If You're Going Through Hell

[Margm]

3 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

And I wonder if the only want to escape the horrid depression is more pills that mess with your brain chemistry.

I think I typed a patient that took over 30 different medications.  Can you imagine the cost for a fixed income patient.  I was so happy when I would type a doctor that commented the patient was on polypharmacy.  So, the new medication gives you a headache, okay, give something for a headache, and it causes nausea, give something for nausea, but it causes diarrhea, so give something for diarrhea, and patient is having dizziness, give medicine for dizziness.  I was so happy to see doctors examining medications the patients were taking.  In the realm of psychopharmaceuticals, my daughter has diabetes, admittedly caused by a medicine that had that side effect.  Now she checks her blood sugar all  the time and they just gave her one of the medications that is advertised on TV that "might" have any one of these side effects.  She quit taking it.  My daughter takes a gallon size zip bag full of medications.  I'm sorry, Xanax takes care of all my ills so far.  I'm satisfied.  I worked harder today and I am sore, harder to get up and around, but I can anyhow.  My daughter said she had a pain pill if I needed it.  Not for me.  

[scba]

4 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I hear my husband this or my wife that.  All I can do is talk from memory.

 

Yes, Talk from memory....and it's so Unfair and painful

[Gin]

It is so hard to deal with stuff when you are grieving and having to do things unfamiliar.  I had to deal with my son's issues today, get virus protection for the computer, find somewhere to get physical therapy and deal with the sciatic pain.   I put off XRays until tomorrow.  Al should be here beside me.  When you are alone, you second guess decisions you make.

[Margm]

Gin, I am having to handle business on the house I lease.  They are wonderful tenants and have made so many improvements, I want to ease the house over into their names as an assumption.  Lots of things that were done wrong (by loan company), and I got so frustrated on a 3 way call with people I completely lost it.  I was very unprofessional and told them what I thought of them (I know Mama, you get more bees with honey), but I told them they had a terrible reputation with the BBB.  Anyhow, I missed Billy so much and I just took a Xanax.  Then I got to thinking.  All my Billy would have done is sit across from me on the couch and let me handle the business anyhow, but he had a calming influence that Xanax does not duplicate, but it was better than nothing.  

Good luck with your back.  My daughter has had this also, but she was in her early 40's.  Things are not as easy as we get older.  And as far as doing things.  I just jump right in and forget I cannot swim.  Good luck my friend.  

[kayc]

Gin,

That's a lot to handle in one day, I'm glad you put the Xrays off until today.  Yes, we can second guess our decisions, but they would have supported us in our decisions so I guess that's a role we have to take over too...supporting ourselves.

Marg,

I still need to learn the catching more bees with honey, I'm not a "honey" person.  Especially when someone is arguing and not listening and not letting you accomplish what you need to.  I've been fighting with doctor's office and trying to get the straight scoop from the insurance company for two months now!  It's maddening!

I, too, miss George's supportiveness.

[Cookie]

On ‎11‎/‎27‎/‎2017 at 9:58 PM, Gin said:

It is so hard to deal with stuff when you are grieving and having to do things unfamiliar.  I had to deal with my son's issues today, get virus protection for the computer, find somewhere to get physical therapy and deal with the sciatic pain.   I put off XRays until tomorrow.  Al should be here beside me.  When you are alone, you second guess decisions you make.

Gin:  I hope I can give you some hope.  I had a terrible back injury about 20 years ago.  It went on for 3 years with no diagnosis.  They finally told me there was nothing I could do and to just take antidepressants and learn to live with it.  I was so depressed.  I had tried everything, but, of course, I had my wonderful husband here to keep supporting me, saying all would turn out okay.  I had sciatica down both legs that never stopped, sharp shooting pain day and night.  What finally worked for me was Bikram's yoga, the hot kind.  It took a year of doing it every day.  I am not suggesting that is what you need, but only saying that it is true when it seems like there is absolutely nothing that will help, sometimes there is; it just takes time to find it.  I'm kind of leaning on that idea in terms of wondering if this terrible grief-induced pain I'm in will ever smooth out...my John would say it would....we'll see.  Anyway, I'm wishing a resolution for your back pain and I know it is so hard to go through alone....take care, Cookie

[Gin]

Thanks, Cookie.    I started Physical therapy today.  She massaged the really sore areas.  Of course it hurt  more when I got home.  I guess that would be expected.  I will try this for  awhile an see if it helps.  I have exercises to do at home, also.  It sure made the world of difference when Al was here and by my side.

[kayc]

Cookie, I appreciate your response to Gin, so perfect, pointing hope, not telling her what to do, just understanding. 

