what if

[rfraley]

Hi All

back on October 21 of 2015, My Cousin Daniel Fraley died by Suicide, he was only 18 and I have been asking all the usual questions as to why, and was there anything that could have changed this  Horrible thing that happened, I get angry at myself for not seeing how really bad his depression was, and for not seeing it as bad as it had to have been for him to do what he did,

like most people with depression there were times where he felt fine, and you would think he was doing better, and I guess that is what took my attention away from how bad it was, I tried to be there for him, and We had many talks about suicide, and I always told him it was a bad idea, and that things would always get better but they could not if he made a choice like that because there is no fixing that if you went threw with it, I keep asking is there anything that would have changed his mind,

The Night that he did what he did....he messaged me on facebook at 11:41pm I was late seeing it, I didn't see it until 11:45 and I keep asking if I had been on right away and he had time to have got my reply would it possibley have made a difference?....I will never know the answer to that, I know sometimes people say if they are thinking about doing it, they would do it at some point ad that when they get in that frame of mind, theres nothing you can really say if they truly have made there mind up that there going to do that but I can't help but think what if I could have messaged him right then as soon as he sent it?

 

I feel guilty because I deal with depression as well and there would be times when We would talk and I would be feeling down that instead of seeing how he was doing, I'd be telling him how I was feeling and how I was in a depressed mood, but it had to be nothing to how he truly was feeling inside, I wished I would have went out of my way to tell him dispite how hard depression is the good days make up for all the bad that 1 goes threw, and that Life is very good and that depression will not always stay with you, but I did not, and now I'm left asking why didn't I try and do more and be there more for him then for myself, I didn't know his fight with depression was far worse then mine, and now I'm left with all the unanswered questions of could anything have been done

sorry for this being so long......sometimes with depression you lose sight of how others are doing with the same illness so to speak

 

[MartyT]

Oh my dear Robert. Depression is a serious illness, and there is no way that anything you could have said (or failed to say) would be enough to fix your cousin's depression. Given what you describe, it seems to me that you did all you could to "be there" for Daniel, in a kind, compassionate and supportive way. Sadly, that was not enough to save him from himself. I am so sorry. I hope you've done some reading about depression and suicide, because it is such a difficult and challenging loss for those who are left behind ~ and it's so important to understand that this was not your fault. I hope you will read Support for Survivors of Suicide, including one or more of the Related Books and Articles I've listed there.

[kayc]

I am so sorry your cousin took his life at such a young age, and you, also so young, are left dealing with it.  I was friends with a family whose son I worked with, and he took his life.  He was seeing a therapist and they were going to switch his medicine on Monday, but over the weekend he took his life.  I honestly doubt there's anything you could have said or done to stop it, once they've decided that's the only way out, they choose that.  It's a horrible disease!  I've battled depression but mine is mild compared to what others suffer, for I always feel it's not that I want dead, but rather I don't want to go through the circumstances I have to go through to live, and yet I do, because like you say, you have to stick it out for anything to get better.  That and I could never do that to anyone that loves me.  Life is a gift, and it's so important to view it like that!  At the age of 18 you don't have the perspective sometimes needed to see you through.  I think you told him the right things, but he was stuck and couldn't seem to get himself out of it.  My mom was depressed, and my sisters have also battled it, so I wonder that it's genetic.  It's good to get help when you need it, and I don't know who all he talked to about it but it warrants professional help.  I'm glad you were there for him and I'm sure that helped him hang on as long as he felt he could.  For now, his battle is over, but it's left you with one, and that's the unfairness of suicide.  My heart goes out to you.  You may want to see a grief counselor to help you through this, it's a lot to handle on your own.

[rfraley]

Thank you Marty and Kayc

Yes Marty I have read some of those articals that you sent me back in October I go back to it on a regular basics, thank you both for your support and kindness....this place has been great to me over the years as I am sure the same can be said for so many others

[Chris516]

Where your cousin committed suicide.  My cousin died unexpectedly.  While your cousin was only 18.  My cousin was only 40.

My cousin's autopsy results have not been released yet.

I know they are different ages, and different causes of death.

But I think I am having the same kind of 'What if' feeling.  She was my middle 1st-Cousin(all three are 1st-Cousins' are younger than me).  Her older sister told me my middle 1st-Cousin had not been eating n' sleeping properly for two weeks prior to her death.

My 'What if' is, if I had been there.  Could I have gotten her to a doctor.

[Widowedbysuicide]

Hello,

Firstly, I want to tell you both that you have my deep and sincere condolences.  Nothing I can say or do anything is going to make you stop feeling what you feel but please know that as a survivor of suicide I can empathize with most of what you may be thinking or feeling.

My husband died of suicide in January this year.  I did not see any evidence of there being a problem that would cause him so much pain that he would do what he did.  He was my whole support system and over the many years of friendship before marriage and our 35 1/2 years as husband and wife I was absolutely asking all the same questions.  We need to make sense of the act and since we will never know all of what was happening in the person's mind and life we will not find any definitive answers.

I'm so glad you found your way here but I am truly sorry for why you did.  

Marita

 

[Widowedbysuicide]

Sorry I cut it short there but my horse was calling me.

In my quest to find answers I just kept having more questions.  One thing that has been of great help is this forum, followed closely by talking with a grief councellor.  My grief councellor is not shocked, frightened or embarrassed by the things I am telling her.  She has heard it all before, she is there for that appointment time for me, she does not share information, and she understands.  I never worry about what she will think because she is trained and experienced in her job.

I learned that

No one is responsible for the actions or intensions of another person.

It is okay to feel the way you do, unless you are contemplating harming yourself or someone else.

If I feel like screaming then I should scream.  

Holding your feelings back can cause you a longer duration of stress.

It is good to talk about  ALL of your experience as a survivor.

Grief is both mentally and physically painful.

 

I could go on here but I think you probably see that I'm trying to encourage you to look after yourselves.

Marty can provide you with links to more information as can others on here.  This journey is still early for me and I am not as familiar with the forum as other members are.

please take care,

Marita 

if you wish to talk more openly, I believe there is a personal message option.  

Edited July 9, 2016 by Widowedbysuicide
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