I miss my Gulu so much it hurts

[MyGulu]

This probably is a long post but I just had to say what I needed to for this is hurting more than anything ever has.

Gulu, our 8 year old pug passed away abruptly on 10th March 2016.

I feel a huge chunk of me taken away  - there is a hole inside me, which does not seem to get any better even after 6 weeks.

I constantly feel I should have been more alert, more diligent, more caring, I FEEL AS IF I HAVE FAILED GULU IN SOME WAYS & HE NEVER FAILED ME. He had his problem with seizures for which he was under meds & a mild heart condition was detected in middle of 2014 for which also he was on meds. All precautions were in place, He was not exerted, & one fine day his heart just gave in. He started panting like anything from night...stopped peeing, was given lasix for that - got marginally better the next day - the vet came & gave some medicines & injections & again from after dinner he started panting like anything. No meds worked & by the end of the night he could not take it anymore & he passed away. I feel so angry at the vet & my inability to do anything, he was just gone in 1.5 days. When he got better the next day, we thought he was out of the woods & in his condition he could not be taken out of house. We tried as much as we could but in retrospect I keep thinking that may be we could have done that or not done something else...it was not his time to go...he was fine one day & within a matter of hours things took such a turn that I lost my dearest Gulu. I still cannot wrap my head around the fact that he is no more...the same thing is happening to my mother. Gulu was closest to mom & me. He used to sleep with mom in her bed. She is also hardly holding it together, breaking down now & then...staring blankly at nowhere. I am worried about her.

Everytime the reality strikes that I wont be able to hold him again, cuddle him again, kiss his soft head again - that Gulu will not look at me asking me to take him in my lap where he would snuggle to sleep every morning while I would be having my tea..everyday when I return from office he would not come and sit beside me in the bed, where a pillow was kept particularly for him  - he loved to sleep with his head on a pillow - everyday when I wake up I knew he would be sleeping or eating in one of his usual places - everytime I realize it one more time, I feel like the wind is knocked out of me & I start sobbing like anything - this happens a number of times everyday.. I feel a constant lump in my throat - a constant tightness in my chest - physically unable to do a lot of things & getting things done like work takes a huge toll on me & my mother.

Gulu was our sunshine, my soulmate, just looking at him made me feel better, OK. I even got angry at others for having everything they care for with them...I cannot understand how everything could go on just as it used to like nothing has happened...

I see Gulu's face everywhere I go or am. I imagine him running towards me all the time & I picking him up again.. I see his sleepy face at work & everywhere I go. Even if I seem to be a little normal again, it just hits me out of the blue & I am back to where I was.

I miss holding that kid so much that it hurts. I find it difficult to  breathe at times.

Gulu had 2 previous brushes with death - once a heat stroke & next another mild stroke & both the times he recovered remarkably well. & with all meds in place I had assumed that he would  be with me another 4-5 years...if only I knew this could take such a turn like this....

Yes, I go on and do the things I need to do in life but catch myself crying suddenly...or fighting back tears if I am in office. He was just 8 years & he was absolutely normal one moment & then suddenly one thing after another kept happening...I don't believe in after life or anything & so the sense of loss is even more final...

I dont know how to survive - Gulu was so good, so funny - there was not a single shade of negativity in him & he had no sense of self preservation - as if he relied on us completely for his well being...this made my family very protective of him. He was our baby, my confidante - Gulu gave me peace & strength.

Without him I feel totally lost. life seems to have lost all meaning. The same applies to my mother too.

Please help.

 

 

[kayc]

Your precious Gulu is beautiful and I can see why you love him so much.  Grief is like taking your very breath, your heart and soul away, it's gut wrenching and hard to live through, but somehow we do, a day at a time...sometimes a minute at a time.

You did all you could for your precious dog and it's not your fault he passed.  It's normal to feel we should have done something different to save them, I felt that way when my husband died.  It's easy to second guess ourselves but the truth is, we did the best we could with what we knew and the resources available to us.  They were our lives, we would have done anything we could have.

I am so sorry for your loss, it's extremely painful, I know.

[MyGulu]

Thanks Kayc for understanding!
I do know that this is inevitable, would have happened someday but Gulu was relatively normal. Gulu had some problems but nothing was alarming & his sudden going away has taken us by shock. I wish he lived his full life - he was just 8years old!!

