How do you survive the suicide of your lifelong love?

[MartyT]

I'm so pleased to read your post tonight, Marita ~ I've been thinking about you all evening. I hope you DO feel heard ~ and understood ~ in this warm and caring place, and I hope you feel our collective arms around you.

How about taking a picture of your butterfly print cottons so you can show them to US? I know we would love to see them!

We know this is a difficult time for you ~ but you are not alone. We are right here with you, dear one . . .  ♥

 

 

[iPraiseHim]

On 7/16/2016 at 5:34 PM, Widowedbysuicide said:

I am fighting with myself.  I'm on that slippery slope of depression and on one foot my meds aren't enough.  On the other foot is the Ativan that brings relief but also the fear of addiction.  My son is away for a few days and previous plans (that I've been looking forward to for a month) have been cancelled.  I feel like crap.  All I want to do now is cry or sleep....

So, do I take an Ativan and just sleep, coast and cry?  Or do I loathe myself and my life and just continue with the physical pain and emotional sabotage?  Truthfully I would like to give up.

 

 

 

 

Ativan is not addictive.  I dislike taking any medicine but this one is an anti-anxiety type of medication.  Years ago, I was diagnosed uni-polar but there were no definative tests.  it helped me out of that dark hole and learn some new adaptive behaviors. Three months later, I met my wonderful wife and no longer needed the medicine.  My wife was puzzled because she never saw me have a down day.  I was happy to be alive and live each day with her.

When my wife died, I could only get two hours of sleep a night.  After two weeks, I was at a breaking point and someone in this group suggested that I go to my doctor to prescribe a pill that would help my mind to relax.  It was not a sleeping pill.  I followed the group advice and the doctor. 

In grief, it is crucial to get enough good sleep each night. It affects your health, mind, emotions, and your physical body.  be kind to yourself.  Grieving takes a lot of energy. 

Rest.  Recharge.  Feel the feelings and continue to move forward.     You are alive and here for a reason. Don't let the negative forces convince you that you don't.  Wright her or journal or find what you need to do to work through the grief.  Hold on and hang on.  In time, these intense emotions will diminish.  Praying for your peace and rest.  Shalom - George

[Widowedbysuicide]

I have come to the realization that I am grieving multiple losses.  

I know that losing Gord has been the most significant and traumatic loss I have experienced.  Because my life has been thrown into such chaos, my brain seems to be selecting 'old files' of death and losses not grieved.  If I am honest with myself I have to admit to stuffing my sorrows away.  My behaviour probably developed as a protection from the hurt of ridicule and jealousy on the part of my mother.  I wasn't able to express my feelings.  I wasn't sure how I was supposed to feel or act.  The nurturing, comforting arms were not there for me.  Early on I learned to suffer silently and that was how I've dealt with sadness, disappointment, and hurt.  

I remember I was in my 40's when I tried to express my feelings of wanting to be heard by my mother.  As usual she said I was being mean and bullying and I was being too sensitive.  

It is time to make time to feel what is hidden inside.  

[kayc]

Marita,

I'm sorry your plans were cancelled, that's really hard.  I know how important it is to have something to look forward to.  Perhaps it will be rescheduled or something else enjoyable planned, I hope so!

You are right in that you are grieving multiple losses, that is hard.  Keep taking care of yourself and take one day at a time, no more than that!

I'm sure the Ativan is fine short term, but if you're concerned about addiction, talk with your doctor about it and see if you can't come up with another plan that doesn't involve addiction.  Like Anne said, enjoy the sunset!  When George died, I had to learn to appreciate the "little joys" that came my way instead of having my "big joy" (him)!

[Widowedbysuicide]

Thank you Kay.  It is that funky time and it will pass, it's just so much harder this year.

[Widowedbysuicide]

It is September 8th.  My husband has been dead for 8 months.  That is the harsh reality.  

I'm Dumpty Humpty and the wall is narrow and far too tall.

