My thoughts on life

[Thundar73]

Living until your 90 is just luck. Whatever you eat, or breath in, you're never THAT safe of something harmful entering you. Life is just luck to me. Exercising & being mobile is great, but, again, even a zumba class every day for 30 years won't get you to the age of 90. It's just plain luck.   You can be a vegan, & live in the most healthiest place in the world, as far as air quality goes, & you might still get hit with a disease.   Those are my thoughts while I ponder life after the loss of my mother.

[kayc]

I look at it like playing cards.  We all get dealt a hand.  We do the best with the hand we got dealt.  If we play it right, it helps us out, if we don't, it hurts us.  But in the end, you can only do as well as the cards you got.  In other words, it does help to eat healthy, not smoke, drink, or do drugs.  It helps to live as stress-free as possible.  They say married people live longer.  People with pets do too. But your genes are your genes and you can't change them.  My mom's side lives into their 90s, my dad's side has bad genes, so it all depends on who I took after.  I'm gambling that I took after my mom's side and counting on living to 90.  I don't drink, smoke or do drugs.  I walk twice a day, every day.  I have a dog and two cats.  I eat healthy.  The only thing I have going against me is my husband died, way too young.  That and I got enough bad genes to take more medication than I'd like to.

[Clematis]

I think you're right. My mother thought she had it made and would live a very long life because she didn't smoke and took reasonable care of herself, She lived until she was 75-refusing to ever exercise may have been a problem, but who knows. Her sister and mother lived to be 85 or more drinking lots of scotch and smoking. When my dad was 78 he declared with pride that he had lived longer than any male in his family ever had. And then he lived another ten years. Who knows? I think some of it is just dumb luck. I wish he was here. I miss him. But I have to get up at 4:30 in the morning to drive to a reservation to help some kids who have had more trauma and loss than I have ever had...

[Thundar73]

5 hours ago, kayc said:

I look at it like playing cards.

That's so odd Kay, I was thinking of typing something about cards first, but couldn't think up what you just said, so true. 

[Thundar73]

As you know, my mom died on the 15th, lung cancer, she was 74.  Her dad lived until 91, he was a smoker, but quit later in life like my mom did...her mom smoked too...but quit also, later & lived until 93, & she was the most stressed out emotional sensitive always fighting with my grandfather kinda woman....but she did love her terriers right up until age 91.

 

[Margm]

Thunder, my mom will be 95 in June.  When she was young her mom was sick all the time and the six little kids had the run of the country.  (Way, way out in the country). She and her brother would go up to the churchyard pre-school age and pick up "shorts" of cigarettes.  So, she actually started smoking when she was a child.  My sister still lets her have cigarettes each day (says they calm anxiety) but she has to be watched or she will eat them.  Strange, before Alzheimer's, she called cigarettes her friends.  I think she is held together by nicotine strands because she still smokes, and will eat them occasionally (makes her throw up), Alzheimer's is a sad disease.  All of her sisters lived up to edge the 90's and one lived over the 90's.  The men all died young though.  Sign of the times.  

[Guest]

I guess maybe I have 20-30 years or so left give or take,my mom was 70,my grandma and great grandma were 64,and my estranged fathers mom and aunt were both in their 60s as well.The men on my mom moms side live 80-90s .My grandpa is 92.

[kayc]

My family lives well into their 90s, it scares me that I might have to.

[Mom's angel]

My mother's granny lived a very long life, she died when I was 14/15 I don't remember. My mom's mother is living a good life but my mom died at 42. 

II wish to die young as living so many years without them.. It's heartbreaking. I want to meet her soon.

Life is uncertain, certain people do everything unhealthy and still live a long life while some even after having a healthy life dies earlier.

[kayc]

The one thing I know is our feelings can change, that's why it's important not to make big decisions in the throes of grief, we have to give ourselves a chance to process it and work through it.  I don't want to live long enough to get Dementia like my mom did, but I don't want to die anytime soon either.  88 sounds good to me, I don't know why except I'd like spared what my mom went through at the end of her life.  But on the other hand, we have several 92 year olds in our church in good health and clear vibrant minds, so if it'd be like that, I wouldn't mind.  I guess we don't get to pick and choose though.

[Guest]

I'm 41, with some health issues already,and I'd like  to go soon to,as much as I love my children.I know that might sound selfish,but I feel I've aged 20 years in the 6 weeks since my mom died.Ive had enough.

[kayc]

Of course you're feeling that way, you're in pain.  I'm just saying, that feeling could change someday.  Would you really want your kids to take your place in the mourning too soon?

[KATPILOT]

You know something Kay? My step mom passed at 95 and caring for her at the end was a bit of a challenge. I said to myself more than once that I hope I don't get that old. But! Something changed in me after she was gone. I remembered her smile. I remember talking with her about losing my dad (her husband) and my wife many times and now I miss that. I miss hearing her tell me over and over how lucky I was to have had her and all those times are gone now. She always had that smile even though her health was poor. Today all I want is that smile on my face when I am old should I get that far. We have such little time on this earth in the big scheme of things. Death is for a long, long time so what does it matter really? You might be really cool as an old lady and even effect someone's life. So Kristen take heart. Sorrow does bring those thoughts to us yet it will pass. Your children will help you realize how important your stay here is, if just by being your children. No one could have wished for death more than I. I don't feel like that now. I can't give you the date that changed but it did.

[kayc]

I hope when I get old, I give people (mostly my kids & their spouses) reason to laugh.  We all need that.

[Guest]

Kayc,your right of course I don't want my children to feel what I'm feeling.I question my competence as a mother right now to though.I no longer have anyone to ask for advice,with regards to parenting.I miss that.