Gin, I really hope the PT helps you.  You're right, it sure made a world of difference when they were by our sides.   (((hugs)))

[kevin]

Gin, the physio will work, did she give you any stretches or easy exercises? Some of those therapists have magic fingers        I got frustrated just down loading some Documents the other day. The Bank or my printers program didn't mesh and I went in circles for hours.....Finally shut everything down, unplugged, started over 20 minutes later...everything was fine but now I have sore neck from the self imposed tension.....I still take too much Advil but it gets me through.............Wet and Cold now, need Sunshine......Jim Nabors passed away..RIP

[Margm]

Your a good guy Kevin.  Cannot discuss politics, so I will just say I wish we had Justin Trudeau.  Seems like a human and I come from the time of Pierre and Margaret.  

Somehow, I think this grief trip not only took away memory, concentration, but also took my sunny disposition away.  

[Gin]

Kevin,

PT gave me 6 exercises to do at home.  Most are stretches.  One reminded me of what you said about pointing the foot.  They are still hard for me, but I am committed to fixing this!  She did a lot of massaging today and used a heat pad.  

Glad you got your computer to do your bidding.  I fought with mine yesterday installing Norton.   I always enjoyed Jim Nabors.  Missed him a year  or so ago not singing at the car races.

Marg,  my sunny disposition flew away with yours!

 

 

[kayc]

Well, golllo-o-ollly!!  Gomer Pyle...those were the days!  Things were simpler.

[scba]

Dear Gin,

I have had serious issues with neck pain, nothing seemed to fully help. Massages did for some time, then the pain came back. I discovered yoga, it's not my type of excersise, but after a year of practise I felt an improvement. I know, a year seems too long when you're in pain, but with yoga I felt a difference. 

I tell you, you don't need previous experience nor to be flexible. I am not flexible. But somewhow it has improved my quality of life in terms of neck pain. 

 

 

[Gin]

Thanks, Ana.  Yoga seems to be recommended a lot.  I will keep it in mind.

[Margm]

I wake with an alarm clock now three times a week so my granddaughter can be taken to school.  She is scared to drive and  can you believe that fear has sometimes edged into my own mind. 

What I wanted to write was how nice it was to not wake up with an alarm clock, but something strange has been happening.  Not just once.  I wake up when the kidneys say "wake up now!" and then I go back to bed.  Each time I do that must be in a REM sleeping stage because Billy is in my half-sleep dreams.  I cannot remember what the dreams are about, not pleasant enough to keep asleep and I slide out of bed.  (Notice, I did change from "jumping" out of bed.)  In all these dreams he has a loose button up, short sleeve shirt,  a yellow and brown plaid shirt.  He has never, to my remembrance wore such a shirt.  He always wore pullovers unless he had to dress up.  I think in my deep sleep that I must not dream.  Now, in the light sleep I dream, remember some of it, but not really the content.  Whatever it is, it is not pleasant enough to stay in bed.  That shirt bothers me.  (I have a lot of things that bother me more than that shirt).  

Kind of personal what I deleted.  Absolutely troubled by the way things are happening now in the world and wonder next what famous person will be brought to task for things they have done, men and women.  I was lucky that I had strict, really Christian parents.  They had their share of fusses but they tried to make us live right.  As soon as I graduated I wanted to hit those exciting lights.  Got married instead.  I got the best end of the bargain.  Sorry for many women and men who had to grow up with secrets that were never talked about.  I do get tired of hearing them and I guess I still have some old fashioned ways.  Some insane too.

And, all I was going to write about was the alarm clock.  

[kevin]

I grew up, the only boy with three sisters.....My Father always worked steady, and my Mother also once the kids were in school....I don't remember any strange goings on except the Heavy Duty social drinking when I was older........But no sexual abusives with any relatives.....I didn't even know about Gays/Queens/ Bi until I was 17......I was very sheltered or closed minded in my thinking....like one of John Mellencamps songs.........Marg, you can have Trump, piece of work....

[Margm]

17 minutes ago, kevin said:

.I didn't even know about Gays/Queens/ Bi until I was 17.

I'm older than you Kevin, but I might have heard things about people that were just "different" when I was older than 17.  I did not know a male or female had a choice until a close relative told me in my 20's that she thought she was lucky, she got to choose which side she wanted to play for.  

I watched a movie last night I had waited awhile for.  I knew it would be one Billy would have loved.  It was on the Wind River Reservation in Wyoming and was pieced together, I believe, from true cases.  Billy loved the C.J. Box books and though this was not from one of his books, the setting and the hero, a wild life officer, was the same premise.   At the end it quoted what I am putting below, and maybe it does not belong on a grief forum,, but it caused me grief knowing this was happening.  I read some more articles and if I could change laws, this is one I would put first on my list.  I did not know this.  

"A title card states that missing persons statistics are kept for every demographic except Native American women, whose numbers remain unknown." (from Wind River).

