I miss my Gulu so much it hurts

[kayc]

We may never know the "reason" (if any), for the loss, but we can find purpose through our grief journey.  It's amazing what I've learned on this journey, a journey that never ends.

Try not to be so hard on yourself, if oxygen would have helped him, it's the vet that should have thought of it, we trust them because they went to vet school, we didn't.  It's hard to even think when your pet is sick, all the more reason we rely on the vets to tell us what to do for them.

[Nikki D]

I want to share this very strange experience I experienced in the evening Kura passed.

I’m just going to copy and paste the paragraph I wrote in my post about a month ago. It’s my anger toward this particular vet. If you’ve read this already you can just skip this paragraph:

“1. Right after Kura’s passing, I was very angry at one doctor from our primary vet clinic who recommended us to opt out ultrasound (US) and instead suggested an exploratory surgery.  We agreed to her (we ended up not doing it) because at the point we thought that was the best thing since we didn’t really know what was going on…  If the “original” vet who actually found the tightness in his abdomen, took x-rays, found a mass and spoke to me on the phone earlier (she suggested US and FNA) was available to consult with us about our next step at the time of discharge on Friday Feb. 5th, she would probably have gone ahead and made an arrangement for US and FNA the next day or so. Then we could possibly have detected the problem earlier, before the fluid in Kura’s lungs and abdomen got out of control. The doctor who consulted us seemed as if she was fixated on doing the surgery - Saturday and Sunday we kept calling and asking if his fast respiratory rate and not being able to eat anything were something we should be concerned about. But all we got was the receptionist saying, “As long as his gums are pink and has no fever, he should be fine. I’ll let the doctor know…” And when finally the doctor called after 8pm, she suggested to increase the dose of pain medicine to see if that helps and she even told me that she re-checked the bloodwork result and everything looked fine for the surgery on Thursday.  Couldn’t she connect his fast respiratory rate with something might be going on in his lungs??? and perhaps at least offer chest x-rays? My husband and I are not vets we couldn’t tell what was wrong with Kura. We thought he was in pain. So we wasted the whole Saturday and Sunday, waiting and wondering. I even started to wonder if that doctor was just for money (the procedure estimate for the surgery she gave us was $3,440, verses US was $359 plus specialist consultation fee.) That is a big difference...”

 

And here is my strange experience:

On February 10^th, at 6:45 pm, exactly 12 hours after Kura was raid to rest, I was FURIOUS at this vet and the anger was eating me up. My husband had to work the night shift and he wasn’t home. I decided to send a group text message to my all three kids, let them know how upset I was with this vet, thinking that would help me to calm down. Literally, a minute later after I hit “send” at 6:46 pm, (I wasn’t losing my mind, I checked both text message and call history and confirmed it!) my phone started to ring. I figured it was one of my kids calling after reading my message. I looked at my phone, it wasn’t my kids. It was a local number, seemed somewhat familiar but wasn’t sure who it was, so I answered it.

You would NOT believe who it was… It was the vet I was angry with!!! The first thing went through my head was - “Did she read my message I just sent to my kids??? How in the world did she get it??? There is NO WAY she could read my message…” I started to freak out. Then I heard her voice in a very apologetic tone, “I am so sorry to hear about the loss of Kura… I heard the news when I came in today…”  That moment, I felt something cold and hard built up inside of me started to melt, from the top of my head down through my toes – like a sense of serenity… I felt the warmth. It felt like Kura was whispering through my entire body, “Mommy, you can let it go now…”  All my angry energy which could have caused me to start yelling and accusing her, or even hanging up on her, all of the sudden, melted away. I was able to listen to her calmly. She never mentioned anything about her diagnosis could have been a mistake or anything during the phone call but it started to seem it’s not a big deal anymore.

I can’t deny the fact that it still pops up in my head once in a while. But the degree of the excruciating anger I was feeling at first is definitely gone. I can say this much - I am not holding any grudge against the vet.

