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40 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

wk, rant off.  Makes me wonder what everyone is doing on yet another lonely night.

Tonight I watched the news and put some order to the box where I keep earings, necklaces and rings, things I don't wear anymore. They reminded me of a time that is gone. I may be young according to my birth certificate, but I don't feel young in my inside. I live two lives, outside and inside life, what it looks like and what is hidden. I should have attended a birthday gathering today but I didn't. Hearing stories about happy couples, happy kids, happy holidays and not very happy jobs is hard when you have none of it. What would I have said? "I'm looking for a job". End of my story. I cannot discuss my grief anymore.

the why question is always round the corner.....why....why...

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Plus, every place is a good one to talk about your family, your job, your kids, and etc....but there is not a place/situation to talk about grief. Certainly not at a birthday, a family reunion, at work....being this the state of things, I am thankful that I found this place.

 

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I came down with a cold , drinking a concoction of Lemon, Green Tea, Ginger,Cayenne, and Honey....And I got too much Cayenne in the formula.......Ana, any groups or celebrations I still find difficult even when I go into my "actor" mode where Grief is not part of me. Family events I do avoid...

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Gwen, that's how I've felt the last few days, chided for something I've done my best in and know I have, and I shouldn't let it get to me but it did.  It's happened a couple of times this week.  It's hard, I hope you do talk to your boss.  I agree, Diabetics do have a choice.  At our Senior Site, they fill out forms that state if they're Diabetic, but then they pick up a tag they display and it indicates if they want a Diabetic meal or not.  Most of the Diabetics choose not to, I'm one of the very few that eats sugar-free.  It's not the place of others to nag or decide for them, once they've been informed, they have the choice...and the consequences.  I'm of the mind that just because people get older does not mean they're children, their body parts may be lacking, but they're still adults, able to decide.  Unless...they have Dementia.  That's a whole new ballgame!

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scba, I understand.  It's hard being out of work on top of grieving, I went through that after my husband died.  Very stressful!  I don't know if these are people who knew your situation already or not, but if not, sometimes networking is the best way to land a job, through personal contacts.  I wasn't very good at that.

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I am going  to talk to my boss, Kay.  What bothers me is I usually handled these things on my own but I am so burnt out lately.  Dementia is a problem with some of the residents, but the unprofessional way this woman did this AND in front of a fellow volunteer was terribly poor skills.  When I started this Saturday gig, she dumped it on me and was gone for the day.  Her predecessor was just grateful to have the help that she expressed that and we could talk about problems as they came up as peers.  Grief makes us so sensitive even when we don't realize we are feeling it.  I knew something was wrong when I didn't feel anger but like a little kid.  

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I think grief (of mom) is playing into my sensitivity too.  When people say things judgmentally or attacking (over how you did things), it's hard to handle.  I find I have to step back and protect myself.  I hope things go well when you're able to talk to your boss, let me know, okay?

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Someone mentioned neutral time, which is what I call the times when I'm not totally debilitated by sorrow.  It was nice to know I'm not the only one with that description because most people don't understand what I'm talking about.  Loved Brad's description of how he feels.  I could relate to all of it.  Went through some things in the barn that my husband had stored and talked to someone wanting to buy them.  It took me down emotionally later; just made me feel like I was losing him all over again.  This grief experience should have been on "Twilight Zone," as that is the way I feel most of the time.  It's so crazy and makes you feel crazy....

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Marty....you posted a link about that 'neutral zone' where we just totally disconnect from the world for a bit.  I tried to find it but can't.  Could you post it again?  It wasn't the one about self care.  It was the mental withdrawl especially about hearing other bad news and not being able to care much.  Thanks!

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Transition After Loss: Tips on Navigating The Neutral Zone ~ If this isn't the article you meant, Gwen, let me know.

Also, you might be thinking of the response I left in this thread, about being preoccupied with our own losses and filtering everything we see through the clouded lenses of grief: http://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/index.php?/topic/9515-resurgence-and-anger/&do=findComment&comment=109428 

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On 3/20/2016 at 10:40 PM, scba said:

I should have attended a birthday gathering today but I didn't. Hearing stories about happy couples, happy kids, happy holidays and not very happy jobs is hard when you have none of it. What would I have said? "I'm looking for a job". End of my story. I cannot discuss my grief anymore.

I agree. And when people go "So, what have you been up to?" And you're thinking "uhhhh...."  The lies have to start coming. It can be hard to keep up the facade, and when people notice that's even worse.  It's still hard for me not be resentful and angry when I hear good news or fun times from others. I want some recent fun times to share too.

