Apathy

[Froggie4635]

I am coming up on 15 months since the sudden loss of my husband and I have a concern.  I know it is hard to separate depression from grief.  I seem to have no motivation or desire to do anything.  I mean, I function in my day to day tasks, and take care of my needs and those of my three fur babes.  But when it comes to making decisions about just about anything, I just struggle with it.  I can decide I need to pick up something at the store, but stand there for like 10 minutes deciding or selecting.  I don't have an opinion most times about where to go to dinner...there just seems to be something wrong with my mind.  Being amidst big groups of people cause my focus to be even worse.  Staff meetings are a nightmare.  It sometimes feels like my confidence is gone.  Sometimes I am just happy to have someone to go along with.  Makes it hard for people who wish to do things to "cheer me up".  My best friend wants to come over and clean my house; immediately I think she must feel uncomfortable because I just do as little as needs be done.  Physically I have a hard time; and as stated I have three dogs, making most cleaning jobs an uphill battle.  I don't want to blame depression.  It is just like my opinion has disappeared. 

[kayc]

This is not uncommon in grief, Maryann.  So many things we used to have joy in now bring us...nothing.  It's as if we lose our will, our motivation.  I understand.  That's one of the hardest things to get back and it's not a once and be done with it fix either, more of an uphill struggle.  I still battle it off and on to some degree.

[MartyT]

Not uncommon at all, Maryann, as Kay says.

This article might give you a bit of a different perspective in understanding where you might be in your grief journey: Transitions: Tips for Navigating The Neutral Zone  ♥

[Froggie4635]

Thanks Kay and Marty...

It is a somewhat frustrating feeling.  I was beginning to get harder on myself...saying to myself how "lazy" I have become.  I have always been driven and motivated by my own annoyance in something....when something has sat long enough and needed put away or cleaned.  Sometimes I actually hear myself saying "why bother".  I keep learning as I go along just how significant  this loss is and the affect it is having on every aspect of my life.  I purchased a new comforter set to update my bedroom a little a while ago...and it still is sitting in the bag that it came in.  I had the best of intentions...but now I just cannot see the reason to do it.  The article helped me see, even at over 14 months, that my grief is still so fresh.

[kayc]

I keep up with the cleaning, laundry, groceries, meal-prep, walks, paying bills...but lack somewhat in the motivation to do what I don't HAVE to do...like throwing away stuff, participating in hobbies, just generally lacking in the desire to do so.  And for me it'll be 11 years in June!  So don't be hard on yourself, it's just part of it.

[iPraiseHim]

Froggie,  I am a professional home cleaner.  I have been blessed to clean homes for over eighteen years.  My humble suggestion is to let other people help you. It is their gift of love and service that they offer to help you.

I don't judge any person who can not or is not able to clean. I can tell you that even though I know how to clean, I don't often have the willingness and desire to clean my home either.  When we are cleaning our own stuff, there is another emotional component that makes it more difficult when we are under stress and grief.

It is normal what you are going through. I believe we all experience it at some level through this continuing journey of grief.  It is humbling to accept help but it blesses the giver more than you when you allow them to help.  Shalom

[Froggie4635]

Dear George,

Thank you for giving me a new perspective.  I have always been the giver...and never think about receiving.  I never do anything for anyone expecting to be given in return.  Being generous and caring shouldn't have a price tag associated with it.  This is a way for my friend to show me love, and I will accept it.  Thanks again for opening my eyes, and showing me it is okay to admit to needing some help.  MM

[iheartm]

I made two pictures of M framed to send to relatives of his. I thought they would like a current picture. First, I printed the pictures out. A week later, I brought the frames into the office. Another week to put them in the frames and then they sat there for a month. I put bubble wrap and brown paper around them and they sat for another week. This past week, I finally said, "I'm going to stop being a lazy ass and mail these." Then I realized that I could not just send them as is, but would have to enclose a note. I did not want to type the note so I wrote a brief message on an index card. It took every single ounce of my being to be able to write the first index card. I never thought I'd be able to write the second one. But I did. And I sent them.

Every single little act, whether it's routine or something new feels like such a huge task that I'm just not capable of doing all at once. I am working in such tiny, baby steps that I began to think that I was being stupid and lazy and needed to just do it. The problem is, I can't "just do it" because it's overwhelming and exhausting. No one except the people here are going to understand that and I am truly grateful that people around here do.