If You're Going Through Hell

[Margm]

I guess that is also a phenomenon.  He never got old, to me, even at 75, his beard was almost white all over, but to me he was the 20 year old that I married.  He was a few days from being 21, and the people I knew, they got old.  Billy didn't.  Now he never will.  

[TomPB]

Susan had a little indentation that ran from the left side of her nose to the top of her left eyebrow that I always rubbed while I was rubbing her forehead, which she liked so much.

[Margm]

I just deleted my humongous "word salad."  What it amounts to is I do not understand life or death (though I should.) and seeing the faces of all those people killed by that deranged man made me think, someone, some loved one will again be hit by that Mack truck when they have to claim the body of the loved one.  Billy and I, we both figured we were covered if the other one left, but even at age 75, "leaving" was not a great concern, only our next great adventure.  Billy took that great adventure by himself this time and his prophetic words of "if you die, your pain and suffering will be over with and the pain and suffering will be left to the ones who love you.  We still owe $1800 for my mom's death.  Her cremation and burial of ashes are taken care of but now we have to pay succession.  Did not have that in AR.  I had signed everything over to my sister and she cannot move on  until the money is paid and she did not have a safety net, so hopefully at tax time I can take care of this.  She is not well.  

I remember a young woman writing in to this forum, but she disappeared and I don't go backward in time or reading the written words.  (Unless it is a book).  Her husband had been murdered and she could not claim the body and her children had to see him later in the morgue under bad conditions.  What a legacy.  Not their fault.  I don't know where she went, she disappeared.

My neighbors, mine and Billy's age +/- a year or two, when I pass by their door coming from the washateria/laundromat, he or she is yelling at each other.  Long ago married, grown children, they yell at each other, harsh words, terrible words, but no cursing.  I think Billy cured me of fussing with him.  He would not speak to me for days, so we just didn't fuss, or we argued and got it over with.  Both of these people can get around but both are seriously ill also.  A big man with a big voice.  Small woman, bad heart, holds her own.  They seem such a bother to the other one.  I just want to tell them to shut up and be thankful they still have each other.  I'm not supposed to judge people.  (I still do it though).

Well Billy, I don't understand this lonesome life you left me with.  Our son will be down today to stay a few days.  He misses his dad so much.  The lovable mom is no longer here.  I still have the love circling around me somewhere, it just cannot reach my heart.  I don't understand this world, but I never did anyhow.  

ADDENDUM: I know it is still long.  I am suffering from not being able to write on Facebook.  All the people I grew up with want to fuss politics and I hate politics.  Besides, I am a maverick, I don't believe like most of them do.

[Gin]

Been fighting with sciatica.   Can barely walk..have to lean forward a lot.  Record rains here and just looked and the basement is flooded.  Son-in-law goes in for  surgery early tomorrow.  Am on Tylenol 3 and do not feel well.  I can not even think of anyone that could help me.  Afraid to go into basement because I am not sure what is plugged in down there.  I have to get an MRI this week.  I am so very tired of the pain and problems.  It is such an effort to even get dressed!

[MartyT]

I'm so sorry, Gin  ~ Thoughts and prayers are with you . . . ♥

[kayc]

Gin, is there a company in your area that can come pump the basement out?  They'd have to turn off the electricity first so they don't get electrocuted.
I'm so sorry about your pain, I know all too well how it can eclipse everything else.  I once had to go to the doctor in my robe and slippers, I was too week to get dressed, they took me in at the back door (I had Pneumonia).  Who says you have to get dressed!

[Margm]

Billy has one sister left.  She lives in NM and we used to go visit at least once a year.  I have known her since she was 16, when Billy and I got married.  I have not been able to talk to her or to my friend who got Billy and me together.  My kids have kept in touch with them.  I could not talk to them.

Today, in a shaky voice, I called both of them.  I just could not talk to them before now.  They understood and we talked and talked.  I don't know if I feel better, but I certainly feel like something was lifted.  I don't know what.  I will be calling them again.  I did not cry any.  

And, I must have caught my traveling bug, the hitch-itch I used to have.  Thought about moving to Wyoming.  Now, that would probably cause a stir.  I know I cannot do it but I did look at apartments online.  I cannot do it, am going to just do my traveling through C.J. Box's books about Joe Pickett the game warden in Wyoming.  

And for those interested, Longmire comes back November 17th (I think).  

[MartyT]

4 hours ago, Marg M said:

And for those interested, Longmire comes back November 17th (I think).  

One of my very favorites, Marg! 

[Margm]

Mine too.  I saw the preview and they have to pack a lot in because this is the last season.  I hate that.

