If You're Going Through Hell

[kayc]

Oh Ana, I feel for you...I imagine the study of politics is interesting, you can learn a lot about what has worked well and what was a disaster in history, but to then see what is taking place today has to be a hard pill to swallow...especially if you feel you have some answers but no one is listening.  I honestly haven't ever seen such a mess, and I guess that's all I'll say on the subject. 

[Margm]

It is like we can do nothing about the situations but sit back and watch.  In fact, protecting ourselves still is all we can do.  I've tried to explain my  feelings and found love is not the answer to so many people and I am not here to judge people, but I find some of my friends are not people I like, cannot change their opinion, I won't try.  Just like being from a small place all your life you learn not expanding your horizons from that life, you find people who believed as we did in the 40's and 50's.  We just have to take care of ourselves and our own and put the TV remote on channels that will uplift you, because right now, we on this forum need uplifting rather than trudge through the mud of life.  Selfish?  Maybe so.  We do what we have to do and stay away from those that drag us down.  

[kayc]

20 hours ago, Marg M said:

I find some of my friends are not people I like, cannot change their opinion, I won't try.

I don't see it as our job to change people.  Most of the people I know voted differently than me, but it's not my place to convince them of anything or sway them, but to vote my conscience and stay informed.  My family is divided politically and everyone feels very strongly about their own opinion, myself included.  But we have to be respectful of each other.  I have a cousin that runs ram-shod over the rest of us, posting politically opposing stuff to our walls, etc., I had to unfriend him and change my settings so people can't post to my wall without my permission.  I would never have done that to him!  To me that was beyond disrespectful.  Just because we're related to them doesn't mean we have to like what they do!

 

20 hours ago, Marg M said:

We just have to take care of ourselves and our own and put the TV remote on channels that will uplift you, because right now, we on this forum need uplifting

Not selfish at all, smart!  The news has been so depressing lately, I swear section A is awful, I skim through most of it, enough to be aware but not immerse myself in it either.  Gotta strike a balance!  They need more uplifting human interest stories to balance it.

[Margm]

2 hours ago, kayc said:

I don't see it as our job to change people. 

Oh Kay, I knew there was no talking to this person.  Have not argued with her before, never will now.  But, the hate she spewed toward innocent children made me think it was coming from some demon instead of a friend's sister.  I was so shocked I automatically blocked her.  My friends do not like my sister's political posts, I have discussed with her how she handles all the bad reports she gets back and she says she does not answer most of them.  I have seen her answer some though and if you  have ever watched the character Spencer Reid on Criminal Minds, you would know my sister.  Her statements are so far above the average man's head that all they can do is say "huh???"   But, the one I blocked, I did it so fast I did not have time to think about  it.  This was pure demon hate coming from what I thought was a Christian woman.  She is a couple of years older than me.  Something about her always scared me in high school and her sister is not fond of  her either, but I sure cannot discuss that with her.  When they mention my sister to me I just tell them to block her if she offends them, it won't bother me at all.  I hope my friend feels that way toward me, but I won't mention it to her.  I am sure her sister will because she was all up in me or my family's posts (except my sister's).  I don't like confrontations.  

[kayc]

I would block it too, no sense having something hateful spewed on your wall!  I've put up posts, hoping for friendly discussion, only to have it blow up in my face because people get so overboard...only to delete it to bring it to a halt.  Geez!

[Cookie]

Marg:  I have a sister very much like you describe yours.  She used to be different when she was younger...then she became a born again Christian (I am not dissing Christianity; I'm saying that for some reason it had a terrible effect on my sister).  She became very self-righteous, mean-spirited, judging of others, judging of me; told me I was going to hell.  Can't talk to her about anything.  She is very aggressive in her opinions especially around supporting the terrible things that are being done in the world right now by our present administration.  It's another loss, loss of a sister.  I have tried so hard to reason with her....but she is too harsh for me.  Anyway, I do believe that we all have our opinions and a right to them, but cannot tolerate such hatefulness.  It's true you can't change people, but we all try because we don't want to lose another relationship......

[Margm]

Cookie, I made my sister cry one time and from then on I decided I would never do that again. .  "She ain't heavy, she's my sister."  I make  her nervous sometimes with my driving, but we handle it.  I'm all she has. 

And, I don't have any business putting personal things in here.  She is doing so much better and I believe she is going to have a good life.  I sure hope so and I'm willing to help anyway I can.  I gripe about my family, but, I love them, and maybe I did not want to live, it seems to be I have reasons I should live and when the time comes, I will go.  

[kayc]

Cookie, my mom was like that too, judgmental, very black and white, she used God as a crutch to justify HER thinking/actions, poor God, He had nothing to do with it!

[TomPB]

My family is divided too, the ones who demand jail time can be very mean to the ones who think impeachment is enough. 