[kevin]

In Canada it has taken a decade to get the Police to concentrate on the Native Woman missing in this country....One area of concern is the "Highway of Tears"....This is primarily highway 16 up North but believe now it encompasses missing native woman across the country....Early excuses were high risk lifestyle, runaways, reserve life....all transparent...Girls being killed and RCMP not following up on it.......that no records thing hits a nerve(like they don't count)..in the 1800's didn't record Chinese deaths when building the railroads

[Margm]

Kay, Gwen, and I guess Kevin, all y'all that live in the NW part of the country, think you are fixing  to get a burst of winter.  Be careful.

 

[Margm]

Neither of my daily grief book readings helped this morning.  I should be more advanced in this subject by now, don't you think?  So, I go to the bibliography of  books we have to help us along the way.  I find one that seems to talk to me.......but wait........I already have it.  Two more, and I have them also.  What is enough?  Enough of what?

I am going to look for the Rosemary Christmas tree.  Don't you think I have had enough excitement in my life at age 75?  Sometimes I am sure of myself..  Sometimes I am afraid to get outside my door.  Sometimes I am afraid to drive.  Why?

I broke my dream amnesia this morning after the early morning necessity.  I dreamed Billy and I had five babies all at once.  We did not want them.  We gave them to the man and woman on Chicago Fire who have all those children.  I came to see them when they were nearly teenagers and they did not notice me, their real mother, and I could not understand that.  I told them we had a swimming pool also.  I prefer dream amnesia.  

[kayc]

I'm lucky my family didn't harbor those secrets, but we had our share of dysfunction with my mom's mental illness and my dad's drinking.  Still, I was sheltered from a lot.  You are right, if we fail to protect our children from those who hurt us, we are just as complicit.  That's why I wouldn't leave my kids alone with my mom, I knew her violent rages and odd perceptions, I knew her inappropriate responses, and I supervised her visits with my kids carefully.  It's hard.

I, for one, am tired of hearing all of the news lately, it's one after another, to the point you don't know who to believe in or trust anymore!  

Marg, we have snow on it's way tonight through tomorrow night, with temps in the 20s.  We shouldn't get a lot but they've been wrong before, all the same I'll drive my 4WD pickup to church tomorrow. 

[Margm]

It is hard to believe, but just 175 miles "up the road" we usually got a taste of winter, sometimes more than a taste.  I just heard the weatherman mention warmer temperatures for the week end and I am wearing short sleeves as it is.  I miss Arkansas, my kids are there, but there is just some part of me that won't go back to where he left me.  I prefer to be where we began, even if we have warm weather.

[TomPB]

On Beacon Hill we get the full NE winter, and it IS a hill. I'd always meet Susan so she could hold my arm walking in ice & snow (nothing yet this year). Going down much worse than going up. There are a lot of older people here, many living alone, who  love the city and do not want to move to warmer climates. I would joke with Susan that maybe we should move and she would say NO! Beacon Hill Village was founded as a support group for such people. I'd heard about BHV from a neighbor, had put it on my list of charitable contributions, and had thought about volunteering some day. Then after 3/31 I realized that I was now living alone, I might need help at some point, and I needed all the community I could get. So I joined and it's becoming an important part of my support network. 

[Margm]

For some reason, I actually thought I was doing pretty good, for the condition I was in.  Heard 2nd year was tough and I could not figure out how it could be tougher than first.  Recently I have had crazy fear.  Fear of nothing, everything, anything.  I keep moving through it, but in Walmart, it took two Xanax to stop the shaking and all I was in was the sheets and comforters.  By myself.  I had not eaten, figured maybe blood sugar was too low and drank a Dr. Pepper.  I think this is something I have got to take up with the doctor/nurse practitioner.  I don't take but usually one Xanax a day and that is at night.  The day before I had to leave a half full shopping cart and leave because of anxiety.  I have no reason for this.  I am not thinking of Billy (well, I am always thinking of Billy), but this was not because of this.  Yes, I will take it up with medical practitioner as this alarms me.  I did not go to class Christmas party because I did not want to see anyone.  Is this anywhere close to any symptoms of anyone else.  It does not feel like grief, just fear.  I'm not afraid anyone is going to break into my apartment, not scared of people on the street, I don't know what I'm afraid of.  No clue.

As an addendum I do not associate this with a fear of dying, I don't want to leave my granddaughter alone, but not a fear of dying.  

[Gwenivere]

Marg, sounds like you are having anxiety attacks, of which I have lived with for 30 years.  There is usually a trigger, but not one alway easily indentified.  This month is unrelenting stress for me so I get them quite often and have had to increase my Xanax.  Definitely something to see your practitioner about.  They are very upsetting as you experienced.  There is nothing worse than out of the blue fear and it can create a cycle of worrying about another.  I call it hell on earth.  The grief and sadness are enough without this added factor.