If You're Going Through Hell

[Gin]

I used to knit a lot and Al and I would go to the craft store to get yarn.  I would usually lose him somewhere in the store.  Either he was looking at things or looking for a place to sit.  I would end up looking up and down every aisle for him.  I went there today and all of a sudden I started looking up and down the aisles.  As you might imagine, I could not find him!  So many triggers.

[Margm]

Gin, I would always leave Billy in the fishing sporting goods.  I cannot knit, but he would love looking at yarns for tying his flies.  He loved doing that.  I stay out of the sporting goods section of Walmart.  

[TomPB]

Susan was a great knitter. I had a hard time giving away the projects she was working on 3/31 because other knitters would say they're too hard. She loved yarn wth sparkly bits and would buy it whenever she could find it. I'm currently wearing hats she knitted. Christmas 2016 she knitted me a stuffed 🐼. However it looked more like a dog so we called it panda dog. Just before she died she knitted a comforter for a niece who was getting married. It was sitting on a chair in the living room and it took me a while to come out of the traumatic shock enough to realize where it was supposed to go. I mailed it to niece Shannon and she was properly appreciative - actually we've stayed in touch ever since.

I thought I'd finally given it all away but recently discovered another unfinished project.

Sometimes Susan would be knitting constantly to the point that I resented it thinking she was tuning me out. How I regret that now! Loss is a great and painful teacher.

[Margm]

Tom, I used to read all the time when we were first married and Billy was jealous of the time I spent reading.  No other way to put it, he was just downright jealous of that time that I wasn't paying attention to him.  Skip ahead 20 or more years and his first books on the mountain men.  I could not keep him supplied with them enough.  Thank goodness for Kindle, and he stole our granddaughter's first Kindle, she was not using it.  He wouldn't let her have it back, had to get her a new one.  I had to join the Amazon book club because that man became such a voracious reader. I had to research to find him the kind of books he liked.  (I enjoyed that) and would put them on his Kindle and print out a synopsis of each book.  I found a whole sheath of papers we had paper clipped with synopses of all his books.  I never got jealous of his reading, and sometimes he would not come to bed till 2:00 a.m.  He would fix the coffee before coming to bed and when he woke up we would have coffee together.  Honey and coffee.  I miss him.  

One time I mistakenly got him a mystery that was written by a woman.  Cannot remember her name now.  Three names, one of the most famous.  It was a big one and he questioned my choice, but he read it and loved it.  I think she was Grace Livingston Hill.  When we lived in the RV's they had a light by each side of us and we would both go to bed reading.  I have finished all of his books that were still on the Kindles.  

[KarenK]

Marg,

Thank you to you and Billy for alerting me to C.J. Box. I have read every one of his books and eagerly await the next one. I love the Wyoming location which is dear to my heart. Ron was not a reader, but I have been all my life.

Because of my hobby of making beaded jewelry, Ron spent numerous hours patiently waiting for me in bead stores. Had to hit at least one in every town we visited.  lol  Very little interest in that anymore, although I have made a variety of silver "cowboy" earrings(boots, saddles, spurs, six guns, etc.) Something to do to fill the countless hours..........

[Margm]

I have been trying to read some others up on the Wind River Reservation.  Got hooked on Margaret Coel's mysteries of a Native American lawyer and her sleuthing along with the Catholic priest that served the reservation.  Also Dana Stabenow writes a series about Kate Shugat, a Native American from Alaska that is a tough little female.  Michael McGarrity writes a good book covering New Mexico.  I think he is a retired peace officer.  I did not like his last three epic novels, but Billy read all three.  But all of these are very good writers.  I have tried some of the others, but for books you don't want to put down, these authors can hardly be beat.  Also J.J. Jance is a good writer.  She writes about two people, Joann Brady a sheriff in Arizona and a man mostly from around Seattle, but she combined them in a good mystery.  These are all good writers that if you  like C.J. Box, I think you will love them too.  I have a habit of reading as late as I can and if I cannot finish the book I will skip to the end of it.  They are all good enough that you  will go back to where you were and finish them..  I never knew this until later in life, but my mom used to do the same thing.  Check them out.  Don't think you will be disappointed in any of them.  Right now I am trying to read "Testimony" by Robbie Robertson of the group "The Band" and probably the last one still standing.  Not enjoying it as much as my mysteries though.  

[KarenK]

Have read all of J.J. Jance, also all of Nevada Barr. Her heroine is a Nat'l Park Ranger. What a dream job that would have been 40 years ago! I'll check out the others you mentioned.

I read until 5 or 6 in the morning, TV in the background and dogs by my side. All I need is the mountains and the fireplace.  lol

[Margm]

I've read Nevada Barr also.  That was one thing that has been so slow coming back, total concentration.  You need it to read.  I'm working on it hard.  I honestly think the reason I read that C.J. Box book that Billy had half finished, I think somehow we read it together.  I didn't even have his urn yet.  Then I lost all concentration for months and still don't have it completely.  One foot in front of the other.........one page at a time.