I know I need to keep on living but I don't want to.  I hurt too much.  I'm overwhelmed more than I have ever been and I'm not dealing with it very well.  I want to run away or just find a place to crawl in a hole and let life do what it's going to do.  Feeling this way angers me.  As much as I don't want to feel like this I feel incapable of improving things.  The tiredness isn't about not sleeping it's about not wanting to be living my life right now.

Crying has not been something I'm comfortable with but right now I can't seem to get a handle on it.  If I had any idea of how long this current wave of tortured life was going to last I might feel some hope. 

There are to many 'to do list items' and its shutting me down from doing anything.  I need to tell some of my sewing customers that I'm running behind but I feel like such a failure doing that.  It's like using my grief as an excuse to do nothing.  I'm so frustrated and lost.  My husband was my hero.  He was wonderful when I became 'emotionally crazy'.  I don't know how to do this by myself.  I know I need help.  I don't want to go on like this.  Asking for help is like giving up control and I am so very, very afraid of that.  Maybe I need to take an Ativan and set my worries free for awhile...  Park myself on the couch and let the tv entertain me...  

[iPraiseHim]

Marita,

I understand your concerns.  Sometimes it is okay to just give up control and just let go of the control.  I am not saying forever but just for awhile.. You need to rest from the battle and just relax.  I really don't like to cry either but sometimes it is what is needed to release the grief and anxiety. I find myself welling up at night just before I'm getting ready for sleep the pat few weeks.  I realized today that I stopped writing in my journal to my wife (ie me) .  I stopped because I just didn't want to cry every time I journal-led to her. So actually I was hiding from me. I like to be in control but I discovered that I am not. 

It is okay to just stop, veg.  WATCH tv, ETC.  just give yourself permission to do nothing. I still have to take this grief journey one moment and day at a time.  I pray for the willingness to be willing to keep moving forward. 

I find my sleep, prayers, eating healthy, (review what am I thankful for)  and taking care of myself even when I don't feel like gives me the best opportunity to make it through the day. Search for what will help you.  I have found certain music really helps me to get my head and heart right to tackle each day.  I will keep you in prayer and sending (((hugs))) your way.   Shalom - George

[MartyT]

George, I love your response to Marita, and I pray that she takes your wise words to heart. Blessings to you, and thank you for saying all of that to her.

2 hours ago, Widowedbysuicide said:

I need to tell some of my sewing customers that I'm running behind but I feel like such a failure doing that.  It's like using my grief as an excuse to do nothing.

Marita, taking time to attend to your grief is a far cry from using it as an excuse to do nothing! Grief work is some of the hardest work you will ever do, and it takes every ounce of energy you can devote to it. You needn't tell your sewing customers that you're running behind! Tell them instead that there is some other work that you must do that is terribly important and pressing, that you can put it off no longer, and that it just has to take priority right now. If you haven't done so already, see Bereavement: Doing The Work of Grief.  Read over the many examples of what is meant by grief work, and pay attention to the suggestions for coping with the work of mourning.  ♥

[kayc]

Marita, I think of the crying not as a bad thing, even though it's not on our top ten list of things to do, but rather as the release valve on a pressure cooker.  I'm sure you feel like a pressure cooker right now, ready to explode, everything built up.  As George said, give yourself permission to do nothing, take some much needed time for yourself.  Call your customers if you feel the need to, and then spend some time on just you.

Going through this was the hardest thing I ever went through, but I got through the hardest part...living life without my George is not easy, but I'm doing it, one day at a time.  I still can't look at the whole "rest of my life", it invites anxiety.  You will make it through this, trust me, there will be plenty of time between now and then when you will doubt it, but you will.  No one can tell you how long it'll take, for me it took about three years just to process George's death, after that I spent time trying to figure out how to do my life without him...that's been an ongoing process, but I feel I've settled into a doable routine the last few years.

I'm sorry this hurts so much, I know it's hard.  

