Lost my best Friend/Love/Soul mate - Somewhat Complicated

[WolfsKat]

On 8/22/2016 at 5:33 PM, Finch said:

Is it normal for someone who says he is a penpal that never met her, to ask where her grave is so he can visit it if he ever visits the US? Is it normal to ask how her dogs are or the new house is?

Dear Finch

Actually, having thought this over, my feeling is...no, none of these questions would be all that unusual for a close "friend" (as it is believed this is what you are at this point in time) to ask these things.....especially the location of the gravesite...all one would need to say is that, if ever coming there, they would wish to pay their respects.  But, after perhaps getting answers to these inquiries, I would thank her father, and let it be enough.  Perhaps you can find a way to honor and cherish her memory in such a way as to give you some wee bit of peace in the future.  I realize that you still struggle with the guilt over never having taken that giant leap of faith to be with her, physically......it has to be so very difficult for you!  There is a saying here, in the States....."Coulda-woulda-shoulda"......none of these 3 are worth beating yourself up over.  I know, I know......it is bloody damn hard, but you must try to forgive yourself.....as, if the situation were reversed, you would certainly have forgiven your beloved Crystal!  Hugs to you....wishing you well 

[kayc]

I agree.  I don't think it'd be good to try to pursue a relationship with her father or children, had she wanted them to know more, she would have told them herself, and I can't think of any good can come from it for them, but it could give them pain.  Perhaps ask the location of the grave and leave it at that.  Have you searched obituaries and funeral notices to try to find out the location of the gravesite?  It's possible you could find out the cemetery without asking family members.

[Margm]

I think there is "Find a Grave" but really all he would have to do is google her name and I imagine he could find this information.  That way her family will not suffer any more than what they already have, and we all know how bad that must be for them.  

[Finch]

Thanks all. I am realising that I can't have much of a correspondence with the father. I really just want to find out a couple of things and then I'll probably leave it there. Believe me, I truly, truly do not want to cause them distress. I have been struggling with this for 8 months, weighing up how to approach things in a way that gives me what I need but doesn't bring unfair hurt to them. Unrealistically seeing this as some sort of magic pill that was going to make things somehow easier. But it hasn't in the way I hoped.

 

I have sent 2 messages so far and have played it very safe, not really hinting at anything other than a penpal friendship.

 

I've tried Googling her name to find the grave, so far with no success. All I found so far was a Cancer leaflet from Georgia which had an 'In Memory Of' section dedicated to her and a bunch of names. That was hard to look at. Seeing people that knew her pay tribute to her when I cannot is so hard.

 

One fear I have is that she might be buried at the new house. If that's the case, then I will never be able to visit her.

 

 

[MartyT]

Finch, my dear, you can visit her any time you like. Her earthly remains are not the same as the essence of HER. Your beloved's spirit is available to you at any time, just as your memories of her are available, too. You know better than anyone how to love this woman in her absence. You've been doing it since you met her. Remember that, and keep doing what you already know how to do. 

I hope you won't place too much importance on finding her grave, because ~ if you never find it ~ you're only setting yourself up for a fall.

[Finch]

I understand what you are saying Marty. Her spirit is always there with me. 

 

I know that she would not care about me going to the grave. She would be proud of me for flying to America for sure though. 

To a degree though I feel like finding her grave is something I must do, it is a very powerful driving force I feel within me as something I owe to her and myself. I feel so frustrated and sometimes quite angry that I have to hide my love for her from people. We never met when she was alive... The guilt and regret I have about that is still unspeakably strong. Actually physically going to her grave would feel like a way of chipping away at that guilt I think. But then I become angry at myself that it takes her death for me to finally go over there. 

 

I sometimes wonder if this is my punishment. That now I have to live with the consequence of never meeting her. That I deserve to live in this purgatory of invisibility.

I also know this line of thinking does a huge disservice to 12 years of love, joy, support and friendship. We needed each other. I have plenty of evidence of how much I meant to her, and most importantly I know it in my heart. So I should try not to let the negative things feel bigger than everything that was good about us. 

 

I want to thank everyone for their comments and practical advice, even if it is hard for me to accept some of it, it means a lot to me and I respect it greatly that you would take the time to comment even while dealing with your own losses.

[KATPILOT]

I never liked the word closure. It's a word that has little meaning to me for some openings are so large they can never be closed. Finch in your case it almost feels right though to use that word. To find her grave may bring some form of comfort but as Marty was suggesting, it may make things worse if you never find it.  I did something myself which may be a thought for you. After my wife died, I went on a search to find out more of the person she was. I traveled to a town where she spent several years and told me many stories of her life there. While I was there I went to see things I had only known in my mind but now could see. I felt her presence somehow. I felt I was touching a part of her. 

