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life after a mother dies


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Someone once told me earlier today life isn't the same after a mother passes away, is this true?     Things aren't the same now of course, but 5 years from now will things be different still?

 

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I think whenever we lose someone close to us it does change our life as we know it, forever.  Losing my dad, my mom, my husband, even the pets I've had, had lasting consequence on me.  Little by little I've adjusted to the losses, and I've learned to coexist with my grief.

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That's a good way to put it, I've told others they have to adjust to life without the deceased.  Some says it gets easier, I HATE when they say that because that's the way to say it.     It doesn't get easier, you're just adjusting to life as best you can without the people you lost.

 

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I don't think anyone can tell you what's to be expected as everyone's grief journey is as unique as the relationship they lost and their own personal coping skills and the grief work they put in.

I don't think losing a parent at an elderly age is quite the same as when you're young and expect to have them many more years.  In my mom's case, watching her waste away bit by bit, I realized it was time.  In my dad's though, I felt it was way too soon, he didn't even get to meet his grandkids.

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9 hours ago, Muir said:

They say when you lose mother you somehow lose your childhood and if you've lost both parents you feel like an orphan no matter what age they were when you lost them.  

 

 

This is true, at least I feel like that. 

Her not being with me kills me. 

It's like when they die our soul also dies with them and from that day onwards only our body functions.

 

 

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My dear angel, I understand your feeling that your soul died with your mother, because that is how it feels in the beginning of this life-long journey. But to think that you will feel this way "from that day onwards" is to condemn yourself to a lifetime of pain and sorrow. Think of how it would feel to you if your own mother had operated with a belief like that. Would she have been able to function as a woman and to mother you as her beloved child? Or would she have been totally distracted with the deaths of her own significant others and eaten alive with grief? Over time, this kind of hopeless, negative thinking (that your very soul died with your mother, and from that day onward only your body functions) can really drag you down, and I hope with all my heart that you recognize this as a temporary state of mind. I hope too that you are taking active steps to work through your grief and come to terms with the death of your mother. I say this not to discount or minimize what you are feeling in any way ~ I know this is how you're feeling now. But please know that you'll not always feel the same as you do today. As Kay says, little by little you adjust, as you learn to live with your loss ~ and sometimes the adjustment is so gradual and so subtle that you won't even notice the difference ~ unless you're paying attention. Grief changes as time goes by, and you will change right along with it. We often say that there is no right or wrong way to "do" your grief ~ but there certainly are healthy as well as unhealthy ways to deal with it. And the more we decide to do the work that grief requires of us, the sooner the pain and sorrow begins to ease a bit.   

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I've just read an article that I'd like to share with you, angel. Entitled Self Talk, it speaks to what happens when we listen to whatever we may be telling ourselves. An excerpt:

It is amazing the things ST [Self Talk] will tell us, and even more amazing how we start to believe it… and then of course, once we have bought in, our life begins to manifest whatever ST has been spewing. This destructive cycle begins with repetitive self talk that goes out into the Universe over and over. The Universe is benevolent, but it is also reflective. If we are continually engaged in negative Self Talk- at some point the Universe, regardless of how benevolent it is, has no choice but to deliver back to us, what we keep re-investing.

Read the entire article here: Self Talk

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  • 2 weeks later...

I understand but at sometimes such thinking seems so right and the thought of being well/okay without them feels as a heavy rock of guilt on our soul. Living a normal life without them seems so wrong, it feels like denying the importance of their existence. I'm not saying that during the past months I've never laughed or anything but it's the guilt feeling that comes immediately after the laugh. 

But considering what you said I'll let time do it's work and avoid such negative thoughts.

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  • 3 weeks later...

This is how I feel,that if I laugh,Its disrespectful to my mom.I don't know what normal is anymore.I feel bad for my kids,because I usually have a pretty good sense of humor,just like my mom did.

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I know how it feels.. Even dressing well and going out hurts. 

You said you have a good sense of humor like your mom, I suggest you not to stop. There are many things in my personality that resembles my mom and they make me happy because that way she is always a part of me, I believe they all watches over us and your mother will be happy as well when she'll see how you're making your kids happy and how brave and responsible her daughter is

I've faced many things just thinking about my mother's reaction to that action of mine.

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Thank you,mom's angel.I hope that she sees me and is proud of me.My ten year old son says I do remind him of her in some ways.I felt both proud and honored when he said that.I see that your mom was just a year older than me when she passed.You are so young,I'm so sorry?.My oldest is 18,I don't think he would be half as mature as you seem to be if I passed.Im sure your mom is watching over you,and is so very proud of how courageous you are,and how even in your grief you  are for reaching out to others and encouraging them to:).

