Reflections and musings

[kayc]

On 4/26/2018 at 8:18 PM, Gwenivere said:

The latest I read said don’t think about your loss before sleeping.

My reaction is the same as yours, Gwen.  Really?!  Good grief!  Why didn't I think of that!

[MartyT]

And don't think about the pink elephant!

[kayc]

Haha, good one!  If only I COULD suppress my thoughts, my anxiety wouldn't keep me from sleeping during the night!

[Gwenivere]

I keep going to the root of this 'stress' tree and how it is affecting every part of my life.  Steve is the root.  Right now I am facing a car repair that Steve would have handed me the keys to his car and took care of mine.  Same with a bathroom exhaust fan that is dying.  My part was making the phone calls, he did the legwork.  We were a perfect team in how we handled unexpected complications.  These things come up I never thought of.  I’ve been thru so many with garage doors and computers.  I don’t want to be super woman.  I don’t want to be putting out fires all the time alone.  Being in constant physical and emotional pain has made me short tempered and unrecognizable to myself.  My poor furry kids sometimes get the brunt of it, so add in some guilt now. When I am out, the world seems tuned to other channels and people are moving along while I feel I am stuck between stations and in the static.  Can’t tune in.  If I could just stop the physical pain I could get some rest and handle problems like I did in the beginning on my own.  Even take some pleasure I did it.  I’d love to tell him as he would pat me in the back and say he never doubted I could like he did when he was out if town for work.I so hate feeling of no consequence to someone as these drag on.  It’s all just life happening as it always did, but doing it alone is getting harder.  It’s like Bizzaro world from the old Superman comic books.  It’s all backwards.  Surreal.  Wrong.  

[Gin]

I agree, Gwen.  Even very ordinary things take on huge proportions, now.  Al was almost completely blind the last few years, so I did all the driving.  I am directionally challenged ( nice way of saying that I am always lost).  Even though Al could barely see, he had some inner thing that always let him know where he was.  I always counted on him for directions.   Now I am lost in more than one way.  It is especially hard not to have him go with me to medical appointments.  I counted on him so much, and him me.

[kayc]

Today is our Treeplanting Festival, the whole town shows out for it, it's big for this town.  Our church has a float in it.  George and I used to enjoy it, I remember us picnicking with the barbecue chicken from it.  Watching the parade together, talking to the townsfolk.  I'm just not feeling it, going there alone, it's not the same.  Not sure what I'm going to do.  Last year I stayed home.

[KarenK]

Cinco De Mayo used to be a day of celebrating at a favorite Mexican restaurant with good food, music and Margaritas. Now it is simply the day my husband took his last breath and was carried through my kitchen door in a body bag, a sight I will never forget. He has been gone five years today, a lifetime for me, and yet somehow feels like yesterday. My life has changed in so many ways and continues to do so, but I continue to survive. I suppose that is a good thing. Sometimes I wonder.

[Gwenivere]

What a terrible day this is for you, Karen.  Those things we can’t unsee or forget.  The day our existence changed forever.  We would be going to our fav Mexican place tonight too.

I never had to just survive before.  I miss life.  I miss caring about something, anything.  I did for a short while in the shock year.  Since then, nothing.  

I can’t even watch TV or movies the same if there is a death scene.  It’s ficticious there, but triggers a reality for us.  Mother’s Day is getting to me now that I am so alone.  I always miss her, but these holidays drive it home.  

[Gin]

Karen.

i know this must be a terrible day for you with those memories.  Those days are etched into our minds and can not be erased.

[TomPB]

39 minutes ago, KarenK said:

Cinco De Mayo used to be a day of celebrating at a favorite Mexican restaurant with good food, music and Margaritas. Now it is simply the day my husband took his last breath and was carried through my kitchen door in a body bag, a sight I will never forget. He has been gone five years today, a lifetime for me, and yet somehow feels like yesterday. My life has changed in so many ways and continues to do so, but I continue to survive. I suppose that is a good thing. Sometimes I wonder.

So sorry Karen 🐼😢 I understand. I'll never forget finding Susan lifeless in the bathroom 10 min after we had a normal conversation.  How do we go on? There are amazing people here. Best wishes for your continuing journey, TomPB

[kayc]

Karen,

That's hard.  Especially seeing as it's a day of celebration for so many but for you it brings up memories that are tough to carry.

I elected not to go to the Treeplanting Festival, somehow seeing all the families would just bring home to me all the more how alone I am.  Instead I took my dog to Greenwaters Park and we hit the trails, it is incredibly beautiful, one of the most beautiful parks in the world if you ask me and it's only ten miles away.  My dog was even enthralled.  Normally he doesn't look up, but he did there as if taking in all of the beauty.  It made it a good day and I think I made the right choice for then.

