If You're Going Through Hell

[Cookie]

On 11/1/2017 at 10:18 AM, kayc said:

Marg,

You are a dear.  I wrote off all of the "friends" that weren't.  When George died, I figured it wasn't about them, it was about me and what I had to live with and when my "friends" disappeared, two of my best friends not even bothering to attend his funeral, others with their hands out...what??!!!  But you, you are considering their feelings.  Twelve years later, they're long gone.  I want friends that are reciprocal and caring, where we can BE THERE for each other.  Otherwise, I'm not interested, don't waste my time.  I've always been that friend to others, I expect nothing less in return.  I wish you well, you're a very caring person.

Loved that Marg about being on different sides of the bridge.  You are a poet, did you know that?  Hey, your country looks like my country here in Western North Carolina....beautiful!

[Margm]

1 hour ago, Cookie said:

Hey, your country looks like my country here in Western North Carolina....beautiful!

It is beautiful, it was beautiful, as long as Billy was there.  Then it suddenly lost all the orange, red,  mauve, green, and became like an old yellowed picture and I ran away from it.  Back in Louisiana where this flatlander belongs.  (Bet my neck is redder than yours).  One of our pastors moved back to his old home in North Carolina and he and his wife built a roughed out house that is beautiful, overlooking the layers of the mountains.  My cousin is buried in Wilmington.  His wife remarried soon afterwards and married a man with the same first name.  I always found that was safe and very convenient.  And Thanks Cookie.  

[Gin]

I am a bit anxious about seeing a neurosurgeon tomorrow.  I cannot imagine that it would ever be a good thing.  I have had this sciatica for over 4 weeks and been confined to the house.  I need Al's walker to even get around the house.  I am hoping it will be injections and/or physical therapy.  The pain is getting a little better, but not much.  I was used to going out somewhere every day and hate this confinement on top of the general miserableness of missing Al.  It sounds like classic sciatica...in one buttock and down that leg to foot.  Had a back XRay and MRI.  Will get the verdict tomorrow.  Had to cancel everything ....foot doc, eye doc, book club, grief group.  All I do is NOTHING. 

[MartyT]

[Margm]

I hope I did not bring people's feelings down if you watched Joan Didion's documentary.  You see, I tend to see pictures and I forget we all get old sometimes.  I really never was old before Billy left.  He would never admit to getting old, so he didn't.  I sure miss that boy.  I had to ride up I-49 today and for some reason I saw us riding 49, I remember that was the last lab jobs he worked on and I can ride all the little back roads but the interstates just really make me depressed..  Coming home as soon as I crossed that Louisiana border I hit highway 2 that goes straight across "my" country and I settled down.  

Bri's trip to the gastroenterologist was a bust.  Went 109 miles for them to tell me they did not accept Medicaid.  Her primary made the appointment.  I said "so, you are refusing her care."  "Oh no, we are not refusing her care."  And they weren't, but I don't have the kind of money for a first visit with a gastroenterologist.  I called a few people.  I don't understand Medicaid and my insurance won't let me put her on it because even though I have had it for years, it is a secondary insurance and the &^^^$%^&*^%^ Medicare has to be the first.  She is a student, I will go talk to someone..........whoeverthehell that might be.  I will find out.  This was a mistake by her primary.  Can you believe it?  Medical care makes mistakes.  I should not write when I am angry.

[MartyT]

[kayc]

16 hours ago, Gin said:

I am a bit anxious about seeing a neurosurgeon tomorrow.  I cannot imagine that it would ever be a good thing.  I have had this sciatica for over 4 weeks and been confined to the house.  I need Al's walker to even get around the house.  I am hoping it will be injections and/or physical therapy.  The pain is getting a little better, but not much.  I was used to going out somewhere every day and hate this confinement on top of the general miserableness of missing Al.  It sounds like classic sciatica...in one buttock and down that leg to foot.  Had a back XRay and MRI.  Will get the verdict tomorrow.  Had to cancel everything ....foot doc, eye doc, book club, grief group.  All I do is NOTHING. 

Gin,

We've noticed your absence, but I'm sorry it's for this reason!  Let us know what you find out today.  I hope you can read or watch t.v. at least...getting engrossed in anything to take your mind off your pain. 