Dogs are all about giving love and forgiveness. They are so good at loving and forgiving. I wouldn’t doubt it was Kura who came to intervene that evening. Everyone makes mistakes. We are not human being if we don’t. Even doctors do, like kayc says, they went to school for it. It just happens. While I’m not sure that your decision actually led to cause Gulu’s passing, I’m sure Gulu wants you to forgive yourself as he already forgave you.

I know it's hard not to be hard on ourselves. We just have to keep trying... one step at a time...

 

[kayc]

Nikki,

I am crying as I read this.  I so wholeheartedly believe in forgiveness.  Elsewhere on this site there was a link posted to a forgiveness seminar, about nine days ago I think.  I completely believe what is said there, plus 13 days ago we had the exact same message given in a sermon by a visiting speaker.  It was everything I've learned in my lifetime on forgiveness and spot on.  Forgiveness doesn't mean what happened was okay, but it does release the associated person, and the person it most helps is, yep, you guessed it, you yourself.  

[MyGulu]

Hi Nikki - reading your post gave me goosebumps!! I am glad you have reached that place of some peace & acceptance.

What you & Kayc said about forgiveness is absolutely spot on but may be I am not at the place yet. But I do want to go there. Everyday when I wake up in the morning I wake up with a sinking feeling & I play the day's events when everything went wrong & how it could have been different with a positive ending & how I could have played a part in it. It takes time for me to shake it off. I know I cannot change anything but Gulu was such a special person in my life that having lost him like this has completely shattered me. My mother is equally broken. We are trying to distract our minds but something or even nothing brings Gulu's memories back. The silence of his absence is absolutely deafening.

Yesterday I forced my mother to attend a wedding to keep her mind off of Gulu. And I came to visit a cousin's place. Everything seems to help for a while before it hits it again.

[Nikki D]

MyGulu, I think it's good that you went to visit your cousin and had your mother attend a wedding.

In Good Grief, it states at the end of Stage 1, "To sum up: Be near the person and available to help, if everything breaks down, but normally do not take away from him the therapeutic value of doing everything he can for himself. This is what will help a person most to come out of his trance and "get on with his grief work", as Erich Lindermann say." (taken from Good Grief by Granger Westburg) 

Us going to places is not exactly the same as "doing everything he can for himself", but I think trying to go back to normal life as much as possible is good for us. I know sometimes I just don't feel like doing anything and rather stay home moping but that can not be healthy.  My husband and I are planning to attend a lecture (we've been studying American civil war) and visit a few battlefields next weekend. I used to enjoy reading, going to the lectures and battlefields but it all stopped completely after Kura passed. It has been almost 3 months now. I finally got in a mood to open a book to read again today, to prepare for the lecture. Not very much reading was done but getting into the mood was, I believe, a big step for me. And I am actually looking forward to this lecture and our trip. 

[kayc]

After my husband passed, it took me ten years to get back into reading and I used to be an avid reader.  I just didn't have the focus.  I'd start a good book and my mind would wander.

I'm glad you were able to go to some battlefields, it's good to do something enjoyable now and then.

[MyGulu]

Nikki, I am glad you have made plans to visit the battlefields.

I am still at my cousin's place & will return home tomorrow. My mind is off at times & I feel a little better even if its momentary. But I see Gulu's beautiful face every now & then & I suffer from a shortness of breath.

I realize the importance of going back to a normal life, to restore certain level of normalcy in my life & help my mother do the same. At the same time I know this is going to be a long & arduous journey. Gulu has taught me a lot of things - his warmth & love, the distinction between what is really important & what is not in our lives, the impermanence of everything in life...I want to always remember those, that's the best way I can ever honour him.

