If You're Going Through Hell

[kevin]

I was at a function the other day and knew or was familiar with almost everyone but didn't say more than 50 words and left  as early as was appropriate...Unless there is a few drinks in me, I'm in a shell.......But I feel 200% better now than I did a year ago...I can live with Grief and use my past as a Source of Joy  aand strength....I got talking about baking cookies and laughed because I should have paid more attention when Ange did her baking....still downsizing...Putting some stuff for sale  on line tomorrow....

[MartyT]

Could your anxiety have anything to do with the season, Marg? This time of year can be quite stressful and challenging, what with "the holidays" looming and all the triggers on the air and in the stores. So much pressure in our culture at this time of year, even if we do our best trying to ignore it. And then there is all the societal and political unrest in the world, in our country, in the news and on social media sites that we simply cannot avoid. Is it any wonder that you're feeling more anxious than usual?

[Margm]

You are right, the season, the number of people play a big role in it, but this stuff has been going on forever without breaking down.  I had one real anxiety attack when I had cancer and left my grocery cart in the checkout line.  I also had, caused by anxiety, dissociation and thought I was having an old fashioned nervous breakdown (although we don't have those anymore, do we?), but my psychiatrist said it was my mind trying to protect itself.  I understand those to some extent. I had anxiety attacks right after Billy left, but this was like an uncontrollable one.  No disassociation (I did not mind those after I found out what they were, also didn't have any more). I have the congenital tremor that has gotten worse and the colon problem, which I will have forever, and that causes some shaking, but this was shaking I could not control, but after the Xanax, I was able to control it.  And I was so afraid of something, and I think it was the uncontrolled shaking.  Did not hurt anywhere, some shortness of breath.  But, they cannot really play with medicine with my radiated insides.  I fought it down this time, but the day before I just left the grocery cart in an aisle and walked out.  (Sure screws your mind up when you start looking for stuff you know you have bought and then remember it was left in the cart).  I know they will want to try some new medicine on me and I'm not sure my insides can handle it.  And no, I don't trust the doctors. I trust this one to listen to me though, finally.  

But, I didn't do this last year.  Maybe I just wasn't "here"  last year.    

[kayc]

Yes, as Gwen said, it sounds like anxiety attacks.  When I was married to John I used to get them every Friday afternoon around 2, 3:00 because of anticipation of him letting me down.  It got better when I got totally out of that relationship and had time to adjust to being alone.  But I have also had them out of the sky blue, no rhyme or reason, those are really hard to deal with.  They can come in the middle of the night or broad daylight.  My daughter gets them too, I figure mine's genetic but things can trigger it.

It helps if you can figure out what's causing it, it is hard when yo don't know.  You may need anti-anxiety medicine.  It seems to hit you when you're out, have you noticed if it's better if you have someone with you, like your granddaughter?  As Marty said, it could be the season exacerbating it.  Try to keep things in your life low key, manageable, do what makes you feel comfortable, avoid what triggers it.  You did that when you decided not to go to your class party.

[Margm]

I have my anti-anxiety medicine, but have been cutting them down to one at night.  I will take one before I go to the store.  Have been going without them when I go, has not happened but these two times.  Did premedicate before the last visit but had to take another one while in the store.  And, I don't have them when someone is with me, and that did not enter into my wax brain that it would have helped if Bri had been with me.  I go so often by myself.  I guess a person can worry about life things so much it puts them in a vulnerable condition we don't anticipate.  I just thought maybe this was a second year thing that had just happened.  Considering all things, I thought I was doing good.  I could be flippant, but this takes the  flip away.  

[Margm]

Okay, guess it was just a giant anxiety attack.  I have seen (heard) of those prompting belief of a heart attack.  Yesterday I tackled the neighboring city, went by interstate and the traffic was horrible.  No attacks. (Granddaughter was with me). My sister wants me to go back to doc, but there is really no medicine that I can have that won't prompt some reaction from the colon injury, the Xanax works without any untoward reaction.  I'm good.  Just wondered if this was a "terrible two" year problem I was not aware of.  Not good at concentrating again and I want to read.  I guess this too shall pass.