Should you travel one day to where she was, where she went, what she touched, it might have more meaning than finding her grave for you know the truth is that she doesn't reside in that grave. Her spirit is all around you. I keep my wife's ashes in my bedroom on her dresser. I keep them because it was just one more part of who she was just like some objects that I cherish and hold dear. I feel her spirit elsewhere, not in some container of ashes. I get more connection from touching her life rather than her death.

[MartyT]

1 hour ago, KATPILOT said:

I get more connection from touching her life rather than her death.

I love that, Stephen. Thank you  ♥

[kayc]

I don't think any of their deaths are our punishment...that infers we did something wrong in our relationship or the love we shared, and I don't believe that's true, I loved my George more than life itself!

[Widowedbysuicide]

Finch, I just want to tell you that whatever you decide about the contact or finding the grave site I still want to stay connected to you.

Like grief is the same but very individual for each of us so is the relationship we each have had with our 'loved one'.  I have not walked in your shoes and do can not imagine fully how you are feeling.  I'm truly sorry and like so, so many here I do not judge what is right for you.

Marita

 

[Widowedbysuicide]

26 minutes ago, kayc said:

I don't think any of their deaths are our punishment...that infers we did something wrong in our relationship or the love we shared, and I don't believe that's true, I loved my George more than life itself!

Yes!  

[Gwenivere]

I'd banish he word punishment.  Just like betrayal, doubt and guilt.  These are the emotions that can get a strangle hold on us and drag us to deeper depths that do nothing but add to the misery which in itself is hard enough.

[Finch]

 

 

On 8/24/2016 at 11:57 PM, WolfsKat said:

Perhaps you can find a way to honor and cherish her memory in such a way as to give you some wee bit of peace in the future.  I realize that you still struggle with the guilt over never having taken that giant leap of faith to be with her, physically......it has to be so very difficult for you!  There is a saying here, in the States....."Coulda-woulda-shoulda"......none of these 3 are worth beating yourself up over.  I know, I know......it is bloody damn hard, but you must try to forgive yourself.....as, if the situation were reversed, you would certainly have forgiven your beloved Crystal!  

Thanks WolfsKat. I know Crystal would call me silly for dwelling on the might have beens. I just wish I could her hear say it, just once. it would make things so much easier. It's funny how something like that could make everything so much better. 

On 8/26/2016 at 7:54 PM, kayc said:

I don't think any of their deaths are our punishment...that infers we did something wrong in our relationship or the love we shared, and I don't believe that's true, I loved my George more than life itself!

Kay, I didn't mean that the death itself was a punishment, I would never think something like that. For me or anyone. 

Rather I meant that the consequences I deal with now in grieving her feel like... Well, they ARE a situation somewhat of my own creation. Not meeting her in life. Not becoming a real life couple... And now I will forever remain the secret that I was. That is my punishment for not giving her everything she wanted from me. There were times in our relationship where she was ready to drop everything to be with me and this would have brought everything out in the open. 

But why does that matter? I still would have lost her. Why do I keep obsessing about her life there? I just get so frustrated and angry. At myself, mainly. It's not her poor family's fault that I am in this situation. It just feels so unfair and WRONG that I have to grieve in the shadows like this. Like I am banging on a one way mirror. But I can't argue with reality. I was not married to her. Someone else was. They are not my family or friends or children. The connection to her life was completely severed when she died. It's tough to not be able to cling on a bit to the things that were important in her life. Even something as minor as knowing how her dogs are. I used to know how her dogs were every single day!

 

On 8/26/2016 at 11:27 PM, Gwenivere said:

I'd banish he word punishment.  Just like betrayal, doubt and guilt.  These are the emotions that can get a strangle hold on us and drag us to deeper depths that do nothing but add to the misery which in itself is hard enough.

I am trying. I still have alot of guilt and regret... it's very powerful. I have been trying to work through it slowly. I don't want it to define my relationship with Crystal though. That would do a great disservice to what we had. I should not let it. I hate dwelling on these obsessions or these negative thoughts. They are 1% compared to 99% of joy, happiness and good memories we shared. But they are there nagging at me, and it feels like I have to find some way to answer them.

I think talking it through is one way to chip away at it, either with friends and family, to my counsellor or on here.