Joking aside, today is our 49th anniversary, tho Susan has not been with me physically for the last 15 ms. Today I took one of her sisters & husband sailing in high wind & it was fun. Later it hit that I am ALONE and everything is pointless. Made myself a great dinner that Susan liked and cooking for myself seemed pointless. Going to the places we enjoyed seemed pointless.  Dear Susan I miss you so much. How can a poor old PB go on without you?

[Margm]

Tom, July 3rd will be our 57th and I will buy him a card and put it beside the others.  I know we cannot say Happy Anniversary, but I will call mine "blue funk" 57th, lonesome 57th, love him even more if that is possible 57th, miss him on our 57th, whatever mood hits.  And it will.  Scott was eight days old on our first anniversary and we rode down the street to the "Coffee Cup," a restaurant at the end of the street and had cokes.  Holding our first born.

Anyhow, my heart is with you, on y'all's 49th anniversary.  

[Gin]

Tom,. My heart goes out to you.  These days are so hard!

[kayc]

Tom, that's hard...49 years, so long you were together.  Long enough to finish each other's sentences or read each other's thoughts.  Heck, we even did that in the short time we were together, we were so much on the same wave link!  

I don't know what to say to those going through anniversaries without their spouse, Happy Anniversary doesn't seem appropriate, how happy can it be with half of you gone?  But you're in my thoughts and I'm glad you made it through, that's about the best I can hope for at certain times, the month of June being one of them.

[TomPB]

Thanks my friends. I have OK periods but then it’s back to seeing no point in living without her. 

Its cloudy & rainy in Ptown. My rental has a view of the marina where we moored our boat. On days like this we’d be stuck on the boat hoping for clearing, doing X-words, drinking coffee, fixing leaks...I tended to think it was clearing when it was not so Susan would laugh when I announced it. It was so nice to be boat-bound with Susan. I still don’t see how to be OK with that kind of loss. 

[Widowedbysuicide]

I'm sorry about how hard this is for you and I can understand.  My husband was my childhood friend before he was my husband.  We had 35.5 years married with 15+ years as friends.  It seems such a short time compared to the 30 months he's been gone.

Each day without our partners is like a lifetime 💓 hugs to you.

[scba]

Today I feel sad, heartbroken and lost. Today I am numbed about all that surrounds me. I am like a robot and acting as such. Today I care about nothing and no.one, I have been doing what it is has to be done: get up, have breakfast, wash teeth, groceries, lunch, dishes.... Last night I felt the pain reaching to the core of my spirit. I told God I could not do more. I took a pill to fall asleep, something I dont do. It didn't work. I feel my body is collapsing and my boat is sinking again. 

I don't know what I have done wrong.

It is year n. 4 on this hell. I guess I will never heal. I have lost hope of it.

My boyfriend was my soul's life. I knew it for the time we spent together. I knew it when he was taken away from me, I knew it fully later in this grief journey. And now I must carry on without him. I don't fully understand it and why. 

I feel cursed because I have had a soulmate.

I feel he is not here with me. 

I needed to get this out. Thanks for reading.

[Cookie]

On ‎06‎/‎27‎/‎2018 at 9:32 AM, kayc said:

Cookie, my mom was like that too, judgmental, very black and white, she used God as a crutch to justify HER thinking/actions, poor God, He had nothing to do with it!

I agree that God would have nothing to do with that.....

[Cookie]

1 hour ago, scba said:

Today I feel sad, heartbroken and lost. Today I am numbed about all that surrounds me. I am like a robot and acting as such. Today I care about nothing and no.one, I have been doing what it is has to be done: get up, have breakfast, wash teeth, groceries, lunch, dishes.... Last night I felt the pain reaching to the core of my spirit. I told God I could not do more. I took a pill to fall asleep, something I dont do. It didn't work. I feel my body is collapsing and my boat is sinking again. 

I don't know what I have done wrong.

It is year n. 4 on this hell. I guess I will never heal. I have lost hope of it.

My boyfriend was my soul's life. I knew it for the time we spent together. I knew it when he was taken away from me, I knew it fully later in this grief journey. And now I must carry on without him. I don't fully understand it and why. 

I feel cursed because I have had a soulmate.

I feel he is not here with me. 

I needed to get this out. Thanks for reading.

Oh scba:  My heart is heavy for you....I can relate.  Year 3 for me and I feel very much as you do today all the time.  John was my soulmate also.  I hate to admit that I've been jealous of others being able to find another love.  I kept thinking if I could just meet someone, I would feel better, that I'm just lonely, etc., but what I've realized is that although it sounds good on paper, the reality is that I want that particular person's (John's) essence and that is not possible.  It does leave you feeling quite depleted and hopeless.  It does feel like all that joy and contentment is now a curse.   I do keep trying to keep the hope, as small as it is, that there is something out there for me, some purpose to make all this bearable.  Anyway, wanted to commiserate with you because I feel like I can.  Hang in there...hugs to you, Cookie

[brat#2]

Ana and Cookie, it will be year 3 for me in 10 days and I just wanted to say I can relate to what both of you said.  It is as if I wrote what I'm feeling in what you both said myself.  I just hope there is some hope out there eventually too.  Hugs, Joyce

 

[Gin]

Ana,Cookie and Joyce...I am in your club.  Al will be gone 3 years next October.  The joy is gone and no hope of getting more.  We did everything together.  Our lives were so entwined.  Most of the time I am so very lonely.  Life seems pointless.  