I miss him literally all the time. I cannot seem to be able to function properly. Gulu was closest to my mom & me & even after 6 weeks we have not been able to accept his sudden departure. The bond I shared with him was unique, very special. I miss all the little things he did everyday - the way he looked at me with his beautiful soulful eyes, the way he barked, the way he ate & everything else...he loved to bask in the sun & he radiated warmth & love like anything...his presence made such a difference in my life & with him gone life seems to have lost its meaning. I just wish he did not go like he did & stayed on with us for some more years...it still seems like an accident. a nightmare to me.

[Nikki D]

I am so sorry for your loss of Gulu... He is so precious. 

I can feel your pain like it's my own. I felt the same exact feeling of "a constant lump in my throat - a constant tightness in my chest" when I was reading your post, as I am still grieving over the loss of my beloved Greyhound "Kura" whom we laid to rest on February 10th. Kura had mast cell tumor and his fluid in his lungs got out of control by the time it was found. We had to make the decision to let him go. He was only 7. He didn't make it to his 8th birthday which is coming up in a few weeks... He appeared to be a very healthy dog until 10 days before his passing. On February 1, all of sudden he stopped eating and form then on, everything went down the hill so fast. I have the same regret as yours: "I constantly feel I should have been more alert, more diligent, more caring, I FEEL AS IF I HAVE FAILED GULU IN SOME WAYS & HE NEVER FAILED ME.". Every time I think about how Kura looked somewhat lethargic in January... I kept thinking he was sad because he wasn't able to go for walks as much due to the weather. I didn't take any action... But then again, he wasn't showing any obvious symptoms so it was probably hard to detect what was wrong then... Just like my husband says, we couldn't possibly do the whole body x-rays or MRI hoping to find something a vet couldn't figure out where to start...

I believe it was around the same time (6 or 7 weeks after Kura's passing) I became so desperate as you. I thought I was losing my mind and posted my first post here, basically asking if I started suffering depression. And the response was no, I was going through natural grieving process. Marty shared her experience with her dog and also recommended doing the work of grief, http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/03/bereavement-doing-work-of-grief.html  and breathing lesson, http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/breathing-lessons-0501124  and breathing exercise  http://www.drweil.com/drw/u/ART00521/three-breathing-exercises.html

These articles have been helping me a lot. If you would like, you can read and find more on my thread: “Normal bereavement behavior?” here under Loss of A Pet.

I also read a packet my daughter sent me a few weeks ago. It’s called “Good Grief” written by Granger Westburg. It explains there are 10 stages of griefs. Although people go through these stages differently (people go through in different order and some don’t go through all of them, etc…), I can see that I am going through these stages and they make good sense. It helps me understand what we are going through is the normal grieving process of people who face up their loss. As the author writes, “we shall be talking about the road to majority of humans must travel in order to get back into the mainstream of life.” I know I still have ways to get back myself.

Since my first post on this forum about a month ago, I have met some people (not in person though) who understand exactly how I feel and we can share our feelings openly. It’s good to know we are not alone in this difficult journey. This is a great place to share your sorrow.

I have been on this forum for only a month or so but I believe Marty is a counselor here and she can give you great advice. I think she is unable to check the forum due to some internet connection difficulty or something the past couple of days. I’m sure she’ll be a great help when she returns.

 

 

[enna]

Gulu is the most precious pug I have ever seen. What a beautiful furbaby. I am so sorry for your loss. Many, many of us are pet lovers and have lost our animals. You are among people who have a very soft heart for these family members.

I am sorry you are having a hard time. Nikki's suggestions are very good and Marty's blog does have many links that could be of help to you and your mom.

Anne

[MyGulu]

Hi  Nikki & Anne,

Thanks for understanding!!

Finding myself among kindred spirits do make me feel a lot better. My mom & I will go through the links shared by Nikki after returning from work today.  Sharing my thoughts & feelings with people who understand losses like this takes the heaviness off my chest a little as most people do not understand what we are going through. They either pretend that nothing has happened to give a sense of "normalcy" or they think that I should just forget and/or start moving on as its already 6 weeks!! I know I have to find my "new" normal without Gulu in my life someday but it can take a long time for that to happen.

