Reflections and musings

[Brad]

Today is a day where it appears that the weather missed its turn to late September, maybe early October and found itself here in Pinetop on the last Friday of December.  I know I am gloating and most of you are ready to throw something but I'm in shirtsleeves, the doors and windows are open and I just returned from a wonderful, reflective seven mile stroll.  Today marks month twenty-nine since my darling Deedo died.  With it being the end of the year; a time most of us look both backward and forward, trying to see what worked and what didn't, I spent most of the two hours looking at the path I have been on and reflecting on what a strange journey it has been so far.  As most of us have discussed, there is absolutely nothing linear, rational, logical, nor sensible about this state in which we all find ourselves.  After twenty-nine months I am in a better place than a year ago and a far better place than I was in two years ago.  The only positive I have of that time is that I really don't remember much of it: just endless tears, not wanting to be where I was but when I went anywhere else, I didn't want to be either.

In looking back there were so many things I never anticipated.  My body temperature was one.  For the past two Winters I've slept with windows open, thermostat set at 55° F (12.8°C for our European friends) and I would still wake up drenched in sweat.  Thankfully that has now returned to normal.  I still can't sleep without assistance and even then it is restless.  I eat a fraction of what I was eating four years ago and am always on the move and yet my weight stays the same.  Having hiked over 5,000 miles in two years I would have thought I would have lost a couple of pounds at least.

I find now that I continue to try to find ways to escape? replace? forget? deal with? cope with? accept? my grief and they all work while I'm doing them.  Over the past 12 months I've spent 16 weeks traveling to places Deedo and I never went to together.  It has been helpful but then I still come home and no one is there with coffee and conversation.  I went back to teaching and for ten hours a day, five days a week, I am distracted.  But then I come home again.  This has been the year for live performances: opera, symphonies, musicals, ballet, you name it.  While in Europe I was attending three events a week.  Back home it's about every other week.  Once more it works until I come home again.  One would think that at some time one will get used to the loneliness and silence.  Apparently, for me, twenty-nine months is not enough time.

I've mentioned it before but I find myself seeking out others who are in a similar situation as me.  And I'm finding not all who have suffered loss is in the same situation that I am in.  I find myself thirsting for significant conversation.  I had a couple of gals come by to deep clean the house today.  I honestly felt sorry for them after they left.  What a royal pain I must have been following them aroung the house yakking nonstop about anything and everything.  

I also find myself reading obituaries and mourning for the families of strangers.  Tragedy hits harder now than ever before.  But then there is always the envy as well.  I've become more judgmental.  It angers me to see morbidly obese people, chain smoking and abusing their bodies when Deedo took such care to take care of hers.

I know I'm probably repeating myself from previous posts.  But then few of my thoughts are original, just redundant.

Listening to Barbra Streisand and Chris Pine singing a duet medely of "I'll Be Seeing You/I've Grown Accustomed to Your Face" so I suppose I need to end before I ruin my keyboard with the next round of tears.  At least these tears are not as excruciating as many have been.

 

[Margm]

54 minutes ago, Brad said:

not wanting to be where I was but when I went anywhere else, I didn't want to be either.

Could quote a sentence, thought from every line.  You hit them all.  I suppose one difference is that I talk to Billy all the time.......and Jesus, in a prayer, just talking, letting both of them listening.  Know that is not your thing, and that is okay, I'm sure I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed.  But, we do whatever we can to help at the moment.  

Except the stable weight.  I was on the low residue diet when Billy was with me and did not gain.  He left and "Katy bar the door" and I am lucky I do not have diabetes.  No resolutions, I only lie to myself.  But, I've got to do something to start taking care of the extra 30 pounds.  I would not have done it if Billy was around.  Excuses, excuses.  

You've got a handle on things Brad, despite the tears, and that music your listening to will do it.  Heck, I tried the Oak Ridge Boys and cried all the way through the CD.  Gotta find my musical CD's without words.  And, I was positive I could go back to listening to Elvis.  Billy hated Elvis.  I cannot listen to him without crying.  