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Thanks.
The things I say to people are those things that all the supportive and caring people here said to me. 
I've learned to support others from my experience here, sometimes I say stupid things too.

Living without my mom is the hardest thing to do. 
But I'm surviving just because of all the advice my mom used to give me.
I was a momma's girl and was glued to my mom all the time and so she always  worried about me and talked to me about how I should be brave and take care of myself and  everyone if she's not around.

The other reason are the signs I get.
I've always felt her presence and there were many signs that confirmed her presence around me. 

But I do miss her physical presence and I still need her.

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I hear you.I haven't seen my dad since I was 12,I've always been a momma's girl.We talked multiple times a day,asked each other for advice on everything,shopped together,etc.

She told me not to take on doing to much when she was in the hospital,but I feel it's my duty now.Im the oldest living female blood relative ,so it's kind of up to me to make sure everyone's alright.My 92 year old grandfather lost his daughter,he dosent say much about it but the pain he's in must be horrific.

i haven't gotten any signs from my mom yet,but I hope I do.That would be amazing.

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Pretty much like me and mom, we shared everything, I talked to her about everything even my clothes selection, now I'm a blunder at that.

My grandmother and grandfather had 5 children and they lost their second son and their youngest daughter many years ago and they were surviving somehow for their 3 children and out of them my mom was the youngest and she died at 42 . death of a child is the most painful and heartbreaking loss for patents, it is horrifying.

Our  beloved ones are always round us and they best knows when we need sign from them. I hope you'll soon receive a sign from your mother.

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Yes,the clothes shopping!.I guess I will have to ask my thirteen year old for her opinion now :).My grandpa still has my uncle,but they were never very close.My mom and my grandpa talked daily,she worried about him so.A couple of weeks ago,he found out that he probably has Parkinson's disease.I'm now trying to prepare myself for losing him soon,to.Even though I know that no amount of "preparing"will make much difference in the end.

 

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I have a friend that has had Parkinson's for years, so hopefully your grandpa will be able to live with it for a long time too.  I hope both you have your grandparents nearby, for their sake and yours.

It's amazing how much one can miss their mom, no matter how old we get, it's just hard.

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Thank you,Kay.Grandpa lives fairly close to me.Im thinking I might visit him for Father's Day.My mom did every single year.But I'm not sure if it would make him feel better or worse.I just want to make sure he still feels appreciated.

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I don't feel the same at all. It's been about six months now. I'm 29, and I'd imagine the next 50ish years (if I get them) will always include a gaping hole in my heart. I feel like as a woman, if your mom is a solid person, that will probably be your best relationship. I look at so many of my friends, and I see that, whether the daughter is married/in a committed relationship or not. It was there with my mom and me. I was closer with her than I am with my boyfriend! There's unconditional love and support on both sides. Your mom understands you more than anyone ever will. She knew you when you were just a growing parasite in her belly. ;) And as you become an adult, she can share things with you, like she couldn't when you were growing up. So, essentially, no one knows you or loves you better. And in many cases, you don't love anyone more than you love your mom. Throughout anything, she's there. She's also a counselor. She helps you through parts of your life that she's already gone through. Moms are especially important in that regard when you have kids. You can ask her for advice and she'll probably give it even if you don't ask haha. For me, knowing that I won't get to share that with my mom absolutely breaks my heart. I haven't had kids yet. I'm still a young adult. There are still so many stages of my life that she was supposed to be here for, that she was supposed to be around to guide me through.

Now I've got to live most of my life without the person I could always count on, who I shared the deepest connection with, and who helped me navigate my life. How do you get over that? You can't. You spend the rest of your life with a hole torn in your heart. It's just the way it is. You just have to find ways to honor your mom and to somehow keep her memory alive, years after she's left. You shouldn't feel guilty about smiling or laughing. The best way to honor your mother is to be happy. That's what mothers want for their kids, isn't it? My mom kept admonishing us to laugh and smile when we thought of her after she passed. Among the relentless sobbing, we have. It's hard, but if she's watching, it warms her heart.

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I just found out today that there is nothing to be done for my grandpa.The doctors say he is to old and the Parkinson's is to far gone to be treated.We just lost my mom,and soon my grandpa.I don't think I can do this anymore.Its to much.

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Kristin,

Try to stay in today.  Try not to think about tomorrow, it's too much right now.  Right now enjoy your grandpa while you can, time enough for tomorrow.  I'm sorry, I know this is hard, esp. following the loss of your mom.

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I called to tell him to stay in and not go anywhere on Sunday,because I have a surprise for him (my kids and myself) for Father's Day.I didn't tell him what it is though.Hes gotten much worse since mom passed.Hes lost his daughter,his best friend.Im not my mom,obviously,but I hope the visit will help.

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