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Hello everyone. 

I've been reading posts upon posts the past week and you all seem very caring, supportive, and understanding of one another through some of the most difficult times. I'm not sure how short or long this will be and if it's a little scattered, I do apologize. I can't seem to keep thoughts in one place too long...sometimes they don't even make sense. 

 

I'll try to make a long story short. 3 years ago my mother almost died due to liver issues. At the time I believe it was severe acute hepatitis at the time due to alcohol. Luckily she recovered and was told she could not take another drink. Unfortunately, addiction won and here we are 3 years later and she now has end stage liver disease, stage 4 cirrhosis. She was sent to the ER last week and admitted to the hospital, then transferred to another hospital that specialized in livers. It was then she was officially diagnosed with cirrhosis plus acute alcoholic liver disease and acute alcoholic hepatitis. She is having all the complications associated with this disease (jaundice, acsides that they can't drain, esophageal varices that may burst at any moment and bleed out within minutes, and hepatic encephalopathy due to the ammonia build up). Her lab numbers were just bouncing around and not having the appropriate trend up or down (as needed) and were all really out of the proper ranges. The ammonia came down slightly but she's still confused. She is not eligible for a transplant and even in the hospital was denying she still drank, despite lab tests and her discharge papers stating her labs indicated recent alcohol consumption. She was placed on a blind clinical trial because, well, why not I guess...it can't hurt, right? She could receive one of 2 levels of the new drug or a placebo and we won't know which. The doctors at the hospital were not very forthcoming. I believe they were trying to provide hope by being vague, but I am one that *NEEDS* reality so I can mentally prepare and plan. Hope is nice, but I still need a reality check of what we're dealing with! I couldn't stay and had to return to work, but my father stated half of her medical team said she has a chance of making 3 months, the other half of her team didn't think so. It is very much up in the air right now and I am completely in limbo. She goes to her local doctor tomorrow and back to the other hospital Friday for a follow up. I think we'll know more as to whether  she's improving, maintaining, or declining. 

I don't know how much I want to share, but due to various reasons she has decided to not see me or speak to me for over 2 years. I drove to the hospital to be there for her this past weekend and hoped to see her and to say goodbye if it was at that point, but she refused to see  me. Let's say it was a huge slap in the face and opened old wounds I'm having to put back together on top of this situation itself. I was there to help my father more so I guess. I don't want him dealing with this alone. Anyway, I didn't realize how hard I'd be hit with so many confusing emotions. i'm not one to deal with emotions well (if at all) and I can't seem to stuff them away like normal. Oh, I should've mentioned I'm 28, if that makes a difference, and my father is a much older father so I'm worried about his health currently and when she passes. I live hours away and I'm the closest one in the family on both sides.

So I'm dealing with 1) rejection and that anger, sadness, and depression, 2) an alcoholic parent, that history, and anger she did this to herself (though logically i DO understand addiction so there is empathy in there as well), 3) she's still my mother and deep down I DO love her and would like to say goodbye but ultimately didn't wish it was this time in our lives, but how?, 4) she's in denial about drinking so did she even listen when the doctor told her the prognosis this time or will she feel she can skate through once again? 5) I'm sure there's much more I can't verbalize.

I was researching things while sitting in the waiting room for hours. I wondered why the heck I was feeling all of these things before she was even gone. Was my mind jumping to conclusions? Was I exaggerating? Was I giving up? or was I starting to face reality? I stumbled across the term anticipatory grief and that was it! It makes complete sense. I did not know this was something that actually occurred but I'm glad I'm not alone! I also am still thinking "i don't even know the TRUE prognosis so am I jumping the gun in these feelings?" though logically we can't control feelings...they just come. My father is going back and forth between denial and windows of reality, which I completely understand. He doesn't want to lose his wife. I'm unsure how to help him at the moment being hours away. They've been married 30 years so I'm also starting to think (I'm too good at that!) about what happens to him when she passes. 