[KarenK]

I'm not sure if the lack of concentration is attributed to age or just the stress of daily survival. I find myself rereading a sentence or a paragraph  to keep the story in context. Something I have never had to do before. Heck, I used to be able to do 4 things at once. Half the time, I forget what I was doing or why I went into a room, now.

[Gwenivere]

5 hours ago, KarenK said:

I read until 5 or 6 in the morning, TV in the background and dogs by my side. All I need is the mountains and the fireplace.  lol

I thought I was the only one that kept those kind of hours.  When Steve was here, we didn’t think twice about it.  Now those hours are so empty.  I don’t remember all I did, but he was always so busy with his music.  Often not getting to bed until til 8 or 9am.  I never gave our schedule a 2nd thought, but now people ask and think I’m nuts.  Maybe I am,  but I miss being nuts with him.  I miss our little world Where time didn’t matter.   All that mattered was us and our furry kids.  I used to wake up early and think he is out in the studio.  Hours later I knew he’ld never be coming to bed again.  It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to accept.  

[Margm]

11 hours ago, KarenK said:

Half the time, I forget what I was doing or why I went into a room, now.

This is just the norm for me.  And, I would be alarmed except that has been the norm for years.  The concentration while reading, that seems to have only come on since Billy left.  

[kayc]

19 hours ago, TomPB said:

Loss is a great and painful teacher.

Profound and true!

[kayc]

16 hours ago, KarenK said:

Because of my hobby of making beaded jewelry, Ron spent numerous hours patiently waiting for me in bead stores.

My hobby was making cards.  One day I saw George watching me with this look on his face...I asked, "What???" and he said, "I love watching you make cards.  You make all those happy sounds!"  "Happy sounds?", I asked?  "Yeah, like whistling and humming and stuff." he answered.

I rarely do that now.  I make as card when I need one, but it doesn't hold the allure for me that it once did.  I finally figured it out this morning, it's because before it was an expression of my inner happiness (being married to George).  That inner spark is gone now.  Every once in a while I have a moment where I feel happy.  I have to grab it while I can.

[Margm]

Billy always said he loved it when I whistled a song, really an unconscious whistling, he said it was because he knew I was happy.  I remember once during this tiring journey since he left I caught myself whistling and felt so guilty I have not done it since.  I guess any outward showing of happiness brings pain also.

[Gwenivere]

Outward showing of happiness makes people think we are OK.  I try to not act like a gloomy Gus, but I am careful now of acting unlike I feel.  Not for their benefit, but for mine because then it intensifies the sadness when I am alone again.  I do want others to know I am not OK only so I don’t have to play 2 roles.  Don’t have the energy to keep up the facade.  

I used to sing to music when I cleaned.  St3vecwould catch me sometimes and love it.  I do things so haphazardly now it just a chore to chug thru.  It’s just maintenance,  not a task of a living household.

[KarenK]

Gwen, I didn't sing, but played loud, upbeat music when I cleaned. Our house was never fancy, but spotless. Don't care for loud music or cleaning much anymore. Oh, I keep the place up, but in the war against dust, dust is winning along with dog hair.

[Gwenivere]

Same here, Karen.  Loud music and actually liked doing it for the results.  Steve had made me a CD with my favorite tunes.  Haven’t played that in over 3 years.  Dust and dogs, same as my upkeep when I can.  

[TomPB]

On 1/25/2018 at 5:24 PM, Marg M said:

Tom, I used to read all the time when we were first married and Billy was jealous of the time I spent reading.  No other way to put it, he was just downright jealous of that time that I wasn't paying attention to him.  Skip ahead 20 or more years and his first books on the mountain men.  I could not keep him supplied with them enough.  Thank goodness for Kindle, and he stole our granddaughter's first Kindle, she was not using it.  He wouldn't let her have it back, had to get her a new one.  I had to join the Amazon book club because that man became such a voracious reader. I had to research to find him the kind of books he liked.  (I enjoyed that) and would put them on his Kindle and print out a synopsis of each book.  I found a whole sheath of papers we had paper clipped with synopses of all his books.  I never got jealous of his reading, and sometimes he would not come to bed till 2:00 a.m.  He would fix the coffee before coming to bed and when he woke up we would have coffee together.  Honey and coffee.  I miss him.  

One time I mistakenly got him a mystery that was written by a woman.  Cannot remember her name now.  Three names, one of the most famous.  It was a big one and he questioned my choice, but he read it and loved it.  I think she was Grace Livingston Hill.  When we lived in the RV's they had a light by each side of us and we would both go to bed reading.  I have finished all of his books that were still on the Kindles.  

Marg, Susan and I read together all the time, in and out of bed. Most recently we both had kindles, but Susan would also listen to audiobooks. It was when she was both listening to an audiobook AND knitting that I felt she was tuning me out. She would leave her earphones on even when she was not listening to a book, so a lot of my conversations began with "Are you listening to a book?" and I resented it. Very sad about that now.

Earlier in our marriage I read to her a lot. Whenever we came upon a book we both really liked, I would read it to her. I read the entire Lord of the Rings aloud three and possibly four times. How about that! The entire Aubrey/Maturin series by Patrick O'Brian...all the Harry Potter...Mars trilogy by Kim S Robinson...Very warm and close. I told her I didn't read any more because of her audiobook habit. So sad and stupid...