[Nikki D]

kayc, that is a long time it took you ten years to get back into reading.. Your journey must have been a very long and difficult one for you...  And Mygulu, I agree, this will be a long journey for both us, too...  I have been going through emotional up and downs, it's almost like bipolar... I am relatively in good mood the past few days and I think I know the reasons. One is (I know it's kind of silly) I ordered Kura's stuffed animal clone and I just received an email saying it's almost done. I'm so excited that it may arrive here in time for his birthday and I get to see him in "physical" form and hold him in my arms again!!!  And another one is when I was writing about my strange experience, it reminded me of how Kura wants to me to forgive (including myself) and move on... I've taken it as a reminder from Kura that he doesn't want me to stay sad and be happy. 

When you go home, you may start feeling sad again... When it happens to me, I read a card a friend sent me: "Try to remember the love received, verses the love lost... if you can."  I also read some poems I like. One is the one Merlin posted and another one is this:

"When you look into the summer sky I am there. When you look into the eyes of a true friend I am there. When you hear a song that touches your heart it is I. When you feel the sun on your face it is a million kisses from me. When someone calls you friend it is me saying those words to you.


Look into the night sky and see the stars twinkle back at you it is a message from me saying find joy, I want you to be happy and find laughter in your life. When you give to others you are giving to me and I am there. Let other's touch your heart because I am reaching out to you through them. When you let someone in you will see the joy of love and be forever with me. Love never ends. Here I am."

There are many poems here, too. http://www.griefhealing.com/comfort-grieving-animal-lovers.htm

[MyGulu]

Nikki - this is a very lovely post & beautiful quotes. I have returned home today & as I expected I got overwhelmed again. I was a little distracted when I was at my cousin's place as every nook & corner there did not have Gulu's memories...Its a different thing that I miss Gulu anywhere I go. Earlier returning home after spending a few days away, I always had Gulu to welcome me back. Wherever I had ever gone, I always knew that Gulu was there at home. More than once, I had to stay away for months on work assignments. Each time I missed that kid terribly but knew that when I got back he would be there for me. We shifted to this house end of December 2007 & Gulu came into our lives on 6th February 2008 - so during our entire stay here, he was there - so this home without Gulu is a very difficult place to imagine or rather get used to.

We become so dependent on some people & pets, for very small things or just their presence even if its miles apart, it may be just an emotional dependence & nothing more - that sometimes we don't even realize the depth of that dependence. So when we lose them suddenly its like losing our rock, we are caught off-balance.

Kayc - you took ten years to rediscover your passion...Nikki let us know how was your Kura clone I am trying to occupy myself with something or other too - I will frame Gulu's photographs soon - I am a little more ready to see his photograph & not break down.

[kayc]

I don't think I've ever gotten my passion back completely, it used to be art work, making cards, and I haven't done it for quite a while.  It's something that comes from within, but lately it seems I just make one when I need it, not like the days of whistling and humming while I worked.

[Nikki D]

Yes, I'll let you know how Kura's clone comes out. It's supposed to arrive tomorrow. I was so excited and had hard time going to sleep last night.

kayc, I remember you mentioned - we'll never be the same after grief, we'll eventually find our new norms. We may not ever enjoy things as much as we used to before. but I guess that's expected... This will be a tough journey... But I know this for sure, our love for animals will never change! 

[Nikki D]

Kura's clone just arrived! I posted the pics on my "A Letter to Kura" thread. 

[MyGulu]

My internet connection was having some problems & so could not post anything.

Its been almost 2 months since Gulu's passing away & I miss the kid like hell. I break down a little less than I used to but I still do. I am trying to figure out certain things.

If anyone can share their experiences on the following, it would be on immense help.

1. Sometimes when I share a light moment with a friend or a colleague, I suddenly realize that because for weeks I could not do that. I feel a pang inside me that whether I am leaving my Gulu behind by moving on a little. Is it normal or how do I deal with it?

2. My mother & I have been wondering a little whether to get another dog, particularly a pug. We do want it & at the same time do not want it either, due to the uncertainty of everything. Also, I do not know how long I will be with my parents & bringing another dog will add to their plate as they are growing old & we already have 2 more dogs & 1 cat as pets, & my father already provides food to neighborhood dogs & cats. Bringing another pug probably will help a little in easing our pain of losing Gulu. But does another pet ever fill the void left by someone as close as Gulu was to us? I do know that no two pets are ever the same & Gulu or anyone else is never replaceable.

