He Left Me After His Parents Death

[BevPains]

I am in desperate need of guidance. My ex husband and I had been back together for a year and a half. We were doing better than we had in the past. Our life wasnt perfect but we made it work. He has been the caretaker of his severely ill Mom for over 17 years. She lived in KY where he lived wih her and the kids and I live in WV. So we only saw eachother on weekends. As hard as that was, we did make it work. Very suddenly in July 2015, his Dad passed away of cancer that he had only found out he had for a month. I was at home in ky with him and his mom when this happened. He did not have a good relationship with his dad so this has left him with deep regrets and guilt. Because he was the sole caretaker of his mom after his dads death, he was never able to properly grieve over his dad. Then only 5 months later, his mom died in December. I was there in the hospital with him and held her hand as she took her last breath. I love his parents as my own. It too has taken a huge toll on me to lose them. His mom was also one of my best friends. (Mike is my ex/bf). Mike always told me that if something ever happened to his mom that he would move back to wv and be with the girls and i. I knew it may be awhile before this could take place so i was patient. But then he took over his parents home and started changing it and building his own life in ky. It was killing me inside to watch this happening. Him leaving us behind. I eventually brought it up. I told him i realised he wasnt coming back and asked him was he ending our relationship and didnt want to be with me. He said he loved me and didnt know what was going tk happen between us but that after all the affairs were handled that we would sit down and talk it over. That was a month ago. This past wednesday he tells me over the phone that hes never coming back to wv, doesnt want me and i needed to go find someone else. I asked him why was he doing this and he just said we dont get along and that was the end of the phone call. He then deleted and blocked me from facebook. I sent a text in which he never replied. I am devestated and heartbroken. I dont know which way to turn, what to do. I cant breathe or eat or sleep. Its as if im grieving his death now too. How can you go from telling someone you love them with all your heart and soul on tuesday to erasing them from your life on wednesday? And i cant even begin to move forward because i havent been heard. I havent gotten to express anything. I dont understand why. I dont know if its fixable and i dont know if i should leave him alone or try to correspond. Is he going to stop seeing our girls too? How can he have a relationship with them and not even speak to me? Please, anyone who has gone through this on either side of a similar situation please help me understand!!

[jame57]

I am so sorry that you've experienced such losses then to have this happen.  As you know I was the main carer for my dear mum and when she passed away I just didn't know who I was or whether I would ever cope with life.  I sure have rough patches and am in one now but it is different.  It sounds to me that your ex is in shock and denial (but I'm no expert) and is understandably clinging on in an effort to feel close to his mum.  When my mum died I experienced a desire to cut myself off from certain people, activities and places and concentrate on my grief and loss.  Please don't think I'm saying what he's doing is in any way "right" ( it must be hell for you) but that what I've come to realise is that grief can make you act out of character (albeit temporarily).  He needs to see a counsellor but if he won't communicate I'm not sure how you can get that across to him.  Do you have any mutual friends near to where Mike lives?

[BevPains]

Thank you for replying. Yes we do have mutual friends in Ky however he has cut himself off from some of them as well. He is also a disabled veteran and he has been asked many times to come to group counseling sessions at the Va hospital. The counselor calls him aboit once a week. He had voiced it to me and i suggested he take up and go. I told him to try it once and if he didnt like it he didnt have to go back. He said he may try and go but as far as i know he hasnt. Am i correct in my thinking that there is nothing i can say or do? Do i need to leave him completely alone? For me as a woman who loves him completely, i want to be there for him even if its only as a friend but i feel if i try to reach out that it will only distance him more. And on the other hand, im afraid if i dont that he will get the impression that he made the right choice because i dont love him or care he left me. Ive read several posts on this website about people being done this way by grievers and they have never ever returned to them. So im terrified out of my mind what to do. I know he is broken. I know he cant deal with grief and also deal with our family and be there for us. At first he was running to me but that changed. And quickly. And im now also a griever of him. I am grieving for his parents too but of course its nothing compared to his grief. And ive refrained from talking to him about my feelings so as to not burden him during all this, with the exception of the one conversation about him moving back here. Im completely lost and clueless here. I suffered the loss of my dad when i was 13, so i know what its like to lose a parent. However i was young and didnt have these adult issues to deal with. 

[kayc]

Bev, I'm sorry, I know how badly it hurts...to me I lost my fiance but you and Mike had a much greater history and I know how hard that is because my world as I knew it ended when my husband died 10 1/2 years ago.

I don't know if you've read any of the threads in Loss of Love Relationships section but I encourage you to do so.  You are not alone in getting broken up with following partner's death of parent.  I do know it's not because of anything you have said or done, it is not personal, but it sure FEELS personal and it's hard to not take it that way.  You can only respect his decision for only he can find his way, esp. since he's cut you off and even some of his friends as well.  He may or may not have regrets someday, but I do know this has altered him as grief does.  
My best advice to you is to focus on YOU, spend time with friends/family.  Hopefully he won't shut himself off from his kids too.  This is hard on everyone involved, and I'm just sorry this is his way of going through his grief.  It's hard to understand because when I grieve, I want people there for me, yet they disappear!  This is the opposite.  
Sometimes we don't get closure.  Sometimes we don't get a part in the decision making, we don't get to voice ourselves to them, yet we have to be responsible for our own finality, without their help...and that is way harder, but it can be done, I've been there.
I hope you'll feel free to continue to post as I do think it helps to voice yourself and know you're heard, and also know you are not alone.