It is harder because we likely would have met one day. We had often talked about it, joked about it. It may even have happened this year. But then she died so suddenly. A stolen future. 

On 8/26/2016 at 7:56 PM, Widowedbysuicide said:

Finch, I just want to tell you that whatever you decide about the contact or finding the grave site I still want to stay connected to you.

Like grief is the same but very individual for each of us so is the relationship we each have had with our 'loved one'.  I have not walked in your shoes and do can not imagine fully how you are feeling.  I'm truly sorry and like so, so many here I do not judge what is right for you.

Marita

 

Thanks Marita, that's so nice of you to say.

I contacted the local paper of her home town this week and they got back to me with her obituary from January. I read through it and broke down. It was lengthy and it talked about her and all the people that loved her and what she meant to them, one by one. One of the things that hit me hardest was that there was so much about her, the Crystal I knew, that deserves to be shouted from the rooftops but was not mentioned. And why would it be? They did not know the Crystal I knew. She was something else to them. It's like our relationship happened in another dimension, another life. Which I guess, in a way, it did. Maybe that's why it was so special to both of us.

It feels a bit like I am living in the 'Upside Down', from Stranger Things, if any of you have seen that show. An analogy for grief in general perhaps.

It was also, 8 months on, the first time I had been able to see an official notification of her death. 8 months on. Seeing it there in black and white, was quite bracing. Like, before, her death had happened somewhere in the ether. Not quite 100% real. But there it was. Undeniable proof. And only from acquiring the information like some kind of mediocre and slightly incompetent private detective. 

 

[Finch]

On 8/26/2016 at 0:03 PM, KATPILOT said:

I get more connection from touching her life rather than her death.

This is nice.

[WolfsKat]

11 hours ago, Finch said:

But then she died so suddenly. A stolen future

Dear Finch......I think this is exactly what all of us here feel.....our future, our entire way of imagining a future, has been stolen from us, and shattered.....we are left to pick up the shards of our broken lives and try to find a way to make a "new" future.  One that many of us do NOT want, a life without our soulmate....but yet.....here we are, desperately trying to find our way through the firestorm of grief.....dealing daily with the wrenching knowledge that our lives will never be the same.  But, I believe....from the very fact that we are "here"....in this forum, that we WANT to find a way to cope, and accept.....and perhaps even cobble up a future that we can feel fairly content in....if not as happy as the one we'd have had with our mates.  We are the walking wounded.....the wounds will never fully heal, for many......but hopefully, they will scab over a tad, and we can learn not to pick at them, in time.....such a hard road for us!

[kayc]

You were a real live couple...you just happened to be physically apart.  My husband and my relationship started by writing, we clicked, we connected, deeper than I've ever connected with anyone.  My XH didn't think it was real or would last...he was so very wrong.  Our love was evident to all who witnessed it, and that solid core base was through our inner connection.  

[Finch]

Thanks.

No one witnessed our love

No one ever will.

I know that shouldn't matter. We knew between us what it meant. It just hurts because I think our love deserved to be known. 

I keep thinking about a favourite T-shirt of mine I sent her last Christmas. She wore it at night. It gave her alot of comfort.

I wonder what happened to it

 

[Finch]

I miss her so much.

My world is so dark without her.

[kayc]

16 hours ago, Finch said:

I keep thinking about a favourite T-shirt of mine I sent her last Christmas. She wore it at night. It gave her alot of comfort.

I wonder what happened to it

I never looked at it like this before, but as horrendous as it is to go through their things, I think it must be all the harder to NOT be able to.  My heart goes out to you.

[Widowedbysuicide]

Thinking of you Finch.

[Finch]

On 9/20/2016 at 4:08 PM, kayc said:

I never looked at it like this before, but as horrendous as it is to go through their things, I think it must be all the harder to NOT be able to.  My heart goes out to you.

Yes, it's difficult.

So many things that have meaning between us. Letters, gifts, clothes. Hannukah stuff. Ticket stubs.Things I made her. A scrap book. A sock puppet! Really personal stuff from 12 years of friendship. I just have this image of her husband throwing them all away or burning them. Or not knowing the significance of something seemingly valueless and throwing it away. Or maybe he put them all in a box and they are in an attic or basement. 

She never even got to open some of the stuff I sent her last Christmas. Did someone else open them? I'll never know.

But even the things that didn't particular have to do with us. Just... her stuff. Because it's her. I can only imagine what it must be like to sit down and go through everything like you and others reading this will have done. I guess it takes time before you are ready?