[Margm]

Did I miss Gin's reply somewhere.?  Still waiting on GI doc for my granddaughter.  I called the place they had referred her to and yes you will believe this........they said their fax machine had been down for two days.  Whatever happened to the telephone and email?  Then I called Louisiana Medicaid and will go there tomorrow.  My daughter called the GI doc that is located where she lives, only 175 miles from here.  Gotta put on my big girl panties..........I already have a bunch of them, red, black, pink, scarlet, purple (of course) and some white ones.  All big girl panties cause like Eleanor Roosevelt said "you do what you are afraid to do" and she had big girl panties too. (Unless she wore men's shorts.  Hey, no one ever knows unless you have a wreck or pass out.

[kevin]

Sounds like you found Bull Dog pills, good..........Big girl pants, squeaky wheel, and your Southern tenacity will get your granddaughter the attention she needs...Patient Advocates are so necessary, and we will all need one at some time ...Good work Marg

[Margm]

(Dave) "So this week has been hell for me. I took Wednesday off, as that was her birthday, but I've essentially been a wreck the whole week.

Thanks to all of you for a place to come when things like this come up. No one else understands except those who have lost THE ONE PERSON in their life that mattered most of all." (Dave)

Somehow, I seem to have had all the time in the world to prepare to lose Billy, we had 54 years, but my magical, imaginative world could not be taken away from me.  I never thought we would lose him.  I had escaped death's grasp twice, he had once, we had nine lives.  I even imagined us escaping death by running away in the RV.  I hated to lose my magical imagination, but Billy was my magical imagination, and now I lost him and it too.  How naive, how really totally ignorant of me to think I would go first.  The only time I remember thinking of either of us leaving was living between the two mountains in Arkansas.  We lived there only four years.  One time the winter left us without electricity for over a week, 40 miles from any town.  Billy was the mountain man he always wanted to be.  House was on a hill and he had to go down to the pond to get water to flush commode out of the super clear pond.  Being a mountain man was brutal as he slid on his back all the way down to the  pond.  We had had an ice storm with snow over it.  You could open the door and hear the loud gun cracking sound of limbs breaking on the trees in the distance.  We moved.  Only time I imagined being left without Billy.  I knew I could not live there if he left.  Neither could I live where we had lived 10 years. 

Not being with her Dave, I know it has to haunt you.  That first year I was haunted by my anger at Billy for giving up, and it haunted me constantly.  My last emotion to the man who was my best friend, the most important person in my life was anger.  I have had two years to forgive myself, and I don't know if I forgive myself, but I can now put it out of my mind (unless I bring it up like I am doing now).  In my mind it was unforgivable.  I hope he understood.  I was not going to let him leave.  He did not listen to me.

So, maybe with time you will gather that invisible scar tissue.  I really think I would go stark raving mad if I could not put it out of my mind.

I worry about Gwen, Gin, and my young lady we have not heard from, I think lives out of Phoenix.  She was helping her son and grandson.  She had lost her daughter and her husband in close proximity.  

My heart is with you.

 

[Gwenivere]

4 hours ago, Marg M said:

So, maybe with time you will gather that invisible scar tissue.  I really think I would go stark raving mad if I could not put it out of my mind.

The problem I am finding is there is never enough time to really develop an effective scar tissue.   Just when I think I might get some time and respite, something happens to me or someone else, ripping it away.  It's a life now with a wound that will never heal.  

Last night was a dream where Steve was in our bed and said I kept making excuses to peek in to see if he was OK.  How I wish that was a reality.  Another morning of the scab gone immediately.

[KarenK]

Marg,

Thank you for referring to me as a "young lady". It brought a small smile. I am but your younger sister at age 70. I don't know how I got this old. I felt it somewhat after Ron left, but losing Debbie was the kicker, I guess. I am certainly a bit slower, dizzier, and less sure of myself than I was 4+ years ago. A week from today represents my 45th wedding anniversary to be celebrated in my mind alone. I will get through it as I have done before.

My son,grandson, & I are still struggling along in Scottsdale looking online for a place in the mountains that will fit us and 2 large dogs at a price we can afford. Now that winter is upon us, it will be difficult to move. We hoped for Colorado, Montana, or Wyoming but prices are too steep for our meager funds. 

Dave,

My heart goes out to you. I wonder if there will ever come a time when the guilt each of us feels will dissipate. I guess we must just accept that we did the best we could under the circumstances, whatever they were.

This new life we are all living is difficult, to say the least, and filled with trials and tribulations we are ill equipped to handle. I cried at the song Janka posted "My Heart Will Go On". Yes, my heart goes on, but truly has no reason to.