Anyway, I'm cycling rapidly or simultaneously with depression, anger, sadness, anxiety, and numbness. One minute I want to punch a wall, the next just crawl into a hole, the next I feel nothing which makes me feel guilty and cold, the next just make everything stop including the workday but nope, the world keeps going and I have to try to keep up. It's difficult, to say the least. Unfortunately I have my own severe depression issues that I was already struggling with before this came up last week. Sometimes it's very difficult to keep my head above water. Needless to say with all of this, I'm highly confused what is to come. The "what if" and "when am I going to get the call" is constantly on my mind all the time and each text or call I receive I wonder if it's "the one." If anyone has any advice on how to put that in the back of my mind so I'm not constantly on edge or anxious I would greatly appreciate it! I'm also having nightmares every night of her behavior in the past, or picturing her on her deathbed, in a casket, etc. The only way to stop this is to knock myself out with multiple xanax and even with that I'm waking up almost every hour....at least without nightmares I guess :( 

This week I will be talking to her local doctor about pallative care if she's too weak (or refuses) to go to inpatient rehab. I don't know exactly how all that works.

Work has been wonderful and they keep saying to go be with her, help my dad, take FMLA, remote in to work from there....that's all fine and dandy, but she refuses to see me and my father is afraid if she does it'll stress her out too much and cause her vitals or other things to get critical so stay here...I don't know what they all think of me due to that, but it's just an awkward situation. ::sigh:: I'm not sure where I'm going from here. I think I'm starting to babble...I tend to do that when I try to release thoughts/feelings.

Any insight, advice, words of comfort would be greatly appreciated right now. My head is kind of spinning at this point.

 

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Hi, I'm sorry for the reasons you are here.  I have Cirrhosis of the liver and don't even drink because of alcoholism in my family, it was likely from medicine or a parasite 19 years ago.  It's scary to me to think of end stage, but I am careful what I take into my body and try not to make the situation worse.

Not knowing your history with your mom, how you have gotten along, etc., am not sure why she's choosing not to see you, but it could be her not thinking straight, not wanting to deal with conflict, not wanting you to see her at her worst, who knows.  Have you talked to her doctor about her refusal to see you?  Also the hospital chaplain, they have a lot of experience talking to patients and they might be able to get further with her than someone else.  Other than that, all you can do is respect her wishes and know she is not in her right state of mind right now, not thinking clearly, and this isn't about you personally, it's her issues.  I know it FEELS  personal though.  

Try to stay in today and not borrow trouble from tomorrow (worrying about dad's future), that will arise soon enough, right now you have your hands full.

I hope you're taking care of yourself.  You mention wanting to punch a wall, totally understandable, which is why working out at the gym or running would be a great way to help relieve some of your stress and help you clear your mind.

My mom had mental illness and it wasn't uncommon for her to tell me or one of my siblings, "I don't ever want to see or speak to you again!" with no provocation, so I do know how that feels.  Fortunately she was speaking when she died, but she had advanced dementia so it was different.

Anticipatory grief is hard, been there!  Don't hesitate to ask the doctors questions, why they feel three months, what her true prognosis is, etc.  

I'm glad you're there for your dad, and your mom as much as she'll allow.  Please know, when the time comes, that you have been a good son and done everything you could, some people just have their own demons that affect their choices in life, and it sounds like your mom and my mom fit into that.  My one consolation is that my mom is now at peace and no longer having to face the struggles that plagued her all her life.

I pray for peace for you, my heart really goes out to you in this very hard time.

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My friend, my heart reaches out to you as you cope with the difficult circumstances you describe. Please know that the good people here will walk beside you with understanding and support as you navigate your way through whatever lies ahead for you and your parents.

You're looking for some insight and advice, so I want to point you to some reading that I hope will help you make some sense of what you may be thinking and feeling right now. Note that each of these articles also includes links to additional resources:

Anticipatory Grief and Mourning

Complicated Grief: Mourning An Abusive Mother

Consoling A Bereaved Parent, From A Distance

Is Anger One of The Stages of Grief?

