Hope in this new life

[mittam99]

After a little over 13 months without Tammy by my side, I'm sort of "getting used to" this new life on my own. Not liking it, or relishing it in any way, just functioning and sadly, accepting it. This is a life without the love I shared with Tammy and without real purpose. My only goal right now is to get through each day the best I can.

When Tammy was alive our life wasn't easy at all. We had many financial hardships and Tammy's health problems often led to life or death emergencies.  It was a major struggle at times. But, we had each other. And because of that, at the end of the day we thought everything would be okay. We could have the worst of days and then a hug or a smile would take us to a better, happier place. It was the little things that made us happy. With Tammy's health deteriorating just getting out and eating lunch at a local sub shop was a wonderful moment. Giving Tammy a massage on her aching joints or making her a tasty meal would make her so happy. Seeing her smile made me so happy. Our life wasn't about trips around the world or big bank accounts; it was about being with that person that makes your heart beat a little faster.

Tammy and I were made for each other. She was the girl I waited my whole life for and I always did my best to be her knight in shining armor. When she died unexpectedly on March 6th 2015, the world I loved was gone. My happiness was gone. My main reason for getting up in the morning was gone. That unconditional love I felt was gone. The world was suddenly a place I didn't recognize. It was dark and cold and the people left in it didn't seem to care about me. My perfect wife and my happy life were now in the past, in the blink of an eye, In those early days of grief, I couldn't fathom living like this for even a few days longer. I bought books on grief, saw a counselor, joined Marty's grief community, and reached out to anyone who would listen to me on the phone. I needed anything that might give some relief from this relentless pain and misery.

I honestly didn't know how I was going to make it. I cried in agony constantly. Why was Tammy's life so hard? Why wasn't she blessed with the gift of good health? What did I do wrong? How can I possibly survive without my Tammy? Thoughts of the events of March the 6th played in my head over and over. I was utterly and completely devastated and overwhelmed. I came to Marty's forum to vent my pain and members here offered support and encouragement. They said it would take time but the pain will lessen. I read their words and I appreciated the kindness but my mind couldn't imagine a future of any happiness. It seemed hopeless.

Fast forward to today. These thirteen months have been so hard, so painful and so hellish at times. Life without Tammy is awful, it sucks. But gradually, I started to realize that I needed to live a life. Live it in such a way that honors the life I had with Tammy and keeps her essence alive inside of me. I've had a number of things happen that have given me hope that Tammy is with me in some way. That has given me a measure of comfort.

To all of you that are in deep grief and agony...

I can't say when, I can't say where or how, but, please realize that your life of pain will lessen. I know you can't see that now. I understand that.

I've been in that dark place where all I wanted was to end the pain. I saw no hope for a future with even the smallest amount of happiness. But, I've begun to see there still is light in this world.

Embrace your smallest victories and applaud your tiniest baby steps. Be gentle with yourself. And remember, your beloved will always reside in your heart.

Wishing you all the best,

Mitch

 

[MartyT]

Thank you, Mitch, for continuing to share your journey with all of us.

[mittam99]

Marty, I know there are many members here that aren't yet ready to hear a message of hope. Their personal journey won't yet allow it. And I totally understand and can relate to that. Hopefully, my post will resonate with those looking for that glimmer of comfort and peace in their new life ahead.

[KATPILOT]

The hardest thing in grieving is to have the courage to travel on without that girl who was supposed to share it with you. I get that Mitch. I know because I feel the same. The journey we embark on now is so different from what we expected or wanted but we go on anyhow. Kathy always said "Life is an adventure. Let's go!"  Now you, and I, and everyone else here are on a new adventure. It's not one without sorrow and even scary as hell sometimes. For myself, I feared making the wrong decision because I didn't have that second voice, the voice of reason which I often lack.  You have shown in your words that you have the courage to go there my friend.

You are also correct that some may not see this as remotely possible. Yet!  It shouldn't stop you from sharing for that helps us all see some future that isn't as dark as the present. I went back to my grief support group at the two year mark just so people could see that I was still standing while they were at their lowest. I did it yet again a year further along and though I didn't speak much, I simply said that there will be times when you will still cry as I do yet, but there will be more times you will smile and yes, find yourself still alive.

So for what it's worth, your words even give me some comfort and peace and you know I'm further down the road than you.  And just one cool thought........... as we travel, they are traveling right with us.