[KarenK]

Cannot seem to get into the holiday season, either. Have not even put up my little tree. Can't think of anything to get for "my guys" with my meager funds.

Dodged another bullet today. I'm prone to skin cancer and get nervous when new mole type things appear. Had a pre-cancerous thing removed about four months ago from my arm. Discovered one which was getting bigger on top of my head a few weeks ago. Couldn't see it, of course, but was worried because of the growth factor. Went to my dermatologist today and he froze it off. It was not cancerous, but would likely continue to grow. It had a fancy name, but in reality is known as a barnacle of age. Oh, the joys of getting older.  LOL

[MartyT]

Unreal, isn't it, Karen ~ the joys of getting older, I mean ~ and I hear ya!  

I'm just glad to know that you pay careful attention to these weird little bumps and get them taken care of right away.

As for what to get your guys for the holidays, I'm sure your presence is present enough for them ~ I know that it certainly is for us, and we're so grateful that you're still one of us!  ♥

[Gwenivere]

5 hours ago, KarenK said:

Cannot seem to get into the holiday season, either. Have not even put up my little tree. Can't think of anything to get for "my guys" with my meager funds

Having the same problem here about the holidays.  I thought this was the 3rd without Steve, but it is the 4th.  Shows how scrambled my brain is.  A woman I know suggested easing into it that I am trying.  I have the tree in the house.  At some point I'll put it in the living room. Plug it in when I am used to it.  I can't avoid the holidays and know if I don't put it up I will be miserable come Christmas.  I think about all we used to do and the emotional struggle about a tiny tree.  My mantra....grief, the beast that keeps on giving.  Even if I wanted to buy some gifts, I have no one to buy them for that motivates me.  I've changed so much from the crazed elf I used to be this.  Griefvis a cruel thief, IMO.

[kayc]

Marg,

I'm glad you did okay yesterday.  I hadn't heard that anxiety attacks were a precursor to heart attacks, but I guess stress could bring on either.  If in doubt, get your heart checked out.  I take more antianxiety medicine at night than in the day but if I was having problems, I'd increase it a bit.

Karen,

I'm glad you had it removed, I have one I'm considering having removed.  I already had it examined, it's not cancerous, but it's in the way.  My only hesitation is the insurance won't cover it because it's not cancerous but the seatbelt irritates it so I might just have it done after the holidays.

 

 

[Margm]

15 hours ago, Marg M said:

I have seen (heard) of those prompting belief of a heart attack.

Kay, I definitely am not learned enough to think/know that they cause heart attacks (might  happen with stress), but I watch enough TV to see on medical shows that they are relieved they were not having a heart attack, only panic attacks.  (I watch too much TV).  I think with the various panic attacks I have had, and I really don't think I am as experienced as a lot of people, but I don't think I have ever thought I was having a heart attack.  I do have to remember the medical professional was worried because my ankles were swollen, I do know that is not a good sign, and she told me to put my feet up twice a day at least.  I do not know what heart attacks feel like (and I don't want to know), but in all actuality, I think we all suffer from "heart" attacks.  I am so overweight that anything is possible.

Oh, by the way, we finally have a little of the northerner's cold weather.  I heard my heat come on this morning.  That is a rare sound lately.  

Fixing to take my granddaughter to school.  She takes the HiSET test on the 12th or 13th.  Not worried about anything but math.  She will resume study of that after the holidays if she fails that part and then will only have to take that part.  Then what?????  We just don't know.  

[kevin]

Marg what is HiSet test..? Equivalency...It's good to continue to apply the learning practices..... does she have her license yet or pre license?...those are always good motivators...This is noble effort your doing...good work  

 

[Margm]

Yes, she was home schooled from the 6th grade until Billy left us.  He was our number genius.  He was head of the laboratory for the Shreveport district dept. of highways and he fooled with numbers all the time.  He seemed to love it by the way he would figure width and length of different fly lines.  He would study up into the night if he could not understand an algebra problem she had.  I hate numbers so much.  I will spell anything medical for you, but do not give me numbers.  He always did our income tax and I tried tackling it the first year with a program to do taxes and wound up at H&R Block, or whatever you call that place.  I am seriously inept with numbers, but so is my granddaughter.  She is scheduled for three tests on Tuesday at the local college and two tests Thursday, with math being Thursday.  She is good in everything but math. Pretty sure she will be taking it again in the spring and then we will just have to reschedule the math again.  It is a GED, just a fancier term I guess.  

