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My Margaret - I will not say goodbye!


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I read through some posts here - about triggers and grief-bursts - music specifically - when I listen to music the past 26 months, I discover that I listen with a different ear than before - certain songs have a much deeper meaning to me than previously - and those songs come alive - when it's THAT type of song, I immediately download it and make a short video, using it as background to images of My Margaret - like this one - I'm not sure where I heard it, it could even be here. Here is my little video, if I may share:

Regards from South Africa

Andrè

 

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Andre, what I watched was so beautiful.  I am one of those people that cannot face music.  I found a poem this week and it destroyed me.  They are everywhere and I am sure your Margaret loved you very much.  I don't know if I will live long enough that the hurt does not feel the alcohol poured into the open wound, and really, right now at five months, I do not look forward to living that long.  But I will stay, because Billy told me I had to.  

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Cookie: thank you - I cannot see that it will change - they will be with us, forever - and I will walk this path, for My Margaret and me - at least she was spared THIS journey - I will do it for us both. Say goodbye? - not possible - many times I heard people saying (not to me though) in certain situations "at least they had time to say goodbye" - well, we had 4 months since My Margaret's diagnoses and we just couldn't even THINK of "saying goodbye" - because THIS was not happening - now 26 months on, I still cannot say goodbye, I will not say goodbye and echo every word of that song - as well as the words in "Gone too Soon" - as I said, certain songs takes on a whole different meaning now - and become alive. Thanks again Cookie - take care and stay strong.

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Marg M - thank you - I read a lot of your posts and can associate with all that you pen down - I don't listen to music or read poems that often but when I do, I listen or read with MyMargaret in mind - sometimes it helps me on this journey we're on and other times it brings tears and the longing for her, is killing me. I have so many questions, that cannot be answered - why her?, why not me?, why did she have to suffer the way she did? - after all, she was a nurse (registered - operating room) who for forty four years, helping patients who's in pain - she? - a legend in her working environment - why her? - why? why?  The most painful tears aren't the ones from the eyes, but the ones coming from the heart - it takes over your whole body and soul. We were together since ages 10 and 9 - how can I say goodbye? - it just is not possible!! You not "looking forward to live that long" ? - I know the feeling - I from time to time feel exactly the same - and then I have this extreme feeling of guilt - because I promised My Margaret, that I will go on with living our dream, for us both - a promise I have not fulfilled yet! Thanks again Marg - take care!

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Andre.......I was not going to "click" on your music video........but was compelled to.  I am glad I did......it was "perfect"......said what I feel, eloquently.  Yes, I have tears.......but, cathartic ones. Thank you.  I wish you peace, and forever wonderful memories of your Beloved.

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Your video is beautiful and precious, Andrè ~ and such a loving tribute to your lady. Thank you for sharing it with all of us. I understand completely your not wanting to say goodbye to your Margaret, and I am reminded of the piece by our friend Darcie Sims, who wrote, "I gave up saying goodbye long ago when I realized that 'I love you' lasts far longer and feels so much better. Goodbye? I'm not through saying, 'Hello,' and 'I love you!'"  (From Goodbye to Goodbye by Darcie Sims) 

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Ed.jpg

Andre,

Although I do not generally post (I actually have only written once before to thank everyone for the help I have received just from reading all the posts), I have to stop and take time to tell you how incredible your music videos are. This last one brought me to tears immediately. What a wonderful way to celebrate a very special person and relationship. You truly were blessed. I have few photos of my husband. He loved to take pictures of architecture, gardens  and cityscapes, but we did not take many photos of each other. What I do have to remember and to celebrate him are the many creations he produced over the years and added to our home, the last one being the stained glass window he designed for my bathroom. I attached a photo of it to the one email I did send the list. I also have  a few recordings of his singing and playing music and some beautiful pen and ink drawings. We were both blessed to have very special loves and will miss them for the rest of our lives. Attached is the photo that my husband Ed sent to the Pancreatic cancer website where he posted an essay on his illness in the hope that he could help others. He fought the disease very bravely for a full four years. He had a really wonderful sense of humor and worked hard to try to help others get through very difficult situations. Thank you for sharing. I will never say goodbye either and I have faith that one day Ed and I will be together again.

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Andrè's music videos are wonderful...so wonderful I shared the first one on my FB.  It was very well done and a beautiful tribute to his Margaret.  Good to see you again, Andrè!

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Thank you for sharing your videos with us, Andrè. I like the music you chose. Your Margaret looks beautiful and seems like she loved the outdoors ~ beautiful scenery. I am so sorry that she had to be "gone too soon." 

Anne

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Andre,

Thank you for the beautiful tribute to your Margaret. What places you both shared and the many wonderful memories you must have!

There are no goodbyes to those we love.

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Andre' how absolutely exquisite. Thank you for sharing those wonderful pictures to a perfect song.

On ‎4‎/‎8‎/‎2016 at 0:03 PM, Cookie said:

Andre:  This is so beautiful.  I can say I feel the same about my husband, John...gone too soon and I can't seem to let him go.

