Jump to content
Grief Healing Discussion Groups

I miss my Gulu so much it hurts


MyGulu

Recommended Posts

Yes Kayc, probably thats the case with anticipatory grief...we get a little prepared mentally. Although losing a loved one is never easy to get over.

There is a wedding of my parents' friend's son next week and although my mother was initially reluctant to attend it, we convinced her to attend it. She will be gone for about 3 days. I know the distraction is going to be temporary but I do hope it does her some good.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't think we ever "get over" it.  I went through anticipatory grief with my MIL and it seemed a bit like torture although I do think back on that time as special because she was still in it and I'm glad I got to take care of her...it was hard because of the years of suffering she had.  But when I lost my husband it was such a shock, it was very different.  I think I was in shock for a very long time.

  • Upvote 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I, too, think losing someone (a person or a pet) unexpectedly is harder. I often think if Kura was older and I knew he was going to leave soon, my grief would be much different... 

I was at my dentist's the other day and when the receptionist asked how my dogs were doing (they all know I make my schedule around my dogs'), I broke down in tears again. I often feel it's so unfair that Kura had to be taken away so soon... I make sure my dogs get good quality of everything, food, treats, vet care, everything!  Why??? All these neighbor dogs running around every day without any supervision (because owners are too lazy to walk them), who knows what they are eating on the fields or even to go to vets, but yet they seem very healthy... 

MyGulu, I feel your mom - we have to go to a graduation this weekend. 8 hours drive from here and we'll be gone for 3 days. Honestly I am so not wanting to go. We were just gone for 3 days on our weekend getaway 2 weeks ago. I just don't feel like going to be around many people. Plus I don't like the idea of leaving Saya so often, even though my daughter and her kids will be staying at our house to care for her, I know it's not the same for Saya, when I'm not around. But I guess it's good to get out and be around family once in a while...

  • Upvote 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

KayC, I guess you are right. We  never actually get over these losses, we probably just get used to it. The main problem with this kind of sudden unexpected losses is the shock - the body & soul numbing pain. I am really sorry about your losing your husband.

Nikki - I agree completely. If Gulu had grown old & then gone away, of course I would be devastated but at least I would have had the consolation that he lived his life. It is not fair the way Gulu & Kura & others like them had been taken away like this. I too wonder why, with less caring owners, pets seem to thrive better. In out family like yours, the dogs run the show. I still struggle with the "why" of it?? Why & how, suddenly in one & a half day Gulu could be gone? Gulu's death never even crossed our minds to be happening anytime soon.

There was an office lunch a few weeks back which I could not attend, I just could not. WhereasI went out last Sunday with friends but could not really enjoy it. Sometimes I am just forcing myself to do these things to try to take a step ahead & just when I seem to be making a little progress I seem to be pulled back down.

I miss that kid all the time.

  • Upvote 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

While the shock factor is hard, the missing them part is the same regardless of when or how they go.  I do think there's a sense of feeling gypped when they go short of a full life.  My husband died just after his 51st birthday and I definitely felt both shocked and gypped.

Last Wed. I was at the vet and a lady rushed in with a dog and yelled "Emergency!  My dog is dying!"  It was just a puppy.  He'd ingested her grandmother's medicines and he was in acute pain like I've never heard before.  It broke my heart, I had to leave so I could let the tears flow and say a prayer for him.  It hit me all the harder because it was a puppy who hadn't got to live his life yet.  Had he been 15 at least there would have been the consolation of his having lived a good life.  The owners would miss him regardless of his age,but at least they wouldn't have the regret of losing a dog that never got a chance to live.  I haven't heard the outcome of the dog yet but it didn't look good.  They had to send him on to the nearest city with more advanced care, after getting him to vomit, but I think it'd already been in his system too long the way he was crying.

Sorry, didn't mean to bring you guys down.  

  • Upvote 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yes I agree. We feel cheated in addition to the shock.

I feel very sad for the puppy & his owners. Hope the puppy got saved somehow. Life can be cruel like this - not giving everyone their fair share on earth. & why this is so, is probably beyond our understanding - could be nothing but mere chance. But it hurts deeply when the life of a good soul (humans & animals both) is cut short when they had so much to give & live for.