[Margm]

Karen, my memory has never been the best but sometimes a name will escape me for 5 seconds, I will call NCIS, "NISC" or I will pronounce a name of some movie star like it looks and my granddaughter will giggle and try to make me remember it.  Nope, not straining my brain unless I want to.  I call Gwen Stefani "Stephany" like it looks to me and of course that makes my granddaughter make me say it right.  Funny, she sits around three boys from my home town and she knows exactly where they are from cause they all sound like me..  I told her they are probably her cousins.  

Gwen, I don't think we are going to find a cure.  I rely on symbolism in my religion, which is mine alone, and I have a cross at the end of my bed on the other wall.  Each night I pray to Jesus and of course I wind up talking to Billy.  Neither of them answer me.  Finally, i just tell Jesus it is okay for him to listen in because the help I need from Billy I need from him too.  And, I still wear my mustard seed necklace.  I don't think of the scar tissue as anything but invisible webbing in my head and there are a lot of webs in my head.  No magic.  

[Margm]

I was just reading part of Brandy Halladay's eulogy for her husband Roy Halladay.  I don't follow baseball or any sport anymore really, used to read up on all the players for all the sports (except basketball) and would share bits of personal information about the players with Billy.  Made the sport more interesting for me too.  I remember starting by studying Nellie Fox of I think the White Sox when I was a sophomore in high school, a few years before I met Billy. Billy played 2nd base also and batted left and threw the ball right.   It seemed it helped me like the sport better, poetry, books, everything else, if I read up on the players, writers, etc.  

Brandy Halladay and Roy Halladay  had been married for 21 years when he had his plane crash, last week I believe.  She said things I wished I could remember to say, or if I say them, wish I could remember I did say them.  

"I’m not sure how to be me without him,” Halladay tearfully admitted. “I didn’t know how big my heart was until I felt the amount of hurt in it with him gone.”"

I think she said it all, just in those words.  She said more, but that sums it up.  

[kevin]

Marg, that sums it up pretty good.....Doc Halliday was outstanding person and great pitcher in both leagues...The community leaders echoed the same feelings Brandy spoke at the Celebration...I think he might have been 42...what a loss

[Margm]

I am going to put this here.  I know one topic is grief and fear.  I'm sure I wrote something about fear being like grief just before I took my Xanax because I was so afraid, earlier on in my grief, (probably yesterday).  I was reading C.S. Lewis quotes and know I have put this before, but hey, I read it again, did not take a Xanax this time, but it is still true.

“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing.

At other times it feels like being mildly drunk, or concussed. There is a sort of invisible blanket between the world and me. I find it hard to take in what anyone says. Or perhaps, hard to want to take it in. It is so uninteresting. Yet I want the others to be about me. I dread the moments when the house is empty. If only they would talk to one another and not to me.” 
― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

I think that part about "I find it hard to take in what anyone says.  Or perhaps, hard to want to take it in, it is so uninteresting.  Yet, I want the others to be about me."  That size fits me.

[Gwenivere]

In my experience grief is filled with fear.  They are hand in hand thru my process.  I conquer one thing and another comes along.  Always reminding me I am alone now and that is where the fear comes in.  Not in my abilities, but can I keep trudging thru day after day knowing this reality. 

Marg, I have taken Xanax since 1990 because of my anxiety disorder, bug never....never has it been so challenged as it is now.  I used to take my meds on scedule and lived a pretty normal life.  There is nothing normal about this so pthey barely get me thru the day.  My brain says. I am stronger than this.  But I have met the enemy and it's bigger than me.  

[Cookie]

I had so much fear and anxiety in the beginning, but even after 2 1/2 years it still cycles around, but not so constant.  I really hate it....takes me back to my childhood.  Wonder if one is ever free of it....Gwen:  The enemy is pretty big for me too.  Just when I think I'm going to master this (being able to stay in neutrality), here comes the old fear, anxiety and then sorrow quickly followed by depression.  It just cycles and cycles....that is what is so tiring.  Hugs to you...Cookie

[Margm]

Gwen, Cookie, just going to the grocery store, the clouds were hanging dark and angry (we have a cold front coming), and I cried.  No reason except I talk to the fluffy white clouds, Billy's beard was nearly white, I see him in the clouds.  He wasn't there.  No reason, just out of the dark clouds, I cried.  Not an every day thing.  He wasn't there.  He isn't here.  I don't know where he is. It was a nothingness I don't like, but should be familiar with.  It is not like this all the time.  I do have some web-like scar tissue covered mind moments.  

[Brad]

My confidence is severely shaken and I’m certain it’s from the grief (fear). I now second guess everything. I make plans and the closer they get the more I regret having made them in the first place. I always enjoy myself when I’m traveling, but I always come very close to canceling. I’m going through this right now with arrangements I’ve made for the weekend. I hate being at home, alone; but right now it sounds better than going hiking with a friend, spending Papa Moosie time, or going to Newsies. 

