Relationship Ended 2 Months After His Dad Died

[Roger_Ramjet]

Hi, 

My story is too long and convoluted to go into great detail.  The subject line tells most of it.   The man I was involved with suddenly and without explanation cut off all communication with me 2 months after his dad died.  Since finding this forum and reading others stories, I've come to realize that it had to be his grief.  I have not heard one word from him since October and it had been a really hard time for me.  I understand from reading other stories and responses from those of you that have been there that it's best not to contact them or have "relationship talk" if you do.  

Today I emailed him and I do not expect a response but for my own closure I felt like I needed to do it.  I feel a little more at peace now.  Here is what I wrote:

"You once asked me what I'd do if you died.  I replied that I knew what I wouldn't do.  I wouldn't go back to (ex-husband). By saying that, I wanted you to know that my choice to be with you and love you was not a choice of convenience or distraction or flavor of the month.  You had nothing to do with my decisions and actions I took. 

You really did die on October 7th and in doing so, it gave me a pretty good reality check into what you are experiencing with the loss of your sweet dad.  

Months and months walking around in a fog?  Yes.  Getting through the workday but no remembrance of what happened that day? Yes.  Not wanting to talk to the people who are closest to you about it because you don't want to break down?  Yes.  Disbelief that this could even be happening?  Thinking surely I'll wake up tomorrow to a phone call or some communication and this is all a temporary bad dream?  Yes and yes.  Having a list of things you need to do but not having the desire or energy to do it?  Yes.  Having the one you lost be the first thought when you wake up, the last thought before you sleep and every thought in between?  Yes.  Thinking of the would haves, could haves, should haves?  Yes.  Hoping that person knew you loved them with all your heart ?  Yes.  That achy feeling in your chest knowing you'll never see them or hear their voice again?  Yes.  The tears that come when you expect it and also when you least expect it, triggered by a memory, a smell, a song... Yes.  Having something happen in your day that makes you laugh that you'd normally share with him and realize you can't anymore?  Yes.  Feeling like no one understands the pain you feel each and everyday as you go about your normal routine because it's been 5-6 months and this shouldn't be an issue anymore (but it is)?  Yes.  As the days go by you being reminded of "this time last year we did or said this" and it hurts that much more to experience those dates in time without him?  Yes.

I get it ______.   I do understand more than you'll ever know.  So finally, I get it.  I'm so sorry for your loss.  And I'm sorry that I didn't fully understand the pressure you were under and your inability to do much more than get through your workday.  I know I demanded more from you and under the circumstances you just weren't able to give it.  

You know I felt bad for years and years for prom because I never wanted to hurt you.  For some reason I couldn't bring myself to even contact you all those years and ask for your forgiveness and friendship back.  I figured you hated me so I didn't even try.  And when you told me it was forgiven in 2010, it was a weight off my shoulders...
Well, I want you to know I think I understand and I don't want you to feel like I did about prom, ok?  I want you to have the happiness and love and laughter that you deserve.  I refuse to let anger and bitterness weigh me down.  I prefer to try to understand it from your viewpoint and let love, understanding and compassion guide me.  

Please take care of yourself.  And if you ever need an old friend to talk to, I am here.
 

The email was sent this morning so obviously it's too late for a "take-back" but I just would like anyone's thoughts...

Thank you...

 

 

[kayc]

That was beautiful!  You didn't put any kind of pressure on him, there was nothing but understanding.  I'd wait and see what happens (or doesn't), it may take a while for him to respond, if he does.  He may mull it over, may test to see if you mean it.  May not be able to respond at all.  But you have said what you needed to, and I think it's the most beautiful response I've ever seen under the circumstances.  Bless you!

[Roger_Ramjet]

Thank you KayC.  I cried as I wrote it and I cry when I reread it?.  I really do love and care about him that much.  I highly doubt I will get a response from him.  But it made me feel better to send it and to take the high road.

