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It's all about perspective


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Bear with me.......just some thoughts........

I'm in my 50's, successful, happy with myself, and have dated....a lot. Enough to know when to let go, and when to trust that things will work out in the best way for everyone involved in a relationship with someone.  I've never had a relationship end that shouldn't for some reason or another.

Matt, my boyfriend and I dated a year before his son's death, he was 22 and died in a car accident in December.  We were very happy before that, and had a secure, trusting relationship.

I made the choice to give my boyfriend Matt space, not he. Most of what I read here in the posts are of people that say they were let go by someone in a grief situation. 

I could see the signs, the gradual distance, cancelled plans, decreased contact.  So, without any judgement, I told him he needed space to take care of himself and his family.  He was falling apart, and just going through the motions of "living".  It was not good for him or for me.  He wasn't exactly happy with my suggestion, but agreed.  Since then the contact has been minimal, he hasn't called since mid February, only texts. 

Yes, I miss him terribly, and I cry at night sometimes.  But not really for me anymore.    For my boyfriend, who no longer knows how to laugh and enjoy life.  He's going through the motions.  For his son,  the loss of an amazing, intelligent young man that had so much going for him.   I keep my texts limited to every 2 to 3 weeks, and I answer if he reaches out, which he has on occaision. I love him with all of my heart but also have respect for myself, I keep busy, and don't sit by the phone waiting.  He's on my facebook but I am careful not to post my every move on there, and limit my time on it.  If he wants to know what I am doing, he can call me. 

People are more likely to return to a relationship with someone that is confident and secure, carrying on with life, as opposed to someone that cannot live without them.  I'm just saying, that if something ends, whether by our choice or theirs, it just isn't worth being in despair, or putting our lives on hold . Or emailing them, calling them,reminding them how wonderful we were, or trying to find closure.  There may not be any, and it sets you up for no reply, which causes more pain.  Know in  your heart that you're worth every second of their time, and some real time apart sometimes is the spark that it takes to remind them.  Or not.   

And if that's the case, trust me, we are  all worth enough to be with someone better. 

Hugs to all.....Raven

 

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I 1,000% agree with you!  My fiance's mother hadn't died yet when he broke off with me, I didn't see it coming, I was blindsided.  Had he not broken off with me first, I probably would have initiated giving him space, but I didn't get a chance to get that far.  Since I have been through grief many times in my life, I wasn't expecting this type of response...in my grief I reached out to those I was close to, not withdrew from them, I certainly wouldn't have broken off what was left that was good.  I know a lot more now, I realize everyone doesn't respond the same, I understand the other perspective better.  It's all been a learning experience.

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Good morning everyone,

Trust me, it's not easy for me either.  I was more compatible with him in 2 months of dating than I ever was with anyone.  I wasn't planning a wedding in my head, but being with him sure felt right.  I miss him.  And I get the strong feeling that he also misses me, but grief does change things.  I don't know what will happen with him, but I do know that we all need to be a source of strength for eachother.  No matter what their circumstances are, we have to feel good enough about ourselves to know we did everything we could do to support them.

Hugs, Raven 

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KayC,

Years ago after my Grandma died, the man that I dated with aspergers gave me a lecture in front of our friends.  I was crying over her death, and he told me to "Stop it."  He said that I was pushing it too far and he didn't know what the big deal was, and it was her time.  I was floored.  I also have never pushed people away after a death, I like to talk and hear other peoples perspectives.  Being a hospice nurse I see many things with people, I don't however deal with post death/ grieving concerns, that goes to our social work staff. 

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I know Raven.  I want to do everything I can to support him but there's nothing I can do from 1500 miles away with no contact from him.  He has chosen to go through this on his own without me.  We had another circumstance late in June that was a precursor to all of this.  His mother had a heart issue and she had to have a stent put in.  He went AWOL for a few days and when I finally did hear from him he said "this is all me...nothing to do with you...I don't do well when things are bad...I don't want to burden you with it...etc".  When I told him it wasn't a burden and to please not shut me out he replied "I won't .... I've been solo for so many years.  I'm used to handling things on my own but I'll get there".   

So I just hope my vibes somehow reach him and he knows I still care...it's all I can do at this point.

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It's kind of the same with Matt and I.  Hes in construction and goes out of town a lot.  So it's nothing for us to be separated for 2 months at a time.  It's hard but we have to give them their space if they want and need it but still live our lives.  Giving less has always sparked more with Matt.  :wacko: 

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Raven~

Thank you for posting this.  I broke things off in October because I could see the writing on the wall and I was absolutely miserable after doing so. We talked a few days later and he asked me to keep talking with him and to please be patient.  I actually thought things were getting better when he stopped calling and didn't return my last call.  There has been no response to a letter I sent or the 2 messages through FB prior to that, which was early February.  I have  been tempted to contact him as I am worried he's in a bad place emotionally, but so far I have not.  I made a promise that I would not humiliate myself and deep down I know there is nothing I can do for him.  He has to do this his way and on his own.  While this is one of the hardest things I've ever gone through in an emotional sense, I know I need to focus on healing me and do my own grieving of the relationship.  I'm typically an outgoing, strong and confident person, but haven't felt that way in quite awhile.  And to open the door for rejection by contacting him will not help me get my confidence back. I too keep myself busy and have some projects in the works that are exciting.  I still miss him terribly but must take it one day at a time.  I like the giving less idea.  The person we need to give to is ourselves. XOX

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Thank you for your reply Chin-up, may I ask what your circumstances were, what happened to cause the separation?