We are all writing our own book and I am the person that likes to skip to the back of the book and read the ending.  I usually go back to where I left off and read it again.  I cannot skip to the back of this book, they are blank pages for us all.  We just have to fill them with something.  I guess we could water warp them.  

[Gwenivere]

4 hours ago, Marg M said:

We are all writing our own book and I am the person that likes to skip to the back of the book and read the ending.  I usually go back to where I left off and read it again.  I cannot skip to the back of this book, they are blank pages for us all.  We just have to fill them with something.  I guess we could water warp them.  

I remember when I began this journey knowing that Steve and my book was done.  Unfinished, missing more chapters, but done.  I couldn’t keep writing it alone, it was our continuing story.  It just......stopped.  Now I am in another book that I don’t like.  I keep adding pages as the days pass and it  will end when I do.  They are opposites of each other.  The first had joys, shared love, ups, downs and was only of interest to us.  But 2 people (compared to now) feels like a full universe of company.  My book is dark and depressing.  I don’t even want to read it, much less write it. It has nothing that lifts the spirit in any way.  There is now a pen in my hand, behind my ear that is often too heavy to hold, but I am stuck with it.  I can’t place it down for very long as it jumps right back on me in some way.  When Steve and I wrote it was effortless.  And after years of tweaking to make our marriage it’s ideal, stopping old behaviors with healthy ones, we were so on track finally.  I guess we had pens but they were so lightweight.  If I had known they were there I would have never wanted to put it down.  It disappeared too when he did.  

My character has so changed.  I was thinking that when out today doing my usual Friday routines.  A question kept running thru my head. How am I me anymore when I don’t feel like me?  I had seen some people at the nursing home and they all recognized  me.  Why don’t I recognize me?  Was I dependent on him for so much of my identity in this world?  You betcha.  Were we co enablers?  No.  We helped each evolve into better people.  We were happy and grateful we had each other.  Something so simple now so complicated by my new roommate grief.  Had it had to give me references for moving in I would have laughed in its face face and said not a frigging chance.

[Margm]

Some where along the line our fairy tale life showed us "and they lived happily ever after" was just a fairy tale.  I still hang on to Billy's "I am you and you are me" as he said over and over.  But, I cannot see him.  Ever so often I remember a familiar presence and the feel that he is near disappears as fast as it came.  Like seeing the mirage of water in the desert, it is there, but it is not.  

I hate to keep saying this, because before Billy left he would not have let me get old, his ego would have never accepted old.  He went out as only he could.  And I am left with the him that was me, but he is a mirage in this desert.  

C.S. Lewis said "Some day you will be old enough to start reading fairy tales again.”  I'm waiting.

 

 

[scba]

22 hours ago, Brad said:

Over the past 12 months I've spent 16 weeks traveling to places Deedo and  never went to together.  It has been helpful but then I still come home and no one is there with coffee and conversation.  I went back to teaching and for ten hours a day, five days a week, I am distracted.  But then I come home again.

 I've mentioned it before but I find myself seeking out others who are in a similar situation as me.  

 But then there is always the envy as well.  I've become more judgmental.  

 

Brad, I quoted some, I so understand and going through much the same. 

I have too travelled to new places, and my job keeps me very busy. But the same question lingers on , "what's for? What's the point?". No answer yet. I lost the meaning of .

 

The problem with my closer to 40s age is...,,that the stories that are told to me are: My romantic love relationship, my failed relationship, my trouble relationship, my wish for a relationship. I cannot stand it, I cannot listen to them without making a huge effort to truly listen, be understanding and stop thinking that, all I want is MY relationship back and if someone is having trouble with a man/woman, just quit and that's it!!!! I look forward to hear about divorces (I am asahmed of thinking this). I wish relationships could be put on the same cathegory of politics and religion, you don't talk about them.

 

 

 

[TomPB]

Yeah, what's the point without Susan?  I was all about loving and caring for her. Then, to make her loss even more cruel, with no warning that she was in a dangerous condition, I just sat in the living room while she died. If a Dr had given us the slightest hint, I would have never left her side, or been up in a nanosecond when I heard the water go on.