[iPraiseHim]

Thanks Mitch.  As you know my wife died, just seventeen days before your wife.  As we travel this road together it has been a challenging road.  You write well what I think about.  I know there is more in life that I am called to do otherwise I would not be here.

I was blessed to learn about the Sovereignty of God many years ago but when my whole world with Rose Anne disintegrated it caused a deep heart/head concussion that lasted for a long time.  Initially, I thought I was going insane because NOTHING made sense. 

At some point, I started to read some of the original posts of members who have been here longer than I and discovered that each of us who are drawn here have gone through their own deep level of sorrow and grief. The caring and love shown on this forum helped and guided me forward.  

My heart aches for the new arrivals to our forum because they will need to search and discover their path through grief.  It is such a devasting and rude awakening to grief when we have lost someone we so deeply and profoundly love.  I hope I can be of some help to others when I am able.  Yes, I am learning to live with grief and love for my beloved Rose Anne.  Shalom - George 

[Margm]

It is a long, hard path, but you all do help.  My friends tell me that it will get easier.  Sometimes I can just say "no, no, no"" over and over and sometimes I can change the direction.  It seems he was just here with me yesterday and now I cannot find him.  This morning was the first that I have been back in this king sized bed that I woke up and realized I was sad.  I jumped up fast and did not wallow in it.  I kissed the top of the wooden urn and just kept on going.  Too much to do.  Clearing out a life/house is hard work.  Thanks to all you guys.  Thanks to all you girls too.

[mittam99]

30 minutes ago, Marg M said:

My friends tell me that it will get easier.

Yes, the pain does ease a bit, but it's always there in some form. What happens is that over time, we learn to adapt. We figure out what we can and can't do and what works for us and what doesn't. It's a learning process and it's a slow one. Grief work is a full time job.

[Margm]

Mitch, maybe they mean life will get easier.  One, her husband has been gone 18 years.  Another 8-9 years.  But then again, my grandma said at 18 years the pain was as bad as the first day.  I will pray for peace.

 

[mittam99]

This may be a terrible analogy but you know how sometimes you're just in a rut? It's the same old same old, day in, day out. And then you give something different a try. All of the sudden you feel better about things and rejuvenated.

Well, in this grief journey I think we all sometimes get in a rut. It's understandable, but it may not always be good for our emotional state or our progress. Taking that small step of changing something or trying something different may just set a positive spark in motion.

Right now I'm working on a bunch of mini-projects around the house. It gives me something to do to keep my mind in a good place. Doing house work is minor, but my "to-do" list keeps me moving forward. And, after each project is completed, I get the feeling Tammy is smiling.

[iPraiseHim]

True!  I have gradually been working on changes as well. I installed an alarm system since the house is empty when I'm away.  Started exercising, eating healthier.  I have stopped eating the quick high-processed, chemically laden foods and begun to eat healthier.  I am walking and exercising more, drinking clean filtered water, and making sure I get adequate sleep each night.  I have gone to the doctor to reset my low thyroid and adrenal fatigue.  I am noticing gradual improvements each day.  It is true that what we eat affects our body, health, and mind.  Initially, I just needed to be willing to change.  For me, a gradual change to a healthier lifestyle is easier to adapt than abrupt changes with so many rigid rules.  I am working to incorporate more fresh raw organic vegetables to improve energy and lessen the bodily pains of maturing.  

Grief is not something I can get over like a cold or flu.  I am learning gradually how to live with the loss of my wife and still move forward each day. I will still have meltdowns and grief triggers but I hope to also remember the almost 26 years of a wonder life with my best friend and soulmate. One day at a time; one moment at a time.  Shalom - George    

[mittam99]

George, excellent post. I'm glad you're taking care of yourself. That's so important for our emotional well being. Early on in grief we pretty much don't care if we live or die. But we need to accept that we are still living even though we aren't sure why. Life truly is a blessing.

I like how you mentioned that grief isn't something you get over like the flu. So true. It takes time, patience with yourself and a whole lot of effort.

No matter what, our lives will never be the same without our soulmate. But taking it one day at a time, we still might have a life worth living.

[Guest]

8 hours ago, mittam99 said:

Well, in this grief journey I think we all sometimes get in a rut. It's understandable, but it may not always be good for our emotional state or our progress. Taking that small step of changing something or trying something different may just set a positive spark in motion.

Right now I'm working on a bunch of mini-projects around the house. It gives me something to do to keep my mind in a good place. Doing house work is minor, but my "to-do" list keeps me moving forward. And, after each project is completed, I get the feeling Tammy is smiling.