I used to believe that our decisions shape our lives to a very large extent. That we have a say in how our lives turn out. I read somewhere that negative thoughts brought negativity & positive thoughts brought positivity in one's life & I believed it to a great degree. I always was positive that Gulu would be with us for many more years, that he would live to grow old & he was well taken care of. But it still happened. Don't know what to believe in anymore.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I do believe that positive attracts positive, etc., but it also seems random things seem to happen that are beyond our control.  The Bible says it rains on the just and the unjust, so I guess that sort of shows it's not all based on merit, it just "is".

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Pop cultural beliefs like these (negativity attracts negativity; positive thoughts bring positivity, etc.) can be so hurtful to us when we are struggling with significant loss, searching for answers, and trying to understand why bad things happen ~ and I think such popular (but unproven) beliefs only add to the guilt we're feeling already.

I share some of my own thoughts about this topic (along with the thoughts and writings of others I've found helpful) here: Why? Why Me? Searching For Answers in Grief  

  • Upvote 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I wouldn't say that positive thinking is unproven, but just not applicable when it comes to loss and grief, more like it can affect one's attitude for the better, but  I don't believe in stuff like "The Secret" (book)...I knew someone once who wrote a check for a million dollars and put it up on the wall, thinking she'd become rich for thinking that way, it never happened. :)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Marty, I read the article whose link you shared. It really helped me. I know I am not alone in what I am going through & some of the quotes in that article are absolutely spot on.

What is happening with me &/or my mom is the realization that everything is not in our control & the truth of the whole thing - that Gulu was a very very loved kid, he was happy with us & we with him, & his going away though devastating could not probably be helped but then simultaneously missing him like hell & asking the "whys & what ifs & if only & I wish .." I dreamt yesterday night that Gulu had got sick & sometime later he got better & it felt so good but I then I woke up & realized that it was just a dream. It felt real for a while & then the horrible reality sunk in again & I felt so helpless yet another time. With that the dull ache returns every time, wherever I am & whatever I am doing.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi, when I found this forum, I read all the headlines for the posts and picked out the one that resonated with me the most - and that was this one. I miss my dog so much it hurts. And the more I read, the more I could identify.

 

I lost my girl April 6. She was my first dog and the best friend I’ve ever had. I met her when I was at rock bottom in my life and she pulled me out. We had/have an unbelievable bond. I say have, because I do believe in the afterlife. Regardless of that, since she left, I have seen no sure sign of her and feel empty, lonely, listless, overwhelmed, apathetic and hopeless.

 

You see, Stella was a pug too. She had those same soulful eyes that looked right into me and grabbed me by the heart. She was my heart. I told her all the time. And she, too, knew nothing of self preservation when it came to being with me. She jumped off a second story balcony to get to me once.

 

I don’t know how I’m supposed to go on without her. She was taken way too soon too. Only 9 years old and it came out of nowhere. She was just limping a little bit because of arthritis. She was in pug play mode with her butt up in the air only days before I had to put her down. She ate that very morning. Then everything out of nowhere hit at once and she was gone. The guilt, emptiness, and heartbreak is unbearable. With a long history of loneliness and depression, I don't see this getting better. I just don’t know what to do without my girl. How can you have such a strong bond with something and just have it ripped away from you? And then you're just supposed to just go on without it? Where did that energy I felt from her go? I need to feel it again.

stelly_collage.png

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am so sorry you lost your dog, I feel the same way about my dog, although I've had many dogs over my lifetime, it seems I'm even more attached now that I'm older and alone.  I hope you get some kind of sign that you're looking for.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi Stelly4ever, I know what you are going through. Your Stella is just lovely. I am very very sorry for your loss. I have been feeling the same since my Gulu passed away suddenly too. This is a place where it really helps to unburden your thoughts & emotions & every contributor from Kayc to Marty to Nikki & everyone else has really helped me.  