The thing is Cookie, we don't have to let them go to live on.

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I'm still so hurt and sad about him being gone that I guess I feel like I'm desperately trying to hold onto something even though I can't have it back.  Although I'm living on, I'm quite compromised by sadness and it doesn't feel like living used to....meaning feeling comfortable and content.  I guess that's what I mean, how to live on and feel ok and I'm equating that with letting go in a sense.  Don't know if I'm making any sense.....

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Cookie, it makes perfect sense to me.  I've been trying to understand my feelings today (today marks 9 months) and you said exactly what I've been feeling.  However, I'm not ready to let go yet and I will never let him go, but hoping we both can be more content with it some day.

Joyce

 

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It's okay to let go of our grief from time to time. In fact we have to if we wish to remain sane. To put it in Steveglish I feel that distractions are one way, my favorite. Another way is sleep when we can get it and a third way is to live in their honor. This by far is the hardest thing to do. What I am speaking of is enjoying life with them in mind and not coming unglued but with a smile in your heart. Picture this if you will. I will go out to dinner alone, have a glass of wine that she would have chosen and while it touches my lips, think how she loved that and perhaps still can enjoy it through my senses. It doesn't have to be truly happening, it just has to maybe be possible. To do that with what I see, touch, and smell helps me enjoy it rather than hate it. If it sounds really flakey to some I don't really care. For me it brings some joy while letting go of grief. Even just for a short while. Like I say, it's the hardest thing to do but it comes with little steps. It was that way for me. When you smell a flower (her favorite flower) or you watch an air show (his favorite thing), or you taste their favorite food or curl up with their favorite pillow, you can almost feel them in what you are doing.  This is what it means to me, letting go of grief. Doesn't always happen, doesn't last too long, but it frees you up for a time and those are the times when a smile will find your face and no one around you will know why you have it. But they will.

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2 hours ago, KATPILOT said:

It's okay to let go of our grief from time to time. In fact we have to if we wish to remain sane. To put it in Steveglish I feel that distractions are one way, my favorite. Another way is sleep when we can get it and a third way is to live in their honor. This by far is the hardest thing to do. What I am speaking of is enjoying life with them in mind and not coming unglued but with a smile in your heart. Picture this if you will. I will go out to dinner alone, have a glass of wine that she would have chosen and while it touches my lips, think how she loved that and perhaps still can enjoy it through my senses. It doesn't have to be truly happening, it just has to maybe be possible. To do that with what I see, touch, and smell helps me enjoy it rather than hate it. If it sounds really flakey to some I don't really care. For me it brings some joy while letting go of grief. Even just for a short while. Like I say, it's the hardest thing to do but it comes with little steps. It was that way for me. When you smell a flower (her favorite flower) or you watch an air show (his favorite thing), or you taste their favorite food or curl up with their favorite pillow, you can almost feel them in what you are doing.  This is what it means to me, letting go of grief. Doesn't always happen, doesn't last too long, but it frees you up for a time and those are the times when a smile will find your face and no one around you will know why you have it. But they will.

Katpilot:  I get what you're saying.  I can relate to it and will try to take that approach more often.  You put it very nicely......

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4 hours ago, KATPILOT said:

Another way is sleep when we can get it and a third way is to live in their honor. This by far is the hardest thing to do. 

This is why I started a WWDD (What Would Deedo Do) with my kids.  We began on her birthday but have used it a few times since.  In June when we go to Disneyland on the trip Deedo wanted us all to take we will do another one.  After all that is where it was born.  For those who don't know or don't remember: Back in happier times Deedo and I went to the Magic Kingdom without the kids.  While there we went to a time share presentation and the hook was $100 in Disney dollars for each of us.  When we left Deedo was commenting on how many times we had gone to Disneyland on a wing and a prayer, doing things like buying one soda and sitting on the curb sharing that soda back and forth with the kids. We decided that we really didn't need the Disney Dollars so we spent an entire day searching for four families that reminded us of our family back in our poorer days.  To each family we gave $50 for them to do with what they pleased in the park.  I don't remember seeing Deedo so excited as she was that day as we raced from land to land looking for the perfect families to share those Disney Dollars with.   Living in Deedo's honor, behaving like she would behave, dealing with people with her compassion, these are my greatest challenges but they also offer the most satisfying rewards.  I was so lucky to have her in my life.  What a beautiful spirit!!

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You've got it Brad!

2 hours ago, Brad said:

  I was so lucky to have her in my life.  What a beautiful spirit!!

And yes you were................ and yes she is

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Thanks to ALL for the very kind words - much appreciated!!! Enna - yes, My Margaret surely loved the outdoors - we've done 62 long backpack hikes of 5 days + in our beautiful country - and could never get enough - that is where we found peace and true tranquility - we've experienced so much together - so many stories to tell - not a day went by in the 22 years we hiked, that we didn't reminisce over our experiences and memories - 90% of hikes we've done, was just the two of us - bliss!!! To a large extent, these memories now carries me - I will cherish them forever. Thanks again to all - take care and be safe!!

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