 

[seachelle]

Hi there, have you spoken with your doctor about your feelings that the antidepressant isn't working as well as it could?  Unfortunately, depression often comes with grief, so untangling the two can be difficult.  No amount of antidepressant can take away the loss.  Other medications can make you feel high so that you don't feel the loss as much.  However, if you don't think it's working, you may want to try a different med.  I had to try several before finding one that works, but I still get breakthrough anxiety and depression because that's life.  I think the best treatment for depression is behavioral.  Are you seeing a therapist?

[Widowedbysuicide]

I'm feeling a bit better since yesterday and I wanted to thank those of you who commented for giving me a much needed lift.

All the alone time in my brain is difficult too often.

BIG HUGS TO ALL

[Widowedbysuicide]

It was 40 weeks ago yesterday that I stopped being me.

The road has been rocky and not a very pleasant drive.  I know I never want to go through this again.

Thank you to all who have helped me here on this forum.  Some have done wonders in describing their own situation and others help in replying to comments or giving me reputation/hugs!

My walking group ends tomorrow but we all are exchanging numbers so that is good.  I'm the only suicide survivor.  I'm still searching for a person locally that has been in my situation.  It's important to talk to someone who gets the suicide part, for me it is.  Widow or Widower, we all have that loss of our partners that we can share.  I think I can empathize with those who have lost partners and are able to discuss how and when there like bed one passed, however; I find I need to talk about the 'event and method' of suicide and really have not been able to find a safe or comfortable place to do it.  I just wonder how other suicide survivors think and feel about this.

Take care all.  I am here in the boonies of the cold north country reading your comments and thanking you all for your comments.

Marita

[kayc]

Marita,

There used to be a person on line here whose partner commit suicide and she was very involved in that area afterwards, I wish I could think of her name because she (or Marty) might have an idea how to find someone local who has been through it.  or something.

[Widowedbysuicide]

Thanks Kay.

I am off to my grief walk soon  the temperature is cool, there is no wind, and the sky is clear and blue.  Perfect day for a walk on the nature trail.  I will try to get some photos of the area.  It is very beautiful.

[MartyT]

Marita, I'm not familiar with whatever suicide survivor support groups there may be in Canada, but this site may help you to find one: Canada Suicide Support Groups

Suicide.org also has launched a closed, private, and highly confidential online support forum exclusively for suicide survivors (people who have lost loved ones to suicide). Details are here: Suicide Survivors Forum

Lots of other resources are listed on this page: Grief Support for Survivors of Suicide Loss

[kayc]

I couldn't find anything yesterday but today it came to me, and I found her profile, Her user name is sunstreet and her real name is Carol Ann.  You could message her and I'd bet she'd have some information for you.

[Widowedbysuicide]

Thanks Kay.  I will give it a try.

[Mud_Puddle]

On 6/18/2016 at 2:10 AM, Widowedbysuicide said:

There is so much that I don't know and I'm overwhelmed trying to sort it all out.  I have a fear of becoming a bag lady.

There is no one to soothe my fears when I hear sounds outside at night.  I do not feel entirely safe in my house anymore.  When my son moves out I will be alone and I didn't not think I can cope with my fears.

My brain isn't functioning as well as I need it to.  There is no one to remind me to take my meds or eat properly.  I get frustrated easily.  My patience is being tested too much.  

There is no one to talk to about my concerns about my son.  No one is here to tell me that we will be ok.

My son is grieving the loss of his Dad and he wants to ignore Fathers' Day.  We have coped through my husband's birthday, Valentine's Day, Easter, my son's birthday, 36th Wedding Anniversary, and now Fathers' Day.  

My son and I are only children.  My mother is a narcissist who believes/claims that I am a very bad person and that I deserve all the bad things that come my way - I have moved from my home town to get away from her cruelty.  My father died 13 years ago.  My mother's relatives dismissed me many years ago.  My father's family is in Scotland.  My inlaws blame me for my husband's suicide. 

My panic attacks and depression are getting worse.  

This has been going on for the last six months.  2016 is not a good year.

 

My husband came home for lunch in April (six or seven months ago) and shot himself in the head. No warning, no signs, no nothing. I sold the house immediately. Every time I entered that front door, I became hysterical. Suicide is different. I've already learned that. I had a plethora of friends; after all, he was a big deal attorney and I was an author. All those "friends" except for five people have left my life.