Couples. There is a woman in my meditation group who rests her hand on her husband. Couples walking with the woman holding the man's arm like Susan held mine. Couples snuggling on the train. Couples discussing their holiday plans, confident that their partner will be alive. Everything that I had and took for granted. My grief counselor talks about this and says to hope for "compassionate joy" but I'd be happier to see them fighting.

[Margm]

32 minutes ago, TomPB said:

I'd be happier to see them fighting.

Well, you would love my neighbors.  I heard him reciting something from the wedding vows the other day.  They have a grown son and are somewhere around mine and Billy's age.  He is disabled, part of the time, cannot stand for very long.  I don't know why, perhaps I am morbid, but when I see older people holding hands I am sad and happy at the same time.  But, it is like I can see the future and know one of them is going to have sorrow, like we do.  Maybe I feel that way because I am older.  "I am him and he is me" but he is gone, yet I am still him, just without him.  We had made plans before, we had the plans crash, and we had plans again.  Now neither one of us has plans.  Just filling up empty hours.  I miss all our full hours..  I miss Billy.  But, I am still here for a reason, maybe punishment for past deeds.  Depends on how you look at it.  Feels like punishment.  It seems selfish to want any happiness if he cannot share it with me. Strange, I am not jealous of you young ones, yet what is in front of me is assisted living, nursing home, or quick death.  Maybe I am luckier.  

[kayc]

13 hours ago, Marg M said:

when I see older people holding hands I am sad and happy at the same time.

That makes sense...happy for them, sad for ourselves.  It does make me wistful, wishing I had George with me still.  I don't wish anyone else to suffer what we are, but I do wish I could have him back for any length of time!

[Margm]

3 hours ago, kayc said:

sad for ourselves

Actually happy to see them happy, sad because I know it won't last, one will have sorrow.  When we are happy and both of us are well, in health, that looks like happiness.  

Today is the anniversary of a friend of mine and her husband,  one of my granddaughter's teachers, our favorite teacher ever.  She had a first marriage, I don't know what happened, there was a child, and then she was on her own, with that child.  I did not know her  then.  But, the second marriage she has gotten right.  I am going to steal some of her words as it described mine and Billy's marriage.

"Since that day, we have had more than our share of bumps in the road. We’ve endured some pretty rough times, but we have always fought to hang on to each other- and we are stronger because of it. I think that’s the greatest thing our relationship has taught me- that true love is not some perfect fairytale made up of sunshine and roses. True love is one disaster after another with little glimpses of beauty in between."

And, if I had to do it over again, I would make all my mistakes all over again, and I would understand why Billy made it hell for the first nine years, and I think I would do the same thing to "pay him back" although two wrongs do not make a right.  Knowing my own mind though, if I had done it differently, the forgiveness would not have come and the intolerance would have ruined a perfectly good marriage of two imperfect people.  And again........he was perfect for me. 

It is what it is, and it was what it was.  And all the stains did "come out in the wash."  My only regret was not allowing him to leave while I was holding him in my arms.  I had the chance, but I was not letting him go.

[Cookie]

On 12/30/2017 at 5:56 PM, TomPB said:

Yeah, what's the point without Susan?  I was all about loving and caring for her. Then, to make her loss even more cruel, with no warning that she was in a dangerous condition, I just sat in the living room while she died. If a Dr had given us the slightest hint, I would have never left her side, or been up in a nanosecond when I heard the water go on.

Couples. There is a woman in my meditation group who rests her hand on her husband. Couples walking with the woman holding the man's arm like Susan held mine. Couples snuggling on the train. Couples discussing their holiday plans, confident that their partner will be alive. Everything that I had and took for granted. My grief counselor talks about this and says to hope for "compassionate joy" but I'd be happier to see them fighting.

I have to say I'm right there with you TomPB.....Cookie

[Brad]

Today I get a Papa Moosie day with the grand kiddies. Having a great time and driving to the railroad park when Kenny Rogers’ “Through the Years” comes on. I had made a video for Deedo for our 25th with this song and of course now the lyrics have taken on a whole different meaning. I got rather misty and Ella (7) doesn’t miss a thing. She so softly says “I love you Papa Moosie, I miss her too.” 😭😭😭

 

[Gin]

Brad, That sure says it all, doesn't it?  I was only with Al for 16 years, but I felt the same way.  

