If You're Going Through Hell

[Gwenivere]

Excellent question, Marty.  That was when I was in my childhood.til I lost him  Like most, I was caught up in wanting to experience everything.  Which I did even when Steve showed up in it and as years passed it just became more intense.  A force was at work.  It wasn’t your standard affair as we both carried on which our respective lives.  When we were thrown together at work, a force was at work we couldn’t stop.  Eventually we committed to each other when I was 27.  I never expected it knowing he was a 'free spirit'.  Figured he would move on eventually and I was prepared for that.  We were moths to each other’s flame.  3 decades later we were the foundation for each other, we had that much trust.  As Ana said, I never thought about it.  I just went with what felt I wanted to do.  I thought it was just another adventure when I moved here and quit my job because he asked because he moved here. I didn’t realize what a huge decision that was.  It was what I needed to do.  I always knew I would I could find another path as I never had any intentions of ensnaring him.  Seems he did me.

 

 

[Margm]

I think I am one of those involved with family.  I think I came from a different culture.  I know I told my granddaughter my first "crush" (we called it back in the dark ages) was my 4th cousin.  She was mortified.  So, I guess I have always been surrounded by family and now that they are going the route of aging, I guess my small town culture was so different.  We moved away awhile, about 20 years, but always kept in touch by letters, then email, then Facebook.  Only 106 in my graduating class but some have drifted away but a lot of us stay in touch.  I don't remember much but having to leave home, jumping into marriage, hanging on for dear life, lots of detours, rough roads, sickness, but we held on like we knew what we were doing and then all of a sudden, he was gone.  I was not old.  He was not old, but everyone else got old.  Fixing to be 57 years in 3 days.  (Of marriage, I am still married, to me).  I went to a childhood friend's grave not long ago.  He was 17 and worked two jobs.  Went to sleep at the wheel.  He will always be 17.  Then I think if he had lived he would be an old man also.  Billy never was old to me.  I put on two scarfs today because I did not want to fix my hair.  In one I looked 75, the other I looked 76, but Billy was never old.  

I am sorry  you do not have your old school friends and acquaintances from where you lived before.  Some people move on.  I am happy for them, but even if I was 20 years younger, I don't think I could.  Once you have had the best, you do not need another unless all of you can live in unison.  It happens.  But I was 18 when I married, I lived my whole life with that one man and damn if I could find another that would put up with me.  

I wish you the best dear Gwen.  I sure miss Billy, and I cuss him ever so often too.  I wish he had left me for another woman, at least I could be angry and he would be alive.  Rose Kennedy was right.  You do have to build up scar tissue to protect your mind.  I have had to do it.  I cannot tell you how, but all it takes is a song to rip it right off.  We all have a different path to follow for sure.  

[Gin]

Mitch,. What a lousy time for you.  I worry about having plumbing problems and electrical ones.  WHO WOULD I  CALL?  Who can you trust?  So much easier when we had our partners with us.  

[Margm]

Gin, at my  age, I cannot afford to have an old house fixed.  That is why I rent.  I won't ever say this was a mistake.......for me.  Different paths  I guess this is my pre-assisted living, if I make it that far.  

[Gwenivere]

I agree, Marg.  Whatever the circumstances, I wish Steve were alive.  We had separated twice, but we would still talk.  And if I really needed him, he would come.

[kayc]

12 hours ago, mittam99 said:

Today was one of those days, definitely hellish. Nothing seemed to go right. The worst of it was finding out the hard way (sloshing through the flood) that my water main (inside the basement) had sprung a major leak. To make matters worse, the water shut off control had seized up and was stuck in the on position. High pressure city water was blasting into my house. I frantically started calling plumbers, holding a bucket in one hand and a phone in the other.

Being a Saturday, it wasn't easy to even get somebody out to my house. Finally, a plumber came out but it was hours later. What a mess. I also was at the mercy of the plumber and he definitely overcharged me, but... based on the circumstances, what could I do?

As if all that wasn't bad enough, my Tammy wasn't here to give me some sense of comfort, and compassion and most importantly of all, her love.