I seem to do better some days & then it just hits again. I have had many dogs since childhood & Gulu was the 4th in our family, we still have 2 more with us. I really love all of them. But somehow Gulu became the closest of all & he still is. And Gulu too pulled me out of a very depressing situation too. He was always there for me, he was like therapy to me, no  matter how bad I was  feeling if I held him, or if he snuggled into my lap or by my side I felt good instantly.

What I have realized is that this is a tough journey & it will take time, to get used to or accept the "new normal" but knowing that you are not alone helps to a certain degree.

If there is a Pet Loss support Group in your area, do consider joining that. I dont have any such thing here in India but I have found out about another group in my city which is about general well being & I am considering trying it. I will also take my mother with me as she is going through hell herself. My close friends have helped me by being just there for me.

Marty gave a very helpful link in her last post in this thread. There are many links after that article too which helped me a lot. I go through all these whenever I can. They help me.

Why? Why Me? Searching For Answers in Grief ♥

  • Upvote 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you, Kayc and MyGulu for responding. I have wanted to write back for a while now, but just to sit down and address the subject is very difficult. I miss her so much and feel very saddened that her memory isn't as fresh. Her blankets and toys still smell like her. It breaks my heart that someday they won't and my memories will have faded even more. The very last thing I want is any more distance between us. 

kayc, I've had a couple signs that others assure me are visits from my Mom and Stella. You see, my Mother passed away one month and one day before Stella did. It's been a rough couple of months over here. But, I'm a bigger skeptic with the signs thing and need something a little more unmistakeable - like I've had in the past. And yes, it was just me and Stella for a long time so I was as attached as she was. 

My Gulu, it is nice to know someone feels as deeply for their pet and had that same bond as I do. I appreciate what you said about this tough journey, but what if I don't want to get used to the "new normal"? I'm just sayin... I don't like it. Thank you for the link.

Click here for cute (Stella) pug videos.

  • Upvote 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

OMG, so many videos!  I wish I wasn't so technology impaired, I don't have videos of my dog at all.  Those are great!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi Stelly4ever!! I am really sorry to hear about your mother. And I know the feeling of not being able to address it.

I watched the videos you posted & you wont believe there are so many similarities with my Gulu. The way they sleep while sitting, the way they eat, the way they played & called for attention & so many things. Gulu loved to roll in a pile of clothes/bed cover. Does Brie, Stella's sister also with you? She is such a nice kid too.

You wont like the new normal, I don't. And frankly, its just a new way of life & not everything about it is normal either. As time passes you have a little more control over yourself. For example, I could not concentrate on work at all. But I seem to do a little better now & again out of the blue one day, I feel so restless that I cannot concentrate at all. We are never ever ready for these little kids to go away, even if they are suffering. Just may be a little prepared. So when this comes on suddenly the shock takes over. Now I feel the same way that all Gulu's clothes/blankets/beds will gradually stop smelling like him, that his memory will not be as fresh & though he will always be in my heart, his presence will fade slowly. And I don't want that either but I guess that's just life. I just wish he could live a couple of years more.

I dreamt of Gulu yesterday but the dream was very nebulous - he was a little unwell but not bad. I so want to hold him again but I never can & that breaks my heart.

 

KayC - if you have a smartphone, taking a video is very easy, just a few clicks :) You can ask someone from your friends/family to show you that & you can take videos any time.

  • Upvote 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Stelly4ever, I am so sorry for your loss of Stella and your mother. It must be very difficult for you to go through two losses in a very short period of time...  Stella is adorable!!!  You have so many videos of her! I wish I took more videos of my Kura... I didn't have my iPhone until sometime last year and I wasn't able to take many. Only few I have are the ones my kids took. I still don't have the courage to watch them yet, though.

You said "It breaks my heart that someday they won't and my memories will have faded even more. The very last thing I want is any more distance between us." - I understand exactly how you feel - that's what I am afraid of now. It has been 3 months and 2 weeks since Kura passed, I am just beginning to feel my new norm, whether I like it or not...  I still have everything Kura was using just as they used to be, though, his feeder (I still change water in his water bowl every day), beds, leashes, muzzle, raincoat, and his winter coat that he wore on his last day... I bury my face in that coat every night to smell his scent. I sometimes think I should put it in a air-tight bag to keep his scent, but I still want it out to bury my face into it. I did put one of his blankets (he had many), the one he used on his last days, in a bag to store it without washing it, hoping to keep his scent longer. But I don't know when I will be able to put the rest of his belongings away. 

