sad and down and miserable about this for a while. There is always pressure to get happy again quickly. Do what you need to do.

[Guest Janka]

3 hours ago, hollowheart said:

...They suddenly become harder to reach than the King of Spain...

My dear hollowheart,

this is how I feel too.Some of "so-called friends" who told me how much busy they were all the time to do not have a while to send me sms or call me up to ask me how I am,they were never too busy to do that.It´s my opinion.They are not in the same situation as I am and they don´t understand until they experience the same kind of loss as myself.I usually used to tell them that I feel like I should request an audience with the President when I want to meet them.I stopped call them anymore.I´m so sorry that you feel like that,my friend,as I know what you´re talking about.I´m already tired of everything I have to go through.I need a peace.

Janka

[CL]

Hello to all of you who have responded to my post about feeling invisible - each and every one of you have spoken deeply to my own heart.  I've been thinking about what to do with all this anger, and what I've decided is that I absolutely am NOT going to be invisible to myself!  I'm going to use this anger, which I know is energy,  to fuel my need to take care of myself, realizing that I really do need care now and give that to myself as best I can, open myself up more to new friends coming into my life and heart, and also to really strongly acknowledge myself, feel proud of myself, for what I have actually accomplished by caring so well for my husband over the many years of his journey through Alzheimer's. And I have begun a mantra which I try to remember to say many times every day, even looking into my own eyes in the mirror, "I am going to be your BEST friend!"  

It feels really good to marshall this anger energy in this way, and now I must strive to remember my own decision!

 

[Guest Janka]

My dear CL,

I use to read your posts,like the way you think it over and have on my mind that it was you who was here for me when I felt so terribly lonely.I´ve learned over those 4 years long that I can´t wait others to meet my expectations until I let them know what I really need.They don´t know it and always think they do as much as needed,and of course it´s not true.It´s very important to let them know how you really feel,tell them exactly what you expect from them and show them the way you must go through to feel better.They don´t know that as they never experienced such a great loss like we met in this life.I also need to get to know some new friends and believe that those people going through the same loss can finally find us on this hard journey to make friends this way.Lately I met a kind lady going into the same church and somehow we felt that we have so much in common.The pure hearts can find each other.We are not in contact by phone or mail,we just meet in the church,on the street,in the downtown,always feeling good in each other´s company.As time passes by,I meet her more often and I finally feel she could be the real friend that was so hard to find.The people like we are can find us and it feels good to know.When I look into the mirror,I see a specular reflection of my beloved man Jan,as you know,the mirror is a window to each one´s soul and I always speak to myself that I´m strong enough to go through this,as my beloved one always talked to me.I believe that you´re also strong enough and your kind heart will find those friends you´re looking for.

You´re in my prayers.Please,take care!

       

Hugs from Janka

[CL]

Dear Janka,

How interesting that you have met this new friend, and hopefully over time it will prove to be a treasure.  It feels so good to sense this kind of resonance with someone.

I am currently going to a grief support group and, though it is triggering sometimes of a lot of pain, sharing my story and hearing that of others who have lost their spouse, it is also very affirming for me.  It only lasts for a few weeks, but it is good to be together in this way.  Take good care.

 

 

 

[kayc]

Janka, I'm glad you've met a friend.  I hope it proves true over the test of time. 

[hollowheart]

Janka, that's awesome that you met someone. Overtime I'm sure it will develop into the friendship you need. It's sad that we all have to find new friends now, but I'm happy for you. That's what I hope to find. I really just need someone to talk with.

[Guest Janka]

1 hour ago, hollowheart said:

Janka, that's awesome that you met someone. Overtime I'm sure it will develop into the friendship you need. It's sad that we all have to find new friends now, but I'm happy for you. That's what I hope to find. I really just need someone to talk with.

My dear Hollowheart,

what a pleasure to hear from you something like that!I´m glad I left the workplace that made me such medical issues as I have by now.It´s been a week that I feel so terrible pain in my back.The sitting brings me the tears into my eyes.I was running as a doe a few weeks ago and now I´m glad when I can take a seat without pain or fall asleep at all.It aches so much!Fortunately we have each other to share all of these.I appreciate your nice words really much!

Thank you,my friend!

With love Janka

[scba]

1 hour ago, hollowheart said:

Janka, that's awesome that you met someone. Overtime I'm sure it will develop into the friendship you need. It's sad that we all have to find new friends now, but I'm happy for you. That's what I hope to find. I really just need someone to talk with.