[Brad]

Gin my dear,

Sixteen years can be a life time that disappears in a flash. 

[Cookie]

Brad...so sweet, your granddaughter.  Could hardly get through listening to that song....

 

Oh Gin, 16 years, any years with someone you are truly connected to is everything....

[Margm]

I didn't listen.  I cry when I see Barbra Streisand just because she sings "The Way We Were" and I don't have to even listen to it.  On our memorial stone will be the words "The Twelfth of Never" and that is all (other than names) and our ashes will be mixed together in regular old box in our plot.  Some things I cannot listen to. 

[Gwenivere]

This seemed like an appropriate topic for a surspise grief reaction.  I took one of my dogs to the pet store and saw a plastic squeaker bottle that said Mountain Drool.  Right color to mimic the real thing.  Steve was addicted to Mountain Dew.  Way back when I would have bought it, given the bag to him saying the kids found him a present.  We often found things for each other, just little stuff.  He would have been so excited.  He then would have laughed that grand laugh and of course given it to them, probably saying.....good one, babe, you got me. All would be happy.  

It so reminded me this is how it is going to be from now on.  Missed opportunities for simple pleasures.  I could see the whole thing playing out in my head and it hurt so bad.  We made big investments now and then, but this $6 dollar toy would be just as fun if not more. I’m sitting alone as usual so wishing I could have bought it for him.  I couldn’t just for the kids (they are in noooooo way toy deprived as it is),  it would have hurt too much from the significance my mind played out so easily.  It’s going to be a sadder night.

 The chains of grief get so heavy sometimes.  

 

[kayc]

It's weird how it's the little things that get us.  With me it might be a colorful leaf in the fall...we always used to drive out in the woods and pick an armful and come home and I'd arrange them into a bouquet.  Now it's hard to see those same leaves and know my partner isn't here to enjoy them with me.  No more drives together, no more shared enjoyment.

[TomPB]

3 hours ago, kayc said:

It's weird how it's the little things that get us.  With me it might be a colorful leaf in the fall...we always used to drive out in the woods and pick an armful and come home and I'd arrange them into a bouquet.  Now it's hard to see those same leaves and know my partner isn't here to enjoy them with me.  No more drives together, no more shared enjoyment.

Susan loved to see the longer days comingin the spring. She was such a happy person, it took very little to bring that beautiful smile. She took pictures out our bedroom window to record the growing light at the same time in the morning. Now we had a warm day yesterday and thinking of that gave me a grief attack. New world.

[Gwenivere]

So here is another Sunday night before another week kicks in.  Usually I like that because I at least have things to do even if my heart isn’t in it.  Now everything seems monumental no matter what day it is.  I so much want to care about something.  I always kept the house up because someone was here to see it.  The chores really are chores because I do them solely for me now.  Tonight I changed the bed, that’s a tough one.   I get so restless in this place.  I’ve been up and down a dozen times writing this. Finding things to touch up because it is habit although no one will see.  He did his best to keep me busy and I miss it.  Wandering and doing little things because there is no inner contentment anymore.  I so miss his mere presence making everything OK and feeling calm.  I miss the appreciation despite my griping which was mostly in jest.  I never knew all this 'free time' could be so bad.

AMC is running a Breaking Bad marathon which is a blessing.   It was our favorite show of all time and he got to see it all.    

[Margm]

TV is good, sometimes.  It is a good filler.  In fact, I can watch things I watched a couple of months ago and they are good all over again.  Probably because my mind is not 100% on what I am watching.  I think it is natural that we think of them so much.  My daughter put a bunch of pictures of him on Facebook tonight..  I looked at two of them and then said I was not gonna look at any more.  We are all so different about things.  Pictures bring some people comfort.  Pictures stab me in the heart.  Music calms the savage beast, but this beast had rather be deaf than listen to some.  I can listen to different things where I used to cry at "Purple People Eater."  I have decided that my selective memory provides a lot of scar tissue that I appreciate.  

