Lost Love On Top of Family Losses

[Jaded11]

One day at a time is all I can do right now. For him, Im sure it's one moment at a time.  I guess all these factors will make it hard to really "move on".  It's hard for me to think of this process as moving on from him and our relationship because he never did anything wrong that would make me feel the need to move on and forget him. I think it's going to be a process of learning to live without him and that's it. 

[kayc]

You're right in that your feelings can change a month from now, mine were all over the place!  It's okay to feel conflicting emotions at the same time even, all of them valid.

[Jaded11]

Thank you so much for your support.  It's good to be reassured that the feelings I am feeling are normal and ok to feel.  I plan on seeing a councellor this thursday for some more insight and more guidance. I think it's easier to deal with all of this while he is still living with me, but once he leaves, I fear it's going to be so much harder because I won't know if I will ever talk to or see him again. I think it's good to reach out for that support everywhere I can because there will be so many changes I will go through undoubtedly.

How long ago did this happen to you kayc?

[Raven12]

Dear Jaded11,

I am going through this as well with the man that I considered my boyfriend for a year.  Things were going along wonderfully for us, and the day after we celebrated successes for both of us, his son was tragically killed in a car accident.  He was only 22, and it was a few weeks before Christmas last year.  I stood by his side through the memorial and funeral, and he kept in contact with me over the next two months, although we saw each other sporadically.  Then things changed and he began to isolate himself and cancel plans with me. I understood and gave him his space until he started being busy every weekend.  Then I talked with him and said it was time to give him some room to process his son's death, that was in February.  We maintained contact by texts only and a few weeks ago he agreed to dinner with me, my suggestion.  All was fine until he cancelled twice, and I finally got annoyed, telling him that he needed to treat me like I matter in his life.  He apologized and offered to reschedule but I haven't heard from him since, that was two weeks ago.

I miss him, but feel that he needs this time so badly to learn how to live life without his son.  And I cannot imagine the horrific grief he must be going through. 

Stay busy, focus on your life and answer him if you hear from him.  Don't call and text, take it from my experience, I tried that, and it backfired.  The only thing that seemed to work with mine was giving him room and letting him reach out.   Unfortunately I don't know how to handle my own situation either right now.  I was making progress and getting him to open up to me, but grief that is that deep has such a heavy toll on someone. 

[kayc]

Raven,

Jaded is still living with him for the next month so they are still in contact, but she's aware it's ending.  A very hard place to be in, for sure, because "no contact" does help preserve the feelings we have while giving the other person space.

Jim and I broke up nearly six years ago.  We were no contact for a few months.

[Raven12]

Sorry Kayc, I missed that in the posts.  That would make it so much more difficult. 

As for me, I've put mine in a different place, acceptance of what is.  That is honestly the only choice all of us have.  My thoughts are with you Jaded, stay strong. 

[kayc]

Yes, it does complicate things, my heart goes out to Jaded.  While a clean break can be excruciating, imho it is better than dragging it out which can be a living hell because your emotions run high.

[Jaded11]

Thanks guys I appreciate your caring.

 

Raven, I am so sorry for your loss. A parent should never have to bury their child. I feel so horrible for you and your ex. And what a hard time to lose a loved one... right before christmas. I couldn't even imagine given what the spirit of christmas is all about. That is so difficult. Yeah I'm sure it is going to take quite some time to learn to live without his son.. imagining the hopes and dreams he had for him and all the things in life to look forward to.  I've read the first year is so hard but the second year is even harder, but I'm sure that's different for everyone. This is still so fresh for your ex so it most likely will take some more time. The important thing for you is that he knows you stilk care about him and you are still there for him, even though it seems he can't handle that right now. At least he knows.  When he is ready, I'm sure he will look back and take comfort in knowing that you were there for him even while he was pushing you away.  Give him some more time. It sounds like he really needs it.  Thank you for your great advice. I wilk start focusing on me and bettering myself, accomplishing goals once he leaves. For now, I'm doing what I need to do for myself while still actively being there for him as much as he needs me to be.

 

Raven, you advised to not text or call unless he does. Once my ex leaves, if he does not reach out to me for a week or so, I feel like I would think at that point that I would like to reach out to him and send him a very light and friendly text. Is it really better that I just wait for him instead?  I also think that I might be thinking that I would wait for him to reach out first because I don't want to push him and make him feel rushed or anything.

 

Kayc, you prefer the idea of no contact? So did your ex try to contact you and you chose to not respond to him to stay in no contact? Or was no contact mutual? He didnt reach out to you so you didnt reach out to him?