Dear HH,

If I am allow to offer you a piece of advise....you mentioned how much you love animals. Why don't you sign up to volunteer in a shelter or similar? I know that it's very hard to talk to people, interact and be social again, I understand the difference you feel between you and the rest of the world, and I know that nothing can bring us joy/amusement or any similar so early in this journey, feeling good in a lasting way. Plus starting an activity seems a punishment, cause we didn't need any of it before when our loved ones were around. I know all of it.....but I know that something must be done to leave the "grief house" we are living for a while.

I know you are very sad and I don't mean to ignore it. I have been there too. I remember saying every day: I don't care, I don't care, who cares, and similar quotes. I was "forced" by a friend to voluteer for 2 hs a week in a cultural center for seniors. On the first meeting I thought: "who cares about you and your enjoyment, you are going to die, you are alive and my boyfriend is dead and he was young!". I felt horrible, a monster, believe me. I hardly could interact with them or with any other young people there, I smiled a fake smile hiding my teeth. Everything felt like a big lie.......but with time, with so much inner work, I could keep going and I met nice people. They are not my friends, but they were nice people to say hi and to talk about the weather and the news. I made it. 

Finding a passion or your old passion.....that's totally different, I'm not there yet. I used to be an eager reader, I cannot read anymore. Just the newspaper. I loved accesories like earings, necklaces, scarfs.....all gone inside the closet. Make up? Gone. I loved make up, I read about make up. New clothes? Nop. Cooking books and appliances, all stored and never used them again. Yes, I buried myself, I struggle with this idea. Some things need more time, or time is up for them for ever. 

[scba]

9 minutes ago, Janka said:

My dear Hollowheart,

what a pleasure to hear from you something like that!I´m glad I left the workplace that made me such medical issues as I have by now.It´s been a week that I feel so terrible pain in my back.The sitting brings me the tears into my eyes.I was running as a doe a few weeks ago and now I´m glad when I can take a seat without pain or fall asleep at all.It aches so much!Fortunately we have each other to share all of these.I appreciate your nice words really much!

Thank you,my friend!

With love Janka

Dear Janka, I'm sorry to hear from your back pain. I know the feeling very well as I suffer from my neck and my upper back. Please take care of yourself and I'm sure that soon you will be walking and running again. You quit your job which was the source of your stress and your pain. You did well. I felt so relieved when I quit last week. I could sleep at night again. 

[hollowheart]

38 minutes ago, scba said:

Dear HH,

If I am allow to offer you a piece of advise....you mentioned how much you love animals. Why don't you sign up to volunteer in a shelter or similar? I know that it's very hard to talk to people, interact and be social again, I understand the difference you feel between you and the rest of the world, and I know that nothing can bring us joy/amusement or any similar so early in this journey, feeling good in a lasting way. Plus starting an activity seems a punishment, cause we didn't need any of it before when our loved ones were around. I know all of it.....but I know that something must be done to leave the "grief house" we are living for a while.

I know you are very sad and I don't mean to ignore it. I have been there too. I remember saying every day: I don't care, I don't care, who cares, and similar quotes. I was "forced" by a friend to voluteer for 2 hs a week in a cultural center for seniors. On the first meeting I thought: "who cares about you and your enjoyment, you are going to die, you are alive and my boyfriend is dead and he was young!". I felt horrible, a monster, believe me. I hardly could interact with them or with any other young people there, I smiled a fake smile hiding my teeth. Everything felt like a big lie.......but with time, with so much inner work, I could keep going and I met nice people. They are not my friends, but they were nice people to say hi and to talk about the weather and the news. I made it. 

Finding a passion or your old passion.....that's totally different, I'm not there yet. I used to be an eager reader, I cannot read anymore. Just the newspaper. I loved accesories like earings, necklaces, scarfs.....all gone inside the closet. Make up? Gone. I loved make up, I read about make up. New clothes? Nop. Cooking books and appliances, all stored and never used them again. Yes, I buried myself, I struggle with this idea. Some things need more time, or time is up for them for ever. 

Scba, I can't tell you how many times I have looked into something animal related.Either volunteer or for a job/career. I always came up moot. I might try again for volunteering. Everything was always filled up and no volunteer spots available, if you can believe that. It's very frustrating trying to find a job I can tolerate or like, even it's not animal related. I'm tired of admin work and get out of it. But I digress.