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Hi,

I am sorry you are going through this...I have not had to deal with all the same things as you but some. My dad has end stage liver failure because of hepatitis C. He wasn't really an alcoholic until the last 5 years which sped up the cirrhosis. The encephalopathy and confusion as well as nutritional blindness is why we brought him to the doctors last year. Dad and I were the best of pals and he didn't want anything to do with me,he made up lies about me so my brother came and moved him from my house and eventually sold his own house to move in my dad. After living with him, my brother soon realized what was going on with dad and we have since made up and are trying to help him together. My point of this was to share that I can empathize with you because I am seeing some of the same things. For me, just labeling "anticipatory grief" has helped. It feels like it is normal and I don't feel so alone. I am not sure where to go from here either. I agree with the other people about talking to the doctor or even the chaplain. Chances are they will have heard similar stories and know how to help. I know it was real difficult to try and talk to my dad when he was full of ammonia. Lactulose( which goes in and binds the toxins and allows them to be excreted) has been a Godsend! He is also taking Xifaxan,which is an antibiotic to help kill the bacteria that builds up because the liver can't process all the toxins. I pray that your mom will have some clarity and realize you want to spend time with her and allow you to do that.

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Thank you everyone for your kind words.

KayC - I am sorry to hear you're having to fight cirrhosis as well. It sounds as if you'er on the correct path and doing what you can to help you stay as healthy as you can with the disease. That is certainly a key component and something that can be controlled!

Her choosing not to see me is her form of denial and not wanting to face who I am (which doesn't agree with her views in life). It's still a mix of emotions and thoughts. I'd like to say goodbye, but honestly, with liver failure I'm kind of worried about seeing her this way as the last picture in my mind, if that makes sense. I saw her 3 years ago when she was jaundiced, swollen, etc. and as far as I am aware she has only gotten worse. That may sound selfish of me to feel that way, but I'm sure, or at least hope, I'm not the only one to think these things when a loved one is dying. I have not had an opportunity to speak to her doctor personally, but my father and sister have. Thank you for the hospital chaplain idea though. I never would have thought of that. Down the road I hope to remember to ask for one. 

I'm doing my best to only think of today and my mom's situation and not my dad's, though it's hard to see him trying to hold it together all by himself hours away. He panicked this past weekend and said I may want to come up and he doesn't know how long she has left, then later said no don't come until it's critical because he "doesn't want to mess [my] life up anymore with this..." 

Regarding punching a wall I think I'm going to buy a punching bag. I just need to remember to do so. I have a horrible memory and stress is only making it worse. 

I'm sorry to hear about the situation you were put in with your mother as well. It can certainly be tough when your parents react that way. Thank you for your reassurance though stating that I've done everything I could. Logically I know this, but brains aren't always logical, especially with grief and all the complications surrounding this personal situation for me. I too think that yes, my mom will be at peace as well, but...it's hard to watch the process. 

MartyT - Thank you for the links. I'm going to take the time to look into them more in depth. It helps to know I'm not alone in these type of thoughts and feelings, but sometimes I still feel really messed up for dealing with things before it even happens. In the long run I hope it helps me process things though I suppose. 

Beckyndane - I'm very sorry to hear that your dad is also dealing with ESLD as well. I've never heard of nutritional blindness occurring. Would you be able to explain that? I agree that the label "anticipatory grief" certainly helps! My mom is currently on lactulose as well, but shes still constantly confused, dosen't have a good memory, and doing odd behaviors. For example, the other day she woke my dad up at 2AM saying she lost her pills....that she was just crushing in the pill crusher. He had to find them again the next day sitting right next to her. She's also throwing temper tantrums regarding things like wanting my dad to get an ice cream cone rather than have some from a tub so he had to go run and get one. I'm assuming that is part of the ammonia build up? My mom is also on xifaxan, 2 diuretics, potassium (it kept decreasing dangerously), and many other meds. I too hope I'm able to see her and say goodbye and my peace before the time comes, but with ESLD and her complications it could be any moment. She's oddly chipper from what her sisters have said, and called them names she hasn't used since childhood....to me that's very odd and gives me a bad feeling.

 

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I hope it's ok to kind of journal progress or what is going on in this post. If I need to create another one please let me know and I'd be happy to do so.