 

For now, I am coming to the idea of acceptance but Im sure after he leaves, it's going to reverse and that wound will be freshly open again. This is a slow process for me in learning to live without him.

 

Thank you for your kind words Raven. My thoughts are with you as well and we can all stay strong together. Be one another's support team!

 

I think what's hard about living with him still is the constant reminder that he is choosing to be elsewhere than home with me or spend time with me, even going for a walk together. I have been thinking of asking him if he would like to.  Do you guys think there is harm in asking him? Maybe even that would be too much for him?  Thanks to kayc and others, I have a much better understanding of why it's just me he can't be around right now and prefers to be amongst friends and family. Understanding that makes it easier to accept that's the way it is.

 

Much love and support to you both!

[ChinUp54]

Hello everyone.  As Raven and Kayc already know, I'm going through the same thing. My guy lost his mother in January 2015 and shortly after the 1st anniversary of her passing he stopped calling me or returning my calls.  A bit of background, we had been in a long distance relationship for just over 3 years, and six months after she passed is when things started to change.  He would not let me visit and kept saying that he wanted to come see me, but never booked a flight.  Said he wanted space, didn't want a relationship with anyone right now, working too much, yadayadayada. I haven't seen him since May of 2015, although he continued to call me most every day until this past January.  I gave myself a deadline of no contact to April 15.  A friend of mine who lives in his area reached out to me on Saturday asking for my guy's phone number as they were in town and wanted to invite him out. So I gave it to him and let him know that he had stopped calling me. He said he was sorry to hear that.  While my guy didn't meet up with them Saturday night, they ran into each other Sunday morning and had a short visit.  My name was not mentioned.  Later in the afternoon I sent my guy a text saying "I hope you don't mind that I gave XX your phone number." And I added that it was "nice to see you were out on your motorcycle while I was shoveling snow - LOL.  I hope you are well." Thank you Facebook. I kept it light, not asking for anything, but no response. Nothing.

So, my recommendation about contact is don't unless you absolutely feel you must.  It ripped open my wound that was healing and put me back to day one.  My focus shifted backwards and it's been a rough few days.  I had my first sleepless night Saturday and was up the entire night.  I've never done that before.  And my heart has been racing.  It's almost as if I made it worse for myself by contacting him.  I'm a believer in listening to your intuition, or gut instinct, so I recommend that as well. 

In my situation we have had no contact since the end of January and that was his doing, not mine.  It makes no sense to me either why it is so difficult to keep us in their lives.  It's the opposite of what I would do in the same situation.  The reaction I get from anyone who knows us both confirms my confusion.  They noticed how happy we were together and thought we were a great couple.  I can't tell you how many people have said that. It makes no sense and quite frankly, is very maddening.  So back to my journaling, house projects and horses.  I have to learn how to let him go for my own sake.

On a positive note, I've cut back on wine consumption and have begun an eating plan called "Whole30" and am down 5 lbs.  Sunday I made myself go outside and shovel so I could exhaust myself and hopefully sleep, which I did.  Last night I painted my dining room.  Lots of spring house projects.  Due to the weather I didn't get enough horse time, but will make up for it this weekend.

Be good to yourselves. Thank you for being here.

Cathy

 

[Raven12]

Jaded, I think texting is fine unless a lot of time passes without in person contact.  I did text Matt frequently after deciding to give him space. And he would always return one to me, even saying he was thinking about me as well.  But then it got very sporadic, and I even tried to call once and got a text two days later. 

I wouldn't say not to text, I guess you have to go with how he responds to it.  I don't think they have the opportunity to process their own grief or feelings about us if we make it too easy either.  I haven't messaged mine in two weeks and don't plan to.  He did like two of my posts on facebook a week ago.  Not sure how to interpret that LOL  Happy he did....yes.....my idea of making an effort to communicate......NO.   I'm not in high school anymore. 

Cathy I know what you mean about ripping open wounds.  That's what I'm afraid of by taking the initiative to ask him to dinner again.  Nope.  His turn.  I agree with you that we need to put ourselves into things that we enjoy and not spend time pondering why things happened the way they did. 

[kayc]

No I didn't prefer it but I've since learned that no contact is easier on us because it preserves our love, otherwise we can grow to be very upset with them as we continually face rejection.  He canceled his phone and I had no way to contact him.  He'd moved in with his mom and told me she wouldn't allow me to come over (even though I'd never met her), eventually he moved her home with him and brought her phone/number to his house, and I didn't have it.  I've heard from many others that when you break up it's best to have no contact until you can handle the changes in your relationship emotionally.