As what you said about reading and your accessories and all that, I felt those words so much. I'm not one for make up, but I liked earrings, and necklaces, at least for work. I was jeans and a t-shirt for the weekends, but work I tried looking better. Now I don't care about it anymore and I know I could letter better for work. Oh well.

I love Pinterest and would always find some new recipe to try and enjoyed cooking. The mental joy and energy is not there anymore. I was also getting all into gardening and was going to start some potted plant gardens indoor and out. It's hard to find that joy again because you don't have any joy.

[Cookie]

Hollowheart:  I really understand what you're saying about no joy in anything.  It really can be just going through the motions.  If you are lucky, you might get a little bit of respite, which I guess is why you do it at all.  People keep saying to find something of interest to do, and what they don't understand is that interest is hard to come by when you feel like this, but there is always the going through the motions and seeing what happens.  Take care, Cookie

[hollowheart]

Cookie, I'm getting there I guess. I will probably still do the garden thing. I really enjoyed that, especially when I actually saw my little plants growing, lol.  It's not always meek and bleak, but I would always share my joy with my sister and not having her here to do that makes me feel very "what's the point?" sometimes.

It makes me mad to have a fun, funny moment and no one to tell about it or share it with. And if I do they look crazy because they don't get it or don't really care. That's really bad. I think it does take time to get out of that "I don't care" mode.

[scba]

To leave the "don't care" mood will take time and effort, I don't believe that you wake up and "oh, I do care today, yessss" but you will reach there. If volunteering at the animal shelter is not yet available, keep an eye on it for vacancies. Devoting time in the garden could be benefitial too. Plants don't talk, don't send you emails, don't ask how are you today and why are you still sad. It is a good starting point. 

My suggestion is "don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good". Maybe that project cannot be done the way you planned it cause you lack of energy or motivation. But try to focus on a little sub-activity just to make you feel you make it. I know it sounds like you are cheating yourself, but if it helps, it has served for a purpose. During these 16 months I have started and quitted so many activities: knitting, embroidery, gym, swimming, walking, reading, writing, poetry. Nothing lasted more than a month. But it helped me in their little and short-period way, I guess.

 

[brat#2]

I completely understand the "don't care" mood.  Before my husband died, I did a lot of crafts, made all kinds of things, painted little figurines, put puzzles together and now I have no interest in any of that.  He used to be so amazed at what I could make and was always so proud of me.  I use to get such joy from that.  I haven't tried anything yet to see if it would bring me some joy, I just haven't wanted to.  I guess it's because I don't have him to share it with.

[kayc]

It's true, brat, I remember George gazing at me when I was making some cards one day.  I asked, "What??" and he said, "I just love it when you make happy noises."  "Happy noises?:, I asked.  "Yeah, like humming and whistling and stuff."  He just enjoyed watching me be happy.

I don't get the urge to make the cards as much as I used to.  I have all the tools, a room dedicated to it, I know most of the techniques and can make them so well...the only thing lacking is the drive.  I lost it June 19, 2005.

[hollowheart]

Kay, Cookie, Scba, yep! That's all I can say to all or your posts. I agree with everything you all said.

Scba, I laughed when you said "Oh I do care today, yesss!" ROTFL. But seriously, You all are right about the motivation. Being sad about something robs you of your ambition. I always think about times I was stressed or worried about something. That's all that was on my mind. It's impossible to get it off. This is the same way, you can't just shake off grief and get back to it.

Having someone there to share in your joy is a big motivation factor. I'm not saying I can't do anything unless I have someone to be there for it, but we shared so much. Me and my sister loved movies, we loved watching new movie trailers then texting good ones to each other, getting all hyped for this upcoming movie. It's not just about watching trailers, but the big thing was getting excited about a movie and knowing I had someone that would be excited with me. Knowing I have NO ONE that would care about this stuff makes me even more depressed. That's why it's hard to get back into things, but I'm slooooooowly getting there.  I think that's where my anger comes in. I get mad there is no one that gives a sh** about anything I care about.  It's almost a maddening loneliness.

[Gwenivere]

33 minutes ago, hollowheart said:

 I think that's where my anger comes in. I get mad there is no one that gives a sh** about anything I care about.  It's almost a maddening loneliness.

Wow, you got that right.  There are a couple people in my life that care about that I care about and I appreciate it.  The problem is they are the wrong person who really lit the fire and made caring something I could share with others fully.