It's all about perspective

[ChinUp54]

Roger~

Getting comfortable being alone is one of the best things we can do for ourselves. When my BF and I got together in late 2012 I was the happiest I had been ever been and it showed. And when we're comfortable in our own skin it attracts people to us. My goal is to get back to being that person as realistically I hadn't been happy for quite some time prior to his leaving. I have to live with myself every day and I much prefer the happy, independent, full of life version of me than the lonely, miserable version. Through this loss I am on my way to finding myself again. Relationships force us to learn and grow. While I don't want to be with anyone else, I need him to want to be with me just as much. So please do what makes you happy! Mowing the lawn may turn out to be something very zen-like for you!

[kayc]

ChinUp, that is beautiful!  What state are you in?  It's supposed to snow here Monday, don't know if it will stick.  I'd stay in my pjs too if I didn't have to walk Arlie.   I'm glad you got your ride in while the getting was good.

RR, you are so right, much better to be alone and at peace than in a bad relationship!

[ChinUp54]

Kayc the photo or my post to Ramjet?    I am kidding of course.  I live in Colorado and it is closed today due to thd bad weather!!

[Roger_Ramjet]

ChinUp,

Thank you.  I was in a pretty unhappy marriage for 20 years feeling "alone" for much of that time.  I much prefer what I have now because at least the aloneness is peaceful, without the drama and stress of someone who is verbally abusive that you can never be "enough" for.  I guess what I struggle with was that I had a taste of happiness for 9 months with him and then had it stripped away suddenly and without a lot of warning and no explanations.  And he was a very good friend to me for the past 5 years after we reconnected.  I spent a lot of time communicating with him and he was truthfully the only bright spot I had going on (even platonically) besides my kids.  I miss his friendship so much.  

And I have no problems with the lawn-mowing itself...I'd just rather not have to fork over $300 for a lawnmower right now .  I survived a very tough year full of changes and events that would have flattened many people so I'm grateful to still be hanging tough.  And maybe at some point I'll actually be up to going out on a date (although my phone isn't exactly ringing off the hook right now)...

[kayc]

I should have figured Colorado, well it's quite beautiful, snow and all!

RR, I hear you.  I can so relate!

And about the lawnmower, I lost both my riding one and push one last year so am w/o one too right now, can't even think of forking out for another at this time, will have to hire it done for a while.  I'd really like to have one of those old fashioned ones that has neither motor or gas, and thus, nothing to go wrong with it, it'd force exercise on me at least!

[Roger_Ramjet]

Kayc, 

I'm contemplating asking my elderly neighbors if they have a lawnmower that I might use in return for me mowing their grass as well...

My divorce has left me on a very tight budget and I owed Uncle Sam this year which I wasn't expecting.  As my dear friend reminds me..."first world problems"...LOL.

[Raven12]

Hello all, 

Thank you for the nice comments today about my contact with Matt.  We've conversed a couple of times today by facebook messages.  He did say that he's been crying a lot down there, he and his son had a contract down there that they used to work on together.  I am grateful he is reaching out to me. 

Beautiful snow photo ChinUp, I love that! 

I'm so used to living alone and doing my own yardwork, household stuff.  I am lazy though I hire a landscape company to do the grass, I work long hours sometimes and it's hard to keep up with it.  This is my 16th year living on my own, I've been very cautious with letting anyone move in with me after bad experiences when my kids were younger.  I'm not against living together with someone though and will know when the time is right. 

[kayc]

RR, I went through that (owing taxes) following my divorce too because I'd had held out all year as Married but had to file as single (divorce was final in January but I couldn't file with him, didn't have a way to even reach him), so it cost me another $1,200.00,  The good thing is, once it's over, it's finally done!

Raven, I understand your leeriness at living with someone, I would be too!  If you do look for a roommate, good luck with it!

[Roger_Ramjet]

Kayc, 

Yes, that filing single did me in as I had to split the mortgage interest with him...but next year should be much better. 

I wish I had found this site sooner as the stories and comments have really helped me.  However, I still find myself being stuck and I'm not sure I can ever get over this.  No one knows how much I am hurting and how much I still carry this around with me every single day.  I left a 20-year relationship yet didn't shed one tear over that and I know that sounds harsh and cold.  But when you have been beat down verbally for years and years, you put up walls to protect yourself emotionally and you disassociate and remove yourself out of the reach of letting it hurt you at a deep level.  

I've been so guarded for so many years but I let all those walls down with my "friend".  It was freeing and I hadn't felt that much happiness in the entire time I was married.  So here I am mourning a relationship that didn't exist to most everyone around me except my close family and friends that I confided in.  

I know I need to stay busy and live my life and forget about him.  Knowing what I need to do and actually doing that are two different things.  How do I move past this?

[kayc]

I've had three divorces (6 years, 23 years, 2 years), 1 widowed, and 2 broken engagements.  I know what it is to try and try and get nowhere, I've had my heart broken too many times.  The only one that truly loved me, as I loved him, selflessly and completely, was George...the one that died, as luck would have it.  It seems to me I'm destined to be alone, I don't have it in me to go through it all again.  I count myself fortunate to have had George in my life, even though it was way too brief (we knew each other 6 1/2 years, were married for 3 years 8 months).  We were soulmates in every sense of the word and he is the one I go on remembering and missing for the rest of my life.

The first and last husband I wish I'd never met, it was so toxic.  My kids' dad I still consider "family" and care about him, but he never did love me and it wasn't good to be in.  My first broken engagement broke my heart, as did the last one, but I realize now that it was perhaps for the best as I wouldn't want to be with a weak man that considered his mama but not me.  I esteem a man that values his mom, but feel his fiance/wife should be valued as well.

The relationship you are mourning was valuable to you, and that is what matters, not what the rest of the world saw or thought.  And whose to say, it may come back to you.  Mine did in the form of a friendship and I value and treasure that very much.  Like I've said before, I consider mine to be a success story, even though Jim and I did not get married, we are good friends and I learned a great deal through this process and care about him very much.

I know people look down on me for having had so many relationships, I've been laughed at, scorned, and excluded.  It doesn't matter.  I have learned from each of them, and the one thing people can conclude from all of it is (besides I didn't know how to pick them) I tried my best in all of them.  My son told me after my last one ended, "I have never seen anyone try so hard."  And for that I cannot be ashamed.

[Roger_Ramjet]

Kayc, 

You have been through so much and yet you continue to give back.  I see your name on almost every thread on this site.  It seems like you have taken your pain and experiences and turned it into something positive by helping so many other people who are complete strangers through their darkest moments.  You must be an angel sent from God...I truly mean that and I am not at all religious...

My kids know nothing about this "relationship" although my daughter did meet him when we met up platonically and liked him very much.  Of course there is a hope that this relationship comes back to me but in my heart of hearts, I don't think it will.  Yet, I cannot bring myself to delete the apps on my phone that hold our history of conversations.  I cannot delete the pictures.  I'm in this terrible limbo of holding on to those memories because although they are painful to read and look at (and I don't go there often anymore), they are also somewhat comforting.  I can't just "rip the band-aid off"...

[kayc]

There is no need to permanently delete your conversations, they are a part of your history together and something you can still treasure.  If ever the time comes to remove them, you will know.  

There is no way my kids could understand all of my relationships...they totally understood my relationship with George for they loved him too...we got together when they were teenagers and instead of responding like most teens would, they loved him...and he them.  They only wanted my happiness, and I'm sure that's how yours feel too.