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Hope in this new life


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5 hours ago, mittam99 said:

One of my go to "remedies" to get my mind and body to a better place is exercise. These days I actually feel guilty when I miss a workout and that's a healthy guilt!

You are lucky there.  I miss when I could turn to that because it really helps.  And yes, a good guilt.  I was one of those people that didn't use thier treadmill as a clothes hanger.  Walks at the dog park would rejuvenate me.  So, another challenge and loss.  You'd think I'd be becoming an expert at this!  Well, I'll hobble off and give it some thought.   :wacko:

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Gwen, the term "Hobble off" got my attention and I can relate...My left side , knee and hip both giving me trouble. I do have a limp every second day and Ibuproverin is my best friend....I am back to riding a stationary bike, but no treadmill for awhile...Bright side I'm in line for a new hip......

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On ‎04‎/‎14‎/‎2016 at 2:07 PM, Froggie4635 said:

Dear Cookie...

It is pretty common early in our grief to not be "aware" of the kinds of things Kay wrote about.  I went and saw a speaker, who talked about those types of connections.  What he said is that when we are so bogged down with grief, that it kind of blocks our reception of those precious connections.  Sometimes when we really NEED that, it is good to just ask.  I did it once; specifically asked for a sign and not long after that, and I mean minutes, a cardinal flew to my bird feeder.  It happens; we just aren't open to it because we are surrounded by our grief....and that is normal also.  If that helps you any.

Thank you Maryann.....

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Maryann, as I have said before, I miss my magical mind that I used to have.  Hopefully time will melt all the wax around my heart and brain and I can see magical, mystical things again.  I really used to be able to do this.  Billy would laugh at me, but he enjoyed it.  He would go along with me, but if I mentioned it around people, (like hearing the women talking on Signal Peak in New Mexico, when they were not there at all), I read afterwards that others had heard them.  He went along with me hearing them until I mentioned it around someone and then he said he didn't hear them.  I love a magical, mystical, imaginative mind.  Maybe I will find it again.  I hope we all do.

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Had another victory of sorts yesterday. Local Tavern had a Horseshoe throwing tournament. I haven't done this since a Boy Scouts camp in 1964....I was a bit hesitant but figured at least I'd meet some new people. Good thing we had partners chosen randomly. The event was fun and since it was mostly arms involved,  I didn't feel out of place at all. Will definitely play again in the Fall. Two of the best players there were Women, ages about 35 and 65.....still in the moment...off to Church now

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2 hours ago, Marg M said:

I love a magical, mystical, imaginative mind.  Maybe I will find it again.  I hope we all do.

Marg, you are very early in your journey. It changes us so much and early on we're so numb and everything just feels so raw and awful. You will find your magic again. Of that, I have no doubt. That's who you are.

I also want to tell you how much I appreciated you saying that members here have helped you along the way. That is very kind and great to hear. You too mean a lot to many members here at the forum. What you write is always from the heart and always has a few witty gems that puts a smile on our collective faces.

Mitch

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Mitch, I think the "girls" on here all appreciate the male voices as to how they miss their mates.  It makes me feel that Billy would have been very hurt and I never liked to see my Billy hurt.  Prophetically, early in my cancer fight with my fear of dying, waking up at night in nightmares, my cancer was bad, it was two different kinds on a collision course.  The treatment was 1982 treatment.  They even didn't have the CT scans or the MRI's at MD Anderson.  We would come home every week end with me throwing up all the way home.  One time a trooper caught us, we pulled over at a rest stop and I kept on throwing up.  He told us to go on at the speed we were going, no ticket.  But, I woke up in cold sweats at night thinking I was dying.  One night he told me "If you die, all this pain, all this worry will be gone and all the pain and worry will be on those you leave behind."  How right he was.  I have told this tale before, but I remember it often.  I would not want him to hurt and you men, you show me a caring side that we women can appreciate.  We feel our mates would have hurt and we did not want that either.  Sickness was hurting enough.  It took Billy fast, too fast for me, but maybe for his sake, maybe it left him some dignity and he was big on the dignity.  He hated my personal cleaning of him (and it was a total act of love from me, and he knew it).  He went from the cane, to the walker, to the wheelchair in five weeks and each time he had to change to my helping him that much more, it was that much more dignity he lost. And he knew how much I loved helping him.  I somehow had enough strength during that time I could have carried his whole 6'2" frame myself. It would have destroyed him though.  I think we women can take it better than you men.  I lost a lot of dignity during my cancer, but Billy never made me feel unloved, or untouchable.  That is why we need males and females helping each other on this forum.  