Katpilot,it's Just a little over six weeks since my mom passed,and I realize that a few months down the road things will feel differently.I wish that I could stop thinking about my mother's last days in the hospital.I spent all week with her and she passed eight hours after I went home with my kids.I feel guilty that I didn't stay the night.I should have been there.The guilt is horrible.I know it serves no purpose but it just won't go away.

[KATPILOT]

Remember Kristin that they often go when loved one's are not present, a common experience with hospice workers. Your mom very well may have wanted to spare you the pain of that. Six weeks is so recent. The fact that she lived in your life will remain along with happier thoughts. I see that you know this truth. My dad died on my first wedding anniversary alone and his birthday is coming up this month. I'm going to go out to dinner and celebrate his life, grateful that he made it possible for me to have been part of it. I sure had a hard time doing that at first. I hope for you that that time comes too.

[kayc]

I was just about to tell you the same thing when I see Stephen already told you they often go when no one is there.  And she knew your place was with your kids.  

I think those that question their parenting are not the ones with problems but those that never think twice about how they parent, just a thought.

Oh geez, Steve, your dad died on your first anv. alone?  That must have been doubly tough!

[MartyT]

As Stephen says, Krisitn, hospice folks see this more often than you might think. Your mom may have wanted to spare you the pain of her dying in your presence.You may find this article helpful: In Grief: Coping with "Moment of Death Guilt"

[Guest]

Stephen,I am so sorry about your dad,no one deserves to die alone ?Yes,I've heard that even people in a coma from cancer like mom at the end can somehow choose to go when family isn't watching.I guess when mom went,the nurse who was changing her position said "this will probably be it",with my brother in the next bed and my sister in law just trying to get him into his wheelchair when mom took her last breath,even though he'd stayed by her side after we left for quite a long time.She had that type of personality,always worrying and looking after everyone.It makes sense that she was that way even in the end.

Thank you for the article Marty,I'm going to read it right now 

[KATPILOT]

Kristen just to clarify, my dad died on the first wedding anniversary of mine when I was alone as in without my bride for the first time. My brother was with my dad at the hospice home when he passed so he was not alone. I on the other hand had to leave for I could not bear to deal with it since death was so fresh for me. He died at 1 am so later that morning which was my anniversary, I made all the arrangements at the funeral home and left my brother and sister to tend to my step mom while I quietly went out to dinner by myself to have a moment thinking about my bride and how she chose to spend the rest of her life with me. A good friend and customer of mine found out what I was doing and met me at the restaurant thinking I shouldn't be alone. I didn't want him there but after a while I was kind of glad he came. It was the kindness of people that helped me through those first few months. You have to really care about someone to do what he did so Kay it wasn't as bad a time as it could have been. On my last anniversary I went to Maui to celebrate where Kathy loved being the most. I never once thought about my dad passing that same day. I don't give much thought about the day Kathy died either for those days have little meaning to me unlike the day she was born and especially the day she became my bride. By the way, Kathy died on my daughter in law's birthday so I try not to bring it up anyhow.  This may have helped how I perceive that day.

[DaughterOfAnAmazingMom]

I think genetics can play a role. My mom always used to say, "I'll die when I'm 80. All the women in my family do." That was pretty much the case! Grandma was 80, Grandma's mom was 80, Grandma's mom's mom was 80, Mom's dad's mom was just shy of 80, and her dad's sister was 80. The only exception I can think of is my grandma's paternal grandmother. She died in the 1920s at about 50 due to diabetes. (There weren't many treatments back then.) So I guess my mom is now the second exception, dying at 59. Both of my mom's sisters are in their early 60s and really solid healthwise.

On the other hand, the men in Mom's family all basically dropped dead waaaay too young. Mom's brother was 48... esophageal cancer. Grandpa died from the same illness at the age of 52. Grandpa's dad died of a heart attack when he was in his late 30s. Grandpa's brother was killed by a drunk driver at the age of 21. Grandma's dad died in his late 50s. He apparently had health issues related to his time in the trenches during World War I. It was assumed that played a role. My grandma's brother did live to be about 80. He was the exception there.

Then on my dad's side, his mom's mom lived well into her 90s and his half sisters (same mom) are both in their 80s and totally healthy. Grandma died in her 70s of a heart attack, but she was a heavy smoker and drinker. It definitely contributed. Grandpa also died in his 70s of a heart attack. Same lifestyle. He had five younger sisters and they all at least lived into their 80s. Two of them are still alive. One's 93! Man, this seriously sounds like a doctor-patient family history interview haha. I guess the point is that some families just have longer-lived people and some don't. There's got to be something at play there!

I just find myself hoping that I take after the long-lived females of the family. I'm scared I'll die of breast cancer, too. I guess I'll probably be more vigilant than my mom was since there was never any reason for Mom to be concerned. It wasn't in her family. But my risk is double the ordinary risk since my mom had it. I have a one in four chance of getting it. :/ I also find myself hoping that my brothers don't take after my mom's side of the family. I guess there's no use in worrying, but I don't want all of them to die before they're 60, as well. I guess I sort of like them...

[Guest]

My mom died from breast cancer to,after nine years of being in remission.I was supposed to have my first mammogram a few months ago ( usually they don't check women under age fifty here,but they will if you have a family member that's had it).Anyway,I'm terrified but I know I need to reschedule it.It wasn't in our family either.Im sorry you lost your mom to it.Its a terrible disease:(.

[kayc]

I have a friend who is a Stage 4 Breast Cancer survivor, the earlier you catch it the better...schedule that mammogram, for your own peace of mind!