The pain never ends. But, I'm still here and I'm still trying the best I can. But nothing about this life of grief says "easy".

Oh Mitch, I am so sorry!  You are so right, nothing about this life seems easy anymore.  I hope you don't have lasting damage.  Is there equipment you can rent to dry your house out so it doesn't mold?  What a mess!  I'm sorry you've incurred more hardship, more expense you didn't need.  What a struggle!

Every day in the month of June was horrible for me.  It started with my ear infections, then the adverse reactions to medicines that caused me more pain than I could have imagined and a doctor that seemed incompetent and worse than useless.  Then car problems, buying a different car, dealing with insurance, DMV, needing a new battery ($167) and now brakes ($450) and the horn doesn't work and my son doesn't have time to troubleshoot it until August!  So I have to pay someone to watch my pets and drive 2 1/2 hours away for that.  My  5 1/2 year old refrigerator quit.  I lost all my food in it.  I bought a new refrigerator, paid to have it delivered.  They were supposed to set it up but missed the leveling part so it's not working right.  I woke up Thursday morning and the freezer was at 24 instead of 0 and it's on the coldest setting.  I have to wait until July 7 for them to come out and fix it.  And they'd better fix it!  Tomorrow I have to drive my car down the mountain with no brakes left to drop it off at the place and walk to the church so I can spend the day doing their books, then walk back over and pick my car up, 1/2 hour walk each way.  My dog and I got attacked by a dog on our walk night before last.  Arlie was limping afterwards and I went down into the gravel so am bunged up.  My favorite watch quit, it was an expensive one I thought would last the rest of my life but they no longer make the parts for it so I had to buy a new one.  Now I have to drive the 60 miles to the guy that can take the links out so it will fit me.  It's always something!  Because my brakes failed I missed going to my niece's wedding with my daughter.  A day that can never be redone.  

Then I read about your day yesterday and my month doesn't seem so bad, although at the time the hits kept coming I felt it was neverending!  And I'm up right now because the stupid dog across the street incessantly barks and at 2:00 am he woke me up from a dream I was having about George, only to not get back to sleep again.  And it's several nights in a row now I haven't slept...sometimes midnight I'm done, sometimes 1 am.  It's getting old.

SCBA, I think it hitting four years and you still feel the same is telling...we seem to get better to a point...I mean we're no longer crying, screaming, we sleep more than an hour a night, we're no longer in shock, we've learned how to do for ourselves, we're more used to this aloneness, as used to it as one can get anyway, but as I've heard some of you say, "Is this all there is?"  Pretty much, I guess.  I continue to try to look for good in each day.  I've learned comparisons are a killer.  Note to self: Do not compare life today with life before!  It's setting yourself up for failure.  Don't go there!  I remind myself of this all the time.  My dream that was so rudely interrupted...I remember George was walking away from me, I saw the back of him, I was calling to him, trying to get him to turn around.  A day with him walking away from me beats any other day without him!  I wonder, was the dream telling, was it showing I feel left behind?  It's not that I blame him, not in the least, but feelings aren't always rational or about reality, they are just there to be dealt with, gotten through.  At least that's how I see it.  I remember thinking, if he would just turn around and look me in the eyes, I'd have him back with me!

I reflected on Marty's question...what was my reason for living before?  I think back over my life, I've known a lot of hard places, I mean really hard places.  Did reason for living enter in?  I think I was so busy struggling to survive I didn't have time to think about reason for living.  Life is a gift to us, we didn't earn it, didn't ask for it, didn't cause it to happen, it was just given to us.  I guess I owe it to that giver of life to do my best with it.  I try.  My purpose...to be here for others, to take care of my animals.  IDK But thinking back to before George, there was my kids.  I always wanted kids, from the time I was a little girl, but having them wasn't so easy.  I lost three before I got my two.  They were my life!  I loved them, I enjoyed every minute of being their mom.  And then they were gone.  So quick, just like that!  But I still had George, so it was okay.  And then he was gone, just like that.  I never expected it.  It seems it's all a mind game, this survival, but that doesn't make it any easier.  The everyday struggle through life when we have a month like I've just had, or the day Mitch just had, or Gwen's everyday existence, it's not so easy to figure out how to best do it.  We all have to figure our own way through this.  We can give suggestions, share what works for us...until it doesn't.  We keep trying, what else can we do?  Like Darrel says, putting one foot in front of the other.  One day at a time.  And trying not to compare what we had with what is now.  That's a killer.