This past Tuesday she went to one doctor and her bilirubin was 26. Friday she had another appointment to check in with the blind clinical trial. Her bilirubin went to 31 and potassium almost critically low. She is now disqualified from the clinical trial so that option is now off the table as well. She gets blood drawn tomorrow and then another doc appointment to the specialist Friday. Her local doctor would prefer she go to that hospital and specialist in case she needs to be readmitted. It is considered the best as far as liver treatment in the state. I guess we take it a day at a time, but it doesn't seem to be improving. She's either maintaining at bad or declining. I'm kind of on edge waiting for her liver to completely crash one minute or her kidney function start to fail. I kind of feel helpless like a fish flopping out of water. Concentrating at work is very difficult and I have honestly fallen behind on many tasks. I know they're being understanding, but I hope they don't get frustrated as I try to catch up at home. My job is not one you can exactly fall behind on certain things! I'm doing the best I can though. I personally am seeing a counselor so we have switched tactics/topics to help regarding grief counseling. Luckily that is also one of her specialties!

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I think it's helpful to have a thread that stays with you in your journey, I had one here in anticipatory when my mom was diagnosed with dementia, clear through her death.

You aren't the only one that has a hard time with seeing them in their current state.  It was really hard to watch my mom go downhill, esp. towards the end, she looked so gaunt, so little, so old.  Even though she was in her 90s, she'd never looked it, she was always so cute...but death catches up with you.

A punching bag is a good idea, it'll relieve a lot of stress.

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I can't think of much to add to this advice, except my heart goes out to you. I"m glad you are seeing a counsellor.  I ditto the suggestion about the chaplain. I was with a family once who dealt with a chaplain when their daughter was in palliative care and he was awesome.  The family were actually atheists and the chaplain didn't push religion at all. He was just there to provide gentle support.

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She saw the doctor today. Her bilirubin has climbed to 35, she's sleeping a lot again, he smelled ammonia on her breath, and told her to get her affairs in order. I'm at a loss of words at the moment. I'm very unsure how to feel. I'm oddly numb and a big mix of emotions I can't untangle. It's weird. 

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I am so sorry.  I know this is hard hitting.  Each and every emotion you feel is yours and valid.  

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  • 2 weeks later...

Well, I got to visit my mother. My dad called and said he thought it was time so I drove up and my sister flew in. It was a rough patch but she made it through that night and we helped implement some things to get her a bit stronger. She wasn't sure who I was the entire time (alternated between calling me her grandchildren, my cousins, etc) but at least I got to see her and talk to her when she was lucid enough. While i was there she had her Last Rites done and she said she felt better (i guess emotionally). I drove back home last Sunday while my sister remained an extra few days. We were trying to get a home health/live in nurse set up but that's proving more difficult than we thought! In the mean time, my sister has gone back to her house and one of my mom's sister came in yesterday to help. She also had an emergency appointment with her local doctor. Her labs are either remaining the same or getting worse. She went to ER today and has been admitted to the hospital. Her white cell count has skyrocketed and they can't figure out why. They tested the ascites and that isn't infected so that's good at least. However, her kidneys may not be functioning or it's a UTI. They haven't determined either way. So we're up in the air again not knowing the kidney issue or what's causing her cell count to go up. Her sodium is critically low and the way to fix  that is reduce fluid intake, but to keep her organs functioning she needs more fluid so it's a catch 22 situation. We're still trying to set up help, but now we're discussing hospice. My sister and father discussed possibly going to a hospice facility, which I know is the last thing my mom would want. She'll be in the hospital with a potential to be released Monday as they slowly hydrate her. Tomorrow is Easter and her favorite holiday. It's sad she'll be in the hospital for the holiday, but at least she's here for it, right?

My boss suggested i take advantage of the free employee counseling. There weren't any things signaling i need it, but he takes really good care of his employees and wants them to be ok. He suggests people take advantages of these services when dealing with loss, divorce, etc. so I think i'll contact them next week to set things up. 

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T2, I hope the counseling helps.  Your mom is really going through it, I hope she gets the needed relief soon.  I'm glad you have help from the family.

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  • 1 month later...

I suppose I should update. It's been a long 6 weeks. The doctors estimated at the end of February she had 6 - 9 weeks left. I've been up to help, back home, then back up to help again. Each time another family member (my sister or my mothers') were there as well. I came up a third time last Monday night. They didn't think she'd make it, but once I arrived she rallied once again. It's been a long few days. Every day here feels like a week and it's a time warp. Whenever she was awake she was cranky. I understand why because her personality is an "in charge and in control" type and she insists she can do things, but she really can't. She doesn't like the help. My dad hired aids 24/7 to assist, however, I still came up. There were numerous times the aids still needed extra assistance so I'm glad I came. Coming back up was a decision I felt i had to do, despite how difficult it may be. 