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On 4/18/2016 at 8:55 PM, Marg M said:

Mitch, I think the "girls" on here all appreciate the male voices as to how they miss their mates.  It makes me feel that Billy would have been very hurt and I never liked to see my Billy hurt.   

I read somewhere that men and women typically grieve differently in that women tend to be more vocal about their loss and men internalize it more. I'm sure studies have been done to back this up.

For me though, I've always had to talk things out if there was a problem or conflict in my life. If something... (anything) is bothering me I need to resolve it as soon as possible for peace of mind.

Tammy would tell you of the many times I'd stay up all night resolving problems with the computer or around the house. I couldn't truly relax or sleep until I had the problem "licked". Just last week, a light switch in the bathroom broke in the middle of the night. I couldn't sleep so there I was in complete darkness doing an electrical repair at 2 AM!

Tammy's death is, by far, the worst thing that has ever happened to me. Not that the deaths of my parents didn't hit me hard, they certainly did. But, losing my beautiful Tammy was (and still is) utter and complete life altering devastation. And there is no "quick fix" as we all know.

I'm so very grateful this forum exists. Talking things out with you ladies and gents has helped so much and literally has kept my sanity. Well, at least some of it. ;)

Thanks to all.

 

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27 minutes ago, mittam99 said:

I read somewhere that men and women typically grieve differently in that women tend to be more vocal about their loss and men internalize it more. I'm sure studies have been done to back this up.

For me though, I've always had to talk things out if there was a problem or conflict in my life. If something... (anything) is bothering me I need to resolve it as soon as possible for peace of mind.

Tammy would tell you of the many times I'd stay up all night resolving problems with the computer or around the house. I couldn't truly relax or sleep until I had the problem "licked". Just last week, a light switch in the bathroom broke in the middle of the night. I couldn't sleep so there I was in complete darkness doing an electrical repair at 2 AM!

Tammy's death is, by far, the worst thing that has ever happened to me. Not that the deaths of my parents didn't hit me hard, they certainly did. But, losing my beautiful Tammy was (and still is) utter and complete life altering devastation. And there is no "quick fix" as we all know. I'm so very grateful this forum exists. Talking things out with you ladies and gents has helped so much and literally has kept my sanity. Well, at least some of it. ;)

Thanks to all.

 

I could pretty much say, "DITTO".  If my wife and I had a disagreement she would give me "the silent treatment".  I could feel her closing up in my spirit and I couldn't sleep.  I took it literally, "Don't go to bed angry."  I am very persistent and doggedly determined to find a way to fix something wrong.  I faced and adapted to each change and the growing decline in Rose Anne's health as an opportunity to help make her life less burdensome. She was always appreciative and humble.  I just never thought about or planned how I would live after she died.  I always had hope that she would get better. It was just such an overwhelming shock.

It was rough when my Mother died, my brother, and best friend all within a year. But I had Rose Anne to lean on and communicate during the times of grief.  This was like a neutron bomb went off.  I'm still hear but my wife's life was vaporized.  I am a strong Christian with a deep understanding of the Sovereignty of God but my wife's death rocked me to the core.  There were many signs that God was with me during that most critical time.  I searched the Bible, Internet, Facebook, Blogs, Books, etc... It was until I came across this forum that I slowly began to understand just a glimpse of what I was going through. It was so profound to find out I was not alone or crazy in my thoughts about grieving.

At first, I thought, " Oh Great!" It's only women that have these same thoughts and feelings.  Fortunately, I discovered there are men here too who hurt, feel, and share their pain.  I remember Kayc and others assuring me that this intense grieving will calm down. I couldn't see or understand it.  I was glad there were other people here on this grief path that no one volunteered for. 

I write and share here, good, bad, and ugly here to let others who come to read to know there are all types and manners and each one of us is learn how to live this afterlife (after the death of our beloved). I took these forum friends  advise to sleep, breath, eat healthy, exercise, and just take it one moment at a time. I am extremely grateful for this place.  It is my inner sanctum.  Shalom - George 

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That was one of the really important things to me in finding this grief forum, George...to learn that I wasn't crazy, or if I was, I had plenty of company. :)

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Janice, the last time we came down I-49 to Shreveport Billy was driving.  I have to go back to where he left me, tomorrow.  I keep feeling I have to hurry back because he is waiting for me, then I realize all over again, he isn't.  I still feel best about Louisiana, but he is not here either.