[Gwenivere]

Kay, your last sentence really  sums things up.  It is a killer all the memories of what was now gone.  Yet, we still travel there in times of need.  How much easier life was when we had someone to face those with together.  I honestly don’t know how you handled all that happened  to you in the last month.  I would be a basket case, worse than I already am.  Somehow we get them done, but I know I live with a dread now I never knew.   My counselor says I should pat myself on the back for accomplishments.  I guess I miss high fiving my partner thru them and it not feeling it was the castrstrophe it feels alone.   

[Margm]

You know my folks when they whipped me, they did not spank me, they believed in spare the rod and spoil the child.  Do you know they would whip me until I quit crying.  I can remember thinking "how can you still hit me and make me quit crying" but I did it.  The same way I did not understand how Daddy could whip me and say I might not love him, but I was going to respect him.  Damn, even as a little kid I knew the difference in fear and respect.  Now when I cry for Billy I know, I can cry, but that boy is gone.  He just plain is not going to come back.  My kids and granddaughter did not feel sorry for me because I wanted to follow Billy, and any  talk from me about maybe just wanting to give up, I cannot say it around them.  My granddaughter loves me but she got so angry that I would leave and follow Billy.  They knew how I felt.  So, somehow I have to take this whipping, no matter how it stings, how it hurts, and I will cry when I am by myself or I will cry at the end of a TV show because I am supposed to live.  Billy said, the one left must stay..  And that is what I will do until I cannot.  I might yearn for Billy to just hold me but I do not yearn for strange arms to hold me and my memories will have to hold me and I will cry when I am alone.  Until then, I will be brave and hang on as long as I can.  It is not easy being brave all the time, so I let myself cry at the ending of TV shows, happy, odd, sad, terrible, whatever, and dog food ads, and when I drive by myself and talk to Billy.  

I did not watch but the ending of Nicholas Sparks "The Notebook" and perhaps it is really a fairy tale ending.  I wanted to go like that and was angry at Billy  for leaving without me.  If I had known he was not going to listen to me, if I had known he was giving up, I almost think I could have projected myself to go.  But I was not gonna let him go.  He didn't listen to me.

[kayc]

16 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 I honestly don’t know how you handled all that happened  to you in the last month.

I felt like I was out on a limb and it was about to break.  The hits just kept on coming.  I haven't been able to sleep and anxiety is kicked in, I hate it.  Yet I reminded myself as hard as life is, nothing is as hard as losing George, that gives me a whole different barometer by which to measure things.  My sister Polly mentioned she didn't know how I got through it because as hard as her life gets sometimes, she still has Bob (her husband).  Yeah, big difference.  It WAS easier when we shared in things, could bounce things off each other, lend each other moral support, you know?  Going through life without that is hard.  I don't even have my mom to talk to anymore!  You mentioned your dog in another thread, yes, it's wonderful having a dog in our life, but they really don't understand about the car breaking down or the refrigerator quitting.  They might understand when we're in pain or have illness, but the rest of our struggles they don't comprehend, they only know we're upset but it's not like we can talk it over with them.  This is what people don't get unless they're there in the same boat.

14 hours ago, Marg M said:

So, somehow I have to take this whipping, no matter how it stings, how it hurts, and I will cry when I am by myself

Wow.  That's quite an analogy.  I can't help but feel one a child should never have to endure or learn.  Your dad was heavy handed, as was my mom.  My mom wasn't trying to teach us something so much as taking her anger out on us.  It was a horrible childhood and even rougher teenage-hood.  What a time to be growing up in!  I mean no disrespect to your dad, nor to my mom either, but...too bad they didn't think of another way to parent!  Can you imagine doing that to your granddaughter?  No!  You wouldn't.  I don't know how we survived our childhoods, Marg.