I am currently living with a friend. I pay the rent and he makes sure I don't kill myself and that I eat at least once a day. I've lost 30 pounds. I scream in my sleep, and I talk in my sleep and I cry in my sleep. You're blessed to have restful slumbers.

I've tried a myriad of drugs (under the care of both medical doctors and shrinks) and yet they only stave off the inevitable pain.

I can't even write coherently, but I know this much: Suicide is different. It changes everything. Pre-April, I thought we had the good life. Now I am living in hell. I understand about being a bag lady. I often think about disappearing and becoming one of the homeless. I feel like that's where I belong now; living under a bridge with a few of my favorite things.

[Widowedbysuicide]

I'm so sorry for your loss.  Simple words with deep feelings.

It is good that you have a friend that is helping you at this horrific time.  I hope you will find that as time passes you will have more joy in your 'before' memories and are able to find a little more peace each day.

Suicide is very different.  I can not say it is harder or easier than losing a husband to a natural cause, disease, or accident because I didn't have that experience.  For me, when the 'why' became less intense some parts of suicide got a little easier.  I have been told that there will always be difficult times but the duration between those times becomes greater and the times themself are shorter and less traumatic.  @Mud_Puddle I hope this will be true for all of us who are suicide survivors.

[kayc]

I am sorry for what you're going through, and you are right that suicide is very unique.  I hope you're getting continued professional help with it.  Medication alone won't help.  I am glad you have a friend that lives with you and makes sure you eat, etc.  

I must say there have been times I've wondered what it'd be like to get on a bus and just keep going.  Having my animals has been a lifesaver for me, I have to take care of them and would never do anything that would hurt them, so I keep on keeping on.  And I've just experienced grief, not due to suicide.  I've seen the affects though as my friends' son commit suicide, I'd known him all his life, worked with him, that was really hard.  They had to get professional help to get through it.  I wish peace to come to you.

[MartyT]

I've just finished reading a book (just published) by Brandy Lidbeck that I think is well worth your time, and which I think you would find quite helpful: The Gift of Second: Healing from the Impact of Suicide. The author is a licensed therapist as well as a two-time survivor of suicide loss, and the founder of thegiftofsecond.com, an informative and useful website created for suicide loss survivors. Read more about her book here.

[Widowedbysuicide]

I am approaching the 11 month mark.  

When I feel bad, I feel more pain than I think I can take.  But, eventually that unbearable agony subsides to an aching heart.  I can't truthfully say that it has gotten any better because in those hours/days of despair I don't want to live.  During the rest of the time I feel incomplete and afraid.  

I guess that since there are less days of the agony and despair and more days that are tolerable it is better.  But, it has to get better than this.  To exist is not living.  I imagine that I might survive for another 20 years or more (parents lived into their 90's) and I really, really get depressed with the thought that this is as good as it will ever get.

Classes in mindfulness, yoga, reiki, understanding depression, and attending grief counselling is all very tiring.  Trying to manage 5 acres in the wet coast of BC is taking its toll too.  29 days of October we had rain.  This month we have had the wind and the rain.  I hope that we don't get snow.  My tractor is still broken.  All I seem to do is tear open my heart and my mind to try to make sense of who I am and what I am doing.  I'm working really hard and I just hope I will find something to help me keep taking that next step forward.  I don't feel the good feelings of life and I am discouraged with nothing to look forward to.

When I come here I can 'spill'.  Then I can digest what I've written and try to find my way.  Comments are gratefully accepted and help me to feel less alone and less like I'm adrift in the ocean of grief with no hope of any kind.

 

[MartyT]

This is an outstanding presentation on After A Suicide: Surviving A Suicide Loss. 