 

At least I have all the things she sent me. Things she touched. Letters she wrote. A ring she made on a college trip to Italy. A yearbook photo from high school. I won't start listing things or I'll be here forever. The fact we never physically met meant these tangible things that we sent each other had so, so much meaning.

She once sent me cookies that she baked for me. All the way from Georgia to the UK. She was so paranoid they'd be stale by the time they got here. She concealed them in some heavy duty tupperware. They were delicious. Even if they were the stalest cookies ever, I probably would have still found them delicious. It was amazing to eat something she made for me with her own hands.

 

 

[kayc]

Oh Finch, that's a wonderful memory!  (cookies)  It must have felt very special to you when you got them.  

Yes, some of their things we deal with, some we don't, some we let sit for years.  I have pictures & cards packed away, too hard to deal with.  I thought I'd lost his Indian Affairs file, I couldn't imagine what I'd done with them, I was heartsick...I just found them yesterday.  (he was Native American).

[Gin]

Kay,

photography was my hobby, so I took tons of pics during our 16 years.  I have a few pics out, but I just was not able to look at all the albums (20-25).  Last week I finally started.  I managed to look at 3 albums.  Next is our wedding.  I am making a giant list of all the things we did together.  Sad, but I forgot so much already.  I do not want to forget any more.  

[Finch]

I have a dilemma.

I got in contact with one of Crystal's friends. The same one I had exchanged a few messages with at the time of Crystal's death and that had given Crystal a message from me the night before she died.

Anyway, she sent me back a really nice, long reply, giving me a full update on Crystal's kids, the new house, the dogs, and I finally found out that she was cremated. And that her ashes were used to plant a tree at the new house. 

So, I now know there is no grave as such that I can visit.

I broke down after reading all of it, a mixture of relief and sadness, because I finally knew alot of things I was desperate to know. I had a checklist. The dogs, the kids, the new house, the grave. All those questions answered. 

But.

There is one thing I didn't ask that I wish I did, something that has been a great source of guilt. The message I gave that she told Crystal. I want to ask the friend if she can remember whether Crystal in any way acknowledged the message. From what the she said at the time, she had just a few minutes with her before the family wanted time with her, and Crystal was barely lucid and hardly recognising people, though she did look at her 'intently' at one point. I feel like I need to ask whether there was any response from Crystal at all when she gave her the message. I want Crystal to have known that I was asking after her. I hate thinking that she might have wondered where I was. I'll never know her thoughts, but maybe I can get an idea of if she heard my message. I can't bare the idea that she may have wanted me there in her final moments. I wanted to be there.

I am not sure whether to ask this though. The friend has been really helpful in giving me a very lengthy update, much much more than I expected, and I don't want to upset her by reminding her of the last time she saw Crystal, in case it is a source of pain for her as she herself has struggled with the loss. Maybe she doesn't like to think about it. 

But she is the only person I can ask. She gave her the message. And if I don't ask, it will continue to haunt me. And it's really haunting me.

I know there can only be two possible answers. 1) She didn't respond at all or 2) she responded with a look. But even to know if 2) happened would mean so much.

It just seems that whatever I find out, whatever new information I uncover, it's never enough. I need to know more. I have this desire to know everything I possibly can. 

 

 

[WolfsKat]

14 hours ago, Finch said:

It just seems that whatever I find out, whatever new information I uncover, it's never enough. I need to know more. I have this desire to know everything I possibly can.

Dear Finch.....given your situation, I think that nothing, ever, will be "enough" for you.......no replacement for actually having shared a physical life with Crystal.  It might become an obsession that will prevent you from continuing to live your life as best you can.  I imagine that with her gone, and all of your dreams and hopes for a life with her shattered.....that you are frantic to gather all of the "pieces" of her that you can, hungry for every detail, knowing that there will be no more chances at fresh memories of her.  I believe that, of course, Crystal does indeed, know of your message to her, and so much more you'd have wished to convey.......she "knows" all of this, now....and I cannot help but feel that she'd not wish for you to torment yourself over such things.....she knew you were with her in your heart and mind, and she felt your love for her, always, even at the end of her physical life here.  No answer you could get from her friend who relayed your message would ease your feelings, totally......if there had been a significant response, she would've said as much?  No such response to your message would not be negating her love for you....she may have been unable at that time, too close to the end.....but rest assured, she surely felt your emotions, and carried your love with her on her final journey on this earth. I hope that you can find that enough...and not torment yourself over not being there!