[Margm]

I think my dad belonged to the "old school" of the way he was fathered, so he would father also.  And, I am ashamed to say, that I spanked my kids also.  Did it improve anything?  No it didn't.  My dad did the way he was taught, so did I.  As a grandmother, no I do not believe in it.  In school we had that kind of punishment.  We even had a 7th grade teacher, now, in this day and time, he would be fired and possibly arrested.  He was caught being a "peeping tom" and was made to quit..  He liked to whip the girls.  Our teachers kept paddles at their desks.  My girlfriend climbed through the windows with the boys.  The principal whipped her as hard as he did the boys.  Our second grade teacher (a childhood friend of my  mom's and my cousin's mom) gave him (my cousin) such a beating in the 2nd grade he talked about it with rancor as a grown man, but he was one of the most sadistic 7=8th grade teachers my kids ever had.  He played a game with my son that he was going to make him say "uncle."  My son did not cry and never said it.  It was told to me and I went to my cousin's house (my son remembers this, I don't) and had my huge cousin cowering back into his house.  I am older than most of you and we had corporal punishment in our schools.  No, I don't believe in it but got a few pats on my behind by the peeper when caught chewing gum.

I think some of us older ones may not remember that we had that kind of punishment at home and in our schools.  We were taught things at home, especially in the deep south, that maybe was not taught other places.  Now a teacher dare not lay a hand on any child.  My granddaughter was never whipped, spanked, or punished in any way but the words of my daughter to her were more damaging than a whipping would have been.  I got those same words from my mother, but I got switches too, that would break the skin and bleed.  I am glad those things have changed.  That old saying of sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never harm them is wrong.  Words can kill.  That is the one thing about my  life, if I could do over again, I would never permit corporal punishment, nor would I have taken part in any.  It does not help.  

We have so many things that we did wrong, that was done wrong to us, but in looking back, no one knew any better.  Do you remember when corporal punishment was taken out of schools?  They would/will be arrested and suspended now.  But all my teachers had rulers they would hit with and some had paddles with holes in them.  It was not just the men teachers, we had three huge women, one quite old (but back then I think they had to retire at 65), but to us she was at least 100, which of course she was not.  I remember her chasing a boy around the class to "whip" him.  I never had to worry about it myself, except from the "peeper" and he did catch me chewing gum once.  Like I say, he was charged and suspended  later on.  

My schools were segregated.  We did not know it was wrong.  It was the time I grew up in.  Our first black woman that was hired where I worked, (I worked nights and was alone).  She came in early and put her purse up in our cabinet.  I told her the clean up people had already gone through.  She gave me a look that showed her complete disdain for me.  (After I learned she was our first black woman in our office), no one had told me, the woman disliked me from then on.  I don't blame her.  That gal had a master's degree.  I was a business school girl with some college.  

We are learning.  My thoughts on things are completely different than what I was taught.  I have learned more from my grandchildren than I did my parents.  Equality is still something we all fight for.  Equality for women in the workplace, and also in life, equality for all the different races.  Lessons learned and accepted by  this old southern redneck.  I don't display the Confederate flag, but we still have some old feelings that die hard.  But they will die........and I still hate that word.  

[Cookie]

On ‎06‎/‎30‎/‎2018 at 5:31 PM, Gwenivere said:

Count me in that boat, ladies.  Getting towards tear 4 and I feel even more despondent.  I was in the ER yesterday because of weird head stuff and they could find nothing wrong.  I am having my neurologist look at it, but I wonder if it is the fact I’ve been so alone for so long.  I’ve never been alone before.  Having no one at all is mentally killing me.  I do the volunteering and it’s changed.  The people at the nursing home have more of a life than I do.  Companionship.   As Cookie said, it is his essence being gone that took all purpose.  How long can a person watch life carry on from the sidelines?  As I get more physically limited it adds to that loneliness.   I know I will have to hire people, but it would be so much nicer if he and I could go do other things while they are here.  But there is no place to go.  