Gulu was the most precious being I have ever come in contact with in my life, pure goodness & love.. I love him so much...

[enna]

When my Benji died I was so sad. I took an e-course by Marty and it helped me during my grieving.

http://www.selfhealingexpressions.com/courses/pet-loss-support

This is another site that might help ~

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/09/death-of-pet-breaking-sad-news.html 

Anne

[kayc]

I lost a dog to a premature death and understand the shock you're feeling.  No matter how much time that passes, you will still miss him, but gradually you'll begin to adjust.  The links provided to you above will be of help to you and I hope this site brings you some measure of comfort.  For those of us that love our dogs as I do, the loss is enormous.  I'm sorry you've encountered others that do not understand.  I still run across people who think dogs don't have any business being in the house...my dog has his own recliner to sit and look out the window!  How can they possibly understand when they haven't opened their hearts to dogs like we have?

[MyGulu]

Yes, going through the links do offer some respite but I think the road to adjusting a life without my darling Gulu is quite long & tough.

I just cannot stop believing that it was not his time to go....I just can't...that there might have been something that could or should have been done & this is  killing me. That kid made my life so much better. I am from India & we don't normally have central air conditioning. I bought the first AC in our house for him, so that he is comfortable during summer!! Right now I am sitting with my laptop on my bed & the spot that Gulu occupied beside me is forever going to be empty. How am I going to be OK or normal again??

[kayc]

We are never the same again after grief, that's why they tell us we have to find our new normal.  That takes time.  This is the hardest time because the pain is so intense and you haven't yet had time to adjust to not having him right there.  We do learn to carry them in our hearts, that's hard to explain, but in time you will understand.

I had a dog that was in the prime of his life and he died prematurely.  I can't say as I ever got over it, it shouldn't have happened, I'm so sorry we missed out on those unlived years he should have had.  He was the sweetest family dog anyone could ever ask for, and just adorable.  He was very interactive, and truly our best friend.  That was 19 years ago and while it seems a long time ago, I remember it like it was yesterday.

The first picture of Fluffy is when he was a puppy, the second is him as an adult.  He was Cocker Spaniel and American Eskimo.

[MyGulu]

Fluffy is so beautiful & sweet, just adorable I am so sorry that he had to leave your family prematurely too. I am actually glad that our pets had received such love from us & continue receiving so even long after they are gone...& I am more grateful that we got them as members of our families too...

Finding this community of people who understand my pain, is helping me too. At least here is a place where I can share my feelings of losing my Gulu without hesitation or inhibitions. Gulu will always be a part of my life. I just wish dogs had longer lives, at least live their lives to the fullest.

[kayc]

Me too, my Arlie is 8 years old and I dread the day he goes.  He has chronic acute colitis, and I make his food for him...he's a big dog so at 4 cups/day, feeding him is a big deal!  But he is so worth it and I wish he could live to 20, just as you would your Gulu.  I feel about him that he is my dog soul mate, if there is such a thing, because he's perfect for me and I knew he was the one the second I saw his picture in the newspaper (he was a rescue).  You see, you've found a group of dog lovers here.  Your Gulu is the same age as my Arlie, it just feels that is way too soon, my heart really goes out to you.

[Nikki D]

I know… It is so hard… Every now and then I still go through the same exact thought as yours: “I just cannot stop believing that it was not his time to go....I just can't...that there might have been something that could or should have been done & this is killing me”.  I understand exactly how that feels!  Your quote “this is killing me” is a perfect description. It “kills” me, too, because that’s the time my body starts to react when all these thoughts (regrets, regrets, anger – what ifs, should/would haves) go through my head. I get into sort of like a panic attack – hard to breathe, tight/heavy chest, muscle tense, and sweat… When it happens, I do the 4-7-8 breathing exercise and put on essential oil diffuser. It helps me calm down.