I agree with not wanting to open ourselves for rejection.  A coworker told me again today to contact Matt. I did call him a couple of weeks ago and left a nice message saying I was concerned and missed talking to him.  Two days later I get a text and he says "he is doing somewhat better and work is awful.". I took that as opportunity to converse and he said "he would talk to me soon".  It is no wonder we don't want to intiate anything.  ?  

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Hi Raven.  My BF lost his mother in January 2015, and most recently, approximately 10 days after the anniversary of her passing (and just after our third anniversary), stopped contact with me.  We had been together for 2 years at the time she passed, and he started withdrawing in June 2015.  I could feel the difference even though we continued to speak twice daily.  He simply checked out. His feelings for me were changing and at one point he said he didn't want to be in a relationship with anyone, but maybe we could try again in the future.  Our relationship was long distance and he kept telling me he wanted to come visit me, and said no every time I suggested I visit him.  I'm still adjusting to being without him and feel I've lost my best friend.  Although, in my gut I know he's doing what he needs to do to deal with this and I believe eventually he will contact me. Wishful thinking, I know, but he clearly needs his space at the moment.

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I went through this in August 2010 and like you guys, went through a time of no contact, then sporadic contact, but now we talk about every other day...as friends.  It is something they need to work out and it really isn't about us.  It hurts so long as we let it hurt us, I reached a point where I decided I wasn't crying over him any more.  When he waffled about his feelings, I let him deal with it, I remained strong.  I wasn't going to let his waffling set me back.

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Yeah KayC......I keep having to remind myself that it isn't about me, but I get my days where I start to go over the chain of events.  Today was one of those down days, and I got tearful on the way home from work.  I last got a text from him Friday, and there was no indication of getting together.  I've learned to keep my answers simple and short.  Sorry for what you went through ChinUp, we all need to keep cheerleading eachother to not backslide and let our emotions get the best of us. 

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I worked on a project near and dear to my heart today and actually felt ecstatic and happy for part of the afternoon.  When one door closes another one opens.  I will probably cry on the drive to the barn, but will forget everything once I see my horse.  Hopefully its not too windy to ride tonight. :)  One day at a time and focus on joy - that's my mantra.  I love your image and agree wholeheartedly with the message. I'm keeping it light today, so I posted a photo of our rescue horse drinking water from Saturday. He is so silly and I absolutely adore him.  Thank you Raven and Kayc for your posts today. Enjoy your evening. 

Tonto tongue.jpg

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The horse is adorable!  My Arlie (dog) was my tonic, he knows just when I need uplifted.

IMG_2614.jpg

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Arlie running.jpg

IMG_9635.JPG

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My morning started off wonderful.  I've been making my facebook time very limited, every other day or so, and keeping busy.  I had a message indication and some other notifications, and I love how facebook now sends you a email to let you know that "my friends miss you"  ha ha ha....

I went on this morning and checked my messages and it was from Matt.  He is down in New Orleans and was at a club last night, one of the performers sang his son's favorite song for him.  He sent me a video clip of it.  I cried the whole way through it and replied back thanking him for sending it to me and that it brought me to tears. 

I was so happy he thought of me, and so happy to be part of something so special to him.  What a wonderful way to start my day! One step at a time......

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That is great, Raven!  Those are the kinds of things that bridge the gap...

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Kayc thank you for the photos of your dog! Such a happy pup!

Raven, that is great news! My heart is so happy for you! Very sweet and touching gesture by Matt. 

Ramjet I hope you are doing well! 

I am snowed in today so I am still in my pjs making a caramel cake to take to work tomorrow. Last night I went to see my horse and we had a beautiful ride on a lovely, warm evening. So glad I went!

20160323_072118.jpg

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ChinUp...so gorgeous!!!  We didn't get much snow in my part of the states this winter and my grass is already growing to the point that I'm going to have to go buy a lawnmower very soon (ugh!).  It's going on 6 months without hearing from him at all.  Not one word.  In a way, I am getting used to it but I'm not sure I will ever fully get over it.  In my lifetime there have been a very select few I have connected with in this way and I'm not counting on the fact that there will ever be anyone else.  I mean, there could be, but I'm not really counting on it.  So that itself is a pretty devastating thought to think about...being by myself.  I suppose it is a better choice than being in a marriage with someone who is verbally abusive, etc.  At least now I have peace.  

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