I also believe in trying new things and slowly I am learning what works for me.  Deedo always had a "Honey-Do" list and I still have it, the problem right now is finding the focus and energy to start tackling items on the list.  They need planning and although I start each day with the best of intentions I find myself procrastinating until late afternoon and then the tasks get moved to mañana.  But I always find time to hike, there is where I find my best solace.

[mittam99]

That's what we need to do, Brad. Find some solace in this world. For you, it's hiking. For me, right now, it's home repair. Maybe down the road it will be hiking for me and home repairs for you. 

We need to try be ever evolving and adapting because this is new frontier for all of us. 

[Guest]

Lately the travel bug has hit me.  Deedo wanted us to take an insurance policy and do a Disneyland trip with the kids and grandkids.  That's coming up in June.  

Then my daughter wanted to hike Havasupai in the Grand Canyon so in October we will be making that trip. Havasupai is a trigger safe trip since Deedo was a pretty severe acrophobiac (strange phobia for an ex-stewardess) and she could never have handled climbing up and down the cliffs to get to the waterfalls.  

A year from now, if I can swing it, I want to take the kids and spouses/partners to the Riviera Maya in Mexico.  Deedo and I went there a lot and always maintained we would never take the kids because it would cramp our style having to be responsible around them but now it's just me I want to go back but with someone I know and the kids are going to love it; need to get some scuba training to renew my certificate.  

And now I've pretty much decided that as soon as I can afford it I'd like to travel Europe for a summer-fall.  Deedo lived in Germany for eight years before we met but I have never been there and have always wanted to spend time roaming around.  This trip obviously won't be until summer of '18 at the earliest so I have time to try to learn some basic French and German; I studied both in college but forty years of non-use makes me a beginner again.  Hopefully by then I won't be as uncomfortable dining by myself; I can do it I just don't like it.

Before Deedo I travelled a lot by myself and then she and I loved exploring new places, new foods, new (actually very old but new to us) cultures.  

[mittam99]

Brad, it's great to see you able to think of your future and a future that has some positives.

Your Deedo and my Tammy would be proud of the direction our journeys are taking. Both our wives were our soul mates. Our whole lives, really. When they became ill we didn't hesitate for one fleeting moment to become their primary caregiver. We cherished every moment of our lives together with them. Now we're facing this new life we didn't choose and we could have easily given up. Could have just given in to our darkest, most grief laden thoughts. But we didn't.

That's not to say our days are easy. Triggers are still everywhere. But we are our trying our best to live our life in a way that let's our beloved spouses inspire us, forever. And, as Maryann said one of her posts, we're "still standing".

[brat#2]

I'm still at the I don't care mode of this journey.  I don't want to try anything new yet, I do the things I have to do, but getting the energy and courage to try something new is just not in me yet.  However, in reading all the posts above, it is giving me encouragement that some day I will be ready to move forward.  I miss Dale terribly and always will, but I also know that he wouldn't want me to stay where I am in this journey.  I have been able to find a little joy and I'm not crying every hour of every day now, so I guess that is movement forward.

Thank you to all of you for helping me and giving me hope.

Joyce

 

[mittam99]

Joyce, we all go at whatever pace we can in this journey, it's not a race. Reading your post tells me you are taking those baby steps and that is good. It wasn't long ago that I couldn't even imagine "sprucing up" the house like I'm now doing. I was thrilled when I just made it through another day of pretty much doing nothing; well, nothing but crying.

At first all you can try to do is cope. Then you try and function. Gradually (so gradually you may not even notice) you take those tiny baby steps. Eventually, the hope is you will be in a better place emotionally.

Maybe it's our deep love that holds us back at times. Moving forward may feel like we're "moving on" from the love we had shared. Or that we are somehow forgetting about our lost soulmate. Nothing is further from the truth. We will never forget. For me, it's actually the memory of who Tammy was as a person that inspires me in my "new" life. 

[brat#2]

Thank you Mitch.  I do feel sometimes like I'm "moving on" without him and that scares me and makes me even more sad.  I'm hoping that I can get to that point where my memory of Dale will inspire me to make this new life the best I can.

Joyce

 

[mittam99]

Anytime, Joyce. We're here not just for ourselves but to help others if we can. All of us need as much support and understanding as we can get. If others can relate to our own journeys and/or give them hope, well, that's a very good thing.