My Kura would be 8 on May 2nd, if he was still here. When we got the devastating result (mast cell tumor) in the morning of Feb 9th, the day before we let him go, we decided to go with chemo hoping for a miracle - at least to hold on until his birthday.  But the hours went by, the hope became thinner, to just hold until he was able to come home and go to sleep on his own bed. I made all the arrangement for a vet to come to our house to help him go – that was my last hope. Kura was my Velcro dog. He followed me everywhere. He hated to be crated. It’s heart wrenching to think he had to spend his last two nights at an emergency hospital, in a crate, without me… But we had to leave him there because of the fast developing fluid in his lungs. He could have drown in it and we couldn’t let that happen at home. On Feb 10, I even had to drop my very last hope and let him cross the bridge at the hospital. It was an hour drive back home and I don’t think he would’ve made it home and I do think we made the right decision for him, right decision for Kura, not for us, to release him from suffering.  But then again, I still can’t stop thinking - Maybe he could have survived but we let him go… it means we killed him... Maybe he could have come home and start to feel better, just because he came home where he feels comfortable… but we let him go at the hospital…

Yes, I agree. I wish our pets have longer life. Kura was a racer and he came to a rescue group when he retired after breaking his leg. He was with us only 4 years and his life was cut short.  I try to think this way as it makes me feel better:  Kura’s life was short but he received lots of TLCs in 4 years with us which may be worth double or even more than he would’ve received elsewhere. I know this applies to your Gulu. And kayc’s Fluffy, too. (They are so precious!) When we think of all the other unfortunate animals who have been abused, abandoned, neglected… our fur babies knew what love feels like and received lots of it and they were very fortunate. As you said, they are still receiving after they are gone!

[kayc]

Oh Nikki,

Please don't say you killed him.  You would have done anything you could for him.  Sometimes we are forced to make really hard decisions.  I think he knew how loved he was.

[MyGulu]

Nikki, please do not think you killed Kura. I know our limitations as we are not vets & cannot really know what is going on inside our pets' bodies. If we did, we would have done all we could...you did not prolong his pain.

Arlie is such a beauty!! And as Arlie is your canine soul mate Kayc, Gulu was mine. Some of the pets just become so close to us  that life becomes very difficult without them. Gulu loved snuggling into my lap, really enjoyed it & I enjoyed holding him - it was sort of a ritual almost every morning while I would have my tea. And now I feel empty. Every morning when I wake up, or even in the  middle of the night, the first thought that comes into my mind is that Gulu is gone & I can no longer hold him or kiss him. That he should not have gone out the way he did or when he did...may be its just the love speaking.

I agree that Gulu, Kura, Fluffy, Arlie & our other pets - they have received & receive way more love than they would have from most other families or owners. Thats a consolation that they were very much loved & they realized it, otherwise Gulu would not come to me everyday to be taken into my lap!! The way he looked at me just before he came to be held made me realize that, "Ok, now I will have to take him on my lap"...  And when he would be left alone in a room, if he were sleeping, he would call us by barking either to take him to where we were or we would have to be there - he just did not want to be left alone...he was equally if not closer to my Mom too...everyday when she used to go to take her bath, Gulu would just go & sit there by the door till she came out

I wish with all my heart that Arlie stays a really long time with you Kayc.

Take care of yourself Nikki.

[kayc]

Thank you, and I agree with you...they receive more love in our homes than they could have somewhere else.  We have a close link with our dogs, we understand and care about each other.

 

[Nikki D]

I know… I shouldn’t think that way about letting Kura go…

Now I think about it, this could be a part of sense of guilt and it is neurotic guilt. In the packet my daughter sent me it explains two types of guilt: normal guilt and neurotic guilt.

“An illustration of neurotic guilt may be a daughter who has stayed by her aged mother’s bedside in the hospital for days and days without sleep. The doctor now orders her to go home to get some sleep. This turns out to be the night that her mother dies, and she will never forgive herself for not being there when it happened. She broods endlessly about this and builds it up out of proportion to the real situation.