Billy would stay up all night trying to solve one of Brianna's home school algebra problems.  Then the next day he would teach her how to do it.  It is hard going back to school again in your 70's.  She would have three "common sense" questions and I would make her miss all three.  But, Billy would worry a problem until he found an answer.

I still prefer to be numb.  

 

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Now they teach new math that nobody can figure out and it doesn't make sense to do it that way, it's a step backwards!  My kids always took 1st place in the state for their mental math, I can't understand undoing all that!

Are you still gone, Margaret?

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I'm always gone Kay.  I am back in Louisiana, but I brought my Kindle along. This trip this time exhausted me, so I had to come here for my fix.  I don't know if you all know what I mean by numb,   I know I have to face things, I have, I do.  Went to see my mom and sister.  My sister has COPD, she missed work today.  My mom fell twice and had to have nurses out.  Lots to face.  Again, I like numb.   

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Marg, I am sending you a big virtual hug. You are going through a lot and I am so glad you are here where we can hold you during this time. That is what we do here on this forum. We care for one another.

Anne

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Mitch and George, I truly think there are gender differences that affect grief.  I feel men are 'trained' to act strong no matter what.  It was only later in life that Steve felt the freedom to express his emotions openly.  The deepest were only with me, but he started opening up to his friends during the last year or so.  His male friends were kind of taken aback at first, but he was able to give the talks he wanted with them, tears and all, to tell them how he felt about having them in his life.  the few I still see have told me what an impact that made on them and how they are learning it is OK to be open emotionally.  It was hard for him to feel helpless, but I would always tell him.....let me be the strong one for a little while.  

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I must have missed out on the "act strong no matter what" gene; the curse of being the only boy with five sisters.  Have always preferred romantic comedies to action/adventure in my reading as well as movies.  I've always cried at Hallmark commercials.  I always saw Deedo and myself as being the Thayer's from On Golden Pond in our retirement.  Didn't quite make it there.

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Brad, same here. I also have no brothers and two sisters. Funny thing... growing up, my younger sister's girlfriends would often come to me for advice.B) I've always gotten along well with women. And men, too. I guess I'm "likeable". Ok, enough about me, back to grief talk...

 

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This quote, taken from the Dean Koontz book "Odd Hours" struck me as quite profound. The last line is particularly thought provoking.

"Grief can destroy you - or focus you.  You can decide a relationship was all for nothing if it had to end in death, and you alone.  Or you can realize that every moment of it had more meaning than you dared recognize at the time, so much meaning it scared you, so you just lived, just took for granted the love and laughter of each day, and didn't allow yourself to consider the sacredness of it.  But when it's over and you're alone, you begin to see it wasn't just a movie and a dinner together, not just watching sunsets together, not just scrubbing the floor or washing dishes together or worrying over a high electric bill. It was everything, it was the why of life, every event and precious moment of it.  The answer to the mystery of existence is the love you shared sometimes so imperfectly, and when the loss wakes you to the deeper beauty of it, to the sanctity of it, you can't get off your knees for a long time- you're driven to your knees not by the weight of the loss but by the gratitude for what preceded the loss.  And the ache is always there, but one day not the emptiness, because to nurture the emptiness, to take solace in it, is to disrespect the gift of life."

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Mitch-

That quote is so right on target.  

"The answer to the mystery of existence is the love you shared sometimes so imperfectly, and when the loss wakes you to the deeper beauty of it, to the sanctity of it, you can't get off your knees for a long time- you're driven to your knees not by the weight of the loss but by the gratitude for what preceded the loss."  

This is the place I am working so hard to reach! 

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Mitch, that quote is great.  I had to pause for thought at the emptiness part because I feel the emptiness where life once was, yet I realize it's not total emptiness either, because forever I carry the aftermath of having known love and that changes everything.  It speaks of value and fullness and life shared.

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Mitch -- that quote, so powerful.  Every line ringing true.  Our marriage our love was so profound -- but not perfect -- but so profound, and no I didn't realize how much so until the painful abyss that I feel  I'm in now.  But it is actually the last line that I find hard. What is nurturing emptiness vs. being profoundly empty?  I could confuse the two easily.

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I think it means we can get so lost in the emptiness  that we neglect the life we still have left.  It may empty always because they are gone, but to live in that and forget we still have those very special and personal memories we could miss being grateful for them.  

Its just so painful for us right now.  So close.  So we spend some time there, but hopefully we won't take up residence in the emptiness.  

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