Two months after mom's death, broke up with boyfriend

[willow87]

If anyone would have asked me in 2015 where I would be today I would have never imagined that I would lose my mom and my six year relationship with my boyfriend in the first three months of 2016. To say I am sad, depressed and feeling alone is an understatement.  My life seems to be falling apart in front of me and I am struggling to stay afloat. What makes it even more painful is that the one person I would call for advice or even a hug is not here to hold me and tell me everything will be okay.  I miss her so much right now, I don't know what to do. 

[kayc]

I know, I'm sorry...it feels like too much, doesn't it.  If you want to talk about it, I'm here...

[willow87]

Kayc, thank you so much for your kind words. It is truly appreciated. I just hope that there is an incredibly bright light at the end of the tunnel. 

[kayc]

It's been 1 1/2 years since my mom died and most of the time I'm okay but there are those times it hits, like her birthday, Mother's Day, holidays, or just sometimes I want to call her or go see her.  I think those are the rest-of-my-life times.

[MartyT]

They are indeed, dear Kay. Tomorrow is my mother's birthday. She died in 1993. That was 23 years ago, and I still think of her and miss her every single day. I created a Pinterest board as a way of gathering and displaying things that remind me of her: Remembering Mother   ♥

[kayc]

That is very nice, Marty.  My dad passed in 1982, and I still think of him, 34 years since.

[willow87]

MartyT- your board is beautiful!

[Jaded11]

I haven't lost a parent but my boyfriend lost his dad.  Two weeks later, he broke up with me.  I'm not sure if even posting this in here is appropriate.  I can't imagine the pain he is in and I wish I could be there for him throughout this difficult time.  I am always letting him know I am here for him whenever he needs me. We are still living together but only for another month. Then he will be moving 3 hours away.  Is there any advice or insight that can enlighten me during this heavy time?

I am so sorry for all of your losses. I can't even begin to imagine but I can see how devastating this is for my now ex. He explained to me that he feels empty, broken and numb and has nothing left to give.  I have read that you should not make any life changing or tough decisions until 6-12 months later, but of course this is not something I can say to him.

Thanks for reading ♡

[kayc]

Most put this story in "Loss of Love", where the same thing has happened repeatedly to wonderful people who just happened to get caught in the backlash of death & grief.  I am so sorry that you too found yourself in this situation...been there!  And you're right, one of the hardest parts of going through this is not being able to be there for them and worrying about them.

Advice?  Don't talk relationship talk.  No pressure, no stress.  They can't handle it.  They're in a really fragile time.  They are likely to spend time with friends and not us, which is hard for us to understand, but their friends don't have expectations and are more likely to be lighthearted, which is easier for them to deal with right now.  You can leave the door open for him should he change his mind, but honestly, I wouldn't even tell him that as he can construe even that as pressure.  It's going to be very hard to live with him knowing he's on his way out the door ( or easing you out).  My heart goes out to you.  I hope you will continue to come and post as you feel the need.  Your friends will probably try to get you to move on, but honestly, it helps to take time to focus on yourself and not date, you probably won't even feel like it since none of this was your desire anyway.  Try to keep busy, work out, see friends and family, take a class, it helps to have those distractions right now.  Take good care of yourself, eat healthy, regular exercise, avoid drinking, which is a depressant, and try to sleep regularly, see the doctor if you can't.  Meditation helps.  Spending time with pets helps too.

You're right, he's probably not going to listen to advice from you right now, I hope he's seeing a grief counselor that's trained to help someone through grief.

[kayc]

My ex felt guilty for the time he'd spent with me in the year leading up to his mom's death, even though he'd had no clue she would die.  I guess he felt by choosing her over me it'd alleviate that?  I don't know.  I think he perhaps wanted to spare me too because he knew he wouldn't be back to normal anytime soon...probably never.  Grief changes people.  It at no time had to do with him not loving me.  That's the really hard part to understand.  It wasn't personal, it wasn't me, it was him...it was what he was going through.  I know that's so hard to understand...but true.

[kayc]

And if it's any consolation, we're friends today.  We had several months no contact first, he had to find his own way and he was kind of a mess at first.  I just tried to be there for him and listen.  And I had to protect my heart from not being yanked around because he was confused and didn't know what he wanted when we first resumed contact.  We're very good friends today.

[Clematis]

I think when you have two losses close together, it really compounds things. My aunt died two months after my father, and it made everything worse. She was my mother's sister and always so kind and loving to us. At some point in grieving my dad, I had a revelation one day that my sweet aunt was still alive even though my parents were both gone and I suddenly felt a burst of relief. But then, all of a sudden, my aunt was gone as well. Multiple losses are really tough...

[Jaded11]

Kayc, thank you for your reply. You have wonderful insight and I greatly appreciate it. I have talked to my friends about this but none of them really gets how this feels so I am so fortunate to have great people like you to turn to.

No relationship talk at all. I messed up one night and it's because it all of a sudden hit me that he was going to be gone out of my life and I feel so bad for making him feel bad for what he is putting me through because he made it clear that these problems are not something he can handle right now. Since then, I haven't said another peep about relationship anything. Good idea too on not mentioning keeping the door open. It makes total sense that's why he can hang out with everyone but me right now. Because they don't have expectations of him and there are no heavy emotions with them.