How did you get through the day, Karen, if you don't mind my asking?

[Margm]

On 5/4/2018 at 9:38 PM, Gwenivere said:

Right now I am facing a car repair that Steve would have handed me the keys to his car and took care of mine.

We cannot do that anymore Gwen.  Wishful thinking, but factually, that is something that is left for me.  Billy traded off my big truck to my son, before he passed.  My son's truck was old, but my gosh, it was a long bed small truck.  Can you imagine how many men looked at that truck and said, that is the size I have to have.  Both trucks were paid for.  All papers were legal.  Scott had/has the big truck.  I had the single cab with a little tiny place behind the seat someone might have sat in, but mostly used to carry things.  I was at the credit union.  Had my granddaughter with me.  His girlfriend was at the doctor's across the street (naturally at a doctor's) and I could not take them both at once so I took my granddaughter home and then went to pick up by girlfriend-in-law, and knew that damn long bed of that truck was not gonna work for me.  No thinking on my part.  I do that a lot.  I jump and don't think and one of these days I won't have a soft place to land.  Truck already needing repairs, tires.  I did all this.  Then, an idea hit me, no thinking the reality of it, but I took that truck to the Toyota place, drove in and noticed a couple of men checking that truck out.  The salesman (not my saleswoman), came up to me and asked would I accept ???? amount of money for that truck because they had people that wanted it right now.  It was a good truck for a man but those damn telephone and electricity poles and sign posts always would not move out of my way when I wanted to back out of something.  I hated it and I hated the big truck Billy had traded.  We got a loss, but that was okay, it was family.  Billy left.  I got that damn truck.  Only took me that one incident to find out I could get a car with a back end that I could turn around on a dime.  Payments not very much at all,, made very good deal on that truck.  One of those two men wanted it very bad.  I'm happy for them.  

I cried cleaning out the big truck.  Billy had loved it.  Scott still has it..  He was down here two weeks.  I got to see it a lot, no sentimental feelings.  Now my little Ferris-Yaris, I can make short turns.  Have not backed into anything. (I'm knocking on wood), and they take care of it .  Small payments worth the 40 mpg I get.  I can carry 4-5 people with me too.  

We are women.  We have lost the best part of ourselves.  Billy said the one left had to stay.  I am staying.  I have found out if I get myself in a weakened condition, I find I can see perhaps at most assisted living.  Scared me.  I won't do that again and won't let "them" do it to me either.  I talk big.  Now I have to act big.

[KarenK]

Thank you for caring, my friends and thank you Kay, for asking. As time passes, it becomes a little easier to tuck the bad things away in the back of my mind. They are always there, but do not surface as often. As we all know, it only takes one little thing to bring them barreling to the surface. I will face one more on July 27. It is harder because Debbie's death was so horrific, but I will get through it.

Marg, I love my big Dodge truck. I somehow feel safer in it than a car, probably because it is high off the ground and I can see better, LOL   I rented a car for a few weeks to drive Ron around as he fell twice trying to climb into the truck. He no longer had the strength to climb up. I was not comfortable driving a car close to the ground. I do understand about the backing up, though. I am VERY careful. Hopefully, I won't expire before that truck does. Sure can't afford another one. I am forever grateful that my son is here to help with any problems. I am not mechanically inclined at all.

[Margm]

Billy took a car apart (motor) and put a new one in, but that was before all the computer things happened to it.  To him driving a stick shift was "manly" and to me stupid.  But, I knew how and was concerned when he went to the automatic.  It was then he quit tinkering with the vehicles so our son has no idea how either.  But get this, our daughter married a guy just out of mechanic trade school.  He so ruined one of our vehicles we had to get rid of it or pay big cost to fix it.  Rather just get a new one.  She got a new partner too.  Probably knew more about vehicles than the man did, but it wasn't a man.  Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh welllllllllllllllll.

[Margm]

Karen, I am not a good driver and it is a lot easier for me to get out of close situations if I play "Antman".  Back in high school on senior day I tried to take the rear end off the principal's car with those big wings things on back.  I had a bunch of Volkswagens after that.

[Gwenivere]

I’m having problems driving now.  It isn’t the vehicle, it’s that my mind is somewhere else.  I’ve had some pretty close calls So have to really focus. The last few weeks have been overly stressful and.i keep trying to find any other reason but the reality that after all this time, I have entered an isolation phase not of my choosing.  Perhaps this is part of the process.  I don’t know how to be alone now that I have so many health problems.  Some just may be stress, but darned if I know.  Docs always want to send me to other docs.  With no friends or family it is a real test of sanity.  No one to talk to.  I sometimes converse with the dogs and did with myself, but all I ever hear is my own voice, always.  All our senses need stimulation.  I want to hear a real voice again.  I talk with people when I am out, not as much as I did before because they are all alive and full of stories that remind me I don’t have that anymore.  But at home is always silent.  Noises are starting to startle me including the morning alarm because it signals another day of this hell.  I get so frustrated with TV I mute it and In the silence I hear our regulator clock ticking away the time.  My birds will suddenly start going nuts playing.  One of my dogs goes into red alert mode and it’s intense.  I’m just so tired of the silence he left behind.  