3. I was cleaning the medicine cabinet today morning & I came across Gulu's meds & I felt this sharp pain again, felt the shortness & tightness of breath. We still have not been able to go through Gulu's clothes, those are kept in a pile. I am afraid of sorting through those as it will open the floodgate of memories which I am not ready yet. Does this get easier along the way?

4. We as a family had always had a sweet tooth but since that fateful day, we have not been able to bring ourselves to buy sweets for ourselves. I enjoyed doing certain activities which I have stopped enjoying.

5. I have not been able to sleep without mild sleeping pills everyday, the couple of times I did try to do without those I have not been able to sleep. I kept fidgetting going over things, crying - basically not sleeping. Is this ok? Am I going into depression?

6. I still try to figure out why this happened & this had to happen to someone so pure & good as Gulu & sometimes I just seem to go crazy. Do we ever find closure?

 

[kayc]

I am so sorry.

I don't think the depression symptoms we feel are clinical signs of depression, but rather, normal signs of grief.  Closure?  I guess that depends on what you call closure.  For me the missing them never goes away, but little by little I adjust to living with it.

[Nikki D]

I am sorry you are feeling this way.

About a month ago, which was "2 months" after losing my Kura (same time since you've lost your Gulu), I felt exactly the same as you are feeling now. I would say it was the HARDEST time... I think this is what is happening - At first, we are still under "anesthetic state", in response to our shock and are unable to grip the reality. Then as time passes, we start to realize this IS REAL (that our pet is gone) but have a hard time accepting the reality - This may be the stage you are at right now... I kept waking up (mostly with "what if" thoughts) with cold sweat every night. I wasn't able to flip the calendar pages (to next month) for a while because I felt like I was leaving Kura behind...I couldn't vacuum the floor because it felt like I was deleting his existence by sucking up his fur I saw still here and there around the house. I am able to vacuum now without feeling that way but I still have everything Kura used out the way they were, even his feeder station. I still change his water every day...

It was right around 2 months after Kura's passing, when the weather started to get warm, I started to feel more "depressed" than before. It was when I tried to vacuum the floor, I completely lost myself and frantically started to look for a help, thinking I might be suffering clinical depression. That was the day I found this forum and posted my first post. "Normal Bereavement Behavior?" which was dated March 24, right around 2 months after Kura's passing. So I think you are going through the same stage as I was going through a month ago. Like I said, it was the hardest time. This forum has been a huge help for me. I am definitely coming out of the hardest time. You asked about your feelings as normal, I think they are normal grieving signs as kayc mentioned. Marty said it was normal grieving behavior, too. My doctor (she is a family doctor, not a psychiatrist) wanted to put me on Paxil (anti-depressant) and gave me the prescription. Since I don't like taking medication, and it seems like I am not suffering clinical depression, I have decided to deal with this without medication (I still have the prescription paper in my wallet!) and so far, everything seems to be going well. My husband and I just came back from our first weekend getaway since Kura passed and I was actually able to enjoy attending a lecture, touring the battlefields, talking with rangers, etc... as I used to. We took Kura's clone with us. I think (and my husband thinks) his clone is helping me tremendously. I know it's kind of silly but having Kura's clone makes me feel like he is still here and I didn't feel as much guilt in going on our trip, I felt even a little happy that Kura can now come along with us, even to a hotel room and battlefields. I can not deny though there were a few times I felt sad and wanted to cry when I realized that the clone Kura doesn't move because he is just a clone, not Kura... but then I told myself, "Yes, he IS here with me no matter what, his soul is with me. And he is enjoying going all over the places with us." 

Many people who have lost their dogs told me that getting another dog helped them. I can agree with that but I still don't know if that's the case with me yet. Plus we have a conflict with that idea because we may have to move to Japan and getting another dog will make the transition harder for us. But for now, I know the clone is helping me. 