You have helped me a great deal to come to peace with parts of my pain.  As difficult as it is to live with him where he is choosing to not be at home with me until it's time to sleep and where he is sleeping not with me by his choice, I have learned to not get too far into my own head feeling bad for myself in these moments. It took me nearly a week to get here and I still wake up feeling that emotional pain every morning remembering why he isn't beside me. I said to my friend that I would give anything to wake up annoyed at night by the sound of him grinding his teeth lol!  I am also glad that he is here for another month. I feel like it is easing me into becoming accustomed to the idea of him not being with me anymore. And it gives me more time to be there for him and give him as much support as he needs from me.

Thank you, I really appreciate your support and care. You seem like a wonderful person. I will try to keep busy and try to distract myself. Those are all great ideas. And I have been considering getting a cat! Hhmm meditation.. thats something I will have to look up on how to do. I'm afraid if I close my eyes in silence, he will be my only thoughts and the terrible memories of his father's passing.  Thankfully he saw his councellor today and he just texted me letting me know he went to his brothers house after the appt because he feels sad and weird after the appointment. It does ache inside because all I want to do is run over there and be there with him. 

[kayc]

Alone,

Yes, multiple losses are really tough.  I am so sorry for your losses and all you are going through with regards to them.  I hope you'll keep reading and posting, there are some great helps and articles on this website.

[Jaded11]

Your ex choosing to spend time with her over you because of guilt makes total sense. His mind has obviously not been working in the way it used to and his decision making and thought process reflects that. It's unfortunate that people do change from grief. I guess people are in a different state of mind and make decisions they wouldn't have made before.  It is certainly hard to accept that they choose to leave not because they dont love us, but because they can't love us.  Thats a tragic loss in itself.

 

Im so glad you two are such good friends today! Really, that's a wonderful outcome! It really speaks volumes of your relationship together and how much he values you!  My ex and I have been friends for 15 years and at this point, neither one of us wants that to change. I really hope that if he and I don't reconnect romantically, that at least we can be close friends.  I treasure him far too much to ever consider never speaking to him again.

 

I firmly believe in if it's meant to be, it will be.  Regardless of the outcome.

 

I am so sorry that you have also felt this pain. It really is so incredibly unfortunate.  I would love to continue to reach out here. It helps when there are people who really understand what you are going through.

[Jaded11]

Alone and lost,

My heart goes out to you.  I am glad that you are reaching out to others.  There are people who care about you and what you are going through.

[kayc]

Jaded,

That's how I felt too, I loved and valued him as a person and still do.  He has an incredible sense of humor and I feel I can talk to him about anything, and we truly care about each other.  I haven't dated since him and it's been nearly six years!  Part of it is that I no longer trust, if a relationship can go south like that through no fault of either of you, I don't want more of the same, plus I've gotten used to the idea of living my life out alone.  I had a wonderful caring husband that died nearly 11 years ago and have enough wonderful memories with him to sustain me the rest of my life, so...

[Jaded11]

I feel the exact same way  love and value him as a person and I believe he feels that for me too. He and I have believed we are each other's soul mate for many many years... longer than we have been dating. I really believe we are. The connection we have always had is like no other. Your ex sounds like a great guy!  It sounds like you have a very real relarionship with him, regardless of your relationship status. Thats how me and my ex are. We are who we are and we are what we are regardless of our status. We live in the moment with one another and take things as they come. We are very real with each other. No mind games work for us. I love that about our connection, how real it is.

Its really nice that you are still such good friends after 6 years!  Your love is real regardless of the situation and thats a beautiful thing to have.

I dont blame you for having no interest in trusting in a relationship after all of this.  I feel weary as well. All my friends are married and starting families and here I am, failed relationship one after the other.  It does make it hard to trust in getting into something real again. I can envision me going on dates in time, but I'm terrified of the thought of becoming intimate with another person, especially when I know my soulmate is out there, somewhere, not able to share his life with me. It's a scary thought.

You are fortunate to have had and have the loves that you do. Memories last a lifetime and it's great that you keep them so close to your heart. 

Edited April 19, 2016 by Jaded11

[kayc]

I am in my 60s so it's different for me.  If I were young and wanting to start a family I might have made more effort, but I'm okay being alone.  Sometimes it gets lonely and of course I miss having the relationship I had with my husband, but as far as I'm concerned, it hasn't ever been like that with anyone else and I've accepted that.

[Jaded11]

I understand that. It takes a very stromg, confident and comfortable person to be at peace with living life alone. A lot of people can't do that.  You are blessed to have had the experiences you have.  A lot of people don't ever find their great love.

My dream is to be married and have a family and when I compare myself to my friends (something we should never do, I know), I feel like I might never have that. It's a silly thought but it is there.

[kayc]

I think if you want that, it will happen for you.  I had a friend that was 37, never been married, had always wanted a husband and children, she had Endometriosis and didn't think she could have kids.  At 39 she married and got pregnant, and you got it, she had two healthy children, a boy and a girl.  She'd thought it wasn't in the cards for her, but it happened.