I'm in denial about my mam's passing

[MariesGirl1953]

My beautiful, amazing kind hearted, joyful, bubbly mam *passed away* on October 28 last year. It will be six months on Thursday and I still cant believe its actually happened/happening.... I'll do absolutely anything to have her back, be with her or go back and change things. I know myself I haven't even begun to accept her *death* to me she is in the grand canyon in utah the place she visited with my dad and she absolutely loved it beyond words. I'll do absolutely anything to have my beautiful coreagous mam back I miss her beyond life itself and can bearly function through out the days..  I need her back to tell her how much I adore, love and miss her.

When my son does be in bed I sit and watch tv trying desperately to avoid the reality of this heart wrenching situation. My dad has her wedding & engagement ring. Since I'm an only child I think [and everyone in my family has said this too] that I should at least have her engagement ring. But my dad says its all he has left of her....

That's not 1 bit true he has so much stuff belonging to her, experience jewelry etc that he won't show me. All I want is one of her rings to wear around my neck on a chain.... He also has all of her money etc [that part doesn't bother me at all] im not interested in the money just how my dad is acting... I also know he is grieving but he told me he's gotten over my mam [his wife of 26 years!] And he's gotten over her!! He constantly gives out about her to friends etc that she never helped herself.. That's a LIE I saw how much pain she was in and she's under top consultants and I have also been to appointments with her. Including my dad. So I don't know what the **** he is talking about.

I always made sure she was ok and of I had have been there I know 2000% she'll be still here today... I love and miss her beyond words... I just want her back... I want to die and be with her.. I really really really do.

[MartyT]

My dear, I can tell you that wanting to die so you can be with your departed loved one is not at all unusual when coping with significant loss ~ but simply fantasizing or thinking about that is hardly the same as acting upon such thoughts. See, for example, Thoughts of Suicide in Grief.

Given your history of cutting and self-harm, I am concerned about you, dear one, and I urge you to find someone you trust who can support you (in person) through this loss of your mother ~ preferably a qualified professional grief counselor. While you are most welcome to stay here with us, your needs may exceed the capacity of a message board like this to offer the support you need and deserve. 

I must remind you (and anyone else reading this) that our site is not intended for individuals who are in crisis and actively contemplating suicide. 

If you're seriously thinking of suicide, read this first.  If you are experiencing serious suicidal thoughts that you cannot control, please stop now and telephone 911 or call 1-800-273-TALK (8255)

We care about you, my dear, and when we read words such as those you've posted above, we worry. We really really really do.  ♥

[kayc]

I want to offer my condolences to you in the loss of your mother.  I lost my own mother just 1 1/2 years ago.

I do hope you are seeing a grief counselor (a counselor that specializes in grief) that can help you through this.  If not, I hope you will google one or look in the yellow pages today and make an appt.  Most of us here have sought the help of a grief counselor.

I am sorry you are so conflicted about your dad's response to your mom's death.  Everyone does not handle grief the same.  Some try to block it out, some dwell on it, and there's everything in between.  I can't comment on your dad's response since I don't know him.  I do know that wedding and engagement rings are between the husband and wife and deeply personal.  My husband passed away nearly 11 years ago and I'm not letting lose of our bands!  I still wear mine, although on the right hand now because I had it resized and then lost weight.  I'm not letting go of his either.  When I die, my daughter is to have mine and my son is to have his, but not until then (unless I get dementia).  

I hope you will not act on self destructive feelings.  Although they are common to new grievers, it is important to give yourself time to work through the process of adjusting to your loss and it does take a lot of work, that's why we recommend enlisting the help of a grief counselor.  It's essential to give yourself time because your feelings can and will likely evolve as you go through the evolution of your grief journey.

 

[MariesGirl1953]

Hi Kyac and MartyT. Thank you both for your kind words, they really mean a lot. I hope you are both doing ok and I apologize for coming on here and moaning about everything. Some people have it a lot harder then I do. I know my dad is dealing with this in his own way - but for me its so so much harder and unbearable to accept. I never will expect that my mam is *dead* I just simply can't do it. I have been going to a grief counselor but as I'm going to the UK, London in about 5-6 weeks for a few days I want to save for that. I'm going to go back on the 23rd of May for a session before I head away on the 8th of June, then when I come home to Dublin, Ireland I'll go back to counsilling. I'm so messed up right now I just don't know what to do....

And MartyT thank you so very much for posting the articles. I had a look and will look again tomorrow for sure. I really appreciate it

Hope you are both well, I'm going to head to bed in a few, night night, sweet dreams xXx

[Thundar73]

1. Suicide is not the answer, you still have people who love you in this world, & imagine how sad they will be if you did it.

2. Did your bubbly mam have a funeral?  Usually funerals sorta slap you in the face to tell you that they are really dead.   My sister's wake did that to me.  I didn't believe my 10 year old sister was dead until I saw her in the casket.  That was a harsh reality check, & after that I refuse to look at anyone else in a casket.   1. Too morbid    2. I rather think images of them alive than looking at a bit of a different version of them in a coffin.