App's you can add to Kindle that help with sleep do seem to calm me at times.  But there is one gentleman and one woman that repeats something like "isn't that right now" and for some reason, I get angry at them, they sound so condescending.  

We are rewatching "Criminal Minds" and I'm okay with that.  "Grace and Frankie" come on on the 19th.  We are with you  Gwen, you just cannot see or hear us.  We know how you feel.  Maybe a different path, but it is still your path.  I'm just down south on my path.  Somehow, I don't feel weak and unable to do things.  I know one illness will wipe me out.  But, you should have seen me talking to the woman who took my comforters out of the dryers before the dryer had stopped.  She did not know that I was someone that stays close to her clothes and my hair is gray but my temper still comes from the redhead.  Well, she got the adrenaline running so I guess I am still alive.  I really don't like "thinking."  Sometimes I cannot concentrate to read, but if I have a good book, the concentration is okay.  

I do have a family that takes up my time.  That also provides agitation sometimes..............but still got my Xanax, just no more than 2 a day.  Sometimes all it takes is one at night.  I guard my sleep very strictly.  Anyone wakes me up knows how I feel about it..  I wait until the pill cannot be ignored and Billy is gone from my sleep.  If I am woke up in the night, Billy visits my mind until I can go back to being unconscious.  I'm not a spring chicken anymore so I have to take care of me..  I feel guilty when I am selfish and mean.  

[Gwenivere]

There are pictures of us all thru the house from before the cancer came.  I’ve moved my favorite to a place I don’t have to see it so easily.  I’m adept at not seeing the others unless I want to.  I don’t listen to music anymore.  His being one left a huge void and the stuff I like from 'my day' has too many memories.  I have a CD he made me of my favorites and either they have a personal meaning or are about feelings he evoked in me.  It’s so hard living in our house where everything has a memory.  There is a recliner in his office that he spent a lot of time in laughing with his buds and it’s so empty now.  I pass it all the time letting the dogs in and out.  The list goes on and on for all of us.  

I know you and Brat moved.  I see plus's and minus’s to that.  All in all, I know we all lost no matter what we do.  

[Margm]

Gwen, I moved because I could not stay anywhere around where he left me.  He did not do it on purpose.  I even bought all new household items, keep the others in a box that I keep closed.  There is no sanity in the things I do, but somehow that does not worry me.  Some other people have voiced an opinion, I also have selective hearing.  I hear and see and remember what I want to.  If it brings me pain, I leave it alone.  Some things we cannot "unsee" and those I try to throw "scar tissue" over.  Our minds can be trained.  It really is not true that you cannot teach an old dog new tricks.  I learn new ones every day.  Necessary ones.

[kayc]

38 minutes ago, Marg M said:

here is no sanity in the things I do, but somehow that does not worry me.  Some other people have voiced an opinion, I also have selective hearing.  I hear and see and remember what I want to.  If it brings me pain, I leave it alone.  Some things we cannot "unsee" and those I try to throw "scar tissue" over. 

I understand what you're saying, and that is what we all have to do.  If something brings us comfort, embrace it, if it brings us pain we tend to avoid it, and that affects the decisions we make.  The only problem would come in if we do something permanent and then our feelings change and we can't undo it.  But you've always tended to be nomadic, so I saw no reason not to move if that is what made you feel more comfortable.

[Margm]

3 hours ago, kayc said:

But you've always tended to be nomadic,

I miss my nomadic life, but you know, without him there is only life, you just live where you feel more secure.  He was my security, where ever we went.  

[TomPB]

Seems to me there is a lot of variation. Some move ASAP, some stay. Some stop the old routines, some keep them. I'm not planning to move. This is OUR place. Susan loved living here, and I won't let grief drive me out. Susan is in every part of it. Her spirit must be here. Unfortunately I feel the pain of her loss more than the warmth of her presence, but I hope that will reverse. Susan used to say "🐼s hate change" so she will not be surprised.