[Roger_Ramjet]

Ugh...Sorry ChinUp that you had a bad weekend.  I was ready to contact X's sister this weekend so I could hopefully find out once and for all if this is all about his grief or it was me.  Then he posted another Instagram photo with his face in his Dad's flag and captioned it that he was still struggling without him,   I took that as a sign to back off and not pursue contact with his sister.  And the urge to email him sometimes is sooo strong but I have to resist.  Because like one of you pointed out, it sets us up for more rejection and makes it worse for ourselves.  

[Raven12]

Over the past several days I've begun to think about things differently.  Perhaps Matt wasn't the right man for me after all.  He and I have a lot in common, but there were things that I wasn't okay with either.  I refuse to close off any future chances for true happiness. 

Perhaps we could all view this as time to look within ourselves for things we would like to change, or new experiences to explore.  New social circles. One of my favorite things to do is go on Meetup.com and search for activities or social events to attend (it's not a dating site). 

 Admittedly its too fresh and painful for you Jaded to be in that place yet, your circumstances could change for the better yet.  For the rest of us, there's a whole world out there to take part in.  I'm not saying dating necessarily, but being happy and content with things as they are.  They say that if you sit and stare at the closed doors too long, you don't see the ones that are opening. 

[kayc]

Roger_Ramjet,

It is important for us to respect their wishes and not contact them if they've asked us not to.  I don't think it means ever, at all, but we should go a few months or so, at least not more than a card saying thinking of you, but nothing that requires response from them or puts pressure on them.  Grief is really hard and we all do it differently.  But it's equally important to be honest with ourselves and not expect or hope for things to change because it's highly possible it won't.

Raven, if what you said is how you're feeling, moving on might be your best choice, knowing that someday perhaps you can be friends.

[ChinUp54]

Hello all.  Well I did it. I blocked my guy on FB and it was so hard. Roger-Ramjet thanks so much for your support on that decision.  Kayc's mentioning that no contact preserves our love spoke to me yesterday - and I believe she is right.  The last thing I want is to be resentful and angry. Compassion is in order but so is self-preservation.  I will not undo it and will move on.  I also appreciated what Raven said about staring at the closed door and not seeing the new ones open - that was what I was doing.  I truly do not want to be stuck waiting for something or someone, so I made the decision and blocked him rather than think about it for another week.

The interesting part is that last night I finally connected with a gal I've been wanting to interview for a project, and we were able to speak on the phone.  We made arrangements to meet up on Saturday and I was beyond ecstatic. The door opened!

Have a great day.

 

[Roger_Ramjet]

Kayc - He has never asked me not to contact him.  Yet after not receiving a response in the first couple months, I knew that was the implicit message.  In recent months,  I discovered that he had been logging into a shared gmail account that we had used to communicate to each other (mostly email from me to him).  His only purpose to log into that account would be to take a stroll down memory lane, I presume.  And that gave me a little hope initially.  However almost 2 months later and I decided that I would not allow that anymore.  I made my Instagram private so he could not have the opportunity to "see" me or what was going on in my life.  And I changed the password on the account.  I did send an email to that particular account to give him a heads up that I would be closing it (in case he wanted to keep any of the emails).  He did open and read that message but of course, did not reply.  I'm not sure if this was the right or wrong thing to do in this situation but like ChinUp, I don't want to be the one waiting anymore or give him the impression that I'm waiting.  Grief or no grief, he's had ample opportunity and I didn't want to put myself in that position anymore.  

[kayc]

Roger_Ramjet

I remember that, and I think you did the right thing.  By watching what each other are doing, it is hard to heal.  We owe it to ourselves to protect ourselves from prolonging the healing.

 

ChinUp,

I'm glad you will be able to do your interview, I can feel your excitement in your post!

You are right about preserving your feelings.  This way, if you do reconnect on down the road, you won't have those icky feelings to deal with.

[Raven12]

Chinup, I'm so happy for you regarding the interview!  And for blocking facebook.  I agree with you Kayc, it does make it harder to "watch" what the other is doing.  Matt's still on mine and so are his sisters, his one sister and I converse on there from time to time.  I never ask her how he is, I keep it light and simple.  It doesn't bother me to see him posting,  in a way it lets me know how he is doing. I still worry about him. 

I'm not so confident all the time, and often have to re-read my own advice or the advice of others to keep me strong.  So glad I've met so many wonderful and strong women on here to talk to!  Thank you to all of you!