[kayc]

Marita,

You are putting a lot of energy into your grief work, and that's what it takes...it will get better for you, being as you ARE doing your grief work.  But it will not ever be the same, nor will you.  I can honestly say I've adjusted as much as possible.  My life is not and never will be the same.  In the earlier days I was frantic, did not see how I could live another 40 years without him.  I made a huge mistake, I tried to rebuild my life by remarrying.  That works for some, it sure did not for me!  I realize I was not only trying to put my life back together again, but trying to circumvent my grief in the process.  Guess what, grief doesn't go away, it's still waiting for you when you come to.  I married the worst possible choice because I was still in a fog and he preyed on me...he was a con that used my credit to the tune of over $50,000.00 (it'll be about $120,000.00 by the time I pay it back with interest...until I'm 80).  All of the advice they give about not making major decisions (I would change that from one year to 2-3 years)...I blew it.  In the end, I've realized that I can never rebuild the life I had with George...there IS no other George, no one like him, no love that exists like ours, it was unique and to say it is special is an understatement.

I have learned much through all I have gone through...mistakes and all.  I've tried to warn people away from the devastating mistake I made.  At least perhaps that can bring some good out of the bad I went through, and continue to go through as long as I'm still under these financial constraints due to it.  At least it won't be all for naught if I can spare one person from doing the same.

I've learned that not only a person can't escape the grief, but it takes great time and effort just to process it!  It took me about three years to process his death...even though I remarried and went through hell there, I was still grieving...that doesn't go away, in my case it didn't even take a break, regardless of my intentions.

Part of the reason I'd wanted to "build my life" with someone was I'd watched my mom go through this.  She lived 32 years past my dad.  She built her life around us kids and grandkids, always wanting us to come see her, call her, etc.  Nothing we did was ever enough.  It was a lot of pressure on us.  She drove all friends away so she had no other life.  I did not want to do that to my kids.  Not that they'd let me.  My kids would in no way come to visit me every week or listen to me on the phone as often as I did her!   I needn't have worried, I raised healthy independent children, although caring, they do have their own lives.

I've learned to build a life for myself that does not involve a relationship, and I'm good with it.  I still have my relationship with George, dead or not.  Our love still exists.  He is still the one person that knows and understands me best...and I him.  

I've done grief counseling, posted here, wrote him letters, done art therapy, read books, watched videos...yes, it's a lot of work!  Yes it's exhausting!  I've cried buckets of tears and lost more sleep than I could ever have imagined.  I don't cry often anymore.  I'm used to this life now.  It's not the wonderful life I had with George, that's gone.  But neither would I describe it as "just existing".  I can't tell you how long it took me to get to this point, it was so gradual as to be almost imperceptible.  Perhaps it was after I retired and had more time for self-care.  Perhaps it was when I accepted life alone, over six years ago.  I have learned to appreciate what IS rather than focus on what ISN'T.  That made a huge difference to me.  I've practiced prayer and meditation, which has brought peace and calm (I'm by birth a person with anxiety).  I've tried to stay in the present rather than take on the whole rest of my life which is overwhelming and invites anxiety.  It doesn't come natural to me, it takes effort and persistence, I continually work at it, but that's okay.  That's what I have my time for...my life is about learning and growing.

I also worked hard at developing purpose in my life.  My life with George seemed rather effortless, perhaps although we put in great effort it seems effortless merely because we WANTED to and enjoyed being together so much and CARED about each other so much!  It's unlike any other relationship I've ever had or witnessed.  The purpose I've developed in my life now was not happenstance or effortless, it's taken concerted effort.  There goes that "a lot of work" thing again.  It is, but it's worthwhile.

You are on the right track, keep on keeping on.  Take a break now and then to rest from the grief work, then you'll be more ready to go at it again.

[Finch]

Hi Marita,

 

Sorry that the feelings of incompleteness are so overwhelming and contributing to the lack of purpose you are feeling. I'm glad that you can look back on 3, 5, 7, 9 months ago and see some overall reduction in the frequency of pain, if not the intensity and profundity of it, and maybe use that to funnel into some hope or optimism for the future. And taking things minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day etc. Much like your plan of no plan over Christmas.

 

I hope you find a way to get your tractor fixed. That's a nice horse you have there.