If only this daughter could talk over this whole problem with somebody who understands the deeper relations of which this guilt is but a symptom, she would begin to understand how to cope with her neurotic guilt and not have to be so unhappy……. “((Taken from “Good Grief” by Granger E. Westburg) (note: this article (or book???) talks about grief in general, not particularized in pet loss grieving))

If I’m interpreting it correctly, feeling neurotic guilt is part of mental mechanism to escape reality… which means, in somewhere inside of me I am still trying not to accept the fact that Kura is gone, and I am still hesitant to start, what kayc calls, “new normal”.  It’s really good that I am able to talk about these feelings here on this forum without feeling embarrassed because people like you write comments that help me come back to my senses and think, “Yes, that was just silly of me to think that way.” And also help me realize that I do need to keep working on the work of grief, and for that I think taking Marty’s e-course would be important.  I don’t want to be stuck. Kura would be disappointed if I stay unhappy. I need to come out of clouds and get to the final stage of “Affirm Reality”…  Thank you, everyone.  

 

[MartyT]

This article may offer some insights, Nikki: Pet Loss: Guilt in the Wake of The Euthanasia Decision   ♥

[MyGulu]

I read the article whose link Marty posted. Even though I did not euthanize Gulu there are many places where it strikes a chord with my feelings. There was a part where it suggested to seek forgiveness. The irony here  is that Gulu never got angry with us or anyone for that matter...he, I know has already forgiven me. I am unable to forgive myself. I think like Nikki that certain symptoms which seemed natural prior to his going away, were something deeper & I did not pay enough attention. & if I did & took necessary steps,  then may be just may be Gulu would be with us today...I shudder to think about the night before he passed away...I often end up with something of a cold sweat, a numbness in my limbs. I feel Gulu did not want to leave us, only we could not keep him. He just loved being with us.

While at work today, I broke down twice - I had to go to the restroom to cry. Normally, what took me about an hour to do, I am now taking 3-4 hours !!! I feel distracted, choked up, unable to concentrate. Anything that interested me earlier do not any more. I hate myself now for spending so many hours on things that did not matter, if only I had spent some more time with him, then may be I would have noticed something & acted on it...

I had gained a few kgs of weight last year or so & was always planning to do something about it but did not. In the weeks after Gulu went away, I had lost the weight...I find myself talking to him now & then - I was telling him that I he did not have to go away for me to lose the weight...I cry & tell him he was holding too much weight on his little shoulders, to keep us happy...

Of all the pets I ever had & do have, I had the strongest connection with Gulu..with him gone I do not know what to do. When I returned home today, I broke down again. I try not to cry in front of my mother as she is also going through the same intensity of grief & seeing me like that would bring her back from whatever progress she has made, but I just could not stop myself today. And we broke down together & cried for sometime.

 

[MartyT]

My dear, I hope you will give yourself permission to share those tears with your mother. Clearly you both were very attached to Gulu, and you're both in tune with each other's grief. That's a good thing!

So often in families we work hard to be "strong" and hide our sorrow from other family members, for fear of adding to their pain, as if expressing your pain will remind your mother of her loss ~ but I am fairly certain that your mother is thinking of precious little else right now, and neither are you.

Right now you are each other's very best support, because you don't have to explain to each other what you're feeling and why. Feeling your pain and expressing your sorrow is the most healthy way for both you and your mother to work your way through this grief, my dear, and doing it together is good for both of you. ♥  

[MartyT]

Sharing a special article that I read just now, about the human-animal bond: Unfair Transaction  ♥

[kayc]

Thank you, Marty, that was beautifully put. 

[Nikki D]

It’s so strange that we share so much similar thinking pattern…

My Gulu, you said, "I had gained a few kgs of weight last year or so & was always planning to do something about it but did not. In the weeks after Gulu went away, I had lost the weight...I find myself talking to him now & then - I was telling him that I he did not have to go away for me to lose the weight...I cry & tell him he was holding too much weight on his little shoulders, to keep us happy... "

I have a very similar "trigger" (I can't come up with the right word for it...) that causes me to break down every now and then. 