[Gwenivere]

1 hour ago, mittam99 said:

Maybe it's our deep love that holds us back at times. Moving forward may feel like we're "moving on" from the love we had shared. Or that we are somehow forgetting about our lost soulmate. Nothing is further from the truth. We will never forget. For me, it's actually the memory of who Tammy was as a person that inspires me in my "new" life. 

Mitch, I am always amazed when I read about what you get done and your attitude.  I feel like I was in your place last year and now have fallen into some abyss that sucks any ambition out of me.  I get the day to day things done because I have to.  I was knocking off tasks like crazy last year.  I have a list fir the year and it just overwhelms me to look at it.  And they're pretty simple things!  I always felt better when I did get something crossed off the list, so I wonder where that went?  

Im in a phase that he is always on my mind but in ways that make me so sad he is not here.  Sounds like what we all feel, but it is deeper this time and lasting for a couple months now.  I know hat is what scares me because I am not getting those respites like I did.  Because of that, my body suffers as well.  So it adds to it.  Anyway, it's good to read you are finding ways thru this with some light.  

[mittam99]

Gwen, I wish I had the power to ease your suffering. And you are suffering, I can feel it. I think we've all noticed how deep your pain has gotten over the past month or so. I know I reached out to you privately and if you ever feel you're ready, you know how to contact me. We're family here.

Grief it seems has no schedule or timetable. It's so unpredictable. If grief was an airline, no one would fly it because they'd never get to their destination on time!

[kayc]

4 hours ago, mittam99 said:

Joyce, we all go at whatever pace we can in this journey, it's not a race. Reading your post tells me you are taking those baby steps and that is good. It wasn't long ago that I couldn't even imagine "sprucing up" the house like I'm now doing. I was thrilled when I just made it through another day of pretty much doing nothing; well, nothing but crying.

At first all you can try to do is cope. Then you try and function. Gradually (so gradually you may not even notice) you take those tiny baby steps. Eventually, the hope is you will be in a better place emotionally.

Maybe it's our deep love that holds us back at times. Moving forward may feel like we're "moving on" from the love we had shared. Or that we are somehow forgetting about our lost soulmate. Nothing is further from the truth. We will never forget. For me, it's actually the memory of who Tammy was as a person that inspires me in my "new" life. 

This is so right on!  

And Gwen, maybe you should start a list with something crossed off, like a prime.  If it's too overwhelming, leave it for tomorrow.

[Froggie4635]

Dear Mitch,

What a truly beautiful, heartfelt, honest post.  Like you, I can feel a little of me finding her way back to the forefront of my life.  I have done what I can to survive so far, but as the days go by, I feel a little stronger.  I still don't let myself think about my future, a future that no longer includes Mark.  But I think more of him smiling at how I am doing, instead of concerned that I am stuck.  I am no where near ready to think of letting go.  He was my anchor in so many ways; we leaned on each other.  It is hard not to have his strength.  But he always had faith in me, and I am going to continue to honor him by looking forward and no longer looking back.  I hold tight to the love we had.  There are no words I can use to describe how very much I miss his presence in my life.  We were together all the time, other than when we had to go to our jobs.  When I think too much about him being gone, the tears come.  But I know I am doing better.  I am grateful to you for always sharing your journey; the good days and the hard, hard days.  It is still HARD to be without the love of our lives.  I can honestly say it is going to take me a long time to adapt to that.  But I know I am not alone.  Thanks for sharing.

[Cookie]

On April 9, 2016 at 8:42 AM, Brad said:

I also believe in trying new things and slowly I am learning what works for me.  Deedo always had a "Honey-Do" list and I still have it, the problem right now is finding the focus and energy to start tackling items on the list.  They need planning and although I start each day with the best of intentions I find myself procrastinating until late afternoon and then the tasks get moved to mañana.  But I always find time to hike, there is where I find my best solace.

Hiking also brings me some peace.  I have such a hard time in the house.  John built our house and died here, so that may be why.  Don't know if I'll ever feel comfortable here again.  I want to change some things--like different furniture, painting a different color, but find myself thinking about it, looking at everything and then just feeling immobilized.  I thought of trying to get a friend or family member to help me start...don't know.  I haven't even done anything with his clothes yet.....

[kayc]

Janice

I hope you do enlist someone's help.  It'd be much nicer WITH the company and go twice as fast!  I think it'd help you feel more comfortable there.  But I relate to the hiking, I love being outdoors in nature!