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Lost Love On Top of Family Losses


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SORRY FOR THE ESSAY!

Hello,

I am incredibly confused and hurt by a recent situation. I would love some advice and help.

Four years ago, I lost 5 family members over the course of the year. Most of them came suddenly and without warning. I felt emotionally numb for a long time and my grief process was delayed. I began grieving for my losses 2 years ago. Last year, I moved to another city on my own to pursue academic and career goals. I met a man who I hit it off with instantly. He eventually told me that he had lost his mother a year prior to meeting me and I shared my losses with him. We found it incredible that not only was there chemistry of all levels between us, but we were going through similar times. Everything was going well between us. We had our separate lives and made time for one another as well. Last summer, he came to visit my hometown and I attended his friend's wedding.

Then he went to visit his only surviving uncle. When he came back, he became incredibly distant. I would only see him sporadically and he stopped taking care of his health. He began smoking, drinking too much, and using drugs. He would call me randomly when he was having a hard time and I always left whatever I was doing to be with him. I constantly told him how much he was loved. He was an only child who lost his mother and never knew his father. But he has a lot of smart and kind friends in his life. He would tell me how amazing I was and how I always made him feel better. But he could not be in a relationship right now because his uncle was dying and he needed to work through his emotions on his own. I said whatever he needed but I was always a phone call away. Those phone calls came and I was there for him when his uncle died in November. In December, he went to visit friends in different cities and help his aunt out. I returned to my hometown to spend the holidays with my family. I hardly heard from him. 

Early this year, I met up with him and he said he thought I would have moved on by now. I was surprised by that comment and said I was interested in dating. We also only had a sexual relationship at this point. Three weeks ago, he talked about the future and how he was going to make more time to spend with me. He said many hopeful things and I thought maybe he was making progress to find some "normalcy." Two weeks ago, I couldn't get a hold of him. He wouldn't return my calls or texts. Then I saw on social media that he had got a ridiculous tattoo. I also saw another woman commenting on his photos quite a bit. I left him a voicemail and told him I was concerned rather than applauding his tattoo the way others were. Last Friday, he deletes me off all of his social media, texts me goodbye messages after writing an essay of my good qualities. I asked him what was going on. Then at 3am while I was sleeping, he texts me and says he's serious about someone else now and can't have me in his life. The woman he is with is a grievance counsellor and the same girl applauding his ridiculous behaviour.

I am so dumbfounded. I believed him when he said he couldn't be in a relationship because he needs to find the right feelings. That was a lie because he's in one now. I feel hurt that I lost someone I truly love and care for after going through my family losses. I was there for him and tried my hardest to be a good person. I compare myself to this new girl and I can't figure out what she's been able to do and give him that I didn't. Then I hope that this counsellor isn't one he's seeing professionally. 

Advice? I don't know what to do. I'm hurt and genuinely concerned for him.

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If she's taken up with someone who was seeing her professionally, that seems a breech big time and should disqualify her from counseling!  

I am so sorry for your loss.  I can't help but feel you're better off without him but I know that's not how you're feeling right now, it hurts like hell.  How this has transpired is very unfair to you, I hope he sees that someday.

(((superhug!)))

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I just feel that if he got the proper help, he would get better. I was ready to help him in any way, even if that meant space. I don't understand how he's seeing someone else? He said he wasn't ready but he is now? Everyone keeps telling me how unfair this has been to me but why doesn't he see that? He kept telling me on Friday that he never intended of hurting me. What were his intentions?

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I don't know.  Jim and I had a similar discussion today.  He's not seeing someone else, but neither does he own his actions.  It's like he think I am somehow to blame, I wasn't perfect in my response to his telling me he couldn't see me while his mom was alive...well she didn't have a cancer diagnosis or anything, it could have gone on for years, we had no way of knowing, esp. since her Jimmy was taking care of her.  I felt he should have let me see him ten min. a week or something, after all, his ex-wife could, his friends, could, his neighbors, only I was excluded!  That seems very unfair to me and instead he broke up with me.  I totally supported his taking care of her, I got that, I just didn't understand the excluding me part!  Never will, I guess.

Who wants to be with someone that doesn't care about you more than that?

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Wow, I'm sorry to hear. I try to look back at my grieving process and how I treated people in order to understand why some people were shut out and others were not. I took a year out before I reached out to my best friend. She has never forgiven me and we are now acquaintances. I understand that she wanted to help but I was trying my hardest to be strong and I knew I would breakdown with somebody very close to me who wasn't grieving alongside me. So I only communicated with my family and people that weren't that close to me. I definitely regret it because I lost a couple of great friends due to this feeling. 