[kayc]

On 12/6/2017 at 5:22 AM, Marg M said:

I do have to remember the medical professional was worried because my ankles were swollen,

When George died, I got edema really bad in my feet, it was painful to walk, they were so swollen.  I did get them checked out and he put me on heavy duty diuretics and had me up my water intake.  I also got a stress test, which I passed with flying colors...the gal administering it told me she wished she had me for a walking partner!  So that relieved my mind.  EKG was fine but it's my understanding that the EKG only shows if you're having a heart attack right now so the stress test was more relieving.  This was George's last request of me, so when the doctor questioned why I'd need it, I gave him an earful (the same one that hadn't sent George to a Cardiologist when he was complaining of heart symptoms) and he referred me for the test, not another word about it.

I do know we can't always know if we're having a heart attack or an anxiety attack, it can resemble heart so closely, it's good to get checked out just to be safe.  I knew someone who had an ambulance take him to the hospital in the next town, thought for sure it was heart attack and it turned out to be anxiety attack.  He was embarrassed.  He shouldn't be, he was smart to take it seriously and get it checked out.

[Margm]

Agree 100 percent

[TomPB]

Susan died of a heart attack with no warning. She had developed a chronic cough and on 3/31 said she felt nauseous. She went to a Dr who said she might have pneumonia but was otherwise in good health.

I'm a competitive swimmer and doing sprints coach says "get your heart rate up". I'd like to get all my affairs in order, set up Susan's memorial with the money we saved for OUR retirement, do a personal best in a meet, win my age group, get my heart rate WAY up, and die in my second home, the pool.

[Widowedbysuicide]

I understand your feelings.  I wish you felt differently. ❤️

[kevin]

Marg, My second Grandson is a wiz with computers and video graphics......and is also  in adult school to complete his Grade 12....He's 18 now, and works about 20 hours a week....He's a strapping lad, 6 ft 2 in, must be 250 pounds.....Whenever I visit, or holiday with the family, we share a room......Fast forward 3 years now,  our Mutual  nick name is"Roomie"........I actually feel his successes....have good week end

[Margm]

Kevin, I could bore you to death talking about her.  I simply think she is fantastic.  You cannot imagine the things she has gone through from before she was born until now.  She is a gorgeous, exotic Amerasian beauty.  She has a lot of fear we have to work on, will get a new counselor.  No drugs though.  I've seen what the psychotropic drugs prescribed for her mom have done, and it is not good.  

Your grandsons are nice sized guys.  I love the name Atlas.  And it fits him.  I actually sometimes don't know what I am going to do to help her and really don't know what I would do without her.  I don't want to be like that though..  She knows she does not have to stay.  Also, she is not ready to be on her own........thus, will need counselor.  She needs more school after the diploma.  

[kevin]

Everyone needs a piece of paper of some sort that says they can Finish...Diploma, Certificate....etc...Gets them in the Door...Different world out there and Perseverance  always succeeds....This young one is your purpose...

[Margm]

She really is my purpose, but I sure don't want to hold her down.  I want her to learn to fly.  Right now I'm just glad that does not include drinking, dope, and dating.  Yes, counseling is in order.  (Probably mine). 

[Margm]

Oh, I forgot to say her Louisiana Medicaid went through in her name.  Was able to get a primary care physician (who happens to be mine too), and right away they will schedule her upper GI series with our local female gastroenterologist.  You know the trouble we had traveling the 109 miles to Texarkana, exam already okay'd by primary care in Arkansas, only to be told they did not accept Medicaid.  That was over a month ago with her still having symptoms, having lost 10 pounds from being unable to eat much that didn't hurt her, and could only schedule preliminary exam for a couple of months ahead in January.  I do not understand Medicaid, but it seems there is a right way and a wrong way.  With our private insurance and Medicare we have had many "wrong ways" so it actually does not matter which route you take.  We did get lucky this time.  She has had this since she was an infant and I can remember us having to withhold the bottle from her with her crying for it in preparation for her first upper GI.  She has severe reflux.   We were lucky that she did not have more things wrong.  A woman that takes every street drug while she is pregnant should be put in jail until after the baby comes.  A lot goes wrong in our world, but little innocent kids being abused is something I cannot understand. 