Marty, I’ve tried meditations, journaling and guided imagery.  At this point nothing fills the hole.  For me, personally, I don’t want to hear soft music and pictures and voices telling me about relaxation.  That’s never been me.  I want to laugh, discuss the world, plan meals and be able to tell him about my day.  I want to hear about his.  My counselors say I am resistant.  Heck yeah I am!  I used to live life, not watch or listen to metaphysical stuff.  It makes it more depressing.  All those coping methods focus me more on the emptiness.  I know they help others, wish I was one.  I miss feeling strong inside.  Driven.  Give me a problem, I’ll figure it out, or we would.  Changing a lightbulb is monumental now.  

People need a reason to live.  Mine is gone.  I’m not invalidating anyone’s grief.  But I read about people here with families that keep them going like Kevin.  It’s still hard I know.  Having people that love and need you make all the difference in keeping that spark of hope. 

 

On ‎06‎/‎30‎/‎2018 at 6:28 PM, mittam99 said:

Today was one of those days, definitely hellish. Nothing seemed to go right. The worst of it was finding out the hard way (sloshing through the flood) that my water main (inside the basement) had sprung a major leak. To make matters worse, the water shut off control had seized up and was stuck in the on position. High pressure city water was blasting into my house. I frantically started calling plumbers, holding a bucket in one hand and a phone in the other.

Being a Saturday, it wasn't easy to even get somebody out to my house. Finally, a plumber came out but it was hours later. What a mess. I also was at the mercy of the plumber and he definitely overcharged me, but... based on the circumstances, what could I do?

As if all that wasn't bad enough, my Tammy wasn't here to give me some sense of comfort, and compassion and most importantly of all, her love.

The pain never ends. But, I'm still here and I'm still trying the best I can. But nothing about this life of grief says "easy".

So sorry for your troubles....that sounds like it was horrible.  It is so hard without our loved ones to comfort us.  I know that I could face anything with John, and I still do face things, but, boy, is it a burden!  You sound like you do your best....my heart goes out to you, Cookie

[Cookie]

I definitely feel like you Gwen, Gin and scba:  The life has been sucked out of me.....nothing yet has replaced the void of John, the easy companionship, affection, genuine caring and that we were on the same wavelength.  I do keep hoping a little; I am posting this picture of me with my sweet Poods.  I lost the silver last year, but the one in the middle, Olive, is what I pretty much live for now.  They were both John's and mine and he loved them fiercely.  I have to say that in the book by Alan Wolefeldt on losing your soulmate, he says that it is a trauma, like losing a twin and not an easy thing to deal with, that the pain can go on for a very long time.  I doubt you are resistant, Gwen.  You sound like me....just hurting so much and wanting relief but not finding it, even with much effort.  The trauma idea would explain a lot of the posts here.  I wish tapes and physical activities could work the magic of making things better.  I'm not saying that stuff isn't valid; I'm just saying the rest of the world really believes if you just do these things, it will really dampen the pain.  I like coming here because I get to hear honest and real dialogue.  The truth for me as I know it after 3 years is that it hurts like hell just like it did at first, if not worse.  All this time without John has been deadly in its repetitive hurting and missing, like someone hitting me over and over with a 2 x 4.  It's not that I don't get some fun and laughter.....the moments like that live alongside a monster which always comes back and is just lying in wait.  That monster moved in when John died.  I'm hoping desperately for the thing that will slay it.  One night when I was having a particularly hard time with the unrelenting hurt, I decided I would give it 2 years, long enough to see my daughter safely and securely on her journey as a speech therapist and probably about the time that Olive will be coming to the end of her life and then I would check out.  I was amazed at how much peace that brought me--just having that plan, knowing that I didn't have to live 10 to 20 years like this.    I am not suicidal, but the idea that I could do something about this was a comfort.  That's the whole key here, I think.  Eventually having a game plan that will bring, at least, some peace.  At the end of the day, you've got to find a life raft.......