When I was grieving, I wanted new people around me because they wouldn't compare me to who I used to be. I wanted to talk about anything that wasn't personal. I wanted surface level conversations and social times that led to superficial fun. Now I'm looking for more and feel saddened by lost friendships. It's not that I didn't care for these people; it took me awhile to realize that I care more about them than I do about the new friendships I have created. Time isn't always kind.

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I guess it's hard for me to understand because I never shut anyone out...instead I had friends disappear on me when my husband died because it made them uncomfortable and they didn't know what to say (people like to fix things, if they can't, they sometimes flee).  But I was very supportive of Jim's taking care of his mom when she was dying so it's hard to understand his reaction.  Oh well, it's all history now!  

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Maybe Jim wonders about his actions as well. 

I hope one day I'm able to say "it's history now," too. At this present moment, I'm just concerned for this man in my life who is making terrible decisions regarding his own self. I really should be taking care of my own self worth. My logical mind and hurting heart are on conflicting ends.

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I just talked to him, he was very nice and said sometimes we need to talk about things and he knows I love him...he's going to call me back in a few.

I hope you can focus on YOU right now and let him go.  If the time comes he realizes things and comes back to you, it will be time enough to consider what you want.  Right now it's the time for healing you and finding what you want.

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You are absolutely right. I am trying to focus on school, my job, my health, and spending time with my friends. I hope he comes back but I doubt it because he has someone else in his life to fill any void. I feel pathetic admitting that I hope he realizes how much I gave and how I was looking out for him. I have so much hope but I know I must focus on me. 

Thank you kayc. I know I'll end up posting on here about this again because I will need moments of strength and still welcome all advice. Today, you helped me immensely. (hugs)

 

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I'm glad.  He entered this relationship without having fully dealt with all he needed to, so I doubt it'll last, like a rebound, they usually don't, they're gone into with the wrong reasons and without clarity of mind.  He will at some point have to deal with his issues or they'll get in is way.  You were always there for him and at some point that's going to hit him and he will miss you.  What he does about it is another thing.  Meanwhile, you can go on to have a good life and you may reach a point where you may not want him back, but that remains to be seen. I wish you the best!

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It's been only a week and I am doing better than when I initially found out. But the pain comes and goes in waves. It has taken a toll on my physical health since I am unable to eat or sleep. 

I keep thinking that he will end up with her and then I will be truly devastated. When I lost my family members 4 years ago, my boyfriend at the time cheated on me and suddenly ended our relationship as well. A year later, he married the girl he cheated on me with. I understand that I wasn't the greatest girlfriend at the time because I was emotionally distant but being lied to is the worst feeling. This loss of my current man feels the same way because this time around, I was emotionally there and love him but he still lied to me and left suddenly. I keep getting flashbacks.

Also, what if I was the "rebound" and he has found a relationship with this woman? I can't help feeling a lesser version of me.

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This isn't about you, it's about HIM.  His loss, his character, his neediness, etc.  Nothing to do with you!  You are still the same valuable person you were before you met him, and after he broke off with you!  

No, it's more likely SHE is the rebound.  You were there first.  I know it doesn't make any sense, but it's grief talking, and lord help us make sense of grief!

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MissLoss, KayC is so right and saying what I've known all along in my situation as well.  It's about HIM.  We've done nothing wrong. 

Grief clouds the mind, and makes people do things they normally would not do.  If he is involved with his grief counselor, God forbid, that will blow up in his face.  He doesn't love her, he's clinging to anyone that can give him insight to his pain.  And shame on her for breaching that trust and taking advantage of his vulnerability.  I have gotten asked out by many of my family members as a hospice nurse but would never breach that line of professionalism.  One proposed marriage to me in the driveway after his mother died, and said his family approved.  Sounds funny but I had to block him off of search on facebook as well.  I have subsequently watched families fall apart during hospice care, and fights at funerals.  Sad. 

Don't feel badly over how you reacted when you were grieving, and people in your past should understand that you were in a dark place then.  If they don't, then they aren't worth keeping in your life.  Stay strong, don't contact him, let him make the contact and then choose where you want to be. 

Love and hugs....

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Many years ago when my MIL was dying of cancer, we had one hospice nurse start an affair with my FIL!  Oh man, the family was livid!  You could hear them yelling down a block away!  Needless to say, we didn't have her come back!  The rest of the nurses were great though, we couldn't have done it without them.  People that breech their professional boundaries deserve to have their licenses taken away.