The "woman" in this case was the bio-mom.  My daughter has anger problems, only takes psychopharmaceutical drugs that I do not believe some of the doctors giving these things out, I do not believe they read the side effects before they give them.  Might have some good clinicians, but you have to be careful with what they give you now and be your own physician sometimes.  .  

[Gwenivere]

3 hours ago, Marg M said:

  "woman" in this case was the bio-mom.  My daughter has anger problems, only takes psychopharmaceutical drugs that I do not believe some of the doctors giving these things out, I do not believe they read the side effects before they give them.  Might have some good clinicians, but you have to be careful with what they give you now and be your own physician sometimes.  .  

I'm so sorry to read what happened with your grand daughter because of the meds given to your daughter.  

I do become my own physician after seeing one.  I never take anything until I research it online and often talk to a pharmacist as they know way more about side effects dealing with the public.  I used to have a doctor I could run the fancy tests the specialists would order and most of the time he would nix them as he was more veresed in seeing the whole patient.  Now I am at the mercy of trying to do that myself.  Problem is so many things have come up that can be emotionally based.  Except for walking and know that is arthritis which they are now talking surgery which scares me and I have no one to help, my depression has sapped motivation for the reflux thing like your grand daughter.  It requires sedation and.i have no one than can take or pick me up.  Then there is the fact of why do it at all?  I might feel better physically and maybe help the depression, but it's a Catch 22, they cancel each other out.  My motivation was taken away when nature took my reason for being away.  Do I want to extend that horrible feeling?  It's an impossible question to answer when you are trying to be rational in an irrational state of mind.  Not trusting your own decisions anymore and having no one to bounce them off of that truly loves you.   Also knowing if he were here, I would take the steps to feel better.  This is when I watch my dogs and see they are not emotionally experiencing the past or future.  They just......are.  Life is good for them always.  I envy them as I envy the people I see all around me that re like I was.  Fulfilled, content and if needing help for down times, someone to turn to.  

I was talking to a woman who was very unhappy in her relationship.  She will probably leave it and has all these desires to fill that will make her happy.  She asked me what I wanted and suggested looking for things that were different that I may have missed.  I told her our goals ard lives were not comparable.  She needed freedom to be happy, I needed the contentment I lost without my choice.  Fortunately I think she got the idea.  Leaving someone is much different than having them taken away when everything was OK.  I've babbled enough.

[kayc]

True, while there may be some similarities (scared, lonely, feeling gypped, etc.), there are MANY differences!  Plus you usually get over a breakup eventually whereas this grief goes on and on.

[Margm]

I think we all can be compared to that phantom foot syndrome.  Leg cut off but still has real terrible pain in the foot..  Nothing below the knee.  Still you can feel the pain.  I have periods where I can feel Billy beside me for just an instant, I know he is not there, but the feeling that he was there is still present.  I think so many years that he was there, it is natural to turn toward him, things I want to tell him, like the phantom foot, it is gone but the pain is still in the place where the foot used to be.  Knowing the foot is not there does not make it hurt less.  I think they attribute it to nerve endings.  Going on what I remember and all that I remember is not true.  

We are going to have the best Christmas we can.  All of us.  Not our preferred happenings, but should we all still be alive, we will make the best of it whether alone or with a big family.

I may have mentioned my friend who belongs to some club of women, probably all widows, and they go to clubs, went to see Hamilton in Chicago recently, went somewhere in South America, they just have so much fun they make me tired.  No sour grapes in that statement either.  

George, make a plate for your dad to put in the refrigerator.  He might not care for Christmas, but if your sister is going to cook, make the best of it.  I know this is the season for giving, but we give our best, sit back and do a little "taking" and I don't mean gifts,  You know what the situation is, now take as much as will benefit you, she has a husband, be a different person, instead of giving so much of your time and feelings, sit back and benefit from what you can.  (I am a good one to preach, but I don't walk the talk).