[Margm]

Gwen, I always say if I can remember who is driving (me), I am doing okay.  If we forget, we need to quit for awhile until we can remember again.  I can sometimes be so stressed, I am afraid I will forget.  It is time to hang up the keys until you remember.  How do police call it?  DUI (driving under insanity?)  I understand what you mean though.  Gwen, you have your fur baby, so I have no answers.  If you did not, I would certainly entertain the idea of assisted living.  If you have reached the point you cannot drive, contact the senior center where you live.  I know there have to be more than one.  We have them come by our apartments more than once a day and I live in a city of only 12,000.  You might have to pay a token amount if you have it, those that don't have it are on disability.  You might not want public assistance, I think I have heard you mention it.  Perhaps you have reached a point if you can no longer do it yourself, you need to contact them.  I know you know how,  having volunteered for so many years.  I know it is the company of the one person you cannot have that makes you feel this way.  But, when you reach a point you can no longer do for yourself, you have to consider this.  The sad fact is, we cannot rely on Billy or Steve anymore.  If you cannot rely on yourself, you need assistance.  If you won't accept assistance, then I have no answer.  It is cold reality we face and it is no fun.  It is not what we want.........it is what we are left with and we have no other choice than to lay there and die.  I found out the other day, that might not be hard to do.  

[kayc]

Marg, I drove a Yaris once, it was a rental, I loved it!  It got good gas mileage too and with gas prices as high as they are now (currently $3.30 here) that's a good attribute.  Only thing I didn't like was there was no arm rest, but I could make a special pillow do.  I did that for George and my "Barney" (a purple Civic we used to have), I let my daughter have the pillow I'd made for an arm rest when we gave her the car.  I'd consider a Yaris if I had to buy again, but I'm hoping it doesn't come to that, not sure I could afford it.

And my 89 Nissan pickup that was NOT taken care of before I got it...it had a foot in the grave before my son worked on it.  He removed the fuel injection system and put in a carburetor.  Probably would never pass inspection in Portland, but fortunately they don't inspect vehicles here.  It gets around easy, not always easy to start but if you persist it does eventually...now.  Before, not so much.  I liked the classic 78 Chevy with super low miles I had but it was so big (Silverado) and I needed rubber coated pliers to turn the hubs on it, at least my Nissan I can turn them with my hands, neither gets good gas mileage but the Chevy was awful, 8 1/2 mpg, but it sure was pretty, mint condition!  My son detailed it and sold it for me, I let him keep 1/2 for his trouble (he was in college), it went to a good home across the US, they were going to haul it to car shows, can you imagine that luxury?  Owning a vehicle just to show it off?  Me, I always needed something to get around in the snow, a classic you can only drive 150 miles per year to license that way.  What good is that to anyone?  But it'll be babied and garaged and I imagine is in a good home still.

George and I had a Ford Ranger.  He picked it out, it was beautiful, green, excellent condition, too bad the transmission went out three times in it's short life...it was 72,000 miles when I sold it.  It was hard to let it go but that was the condition on which my son agreed to fix it, I had to sell it.  He didn't want to work on the transmission every year, can't blame him.  Ahh, Rangers, they have a design defect, if only people could see all the weight resting on a tiny plastic pin that breaks.  Paul machined a new part for it that will last forever.  The guy is probably driving it still, the only Ranger in America that won't have that problem again!  It was hard to let it go...another memory of George and I.  At least you can visit Billy's truck once in a while, Marg!  I never saw that Ranger again.  Never saw my Grand Marquis again either that we bought together.  When I heard valve problems starting it was just under 100,000 miles, I got rid of it immediately.  DMV said no one ever changed the registration/title so it must have gotten parted out.  Sad, it was so beautiful.  Another memory gone.

(Pictures of similar vehicles)

 

[kayc]

7 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I’ve had some pretty close calls So have to really focus.

Oh Gwen, that must be very unnerving and scary.  It's good that you're aware of it so you can put in the extra effort to focus.  Don't want to see you in any accidents!

[Margm]

Now, if what I said makes you angry, I did not write it to do that.  I wrote it to tell you, if you find you cannot do it yourself, if you have no family or friends around you that you can lean on, then you have to take care of "you."  No clear way to do it.  