[ChinUp54]

Reading your letter made me tear up, so I re-read the letter I sent to my BF back in February. Yours is much better! But I believe sending these letters does something for us, even if we don't receive a response.  I too left the door open should he decide to contact me, although at this point I have no idea what my reaction would be upon receiving that call. One of the people I've been seeing to help me through this asked whether I'm growing from this, and the answer is a definite yes, and clearly all of us are.  I have realized my mistakes and will do better in the future.  I also know that I won't be able to go back to the type of relationship we had before - it will have to be better.  We can't beat ourselves up for feeling the way we are feeling, which is my tendency.  It's been almost 2 months since I last spoke with him, after talking daily for almost 3 years.  As I've said in other posts, I've learned more about grief over the last couple months than I've ever wanted to know, but that knowledge is helping me be gentle with myself.  Slowly but surely we all will get through this.  Take care of yourself Roger. I believe your letter was a perfect beginning of doing exactly that.  

[Roger_Ramjet]

Thank you ChinUp.  Although I sent him a DM through Instagram in February and another brief email, I really think this email brought me closer to the closure that he never gave me.  And I could be totally off base.  Maybe his grief has nothing to do with it.  I have a male friend who has told me very frankly on a number of occasions that he doesn't deserve my tears, that he probably hasn't given me a 2nd thought and has probably already slept with 2-3 women.  And for all I know, maybe he is right.  But I would rather give him the benefit of the doubt and believe that his grief played a huge role in him cutting off all communication with me without explanation.  I haven't heard from him since that day (October 7th).  We met when we were 14, sending each other letters through snail mail for 5 years. That culminated with long distance phone calls my senior year and me inviting him to come to my state as my prom date.  The prom date never happened as my friends were applying some fierce peer pressure wanting me to take a guy I had just began dating who was friends with all of their dates.  And not wanting X to be treated badly by them and a fear of the unknown of what might transpire between me and him, I called and cancelled on him.  That ended our friendship until he reconnected with me 22 years later in 2010.  And we jumped right back into an easy (albeit long distance) friendship for 4 years, messaging 3-4 times a week.  That all changed at the end of 2014 when he came to see me while I was visiting CA for my daughter's tournament.  It was platonic but I really enjoyed his company.  The silence between us sitting on the sidelines was comfortable in a way I've never experienced before with anyone.   We crossed that proverbial friend line a few months later (in feelings only, not physically) and talked/messaged nearly everyday for 9 months.  We had plans to go to San Francisco together for my birthday in early Oct. (never happened because of Dad's death in early August) and then CA again for Thanksgiving (never happened because he disappeared in Oct).   I know exactly how you feel going from that communication and connection everyday to nothing.  It is devastating.  I might add that I began the divorce process with my husband in April (completely unrelated) so it was a very very tough year for me.  Divorce, moving twice, buying a house on my own, missing my kids and pets...and then of course, this.  

I am trying to be strong and there are good days and there are days I have setbacks.  Today I had to complete my self-evaluation at work and to look back at the calendar for 2015 was rough because I had to relive all the events of those months over and over.  I pray everyday that he contacts me...even just to be in my life as a friend only.  I would gladly take it.  He is that important to me.  I thank you for taking the time to listen and be empathetic.  I wish I had found this forum back in October because perhaps the realization that this happens quite frequently would have eased my pain somewhat sooner.  I spent a lot of time analyzing the situation over and over, rereading all of our communication, texting him without a response, emailing him, and even sending him snail mail to try and reach him.  Had I known now what I think was going on, I would have reacted differently.  My craziness in those first 2 months probably drove him away for good.  I hope he at least reads this email to realize that I understand and I've accepted it (well, somewhat).  Maybe he will not feel that pressure from me 1500 miles away.  The odds don't seem like they are in our favor for a return to status quo so I guess learning to live with it is all we can do.  

[kayc]

You ARE a strong person, an admirable person, and I truly believe things are going to turn out terrific for you.  One thing I've learned in life is sometimes people are in our lives for a time, a purpose, but life is ever changing and sometimes the people in our lives change as well.  I had my soulmate and I no longer look for that void to be filled, I am at peace with my life as it is, even though it's not how I would have planned or preferred it to go.  If you truly want someone to share your life with, I believe you will, whether it be this person...or someone else.  You are doing the right things and your focus is good, I believe good things will follow.  Not all of life will be hard.

[Roger_Ramjet]

Thank you KayC for the words of affirmation and vote of confidence.  It means a lot to me!  Hugs!