As kayc says, "missing them never goes away, but little by little", I, too, believe you will adjust to living with it. I am a month ahead of you and I am getting better. Getting on this forum, reading poems and writing poems myself, writing letters to Kura, breathing exercise, joining candle ceremony on petloss.com, etc.. (I am still doing all these) helped me specially during the time you are going through now. I hope you find something that helps you go through this difficult time. Hang in there! 

[MyGulu]

The last couple of days I have been coming & viewing this thread & unable to post anything as there is not much new to say. But today I am posting anyway.

Since morning I again started having that choking feeling. I felt the same helplessness I felt the day Gulu passed away & my inability to do anything about it & just watching him die. I have realized that Gulu is gone for real & nothing I do or feel will ever bring him back. But I still have not been able to accept the reality that I cannot hold him again or kiss him again or have him sit by my side or that he will never snuggle into my lap. I still feel guilty. I still ask why!! I keep telling that may be there was actually nothing we could do, there were no obvious symptoms & his seizures were under control but then there is this nagging feeling - what if I missed something.

I know death can be quite random & often we can do nothing but why is it of no consolation? I try to distract myself with watching a movie, reading a book - but its back to the same sense of loss & despair. I know people have bigger problems, there is a lot of pain around but this doesn't help. I feel the way I feel.

Gulu as a puppy was very active but as the years progressed, like other adult pugs, he used to sleep a lot throughout the day. He was not boisterous but his presence calmed me, brought peace to all around him. And his absence has created an infinite void inside me. Every nook & corner of our house seems to hold a memory of Gulu & the triggers are endless.

My mother is feeling the same, if not more & on top of that she has to sleep in the same room & bed where Gulu used to sleep. I try to help her in different ways but nothing seems to help. She has become very quiet, stares blankly often when in company of others.

I cared about the way I looked & groomed & now I seem not to care. I just put on any dress/clothes that is ironed & go for work or anywhere I need to. Life seems to have lost all sense of meaning. And doing something good for myself also brings back a sense of guilt that I did not do enough for Gulu & the fact that I can never do anything for him again prevents me in a certain way.

Sometimes I feel like bringing another pug, and then I realize that he cannot be Gulu & what if I compare him to Gulu all the time or worse what if he fills the void left by Gulu a little & will not that be injustice to my Gulu? Of course there are the other problems I mentioned earlier about bringing another pet.

[kayc]

I think when the time is right you will know and if you do get another dog, you will love that dog for who he/she is, rather than just comparing to your previous one.  My current dog and my previous dog are polar opposites!  I appreciate that Lucky was so well behaved and trained, and graceful, such a good girl!  I appreciate that Arlie is self-assured and has a mind of his own (like me), and enjoy my big boy, his Husky "talk", and beauty.  I couldn't be happier with him, yet that takes nothing away from Lucky and what a wonderful girl she was.

[Clematis]

The worst grief I ever felt from the loss of a pet was Mitten, a tuxedo cat with a little white triangle on her cheek-I loved that cat! But my allergies and asthma were betting worse and worse in spite of taking more and more medication, including steroids. I tried everything, including wiping her with Aller-Pet-C to reduce the dander and installing a screen door on my bedroom so that the air could still flow through my apartment, but she couldn't sleep on my bed, at night or during the day. I was faced with either ruining my health and bones or allowing Mitten to go ago another home. Mitten ended up with a family with two little girls; they were all grieving their cat Mittens, who had a very similar look and temperament to Mitten, and they were thrilled to get her.

Good for Mitten, but devastating for me. I not only lost her but was sure that I would never again have a pet. I didn't for 15 years! But then I had years of allergy shots, reduction of stress, a move from a very polluted area to a new home with clean air, and here I am with Lena. I still have a tiny bit of allergy, but we've been living comfortably together for 3-1/2 years now. When I had had her long enough to be sure I was going to be able to actually keep her-and be ok-I was so ecstatic I wanted to share her with the world, and so I have-she became a therapy cat and visits people who love cats but can't have one due to where they live. It's cool to be able to share her with some catless cat-lovers.