[Gin]

Cookie,. Same place as you.  Nothing seems worth doing.  I am also reading the Soulmate book.  I am really trying to do suggested things...exercise 5-6 times a week, journaling,  accept invites.  Still pretty miserable.  Part of the problem is my age and physical issues.  I am surprised  that I still try.   The loneliness is torture.  I do not have any pets any more.  After our last dog died, I wanted another.  Al was almost blind by then and we were afraid that he would trip over a dog. Maybe it is time to look. I had a bad winter last year so hope I can deal with  taking a dog out.  But, maybe it woul be an incentive.

[MartyT]

Dear ones, I don't know if you've seen this in another thread, but here it is again, just in case: 15 Research Backed Health Benefits of Having A Dog! ♥

[Gwenivere]

Cookie,  I so relate to having that game plan.  It’s taboo to tell outsiders , but it’s something to cling to when overwhelmed at the thought of years more of this.   I already feel half dead.  So tired of doing everything alone and feeling I make no difference to anything or one anymore.  Never any moments of fun and laughter anymore.  They are fading away.  Maybe it’s just a way to feel some control in a world there is none.  But years more of this?  Even months?  It’s too hard to even comprehend.

[KarenK]

Just got back from the vet with my 85 lb. baby, Marley dog. It appears that she has Lupus. Not life threatening, but uncomfortable as her nose got very dry and crusty. We have been using Neosporin which is good, but vet gave us an ointment containing a steroid which is better. There is no cause or cure for Canine Lupus and she will be on ointments and possibly oral meds for the rest of her life. She has been my constant, lifesaving companion since I lost Ron and Debbie. It is nice to have someone who loves you and depends on you, even though our conversations are a bit one sided.

This month marks year 4 that my Debbie has been gone. I have somehow resigned myself to the idea that this is the way things are.  No amount of wishing or dreaming will bring my family back. The chances of my little family and I moving to the mountains are slimmer each day. I really have zero to look forward to, but I will follow Darrel's lead and "put one foot in front of the other" until I can no more.

[Margm]

Today 57 years ago my friends Bonnie and Marilynne were helping me put the finishing touches on our upstairs apartment, behind a grocery store in a little town that was the extension of our parish (county)seat, down the road from my home town and up the road from Billy's.  I rode by there sometime lately and it is still used as a cozy little two bedroom garage apartment.  Mama and I had fussed and we were having a "hurry up" wedding, instead of the 7th, it was gonna be on the 3rd.  My folks had moved from my home town a year before, 17 miles down the road and Daddy was depot agent there.  They waited till I graduated.  Instead of our new pastor marrying us, we had my former pastor marry us, which was good to me.  In my hometown.  Billy sold his pistol to pay the preacher.  (Okay, I have never denied being redneck.) Somehow, the church was full.  No pictures were taken.  Mama and I were at war.  As usual.

No wedding pictures but this was somewhere around our 15th anniversary.  We had spent the night in a tent on the 3rd on the banks of Dorcheat Bayou in a far away place.  You  could do that then without being scared. He did let me beat him every once in awhile.  This was how we spent our vacations and time off though.  I taught him how to bass fish, looks like I needed to take the lessons.  This was one of the times that he kept the one I caught that was over 7 pounds and did not tell me.  He had it mounted for my present and what an original present.  He was learning. 