[BevPains]

Thank you Kayc for your reply. This isnt our first break up, so all of my friends and family only remind me of that and keep saying how i made it through the divorce so i will be fine now. Its just not the case! We divorced for a very specific reason. This has no reasoning. I feel like i am suficating. I want to run. Im terrified of everything. My kids and i are all three suffering and also all grieving over his parents and now him. It isnt right. Some friends say maybe hes just never loved me and hes using their death as his scape goat. Unfortunately, i have only a sister close to me and shes always working (and has the you e done tbis before attitude) and no other family here. As far as friends go...also only one and she just lost her baby a few months ago so no way am i putting this on her. All i truly have are my two girls and i also can not put my sorrows on them. Ive never felt so alone in my life. I dont feel like i am going to stay intact. I look at my girls and know i have to carry on, but my heart and mind are not seeing it that way. My oldest daughter is 23 and she is disabled and 24-7 care. And hes left me to do this all by myself. Its causin g a great deal of pain and anger at the same time. Most get to grieve in stages....mine are all mixed together and seriously giving me panic attacks and putting me in flight mode. I cant pull myself out. 

[kayc]

I sincerely hope you'll make an appt. with a grief counselor and soon!  You might want to make a doctor's appt. too for the panic attacks, they are no fun to suffer. 

I wouldn't say he never loved you based on this, this is a common grief response.  I do hope you'll read through the loss of love threads so you'll see how much this does happen, it's not you, not him, it's grief. 

[BevPains]

I sincerely wish i could go to grief counseling but i am uninsured and have no funds to pay for it. Have had no luck locating any such free help. And what a shame that is! Everyone always has to make a buck off others pain right! Would you happen to know of any national database of free counseling that may be able to direct me to something in my state??

[kayc]

You might check with Marty, let her know what state.  Hospice perhaps, you could talk to the hospital where your MIL died.

[BevPains]

Ok thanks! The hospital is 4 hours away so I will ask Marty. Is there a link to message her? Cant find it (using cell phone so may have to log in through computer to find it). 

Im waking up each morning crying. Will that stop soon? Im finding it difficult to function for my kids without tears. I hate that they are seeing this everyday too.

I can see where he wouldnt want to be with me after reading pages after pages of all the wrong tbings to do and say to someone grieving. Albeit i meant no harm, and didnt have a clue i was making mistake after mistake. I have been distant and negative as of the last couple weeks. More like confused and hurt and so venting those feelings through negativity toward him. I just want to get where i can say ...ok this is over now move on and stop thinking about it all day everyday. Is there a way to speed up to that? I need to for my girls more so than myself. 

[MartyT]

My dear, one of the best ways to determine whatever grief resources may be available in your community is to contact your local hospice organization for a referral. See, for example, some of the links embedded in the article, Finding Grief Support That Is Right For You. (See also the Related Articles listed at the base).

The National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization maintains a database of hospices for each state in the United States.  To search for a hospice in your own community, click on Find a Hospice Program.

You say you've made some mistakes in what you've said and done in this situation. I invite you to read Helping Another in Grief, and take a look at some of the resources listed on this page as well: Helping Someone Who's Grieving

[BevPains]

Thank you so much Marty for the information!! I have already read the links you provided...which is where i learned what ive done wrong. I just dont know if i can turn it around now. Hard to do when all communication is cut off. 

[kayc]

I don't know a way to speed up grieving, other than to go straight through it.  Allow yourself to feel your feelings, cry your tears.  If you find you're doing so all the time, perhaps allow yourself a set time every day for crying, and try keeping yourself busy and engaged with other people during the rest of the time.  I tried holding it together while at work, but cried a LOT for at least four months.  After that I told myself that was enough (that might not work for everyone, it did for me) and I began my road to recovery.  It's a good thing too, because when we did resume communication, he was waffling, back and forth, and it was important for me to be strong inside and not let him yank me around emotionally.  He wasn't trying to, but he was just a mess.  I think the main reason he hasn't tried to get me back since is he doesn't trust himself to not hurt me or someone else again if the unexpected happens in life, which none of us can predict.  Being as this is how he responds to grief, I don't want that either.  

Try not to beat yourself up over "doing everything wrong", we didn't get a how to manual with the situation, we were all winging it, and after all, you're grieving too...not only them but the loss of your relationship.  I'm glad you've read Marty's links, it helps to understand what to/not to do.

[BevPains]

Thank you Kayc. I have good news! In all this tragedy I have found God again. The joy of Him has lifted much of my sorrow. I am searching for a church that fits me. Went Sunday to one, going to a new one this week. My 17 yo daughter and i signed up for Planet Fitness last night. We are excited to work out together and to attend church. Also, mike texted me yesterday morning and asked how the girls are. That gave me so much relief to know he reached oit for their sake. My biggest fear is that he would also walk away from them. Baby steps! Little blessings count alot! I also allowed myself to write him a letter and mail it. I told him i was sorry i was not supoorting him the way he needed me to and that i am here for him. That the love i carry for him is capable of listening without judgement and without dishing out advice. I also said i would call him periodically to check up on him and see if he needed anything and left it at that. I refrained from using it as a way to whine or complain aboit his decision or to explain myself or do any begging or even speak of our relationship. I pray it gives him comfort and ease serves my point of letting him know that just because he chose to walk away doesnt mean there isnt still love for him. I pray i did the right thing for him....i already know it was the right thing for me. 

 

I do still wake immediately to saddness and tears and i continually fight negativity out of my heart and mind. I hadnt realized just what a negative person i was in general. Now its on to replacing that with positive thinking, trust in God and trust in myself to be a better, God loving person. 

[kayc]

I am so happy to hear about your focus and that you're able to not put relationship pressure on him.  You are freeing him to feel more comfortable in contact, which is an opening.  Try to stay back and let him have his space and time to come around, if possible.  I'm relieved he's making contact for the girls' sake.

Your newfound faith will be of great help to you too, I am sure.  Having God to lead you and guide you can be an immense asset...pray rather that barge in.