To keep his memories alive, I made his clone (it's a stuffed animal), which has been helping me tremendously. I have been taking him everywhere I go. I have been also joining the candle ceremony on petloss.com every Monday. I hope you can find ways to keep Stella's memories, too.  

MyGulu, I am sorry you don't like your new normal - it's different after losing our loved ones, isn't it? I've been so busy these days with many events; our weekend getaway and visiting families and friends for graduations, birthdays, and get-together... Although it seems I've been destructed with all these events, I had several occasions I broke down in tears while talking to families and friends, even at a restaurant! I feel bad because everyone becomes quiet for the moment, but they do understand. How is your mom doing?  

Kayc, I have been on a strict low-carb diet and have lost 10 pounds and my blood sugar levels have been between 80s - 90s most of the days! My latest blood-work came back normal (Plasma glucose 72, A1c 5.6) and my doctor excused me from being on meds!

  • Upvote 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Nikki,

That is great!  I changed my eating following a multiple medical diagnosis 1 1/2 years ago and my blood sugar went way down but then started going too low so I cut my medicines in half, and yes, lost weight, but it seems to have plateaued.  I've no doubt I'm a lot healthier now though!

  • Upvote 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi Nikki, good to hear from you. I am glad you are better health-wise. Keep doing whatever you are doing :)

I, like you, have kept Gulu's pillow in my bed. I seem to be more in control of myself though I break down every now & then. My parents went to the wedding (I mentioned earlier) & after returning from there, she seems to be a little bit more in control too. But she is not yet ok. I can see that. She seems to get worse if I break down in front of her, so I try to control myself in her presence.

A lot of things are gradually resuming to become a bit like before and that does not take away the emptiness or the meaninglessness of losing Gulu. I also try to keep myself busy. Although the distraction helps to a certain extent, it does not help all the time either. I constantly have the same fear with guilt - that one day I will become OK with the new way of life & Gulu will fade away, his memories will not be as fresh. It is of course different after losing one's loved ones as you said but then with the time we get used to the difference. I know this is life but it so harsh at times.

  • Upvote 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

On May 12, 2016 at 11:49 AM, MartyT said:

Pop cultural beliefs like these (negativity attracts negativity; positive thoughts bring positivity, etc.) can be so hurtful to us when we are struggling with significant loss, searching for answers, and trying to understand why bad things happen ~ and I think such popular (but unproven) beliefs only add to the guilt we're feeling already.

I share some of my own thoughts about this topic (along with the thoughts and writings of others I've found helpful) here: Why? Why Me? Searching For Answers in Grief  

Marty-I thought this was a great article. I live in Sedona, which is so filled with people who think this way and no other. One is just surrounded with this magical thinking that primarily begets blame. While I can hardly say, "Oh poor me-I have to live in Sedona", it is uncomfortable being surrounded with all this blaming. My dad really made it bearable for me to live here because I could be rather minimally in the community on short trips to the grocery etc, and then either go hide in my own little cave (my condo) or spend time with my dad.

I think the only way that "positive brings positive" works is internally, which is why we encourage positive self-talk. If you do a lot of positive self-talk, it leads to more positive self-talk and may make you feel more optimistic, but it is not a vaccine from bad things happening to you. Stuff happens for no good reason. I was late to work last Friday when that woman sideswiped me in the parking lot. But maybe if I had arrived earlier something worse would have happened. Who knows!

  • Upvote 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

On May 20, 2016 at 6:18 PM, stelly4ever said:

... I've had a couple signs that others assure me are visits from my Mom and Stella. You see, my Mother passed away one month and one day before Stella did. It's been a rough couple of months over here. But, I'm a bigger skeptic with the signs thing and need something a little more unmistakeable - like I've had in the past. And yes, it was just me and Stella for a long time so I was as attached as she was...