I'm sorry girls.  I am sorry your having a hard time.  None of this is fun.  July 3rd is our 57th anniversary and my second without him, but it is still our 57th anniversary, even if he is not here in physical form.  I just put the card beside the others, just like he will read it. I do believe all of this business trying to solve my mother's and my sister's business dealings, having my daughter near (and usually in a good mood), my son is going to stay a couple of weeks with me, my maddeningly beautiful granddaughter that thinks she is ugly,  and having my family so close, even them depending on me, maybe mainly them depending on me, it does not make me quit missing that boy.  Not a thing I can do.  Screaming and crying did not help.  He is not coming back no matter what I do and I will join him maybe sooner than later.  "I'm not that important, life does go on, if I wasn't here then I'd be gone."  My little ditty written over 35 years ago, thinking I was dying, nonsensical, but it is how it is.  I wish you peace.  I really don't think I have to make plans to leave.  I still take my temperature about 2-3 times a week.  I take Tylenol at night cause I ache in places that scare me, places that cannot be fixed.  My "fix" has lasted over four years so far.  When they showed me the scans they showed me "seedings" of what they  supposed was cancer.  They let me know that.  I had the hematologist/oncologist in the room with me when they were showing me these things.  He examined the films while he was in the room with us.  He told the two interventional radiologists that it was not cancer.  My gosh, my living or dying at that time was up in the air anyhow.  I had just survived  sepsis with a colon rupture and the surgeon and gynecologist all told me nothing could be done.  Certainly no surgery, nothing would hold a stitch.  No more radiation, I had had as much as a person could have.  The hematologist just happened to be in there with me excited that I had the Queen Victoria Factor IX blood.  I had already had two babies and surgeries and had not bled to death and my son was blessed with an X chromosome (and someone has got to understand that better than me), but my daughter has the Factor XIII which is von Willebrands and she does bleed and has to take vitamin K or something before any procedure.  

I guess what I am getting at is, I don't have to make plans.  They are already made for me and I have told them I want no heroic measures.  But, until that time, no blood, no fever, nothing untoward yet.  I'm sore a lot, sometimes hard to get started, but once I am up and around, I am okay.  God thinks I am a comic, he laughs at my plans, so I don't make them.  Just want that monument up before I go.  

Karen, my heart is so with you and know my little grandmother finished her fall into dementia when my dad passed.  He was 65 and she was about 85.  No one seemed to miss my granddaddy when he left, but they did my dad.  

If you don't have a crazy family like mine then I know the time goes slower and I know they are the ones that keep me going.  My heart is with  you.  Don't know if I have put these pictures.  I found them looking in Mama's albums.  Yes, I saw Billy, and yes it still hurts.  About this time of night I was calling him to just make sure he was gonna be there at 8:00 p.m. on July 3rd, 1961.  I don't need pictures.  I remember even shaking signing my name and after the wedding we had an apartment full of Judy, Barney, Betty, Charlie, and I don't remember who all else and Charlie was betting Billy he could not beat his record for the wedding night.  

And my arithmophobia got the best of me.  This is my 3rd anniversary without Billy.  Time is useless anyhow.

 

 

 

[kayc]

4 hours ago, KarenK said:

Just got back from the vet with my 85 lb. baby, Marley dog. It appears that she has Lupus. Not life threatening, but uncomfortable as her nose got very dry and crusty. We have been using Neosporin which is good, but vet gave us an ointment containing a steroid which is better. There is no cause or cure for Canine Lupus and she will be on ointments and possibly oral meds for the rest of her life. She has been my constant, lifesaving companion since I lost Ron and Debbie. It is nice to have someone who loves you and depends on you, even though our conversations are a bit one sided.

This month marks year 4 that my Debbie has been gone. I have somehow resigned myself to the idea that this is the way things are.  No amount of wishing or dreaming will bring my family back. The chances of my little family and I moving to the mountains are slimmer each day. I really have zero to look forward to, but I will follow Darrel's lead and "put one foot in front of the other" until I can no more.

I am so sorry about your dog, Karen, but I'm glad at least they have something to help her.

Hard to believe four years have gone by already, I'm amazed at how time keeps going on.(((hugs)))

[KarenK]

Marg, you look so very young and not very happy to be holding those fish.  LOL  Your humble beginnings are a bit like ours. Ron was working two jobs to pay for his ex wife's spending. She had taken everything but his clothes and car. Shortly after we met, his mobile home was repossessed while he was working. We had to track it down to get the clothes. He moved in with me and we were married soon after as he did not feel comfortable living with me unmarried with my child in the home. He collected $150 from friends that owed him money and we bought my wedding rings, which I still wear today. He bought me a more expensive set many years later, but these are the meaningful ones. We were married by a JP in a friend's home. We lived on "a wing and a prayer" for many years, but those were the happiest.