Gwen, sometimes we are left taking care of these things by ourselves.  Sure I have family and I am so happy to have family, but in fixing my own problems, I am alone.  You are alone.  Your fur babies have as much sense on how to handle our problems as my flesh and blood "babies."  Actually, we as women, we can be strong.  Eleanor Roosevelt said  "A woman is like a tea bag - you can't tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water."  I kinda like to think about myself as the "Earl Gray" of tea bags, and honestly, I hear your depressed state, but I also know you are a woman that is definitely as strong as an "Earl Gray" tea bag and know you can handle yourself quite handily.  I hear it in your voice, I see it in the force of your fingers on these keyboards.  Gal, to put it mildly, to put it in dirty terms, we both have had to grow our own set of "junk" and we can do it.  I know it is easy to give up, but I do not hear "give up" in your fingertips, I hear "I am woman, hear me roar"  So reach down, pull your new set of "junk" together and get help.  You have a choice, either do it there at your house or go to assisted living.  You cannot do that, then like I said, grab a hold" and you can do it.  YOU  CAN DO IT.  It ain't easy (and there is someone on here that don't like the word "aint" but in this case, this old red neck woman knows it "ain't" easy.)

I have my daughter moving into an apartment right now.  She is texting this old 75-year-old woman what I have to do now..  She cannot do it.  I HAVE TO DO IT.  Kinda think I am going to need something besides "Earl Gray."  See.........even at 75 with a 25-50 pound weight on our head, we still have to do it because we live.

[Margm]

Kay, my Ford Ranger (had been my son's) was exactly like that except for the cover.  Do you know I can back up, make a sharp backup turn and just pull on out.  Nothing back there.  I can see the back.  I pulled out of getting my oil changed and backed right into a pole right in the middle.  Could not open the back.  Actually, my reactions are still quick.  I don't know who put that pole back there but I did not see it backing out.  Didn't hurt the pole.  But the color of that Ford was a blue that looked purple.  You know how I love purple.  Have been tempted to put a long stem rose on one side of car and a long stem blue iris on the other side.  

[TomPB]

Glad I live in a place with great public transit, uber & Zipcar. My main reason for having a license is as ID. We (when it was we) gave our car away when I realized the most I drove it was to move it on street cleaning day. 

Last nite was throwing out very old credit card bills & started reading them & realized they tell the story of our life. Saw charges for some vacay & sailing trips that really knocked me out. The memories from 48 yrs are INFINITE the rest of my life will be an emotional minefield. 

[Gwenivere]

Marg, i don’t need assisted living, yet.  I need an assisted life meaning more than me and the silence.  I can’t manufacture friends or a clone of Steve, and while I get things done as this 'strong woman', it’s not how I feel.  I thank you for you input and caring.  You are right, everyone’s grief is thier own and I can’t even explain mine here adequately because of that.  Pain in the only word we all seem to have in common.  And the degrees of that varies as we go.  

Tom,  I, too, find new land mines along the way.  I think there can’t possibly be more but they just keep coming.  Someone posted somewhere.....5 years down without them, forever to go or something like that.  So true.

[Margm]

2 hours ago, TomPB said:

Last nite was throwing out very old credit card bills & started reading them & realized they tell the story of our life.

Tom, at the bottom of my linen closet in the bathroom are three huge folding stand alone folding boxes.  I don't dare look.  I have not needed anything in them in years and years.  I should burn them, but I can't. 

[Margm]

If I cannot find any help, if I am sick and hurting, if I had nobody to help me in any way, if I got retirement, if I was scared each and every day to just plain live, I would be looking for me a senior living place.  If my house was falling down around me and I could get no one to fix it, if I had no help from anywhere, then I would look for better living situations.

My daughter moved into an apartment house today, rooms are beautiful, she has closet space everywhere.  Tiny kitchen with big enough stove and refrigerator for a family.  Good floors, good ceiling, good everything..........and a washer and dryer.  

I'm sorry.  This is not what people want to hear.  Dammit, I miss Billy terribly and he would not do anything I am doing.  But, he is not here to help me and his memory does not fix anything that breaks.  I might leave tomorrow.  I might live five more years.  I just don't care.  I cannot fix anything that Gorilla Glue and duct tape won't hold together.  Billy is not gonna help me.

Still, I am not like other people..  I never was a homesteader.  No home has ever held me captive.  I did cry with that 28 foot RV driving away.  I was not an old woman.  I had dreams.  We had dreams.  Now, if I am the one left, and I am the one left, Billy left me, not his choice, not mine either, but I damn sure have to take care of what part of me is left, and I will or will die trying.  That is okay too.