Stella is adorable. Pets can be such a comfort in the loss of a loved one. It is very sad that Stella passed away so shortly after you lost your mom. I don't know how I would have coped with the loss of my dad in January if it weren't for my Lena. It still has been very hard, but I seem to be moving through it. I hope you're doing ok...

  • Upvote 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

KayC, thank  you. It really is simple to take videos once you learn how. I recommend it, as I am very glad I have mine.

MyGulu, how interesting to hear the similarities between your Gulu and my Stella. I hope you enjoyed the videos and they gave you good memories. I don't watch them much anymore. It tears my heart out to see them. Although, sometimes I will "indulge" when I am missing that connection. I can almost feel it again when I watch the videos - especially when she's looking right into the camera.  Yes, Brie is still with me. She is a love and is helping me through this. I got her after Stella and so have only had her a few years. 

I was reading some of your ealier posts, and I, too, was positive Stelly was going to be around for a while longer. And I figured those thoughts would manifest into reality. But also, right when my Mom was at her sickest, I kept thinking, "At least I have my girls. At least I have my Stella. I am so grateful for her." And then, poof! She was taken away. Right after my mama. That's what I get for not living in fear and being grateful?  Truth be told, I'm pretty pissed off about the whole situation. Stella had the best food, care and SO much love. I had recently bought a Stroller for the girls because Stella couldn't walk as much anymore. So, I took them out on walks in the park. Stelly loved it. I planned my life around them. All of that was the least I could do for what she gave me. But, like you, because of all this, I just don't know what to think anymore. I've been shaken and things are NOT the same. 

I'm sorry you had a dream where Gulu was not well. Do you wake up feeling unsettled? I have not been dreaming of Stella. Last night I had a dream that I was learning how to play poker. I think I would have much rather my night time be filled with images of my girl. And about making it through the day without crying? For me, ha! If I cry a little less one day, I totally make up for it the next. But, keeping busy is a good idea. My apartment is pretty clean!

Nikki, thank you for saying Stella is adorable. Yes, she was freakin' irresistible inside and out. The vets even used to fawn (no pun intended) all over her. I totally get what you're saying about not watching the videos. As I said earlier, it's gut wrenching. After I read your post (a week ago), I put her things in ziploc bags. But, before I did, I smelled them. One of them was the blanket she was lying on when she passed. It smelled so much like her, I got sick. There's no way I could have something of hers on my bed. I would sleep even less than I am now. She passed on April 6, so this is all very fresh to me still. 

I was thinking of getting a Stella clone. I would actually LOVE one. Is there an artist you can recommend? Is yours a pretty good likeness? I still have many vet bills to pay from her, so it will be a while but I'd like to start looking. The vet gave me a good, clear paw print because I told them I was going to get it tatooed. And I am. I also have some of her fur. Can't look at that just yet.

Clematis, thank you. Yes, as I stated earlier, I really needed Stella to be there after I lost my mom. She was my saving grace countless times, but this was the most important. And am I doing ok? I don't know. I guess that's relative. Hey, we're neighbors, by the way. I'm down in Phoenix.

  • Upvote 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Since you are in Phoenix, I hope you are aware of the monthly Pet Loss Support Group that is held at Hospice of the Valley's central office. The facilitator is my dear friend and colleague, Mara Goebel ~ a wonderful person and a devoted animal lover, who is herself a certified pet loss counselor.

From HOV's website

Click here for flyer.

The Pet Loss Support Group meets the first Saturday of each month, 9–11 a.m. at 1510 E. Flower St., Building 1, Phoenix, AZ 85014Map/directions. For more information, call 602.636.5390.

For more pet loss bereavement support resources, click here.

 

  • Upvote 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you, Marty. Yes, I was considering going this Saturday, but need to find someone to watch Brie. Since Stella passed, her separation anxiety has gotten much worse. And she has a medical condition that requires me to keep her relatively calm. So, right now I'm not able to leave her alone. I had also thought about calling to ask if I could bring her with me in her stroller. In addition, I wasn't sure if I'm ready to talk yet... and I've got a lot going on and may need more than a group setting can give me. So, that's where I am with the support group in Phoenix.

  • Upvote 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...