 

[Margm]

I think I have found a medical practitioner smarter than me.  I sure like her.  Young girl (of course they are all young girls to me.)  Only thing is, I just went in to get my BP medicine refilled.  Damn woman had me get on the examining table.  Yep, my feet were swollen, I knew they were.  Not supposed to be sitting at computer so long with them hanging dependent.  I have my grandmother's legs with prominent veins.  I know you call that something, but I'm retired.  Also fluid in my lungs.  I'm not gonna look that up.  I knew I wheezed occasionally, but thought it was fluid drainage from my autumn allergy, always have it.  No fever.  Gotta go in for blood work in the morning (just had it a year ago), and she will get it from that doctor's office.  Then have to go back in a week.  I told her Billy had "fell through the cracks" and she said she was not going to let me.  I told her I would just as soon she let me, I was fine with that.  Nope.

Got my flu shot, got to get the pneumonia one.  Flu shot always makes me "puny" so I fell asleep in the chair and again, Billy was on the couch.  I got straight up, but a few tears.  Why not come to see me on the 16th, he left on the 17th.  I don't like meeting him this way, it hurts, and I had some scar tissue building.  

[scba]

On Sunday, October 15, 2017 at 8:29 PM, Marg M said:

And, I must have caught my traveling bug, the hitch-itch I used to have.  Thought about moving to Wyoming. 

I understand. I have been not seriously thinking to moving to Madrid or Bath (UK).

Why You want to move to Wyoming?

[Margm]

Well, I guess this is our second Angelversary.  No cake.  

[Margm]

12 hours ago, scba said:

Why You want to move to Wyoming?

All of C.J. Box's books are located there.  I travel there each day.  Kinda afraid of a Louisiana flatlander fighting 90 degrees weather acclimating to 10-12 inches of snow or more and below 0 temperatures.  I noticed in summer their temperatures get into the 100's.  I will stay with my mudbugs, crawdads, crawfish.  

[brat#2]

Sending you hugs Marg

[TomPB]

6 hours ago, Marg M said:

Well, I guess this is our second Angelversary.  No cake.  

So sorry Marg, I can imagine. I'm already dreading 3/31/18. It's a beautiful sunny day and without Susan I feel like I'm the proverbial dead 🐼 walking.

[MartyT]

Marg, my dear, please know that I am thinking of you and your beloved Billy on this special day of remembrance, and holding you close.

[Gin]

Marg,

Thinking of you today.  These days are so hard for us all.

[scba]

Marg, my thoughts are with you today

[Margm]

Gin, sure hope you are feeling better.  

[Gin]

Marg,

Sciatic pain is bad.  Going for MRI on Thursday.

[Margm]

May have mentioned it but they said I had fluid in/on my lungs.  Not too sure about that.  I knew when I take a deep breath sometimes I will wheeze, but no pain, no pleurisy, some shortness of breath (but only with exertion) and I think I have gained 34 pounds in two years, so that does not help.  Blood work today.  Will check that next Tuesday.  I know the blood pressure medicine I take is doing no good, but that goes along with the weight.  Will just wait and see.  Hope you get help with your back, sure limits everything.  

[kayc]

I'm glad you're getting it checked out, Marg, and I hope they give you some relief.  I go in for my first blood work in three years.  My insurance would not cover it so the only thing I've had tested is my A1C because I couldn't afford to pay for the rest.  Not even sure what the doctor has ordered.  Ugh, I hate fasting!  Don't mind skipping food, but coffee!!

[Margm]

All my blood work was okay.  Can you believe that.  Anyhow, got a lot of walking in today and she told me to walk five times a week.  My granddaughter said "she does not know us does she, ha?"  Gotta do it.

[kayc]

I walk my dog twice a day, every day, whether I'm injured, it's icy, pouring rain, or what.  My doctor said whatever I do, don't quit walking.  I figure she thinks I'd expire on the spot if I did, so I keep walking.  It may be all that's holding me together.  Besides, it makes us feel better.  It's amazing to me what I notice on my walks that you don't notice if you're driving.  Deer.  A caterpillar, a snake, birds, animal interaction, all kinds of plants, changes.  The county could use me to report when the blackberries are taking over the road, they don't notice but I do.   

[Gwenivere]

Kay, I miss walking so much without so much pain.  It really helps and I sure see that now.  What frustrates me is I didn't choose this, it chose me.  I was active my whole life up to the last year and a half.  I watch people walking and envy them now.  I do what I have to to get around but lord it hurts!  I'm glad you can keep it up.