[Gin]

I used to read to Al every night.  He had VERY poor vision because of glaucoma for many years and was legally blind for the last 2 years.  He had been an avid reader before.  

[Margm]

1 hour ago, KarenK said:

Our house was never fancy, but spotless

I'm sorry girls.  I just never was a housekeeper.  Billy loaded the dishwasher in self-defense. I try to wash maybe 5 things in the sink each day just to cut down on them falling on the floor.  My idol was Erma Bombeck and a neighbor.  My neighbor said "Why clean the house, a tornado might come and just mess it all up."  I certainly saw that possibility.

Working nights I would pick up the Shreveport Journal (now gone for years) each night and read Erma Bombeck,, the fishing report by Glen Harris, and a columnist from Louisiana Tech (Wiley Hilburn) that wrote a homey type article, and he was chased often by "the black dog" so he and I felt the same.  I think he was head of the journalism department  at Tech and I felt kin to him and Erma.  Both of them are just about as long gone as the newspaper. 

This is Erma's take on housework:    

• Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop offs at tedium and counter productivity.

• My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch on fire or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one cares. Why should you?

And this truly was why Billy and I were never homesteaders.

[iPraiseHim]

On 1/26/2018 at 6:44 PM, Marg M said:

I'm sorry girls.  I just never was a housekeeper.  Billy loaded the dishwasher in self-defense. I try to wash maybe 5 things in the sink each day just to cut down on them falling on the floor.  My idol was Erma Bombeck and a neighbor.  My neighbor said "Why clean the house, a tornado might come and just mess it all up."  I certainly saw that possibility.

Working nights I would pick up the Shreveport Journal (now gone for years) each night and read Erma Bombeck,, the fishing report by Glen Harris, and a columnist from Louisiana Tech (Wiley Hilburn) that wrote a homey type article, and he was chased often by "the black dog" so he and I felt the same.  I think he was head of the journalism department  at Tech and I felt kin to him and Erma.  Both of them are just about as long gone as the newspaper. 

This is Erma's take on housework:    

• Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop offs at tedium and counter productivity.

• My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch on fire or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one cares. Why should you?

And this truly was why Billy and I were never homesteaders.

Funny Marg M,

I like Erma Bombeck, too!

Life is funny.  I was never known to be a great cleaner or housekeeper.  Yet by the Grace of God. I have been cleaning homes professionally for over 20 years. Yet if you were to look at my home... well, you know the story about the cobbler and the children with no shoes.... Don't try this at home!.

Yes, I know how to clean professionally and efficiently but it is not an obsession or compulsion at home.  I see it as God's provision to take care of my family (Rose Anne and I) and now me.  In business, I strive to be organized, efficient, and thorough. I see many different styles and types of homes and I really like the simple, less cluttered style.  I strive to do that in my home.

Right now. other projects like building a computer or learn to fly takes priority. Each of us have our own gifts and talents.  - Shalom

[kayc]

I clean constantly but because I get so much dust here, it doesn't look it.  My allergist said we get stuff dumped on us clear from Japan!  So much for clean air in the mountains, she said it has to do with the air currents.  I console myself that at least it's clean (new)dirt!    And with a long furred dog and long furred cat, it's a losing battle.

[kayc]

BTW, many of you don't venture out of the "Loss of Spouse" section...I posted in the sibling section, so you may not have read what I'm going through right now.  Too tired to repost it here, but I could use your prayers...

[Margm]

2 hours ago, kayc said:

..I posted in the sibling section,

I'm looking for it Kay.  As you said, we seldom venture out of this section.  It is a new road to travel, searching.  

Found it.  I'm sorry for all the life suffering that has had to be done.  My heart is with you.

[Margm]

Reading, days of remembrance, looking at pictures, music.  This is past 25 months.  My sister sent me a song on FB to listen to.  It was Lukas Nelson and his band.  I listened to that one song and it was so beautiful, I was just wondering why he had not been noticed in the last 10 years of his career.  I don't know what genre his music would fit into.  The two songs I heard were "easy listening" music.  Of course, I had to read his history, and yes, I am old enough to remember a much younger Willie Nelson.  I heard Willie (his father) but I heard Roger Miller also.  I have Prime on Amazon and my son said I could get his music, and I could.  I got in the bedroom and listened and could not get through the song.  It was torture because if I ever discovered anything in music I knew Billy would appreciate, I always would bring it up on You Tube and we would listen.  But, alone, I could not listen. I had a stupid crying jag. 

We come so far, but moments that are unguarded can take us back even further.  People have diseases that will eventually kill them, we all know that, we witnessed it, we lived it.  Myself, I know I could go at any time.  I don't expect it, but it is a definite thing and yet I am not afraid (at least not all the time.)  We learn to live with things.  I guess grief is a disease that we just have to learn to live with.  You really cannot escape it.  I will get the CD and listen while I am driving, attention on the road.  But, I had to skip a song on the CD by Air Supply.  I hate these moments.  My friend said now I could find myself.  I did find me, and I don't like it.