[MyGulu]

Hi Clematis, so sorry about your loss of Mitten. That you still feel the pain of having to give her away proves how much you loved her & still do. The loss of a beloved pet in any way is devastating to people like all of us here, for whom they are just a member of our families.

Glad you have found Lena now & your allergies are under control The work you do with Lena must be very fulfilling & bring lot of joy to the catless cat-lovers & you as well as Lena.

[MyGulu]

And your Lena is lovely, just beautiful          

[Clematis]

Thank you! You are right-I loved Mitten and it was painful to lose her. But to think I would never again be able to live with a cat was agonizing...If I learned anything at all from 15 years of pet-deprivation it is to not ever take any of my shared life with a pet for granted. Chances are that I will outlive Lena, but I will cherish her for every day we have together, and I hope there ore thousands of those days. If Lena is followed by another fur ball, I will do the same when he or she comes along. But Lena is only 5, and lots of cats, particularly of her breed (American Shorthair-and a black one), live to be 20 or so...

[MyGulu]

I do hope & wish that Lena stays with you that long.

And you are right about not taking these fur-kids for granted. I do not know whether I took Gulu for granted a little or not...I really loved him & enjoyed his company, his presence & everything about him. But I did not make a conscious decision about not taking him for granted. But one thing I can tell for sure, I was always grateful for his being in my life & that I am even now & will always will be.

After a really long time I went out with my friends for a day & though I enjoyed a certain part of it, but a major part of me kept aching for Gulu the entire time. I am trying to take one step at a time to restore some sense of the new-normal in my life but I guess the new-normal is still in a very nebulous state. I was going through his pictures yesterday, & the way he looked - he always looks very very innocent, pure & so dependent on us, that it broke my heart one more time that I can never take care of him again. I am scared of having another pet for now. Hope this gets over with time.

[kayc]

I don't know that you get over it but hopefully lessens a bit, for me, I've gotten used to my grief with time, it's more tolerable.  I can imagine if I lost Arlie, he is my life, and I imagine that's how you feel about Gulu.

[MyGulu]

I really hope Kayc that it does lessen with time. Because if I feel the way I feel now forever, its absolute hell on earth.

And it breaks my heart to see my mom like this, she had always been quite strong & now she is just a shell of her former self. She never had to take a sleeping pill in her life but now if she doesnt take one day, she is unable to sleep. Even with that, she wakes up very early every day. We had another dog, an off white lhasa apso, with whom my mom was very close. So was everyone else. His name was Gunda. But Gunda had been quite an independent dog, not like Gulu. He was diagnosed with pancreatitis when he was 8 years old & was under treatment for 2 years before passing away. His diet, his daily habits - everything changed during those years & when the attacks came he used to be in a great deal of pain. In fact, the last 2 years were a gift because a very good vet was treating him & we believe that an average vet could not have given him that extra 2 years. But those 2 years, I had a nagging fear that what would happen to my mom if he died!! She was so attached to him. When he did pass away, my mom of course grieved. Could not sleep in the bed she used to for a month or so but got over it gradually. May be since we knew that Gunda was suffering from an incurable disease made us a little prepared. We were in a better state to accept his death.

But with Gulu its entirely different. The suddenness of it hit us so hard that we are reeling under it. Also, Gulu's nature is entirely different. His dependence & inability to even fight for himself, his closeness to us, his lack of self preservation, his innate innocence - all these made him closer to us & us closer to him. He became the light of our lives, the source of so much joy & pure positivity, that his going away has created a black hole in our lives.

[kayc]

I think anticipatory grief is eked out a bit by bit, whereas unexpected grief is all at once.  Both are hard and the finality of death hits you regardless, but with anticipatory at least you can say goodbye, etc.

I'm sorry your mom is having such a hard time, that must weigh on you as well as Gulu's death.