Anyway, yesterday she was up maybe an hour total all day. When she was awake she was fully awake, cranky/yelling, confused from the ammonia, but able to semi-stand up with assistance to use the bedside commode, but otherwise slept. Today she has slept pretty much ALL day and is only half way awake for 2 min at a time where she'll make noise, look at you, but then go right back to sleep. She cannot get up and will not move unless the aids turn her over. She's on liquid ativan and morphine but i'm only giving them to her as needed. She's slept all day so only got one dose in the AM and one in the PM. I figure if she isn't awake, I'm not going to wake her up and possibly agitate her to just giver her a dose of some meds. At first she could not suck from a straw she was that weak, but now she can no longer swallow even liquids. We're trying to sponge her lips and put on lip balm, and squirt some liquids in her mouth with a syringe, but if she isn't swallowing it's not doing much good. She's had maybe 12 bites of applesauce the past 2 days. Lack of input = lack of output so I'm not sure if things inside are shutting down at this point or not. She's had one dose of lactulose today but that didn't have any impact on anything (if you know what I mean) and I could not get her to have a dose tonight. Her respiration rate is low and she alternates between snoring and congestion, but we don't think it's the "death rattle"...though her hospice nurse hasn't been here since Thursday. He should come tomorrow I believe. 

Yesterday I could have said it was a "down" day because she tends to bounce back up, but I'm not sure now. Lack of food/water indicates things and would make her worse in general due to dehydration. I'm trying to hold on strong for my father who's falling apart, but watching the aid today help my mom started to get to me. I don't want her to pass, but she no longer should be in this pain. She has stated she's spoken to her parents and my dad's parents, that they're "waiting for her" and last week "dead people are all around me trying to pull me in." Last week she was highly agitated and crying hysterically a lot when she started talking of these things. Due to the reason being her liver, we don't know if these visions were due to ammonia build up or part of the dying process. 

I'm not sure what to think at the moment. I think we'll know within a day or two which direction this will turn. A lack of liquid consumption could make things go downhill quick. I don't want her to die, but I don't want her to suffer anymore. Her mind is split and the intellectual part is still in there and is highly embarrassed, ashamed, etc. about being incapable of anything, but she makes no sense at all with words, if anything but mumbles come out. I feel so bad for her and I just don't want her to be in this pain, mental or physical. She needs to be with her parents.

The home aids were saying no to her snuggling with my father in their bed. She asked for 3 days and would start balling when she was told no. We had what seemed like a new aid every shift that I hadn't met before. I finally stumbled upon one that said yes and allowed us to wheel her from one room with the hospital bed to her bedroom, and we let my parents snuggle for hours last night. Today since she is unable to move at all, we set up a trundle bed next to her hospital bed and my dad slept on that and held her as he could. The aid that said yes was like "Hospice is about comfort care. what more can we do for her? If she wants to snuggle with her husband, we need to let her! There's nothing more we can really do for her, we need to allow her this." I'm grateful she allowed this, especially the day before she could not longer move. 

As I said, i'm trying to stay strong as my dad is falling apart. He's speaking of his death, how I'll lose both of them, that he can't live without her, etc. I'm terrified I'll lose them both in quick succession and I'm not sure i can handle that, honestly. I'm going to work on getting him support, but he is against counseling, group therapy, etc. and living out of state there isn't much I can do. I can't force him, just provide information. 

I'm done rambling for now. I feel the end is near and a whirl wind is about to ensue. I'm not sure what to expect after she passes (within minutes/hours). I've never witnessed this type of situation and I'm afraid of what I may see. I'll have to make the call to hospice when she passes and likely to all her local friends. 

::deep breath:: I'll update within the next few days.