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I've have family in for the last 4 days.  My brother, nephew, step-daughter and her husband.  They all had 3 different business conferences Monday through Thursday and then they stayed extra days to be with me.  I was glad to see them and did enjoy their company, haven't seen any of them since my husband died (they all live in different states).  However, like was said above, didn't really feel like I could talk about my grief and how I was still feeling.  They never said that after 8 months I should be "normal" already, but was afraid to let any of them really know how I still feel lost, sad, scared, confused, alone and so completely not knowing who I am and where I belong.  I'm totally exhausted and have done nothing but cry today because I didn't for the last 4 days.  That sounds weird, but was afraid to cry in front of them, I felt like I need to show them how strong I am.

Joyce 

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Joyce, I feel like we all want to hold it together in front of people sometimes for whatever reason. Sometimes the truth is just to much trouble to reveal. When you say "no, I'm not fine. I'm terrible and I feel shattered." You know there is nothing anyone can do anyway. It's like this strange combination of wanting people to know and not wanting them to know at the same time.

I think when people think we're okay or "strong" it puts more pressure on us to put on a face because then if we break down they go "I thought you were doing better and doing okay?" and it makes me feel like I messed up. like "Ooops! You saw the real me."

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Brat#2,

It's okay to show them how you feel, it's also okay to not show them, whatever YOU feel most comfortable doing.  But now that they're gone, it's good to have a crying session and let all that bottled up feelings out.  And it doesn't mean you aren't strong...sometimes it takes a strong person to cry, to acknowledge their pain.  It takes strength to go on in the face of adversity, esp. when you don't feel like it.

I hope you can take some time to rest up now.

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Thank you HH and Kay for your words of comfort and understanding.  I am taking time now to rest up and get myself "together" again.  I didn't realize how that visit was both great to see them and so exhausting to see them at the same time.  It's been just me for 8 months, that having to deal with making plans and being with people, just exhausted me.  I've been doing a lot of sleeping the last couple of days!!

Joyce

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Joyce -

I don't know about you but I'm still at a place where I will get lonely and want to be with others but as soon as I do I find myself wishing to be alone again.  My grandkids are the only ones I can spend periods of time with because they are such an amazing distraction.

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Boy, do you have that right Brad.  I was looking forward to seeing all of them so much, because it had been 8 months since I had seen any of them and was feeling very lonely, but by the 2nd day, I wished I were alone again.  Hard to figure that out!

Joyce

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Brad and Joyce, I feel the same thing.  I only get visitors rarely.  A couple guys that still use Steves music studio and a woman who brings her dogs by to play with mine once a week for about an hour.  I sometimes think I want a friend who I saw more often, but when I do get around people I don't want to interact.  That may more be that they are not close friends, I don't know anymore.  All I do know is that I never thought about this stuff before Steve died.  Days were days and we carried on just fine.  I don't have any volunteering, counseling or doctor appointments today, so that means little to no contact with the living world.  I woke up thinking how huge this house and yard has become for one person.  Had a fleeting thought of downsizing and realized the work it would be to do such a thing with decades of collected stuff.  It's really wierd to wander thru your familiar home and feel like a ghost yourself.  

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Gwen, the thought of moving does not appeal to me at all.  We have lived here almost 25 years and like you said all the stuff you accumulate!!  That was a good explanation of how I've been feeling walking around my house, I'm a ghost too, not myself at all with Dale.

Joyce

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Gwen, I've felt that way too, wishing it was easier (and less expensive) to keep up here, but the mere thought of moving is daunting, esp. when you don't have help.  I imagine it will only seem more so the older I get.

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On the topic of moving, I hate to think about it too. Oh God. I'm living at home with my mom and she's basically a hoarder and a pack rat. She has terrible back problems, is old (and also is lazy) so if we moved, the cleaning and packing would all fall on me and I look around and would rather shoot myself than clean and pack up this apartment. She's been there over 40 years so imagine the crap in there. If it wasn't for what me and my sister cleaned up and threw away it would be even worse.

We  have constant basement flooding and have building/yard upkeep so the thought of moving has popped up. I'd have to pack up my sister's place too and I know that would fall on me. I'm scared for the day I have to do it. I will just have someone put it all in storage. I can't even think about it, yet alone do it.

After all this happened I lost my desire and energy to clean and organize so it's a hoarder house now.

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Kay, oh my!  I think that looking down the road at getting older adds to my feelings of fear about my home.  It's hard enough now to work up the motivation to do things just for myself.  But it is motivation.  Don't know what I will do when I actually can't because of more physical limitations.  I look at all the people now at the nursing home and how hey had to give up thier homes and even people that have moved into senior living complexes.  I'd have no help from family or friends, so I can't imagine how that is done.  Ugh, don't even want to think about it!  Also the thought of someone living in our house if I am still alive depresses the heck out of me!

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1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

It's hard enough now to work up the motivation to do things just for myself.  But it is motivation. 

My house is not large - only about 1,350 sq. feet.  Still have a maid service monthly simply because I lack the motivation to deep clean.  I'll vacuum weekly, keep the dishes clean wash windows every few months but that's about it.  Hopefully some time I'll find the motivation to do a better job but right now I'm lucky to get off the computer.  

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