 

My mom didn't have a funeral, but I know she's dead because my dad wouldn't be breaking down crying every time I call him, and he wouldn't hand the phone over to my mum after we talk, if she dead.   So, I know she's dead.  She's not in Italy or Mars or Barcelona or got hired by the CIA for a job in Afghanistan.  

My mother is gone, she's dead, and won't ever come back.   She was my wind beneath my wings & I seriously think this government should focus on CANCER, than spending so much for conflicts & wars.

 

[MariesGirl1953]

Yeah. She did have a funeral, she looked so incredibly peaceful, but I don't think I can ever ever go through that process again. Having to see another person in a coffin/casket its too heart wrenching.  I couldn't go over to her... I couldn't do it, until my husband gently took my hand an walked me over. I also think what makes it so much worse is the room in the funeral home was huge and the coffin was placed at the very end of the room, with a table and a candle & a photograph of my mam nearly displayed on it. I couldn't bring myself to look at her. I couldn't do it. But when I did.... The amount of pain and guilt I felt for not being there with her will go to the grave with me.... I can't sleep at night because I keep seeing her the way I saw her in the coffin.... Yes she looked absolutely stunning and incredibly peaceful and pain free... But it wasn't her... It wasn't my mam.... She's still here.... I'm just waiting for her to come home or call or text me.... I constantly text her phone waiting for her to reply.... And I'm still waiting......... I'm sure she'll reply soon.

Also I have horrible intruding images of her last moments she is in pain and calling for me to help her.... Why didn't I just go down to her and my dads house? Why? Why? WHYYY???!!!!! If I had have done she will 3000% still be here today. She will. I know she will. She isn't dead, she just away on holidays somewhere.... I can't wait to see her

She lived in Wicklow for a very short time. She's originally from Finglas, North Dublin. She is my everything. Over 300-400 people came to her funeral and she had only known a handful of them for a very short time. [People in Wicklow] and she had hundreds of friends. That proves, that her outstanding legacy will live on forever...

My amazing, kind hearted beautiful mam, I love you beyond words and I miss you forever xxxxx

I can't wait to see you soon, so please come and take my hand and we can be together.... I love you my sweet angel xoxoxoxo <3

[Clematis]

Marie'sGirl-I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through. I know from my recent experience losing my dad and then my aunt that having family behave in a way that is hurtful makes a person feel much more alone. It's possible that your dad won't let go of the rings, but maybe there is something else you could have that was hers that he wouldn't be so attached to...like clothing? It is understandable that losing someone so close to you would make you feel lost and without purpose in life, and that may make you wonder how you can even go on in such a world-without her. I have had times when I felt like that after losing my dad, but even at the worst of times I have had some sense in the back of my mind that there was a way to go on and a path to some future, even if I could not see it.

I believe that is true for you as well. Your mam loved you and would want you alive and well. Sometimes you need to just keep putting one foot in front of the other and deal with one day at a time until you get through more time. Focus on the things you need to do to take care of yourself and your son. I know that you can't see anything  good in the future, but there just might be a future some day that you want, and it will be better if you are intact to live it when you get there-so don't hurt yourself! 

It's good that you have seen a grief counselor, and the folks on this site can give you some support and validation that can be very helpful. Sometimes grief groups can be helpful as well. Denial is part of the grief process, and I think it's hard to take it in that a person who has always been in your life-like a parent-is no longer alive in your world. My dad was cremated and the coroner brought his body back. I had seen him earlier in the day when he died and he never spoke to anyone again after I left. I think he waited until after I left-that happens a lot. I have had a lot of thoughts about what if I had done this or that, would he still be with me. To every one of these queries, everyone has told me no. It's just part of what you go through. I had a dream the other night that he walked in the door, and so I know that I am still dealing with denial, even though I mostly know he is gone. Just today I had an appointment for a hand injury with Mark, an Occupational Therapist whom my dad had also seen. I was talking about haw hard it is to accept, and was telling Mark, well maybe they made a mistake and it was really someone else who died and I'm just not sure how the coroner ended up with my dad's watch, which he handed me along with the urn of ashes. Mark and I agreed that my line of thought here was extremely unlikely. In my mind I am pretty sure that it really is my dad's ashes that are in the urn across from me, but in my heart and depths it is hard to take in. For me, it has been 3-1/2 months since my dad died and people keep telling me that is not really very long. They are probably right.

My aunt died shortly after my dad did, and there was an open casket funeral, which I found very difficult because it looked so much her and obviously was her, but at the same time it didn't really look like her. My mother did not have an open casket and so I didn't see her, but there was this shock of thinking, "My mother is in that wooden box-how can my mother be in that box?" I think it's really painful however the final details go and if there is a cremation, open casket, or whatever. The denial is just part of it, no matter what happens.

I think the thing that has probably helped me the most is that I have heard him talking to me since he passed. Also, I have been living in his house and I feel closer to him here. A lot of people do hear the person they loved after the person is "gone" and it can help. Everyone deals with loss differently and no one can tell you how to do it other than to stay alive, be gentle to yourself, be careful as you go about things, and take things one day at a time. Grief takes time, and people who say they are done with it in short order have not actually dealt with the loss. I hope you will take care of yourself, and lean on your husband, take solace in your son, and be easy on yourself.-Laura