[Margm]

I could not go to our  Christmas get together.  I just plain do not want to go.  I know it is seeing friends I might not see again, but I don't want to do anything but what I have to do and that is all.  And, I can go places Billy and I did not go, but I cannot travel our same route, and the closeness of his belongings does not bring me relief, they mean he is not among them.  Just like the clouds.  And the other day I almost felt like Billy helped me.  I know, imagination, but I wanted it to be so.

[Gin]

When ever I was cold, Al would tell me he would use his Armstrong heater.  Then he would put his strong arms around me.  I am cold and there is no Armstrong heater for me.

[Margm]

You know Gin, I have this book I have mentioned at least 20 times written by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.  I tend to read up on authors of such books to see if their feet have been put to the flames.  If they have not, well, I feel they might not understand.  I have not read Dr. Wolfelt's history.  The man speaks to me.  The book is "Grief, One Day at a Time."  It is one of those books next November 21st, I will read the same thing I read tonight.  If I am alive then, somehow, I feel I will need it just as bad.  I think you are ill, I think a lot of us are ill, and there is no pretense to it.  People tend to follow their mate often, because we are older a lot of times, a lot of times I think we die of a broken heart, at least one that doctor's cannot mend.  I am going to write what he wrote for the 21st this year, next year, and the next, if we are still here.

"When one is pretending, the entire body revolts."  Anais Nin

Now this is Dr. Wolfelt talking:  "Our grief is wily.  It will try every means possible to get our attention.  If we're ignoring, denying, or postponing our grief, it will often turn to our bodies as a means of expression.  It will literally make us sick.  Aches and pains, viral illnesses, autoimmune diseases, even cardiovascular and other systemic troubles often arise when we're not giving our grief the attention and expression it needs and deserves.

My body's health is, in part, a reflection of the health of my mourning."
Actually.  I don't know how I could give my mourning any more attention unless I shut myself in a room somewhere.  Sometimes I wish I could do that.  I cannot.  What I have will get me eventually, but like the poet said........I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep, and miles to go before I sleep.  RF

Billy once told me when I had cancer "if you die, all your worries will be over and the problems will be left with the ones who love you."  He was right.

No answers here, I just try to weave more web scar tissue around my brain, but the pain never leaves.  I hope you find some artificial warmth tonight Gin, you need to stay warm.  You need to take care of yourself like Al would if he could.  Billy said "I am you and you are me."  So, if that is so, maybe he is with me.  I wish I could feel his warmth also..  

 

[Gwenivere]

Good post, Marg.  I've never been more sick or restricted since Steve died.  Yes, I am 3 years older, but so many things hit at once and quickly.  The problem is the depression sucked any motivation to address them all.  My life would become a professional patient and many of the treatments might help, but still leave me alone and sad.  After having been a caregiver for 5 years, it's impossible to think of more medical stuff.  And where to begin?  Each day one or another takes center stage.  I think if I fix this it might help, but then the next day I feel that about something else.  The docs don't understand at all my lack of wanting to do thier tests for further help.   The only doc I really would like is one to help with the depression and in 6 months i have found no one to help.  No one is accepting new patients.   And I wonder if the only want to escape the horrid depression is more pills that mess with your brain chemistry.  I trust the Xanax, but these antidepressants scare me.  I'm already on a low dose I take just avoid withdrawal.  It talked to 3 people that conquered it without meds.  The thing was.....they found meaning and renewal.  The very thing that my foe does not offer.  

[Gwenivere]

18 hours ago, Brad said:

My confidence is severely shaken and I’m certain it’s from the grief (fear). I now second guess everything. I make plans and the closer they get the more I regret having made them in the first place. I always enjoy myself when I’m traveling, but I always come very close to canceling. I’m going through this right now with arrangements I’ve made for the weekend. I hate being at home, alone; but right now it sounds better than going hiking with a friend, spending Papa Moosie time, or going to Newsies. 

I can certainly relate to the beginning of your post.  I hope someday to relate to the end as I find it so difficult to connect with people in the here and now.   So many things they are doing the gives meaning to thier lives.  Thy haven't  lost the core of that meaning. I hear my husband this or my wife that.  All I can do is talk from memory.  It's not my ' first rodeo' with this, but tomorrow will be no seeing Steve doing his turkey thing all day.  Just a Thursday night like any other eating alone.  Don't even know what.

hope younhave a good hike, Brad!