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My friend, we carry you in our hearts as you walk through whatever lies ahead.  May you be blessed with gentle, loving comfort and grace, and may your mother's soul be blessed with all she needs on her journey 

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T2Logan,

I know this is a very hard time for all of you.  It sounds like she is transitioning.  My mom didn't have a death rattle, not everyone gets it.  I could tell when the end was near but I still didn't know how long it'd take, she went quite a while without eating or drinking anything significant.  

I'm glad you got an aide that let your parents snuggle, why shouldn't they?  I wish I could have with my husband before he passed.  A lot of times medical personnel and hospice don't think of things like that, but in the grand scheme of things, that is what is most important.  It's what your mom wants and what your dad will always remember.

You may have to make phone calls, but you'll get through it.  It helped me tremendously, when my husband passed, that my daughter and sister made the phone calls...I talked with people but they made the calls.  I wasn't even able to think.  I'm sure your dad is grateful for your help.

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Thank you Kayc and Marty T.

She was asleep for 1.5 days, up 30 min and combative, and has been asleep and unresponsive for another 1.5 days. She obviously is not eating/drinking and her breathing has changed with the apnea and pauses. Her nurse came yesterday and we have moved to not asking if she wants food/liquids because it is now a choking hazard since she cannot swallow, but of course we'd provide them if she indicates she wants them. At this point, if her eyes open at all they're half way, glazed over, and not looking at you, more through you. She isn't there. We're now just slowly giving her morphine and Ativan to keep her calm and comfortable, and turning her every few hours. I feel it'll be within the next day or so. I believe the aids call hospice at the time and then they get the process going, but I will be calling my sister. She has already said she will take it from there regarding calling all of my mom's sisters.

Once she became unresponsive we couldn't get her to her bedroom so we set up a bed level with her hospital bed for my dad to lay with her. Tonight, however, he's so distraught. He's convinced she won't know he's there or hear him. I tried to assure him that she can sense his presence and will still hear him. He just walked away and went into his room. I have this very strong feeling that I will lose them both very quickly back to back.

I ended up creating a playlist of some of her favorite songs and put an earbud in her ear so she could listen to them this afternoon. I plan to do this again tonight. I'm not quite sure where to go from here and I'm more in a waiting/anxious stage.

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Logan,

You're in my thoughts as you go through your mom's final days, I know how hard it is, having just lost my mom 1 1/2 years ago.  My thoughts are with your dad as well.  Losing your spouse is a very hard loss and affects every aspect of one's being.

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  • 1 month later...
On Monday, February 29, 2016 at 11:30 PM, T2Logan said:

Hello everyone. 

I've been reading posts upon posts the past week and you all seem very caring, supportive, and understanding of one another through some of the most difficult times. I'm not sure how short or long this will be and if it's a little scattered, I do apologize. I can't seem to keep thoughts in one place too long...sometimes they don't even make sense. 

 

I'll try to make a long story short. 3 years ago my mother almost died due to liver issues. At the time I believe it was severe acute hepatitis at the time due to alcohol. Luckily she recovered and was told she could not take another drink. Unfortunately, addiction won and here we are 3 years later and she now has end stage liver disease, stage 4 cirrhosis. She was sent to the ER last week and admitted to the hospital, then transferred to another hospital that specialized in livers. It was then she was officially diagnosed with cirrhosis plus acute alcoholic liver disease and acute alcoholic hepatitis. She is having all the complications associated with this disease (jaundice, acsides that they can't drain, esophageal varices that may burst at any moment and bleed out within minutes, and hepatic encephalopathy due to the ammonia build up). Her lab numbers were just bouncing around and not having the appropriate trend up or down (as needed) and were all really out of the proper ranges. The ammonia came down slightly but she's still confused. She is not eligible for a transplant and even in the hospital was denying she still drank, despite lab tests and her discharge papers stating her labs indicated recent alcohol consumption. She was placed on a blind clinical trial because, well, why not I guess...it can't hurt, right? She could receive one of 2 levels of the new drug or a placebo and we won't know which. The doctors at the hospital were not very forthcoming. I believe they were trying to provide hope by being vague, but I am one that *NEEDS* reality so I can mentally prepare and plan. Hope is nice, but I still need a reality check of what we're dealing with! I couldn't stay and had to return to work, but my father stated half of her medical team said she has a chance of making 3 months, the other half of her team didn't think so. It is very much up in the air right now and I am completely in limbo. She goes to her local doctor tomorrow and back to the other hospital Friday for a follow up. I think we'll know more as to whether  she's improving, maintaining, or declining. 