You are on my heart, Marg. If only we could turn back the clock.

I am not very good at this picture stuff.

Pictures are old, but this is my family:

Our wedding day in 1972About 1982 in resort hotelRobert at about 4 & Debbie at about 20Robert at 29(He will turn 40 this year. Can't imagine!)Robert's son David at 11 with Brownie(lost in 2013) He's 23 now.

.My Debbie with her kids, Paul & MIchelle, husband Ranzy & son-in-law Harvey on Michelle's wedding day in 2012.TatumMarley

[kayc]

Karen,

Thank you for sharing the pictures!  It's good to put a face to the names, I feel as if I know your family!    Debbie is very beautiful, I know you miss her so much.

And look at that eager face on Marley!  Tatum looks pretty happy too.

My you guys look so young on your wedding day, and Marg, oh my goodness looks so young holding those fish!

Cookie, your dogs are beautiful, I'm sorry you've lost one of them already.

[Cookie]

18 hours ago, Gin said:

Cookie,. Same place as you.  Nothing seems worth doing.  I am also reading the Soulmate book.  I am really trying to do suggested things...exercise 5-6 times a week, journaling,  accept invites.  Still pretty miserable.  Part of the problem is my age and physical issues.  I am surprised  that I still try.   The loneliness is torture.  I do not have any pets any more.  After our last dog died, I wanted another.  Al was almost blind by then and we were afraid that he would trip over a dog. Maybe it is time to look. I had a bad winter last year so hope I can deal with  taking a dog out.  But, maybe it woul be an incentive.

Gin:  My dog is my lifeline.  They give you so much love and companionship.  I have thought that after Olive leaves, I might consider a small poodle....I'm a poodle lover.  Anyway, you can pick them up and take them places you can't take other dogs.  Also, they don't require as much walking, so maybe that would be an option for you.  You could also go to the local animal shelter and see if they have any loveable, already house-trained small dogs you might bond with.  I highly recommend it.  Life is so brutally lonely, and a pet can really bring you even a small measure of love and connection.  Hugs to you, Cookie

[Cookie]

41 minutes ago, kayc said:

Karen,

Thank you for sharing the pictures!  It's good to put a face to the names, I feel as if I know your family!    Debbie is very beautiful, I know you miss her so much.

And look at that eager face on Marley!  Tatum looks pretty happy too.

My you guys look so young on your wedding day, and Marg, oh my goodness looks so young holding those fish!

Cookie, your dogs are beautiful, I'm sorry you've lost one of them already.

Loved seeing the pictures...everyone send more.  It is nice to put a face to the people you share so much with......Cookie

[KarenK]

Kay,

We were 25 when we married. I was lost and he was hungry. He saved me from myself and I saved him from starvation. We didn't know each other well and yet stayed together for a lot of tough years. I lived in the shadow of his ex-wife's shortcomings and infidelities, something I would wish on no one, I believe in his heart he was a good man.

Tatum is the "stick dog". She literally rips the branches off trees. I have half of a fig tree now. She is energetic and rambunctious and weighs 120 . She rags poor, calm Marley to death wanting to play.

Debbie was my beautiful little cowgirl. I try to only remember her that way before cancer ravaged her body and soul. Robert is my very intelligent long haired hippie. Alike in so many ways, but completely different.

[KarenK]

Both of our dogs came from Humane Societies. We have always had big dogs. I tried walking a small dog, but it just didn't feel right. For sure, it's easier to take a small dog places though. I've only taken Marley to Petsmart and Tractor Supply, although there are dog friendly restaurants. My truck is upholstered in dog hair.  LOL

[Margm]

The last we had made were in about 2011, Billy left in 2015.  The one with Brianna was about the last one she let us make of her.  She hates having her picture taken and will get angry if we do.  She lost her baby fat (I never did), Scott and Kelli as babies and then a couple of years ago in Hot Springs.  My baby boy turned 56 on June 25th.