I believe that things happen for reasons. So does my husband. Right after Kura passed, we both searched for the reason why Kura was taken away so suddenly. First my husband was even angry at God for taking my joy away and punishing me for no reason. He has been planning to retire soon. I am from Japan and all my family are there, including my aging parents who are still doing fairly well on their own. Our initial plan was to stay in the US until Kura and Saya pass and we take their ashes with us, which we thought it would be another 5-6 years. We actually thought about taking them with us but it’s not so easy. First of all, they have to be crated in airplane cargo for 14 hours… I wasn’t sure if Kura would survive it. He hates to be crated or confined. Saya likes crates. Second is the housing situation. My family live in a big city where many homes are close to each other with very small yard, or no yard. Unless we buy our own home somewhere in country, it will be very difficult for us to find a place, especially a rental property, with two large dogs near my parents’ home. Although Greyhounds are very quiet and don’t require large space, most people don’t know it, especially in Japan where most dog owners prefer small breeds for that reason. I’m almost certain we’ll be rejected. But with only one, and Saya is smaller, we may have a chance. Saya doesn’t (can’t) walk much so the yard situation is not a big deal.

A few weeks after Kura’s passing, I learned that my father caught a cold and he got pretty ill. He has a bypass in his heart. It was a bit scary. Fortunately he got better and now he is doing fine but it’s obvious that they are getting old and even a cold can affect them. This means we may have to change our plans and move earlier than we thought. Then I started to think, “Is this why Kura decided he had to go? To make it easier for us to move to help my parents? Or did God choose to take him so that we can do what we need to do???” If Kura knew it and did this to himself, to make our life easier, that’s too much burden he carried for me  – even I do think it’s their (cats, dogs) mission to come to us to love and please, his mission was too harsh… 

And another one yet.

I went to get my health check-up about a month ago. Taking care of ourselves is something we need to do during the grief, said in an article I read so I did. I probably wouldn’t have even thought about going, unless I was grieving. Turned out, I was checked for prediabetes, very close to become full-blown. So there’s the connection again – Did Kura have go to let me know I’m a developing a health issue???

These thoughts still haunt me every time they pop up in my head… Like MyGulu, I break down crying, telling Kura, “Why did you do this? You didn’t have to go away for me to save me or make my life easier…” 

 

Edited April 22, 2016 by Nikki D
added something

[kayc]

Nikki,

I know some think that everything happens for a reason.  I've been of a mind, since my husband died, that things just happen and not to try and look too deep in it for a reason that may not be forthcoming.  Now I'm beginning to wonder.  My best friend called today and said she is in kidney failure and going into the hospital.  Recently the animal control took her three small pigs from her and it broke her heart.  They were more intelligent and cleaner than her dogs, plus it didn't cost her anything to feed them because they could eat leftovers from a food shelter she volunteers at.  Today she said, maybe God knew the pigs needed to be placed somewhere because she wouldn't be there to take care of them.  Who knows?!  I still don't think everything has a reason behind it, but maybe there are sometimes reasons that we aren't even aware of or don't learn about until way later.

If you have prediabetes, it's likely in time to turn it around before developing full blown Diabetes, which you don't want.  (I have it).  I hope and pray that is the case!  I also hope there's a way for you to be able to locate near your parents with your needs met, especially regarding Saya.  I'm glad your dad is doing well after his bypass, it is scary.  My husband died waiting for his bypass (he was to get a five-bypass the next day).  Truth be told, he probably wouldn't have made it through the surgery, they would have needed to have caught it more than six months sooner.

Good luck to you, I wish you well in your plans.  And I'm sorry you lost your Gulu...

[MyGulu]

Kayc, I am very sorry for your husband's loss.

I too do not know whether or not everything happens for a reason...I cannot ever find out any good reason for Gulu's passing away. But sometimes I think we try to find a reason to make some sense of the loss.

Since yesterday I am haunted with the thought that may be if I had arranged for oxygen for Gulu, he would have had a fighting chance. The Vet who came, the other one whom we consulted over phone or the paravet who administered the injections etc. - neither of them suggested that. Only it occurred to me once but I did not act on it. Now going through articles on conditions similar to Gulu's, I have read the necessity of oxygen!!! Why did I not do it myself??? Gulu was my responsibility & I did not act on my gut feeling & Gulu had to pay the price...to tell the truth I just did not know or think that he would pass away like that!!! Now in retrospect I see certain decisions that had not been taken correctly - I wish I could go  back & do things differently. But this mistake can never be UNDONE...I have lost him for good...how do I live with this? I loved him so much but could not or did not do what needed to be done to protect him!!!!

Nikki, take care of our health. I too hope that you do not get full blown diabetes & get the transition done to relocate near your parents very smoothly.