[kevin]

I love debating religion, particularly those that believe in one religion "only".......I even get people going(Christians), referring to Jesus as a "Prophet", no different than Moses.....Then I lighten up.......Four of the majour religions, all have same commandments.....can't be that bad....

[MartyT]

I'm deeply moved by the feelings of hopelessness expressed in these most recent posts, and my heart reaches out to each of you.

I know there is nothing I can do or say to "fix it" for you, but I do think there are many different things we might do (or at least try) to ease the pain and soothe the heartbreak. As I've mentioned elsewhere, I think of these as activities to nourish the soul. For example, they might include  using 

• nature 
• prayer 
• meditation
• imagination
• guided imagery
• music
• artistic activities
• reading
• poetry
• photography 
• works of art
• journaling

One of the simplest and least expensive ways to do something for yourself might be to invest in one or more of Belleruth Naparstek's wonderful guided imagery recordings, which you can purchase online as CDs or MP3 downloads. If you click on the titles I've listed below, you can read detailed descriptions and reviews of each recording ~ and listen to samples before you decide to buy.

The ones I highly recommend:

• A Guided Meditation to Ease Grief
• Self-Compassion Meditations to Foster Self-Kindness
• Guided Imagery for Heartbreak

[Gwenivere]

Count me in that boat, ladies.  Getting towards tear 4 and I feel even more despondent.  I was in the ER yesterday because of weird head stuff and they could find nothing wrong.  I am having my neurologist look at it, but I wonder if it is the fact I’ve been so alone for so long.  I’ve never been alone before.  Having no one at all is mentally killing me.  I do the volunteering and it’s changed.  The people at the nursing home have more of a life than I do.  Companionship.   As Cookie said, it is his essence being gone that took all purpose.  How long can a person watch life carry on from the sidelines?  As I get more physically limited it adds to that loneliness.   I know I will have to hire people, but it would be so much nicer if he and I could go do other things while they are here.  But there is no place to go.  

Marty, I’ve tried meditations, journaling and guided imagery.  At this point nothing fills the hole.  For me, personally, I don’t want to hear soft music and pictures and voices telling me about relaxation.  That’s never been me.  I want to laugh, discuss the world, plan meals and be able to tell him about my day.  I want to hear about his.  My counselors say I am resistant.  Heck yeah I am!  I used to live life, not watch or listen to metaphysical stuff.  It makes it more depressing.  All those coping methods focus me more on the emptiness.  I know they help others, wish I was one.  I miss feeling strong inside.  Driven.  Give me a problem, I’ll figure it out, or we would.  Changing a lightbulb is monumental now.  

People need a reason to live.  Mine is gone.  I’m not invalidating anyone’s grief.  But I read about people here with families that keep them going like Kevin.  It’s still hard I know.  Having people that love and need you make all the difference in keeping that spark of hope. 

[MartyT]

53 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

People need a reason to live.  Mine is gone.

I cannot help but wonder, dear Gwen: What was your reason for living before your beloved Steve came into your life?

[mittam99]

Today was one of those days, definitely hellish. Nothing seemed to go right. The worst of it was finding out the hard way (sloshing through the flood) that my water main (inside the basement) had sprung a major leak. To make matters worse, the water shut off control had seized up and was stuck in the on position. High pressure city water was blasting into my house. I frantically started calling plumbers, holding a bucket in one hand and a phone in the other.

Being a Saturday, it wasn't easy to even get somebody out to my house. Finally, a plumber came out but it was hours later. What a mess. I also was at the mercy of the plumber and he definitely overcharged me, but... based on the circumstances, what could I do?

As if all that wasn't bad enough, my Tammy wasn't here to give me some sense of comfort, and compassion and most importantly of all, her love.

The pain never ends. But, I'm still here and I'm still trying the best I can. But nothing about this life of grief says "easy".

[scba]

6 hours ago, MartyT said:

activities to nourish the soul.

Thank you ladies for your kind words and thank you Marty for your suggestions. I do some of the activities listed, but their effect on me lasts for too short. I do them just because they are supposed to help,  My life feels like a call for duty. I must do what I am supposed to do. And have some hope.

I read this and it feels horrible.

2 hours ago, MartyT said:

I cannot help but wonder, dear Gwen: What was your reason for living before your beloved Steve came into your life?

I became a widow at 35. I met my love at 29. In your 20s you dont reflect about reason for living. I never did on a deep level. I cannot look for that answer in the past. I am not that eager and interested about my future anymore. My counselor has been working about this question but I see nothing. Just fog. 

My reason for living is a moral one, my parents are still alive. my MIL told me "we cannot loose another son, not you too". I hope to find a reason before my parents and my inlaws die.