 

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I've been hearing that it's not his grief counsellor. He apparently only went once, met an intern there, started dating her and never went back to counselling. I don't know when this happened because 4 weeks ago he was with me and we were talking about the future. I just don't know what's going on. He needs help and maybe he thinks he will get it through the counsellor?

I still can't help but wonder what happened last fall when he said he doesn't believe in love or the feelings that are associated with relationships but now he's in a very committed one?

But yes, I understand that this is about him and I need to just let him be even though I miss him very much.

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Doesn't make it easier though MissLoss.....and either way whoever she is, its nothing but grief driving the "attraction" to her.   

I miss my boyfriend too.  Its hard to go from daily contact, to days and days without.  Matt and I talked daily, mostly by phone, and it's been over a month already without a phone call.  I honestly believe that they cannot know how much they need us unless we are out of the picture, not even a text message.  And I thought that a just a text here and there, and not seeing me would be enough for him to realize he needs me.  Now I know better. 

Stay strong, Hugs to you.....

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KayC that's terrible about the hospice nurse! In my seven years of being one, I've never experienced any of our staff crossing the line like that.  How terrible for the family who is already grieving and vulnerable to have to go through that.  That would have been enough for me to fire the company and find a new one. 

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I don't know what they did with her but she didn't come back.  To think she was carrying on with him right under our noses!  Worst of all was that mom felt so bad because she already felt "less than a woman" because she was lying there dying of cancer, and he made her cry by this...we found it rather unforgivable but she made us promise to forgive him so we had to try to get past it...you'll never know how hard it was, but we did move past it and I still loved him and visited him regularly clear up until he died, long after his son divorced me.  It was just a hard time, the whole thing, but kind of special too, you know?  I mean we went through so much as a family, together.

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  • 2 weeks later...

The less I see him, the more I seemed to be worried. I hope the new woman in his life is looking out for his well-being but I have no way of knowing. I'm finding it hard not to be worried or care.

Over the past couple of weeks, people have been asking me out on dates after they've found out I'm single. I keep saying no because it's not what I want to do right now. I don't believe that moving on requires finding someone else. My heart's not in it. 

I feel like my emotions are all over the place. What do I do?

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As difficult as it is we need to take care of ourselves first.  I can't even imagine going out with anyone else right now. Eventually, maybe, but right now healing is first and foremost on my mind.  I believe you are doing the right thing in saying no and listening to your needs.  I'm so glad we can come here and share what we're going through and receive the tremendous support we need. As hard as it is grieving for our lost loves, we have to feel everything to move on in a healthy way.  I know it will get better - no need to rush. :) 

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  • 3 weeks later...

I am going through a similar situation. My boyfriend lost his father 3 weeks ago and he broke up with me two weeks after his passing because he feels empty and broken and has nothing to give me. He also said he is no longer the same person he was before his dad's passing. I am in such pain for him and his loss and I am in such pain for my loss. It's so hard for me to understand where he is coming from in making the decision to leave me. I can understand him withdrawing from me but why leave? It's such a rash decision that doesn't need to be made right now. I guess he feels he can't turn to me during this hard time and that hurts. I can get the sense of his loss being far bigger than my loss and his head just isn't there right now to be concerned about me and our relationship. It just hurts on so many levels and I am absolutely fine with giving him his time and space. It's heartbreaking. He openly appreciates my support, but I guess for now he is only comfortable with turning to his family for his emotional needs and I can understand that. They know what he is going through whereas I don't. I hope in time he will start to lean on me a little more and hopefully doesn't shut me out completely. I suppose I just need to tread lightly right now as we are still living together for another month.  He is seeing his councellor regarding this and thats admirable and very brave of him. 

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Jaded,

I know it hurts, I'm sorry, I cried for months when it happened to me.  You are grieving the loss of a relationship and it's really tough.  As if that's not enough, you're worried about him.  When relationships break up for other reasons, it's easy to be mad and that fuels our getting over them.  But when they're a really swell person and go through something through no fault of their own, you can't be mad.  Well you can be but you don't stay there.  All of the emotions you go through can be so confusing!

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Yes exactly.  It hurts that he doesn't want me there with him.  Yes this is a very different kind of break up. All the others have been out of anger more than anything else, but this is something entirely different. My emotions and feelings have been up and down and I'm sure they will continue to be for a long time.  I definitely felt the anger and felt worthless and like our relationship and I never mattered to him. I understand that this is not the case at all. I came to a point where I set my broken heart aside because what he is going through is far more substantial than what I am going through. He means more to me than my broken heart. Right now, he and his needs come before my pain. That's where I am right now.  That might not be where I will be in a month from now.

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