I don't know how much I want to share, but due to various reasons she has decided to not see me or speak to me for over 2 years. I drove to the hospital to be there for her this past weekend and hoped to see her and to say goodbye if it was at that point, but she refused to see  me. Let's say it was a huge slap in the face and opened old wounds I'm having to put back together on top of this situation itself. I was there to help my father more so I guess. I don't want him dealing with this alone. Anyway, I didn't realize how hard I'd be hit with so many confusing emotions. i'm not one to deal with emotions well (if at all) and I can't seem to stuff them away like normal. Oh, I should've mentioned I'm 28, if that makes a difference, and my father is a much older father so I'm worried about his health currently and when she passes. I live hours away and I'm the closest one in the family on both sides.

So I'm dealing with 1) rejection and that anger, sadness, and depression, 2) an alcoholic parent, that history, and anger she did this to herself (though logically i DO understand addiction so there is empathy in there as well), 3) she's still my mother and deep down I DO love her and would like to say goodbye but ultimately didn't wish it was this time in our lives, but how?, 4) she's in denial about drinking so did she even listen when the doctor told her the prognosis this time or will she feel she can skate through once again? 5) I'm sure there's much more I can't verbalize.

I was researching things while sitting in the waiting room for hours. I wondered why the heck I was feeling all of these things before she was even gone. Was my mind jumping to conclusions? Was I exaggerating? Was I giving up? or was I starting to face reality? I stumbled across the term anticipatory grief and that was it! It makes complete sense. I did not know this was something that actually occurred but I'm glad I'm not alone! I also am still thinking "i don't even know the TRUE prognosis so am I jumping the gun in these feelings?" though logically we can't control feelings...they just come. My father is going back and forth between denial and windows of reality, which I completely understand. He doesn't want to lose his wife. I'm unsure how to help him at the moment being hours away. They've been married 30 years so I'm also starting to think (I'm too good at that!) about what happens to him when she passes. 

Anyway, I'm cycling rapidly or simultaneously with depression, anger, sadness, anxiety, and numbness. One minute I want to punch a wall, the next just crawl into a hole, the next I feel nothing which makes me feel guilty and cold, the next just make everything stop including the workday but nope, the world keeps going and I have to try to keep up. It's difficult, to say the least. Unfortunately I have my own severe depression issues that I was already struggling with before this came up last week. Sometimes it's very difficult to keep my head above water. Needless to say with all of this, I'm highly confused what is to come. The "what if" and "when am I going to get the call" is constantly on my mind all the time and each text or call I receive I wonder if it's "the one." If anyone has any advice on how to put that in the back of my mind so I'm not constantly on edge or anxious I would greatly appreciate it! I'm also having nightmares every night of her behavior in the past, or picturing her on her deathbed, in a casket, etc. The only way to stop this is to knock myself out with multiple xanax and even with that I'm waking up almost every hour....at least without nightmares I guess :( 

This week I will be talking to her local doctor about pallative care if she's too weak (or refuses) to go to inpatient rehab. I don't know exactly how all that works.

Work has been wonderful and they keep saying to go be with her, help my dad, take FMLA, remote in to work from there....that's all fine and dandy, but she refuses to see me and my father is afraid if she does it'll stress her out too much and cause her vitals or other things to get critical so stay here...I don't know what they all think of me due to that, but it's just an awkward situation. ::sigh:: I'm not sure where I'm going from here. I think I'm starting to babble...I tend to do that when I try to release thoughts/feelings.

Any insight, advice, words of comfort would be greatly appreciated right now. My head is kind of spinning at this point.

 

There's just a lot of pain that accompanies the disease of alcoholism.  Even though it's your mother and you love her it still really is jails, institutions or death.  My father in law is about 48 hours from death from the same disease.  Your feelings seem extremely normal to me as your whole being was preparing for her death even if it didn't happen.  Get some kind of help as you don't want to end up with an addiction due to the stress of this situation.  God bless you.

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