If You're Going Through Hell

[KarenK]

Great pictures, Marg. Billy as handsome as ever. Where did all the years go and how did we miss our kids getting older? Debbie would be 54 this year and Robert will be 40. He was definitely my surprise baby.

[Margm]

Well, my next door neighbor told me about "the rhythm method."  She had six children.  Kelli was born about 9 months later.  There are five years between them.  Happy to have them both.  Surprise babies are nice too.  Love your pictures Karen.  We share grief for the husband, but, I had to quit going to grief counseling group because they mostly were child losses and I came away so down from each meeting I could not go again.  My  heart is with you my friend.  I'm glad your boys are with you even if you cannot move to the mountains.  At least if you can get in your car you can drive there.  We have hit the 100 degree mark around here and when I shower, even in cool water we have so much humidity (even with the A/C) that I have to sit under the ceiling fan before I can put on my clothes for still sweating.  Love the south though.

[kayc]

You guys are brave, going through pictures.  I have a very hard time doing that.  They sit in a plastic tub and I ignore them.  I have a few pictures up on the wall but I don't dig through the pictures, too painful.  A life gone by.

I agree it's easier to take small dogs places.  Poor Arlie gets a bum rap because he's so big.  He's a sweetheart.  He has his anxiety but he's a good boy.

[KarenK]

If the price of gas doesn't stop rising, I may have to hitchhike to the mountains.  LOL

It doesn't make me sad to look through the 50 odd years of albums that we accumulated. My memory is not what it used to be, so sometimes it helps. The one thing I can't look at is the CD that Debbie's brother-in-law(stepsister's husband) made for her memorial service. It is a collage of photos from her life, set to music. Many of them were new to me as she moved from here at age 15 to live with her dad in Kentucky. She was "in love", didn't work out, but she stayed because she liked Kentucky better. So many years I missed being with her. I watched the CD one time and it broke my heart.

[Margm]

Kay and Karen, my sister gave me all Mama's albums.  When Billy and I stored a bunch of stuff in one of her storage buildings she went through all the boxes and took all the loose pictures and put them in albums.  So, I have albums galore.  The thing I didn't like was before I knew Billy I had pictures.  I used to draw a lot and she burned all the things I had "before Billy" because she did not want him to get jealous.  I had saved all my old bra's cause I would get regular old Walmart ones..  That tickled me about Mama, you don't throw out anything, so she had a bunch of new underwear and loved it.  So, I have no pictures before Billy, no personal pictures.  I have plenty of Billy though, so that is okay.  But no, I cannot do any thing but mostly give them a quick look.  Yes, it does hurt to see them and I have got my years, months, do not count days, but will always remember it was October 17th, a Saturday morning, 2015.  And, as the years go by, however many more I have, I can see them getting to be October 15, 2017, because I hate numbers.  Arithmophobia is a real thing.  

I have a picture somewhere of Billy and his 1958 high school baseball team when they won state that year.  Don't know where it is, but most of them are gone now so it would be a sad picture to me.

[kayc]

My mom destroyed all pictures of me when I was 17, so all I had of my childhood is what was behind other pictures in frames, or what I got of my grandpa's when he died.  Then from age 17-23 all the pictures I had taken were destroyed by my XH when we were divorcing.  He sent the album in to my office via his 18 year old GF with all my family pictures torn up but his intact.  I think that was after he sent me flowers that I gave the janitor to give his wife, but before he shot himself in a ploy to get me back.  Nope, pictures are painful for me.  When I see pictures of my family when my kids were growing up, I can't help but think, "Another family bit the dust."  It's hard.  I don't think I've ever gotten over that marriage/divorce, probably will always have mixed feelings about it, we were married a long time but it was way less than ideal, to say the least.  I've kept the pictures should the kids want them someday.  Their dad has copies so there's plenty for both of them when we pass.  I do like to look at pictures of George, I don't go through them as often as I used to but I have pictures of him up in every room.  That was the happiest time in my life.

Woke up at 11:45 pm and never got back to sleep.  Sure got a lot done though!  I cooked 5 lbs of turkey for Arlie's dogfood, packaged and froze it.  I made him a batch of dogfood.  Got the dishes done.  Did all of my on line stuff and read the news.  About to go walk Arlie, have to get my face on first.  Going to be hot today!

I hope everyone is off the road today, the traffic has been crazy all week!  I'd love to take Arlie to the park today, maybe I will, at least it's only about ten miles away and very little highway driving.

Happy 4th!

[Cookie]

Sweet pictures Marg.....Cookie

[Gwenivere]

Fourth of July.  2 dogs suffocating me because of fire crackers.  Usually a shared load.  As I just wrote in a post on triggers, I’m tired of being 2 people all by myself.  

[Gwenivere]

6 hours ago, kayc said:

Woke up at 11:45 pm and never got back to sleep.  Sure got a lot done though!  I cooked 5 lbs of turkey for Arlie's dogfood, packaged and froze it.  I made him a batch of dogfood.  Got the dishes done.  Did all of my on line stuff and read the news.  About to go walk Arlie, have to get my face on first.  Going to be hot today!

Gonna be hot here today too.  Doing food shopping as I have nothing else to do.  

We are polar ends in this sleep thing, Kay.  I go to bed and dread when it is time to get up.  Often wish I never wake up.  I don’t like this new world and all it’s changes.  The tasks that once had meaning I do as a robot.  They feel so redundant when they never did before.  It was part of living our life together.  I don’t remember not minding getting up because we had plans, and not this new medical life I live with so many problems. Very poor substitute for usual daily life.  Now it how to fill more hours awake.  Nothing new to do.  Watching the time creep by slowly now.  A day lasts way too long now.  Used to be just right.

[Margm]

Some of us (somewhere) were talking about how they used to just lay in bed in the mornings.  I guess part of my protection to myself, I wake up, as soon as I know I am awake (moments), my feet hit the floor.  At night, I take my Xanax and Clonidine which makes me sleepy too.  I put in the ear buds, I'm gone.  That is something I cannot do.  I cannot lay in bed and think.  By the time I have made coffee, checked my messages, I am going along at my pace.  No thinking.  Although I wanted to go out by the first apartment last night and Brianna (my new mother) told me it was too late.  Think I will ride out there right now though. 

Our first 4th of July we went to my mom and dad's and we walked up a part of Dorcheat Bayou we had not been on and Daddy was in his little homemade wooden pirogue.  I loved that going up that bayou, or down it.  Some places you would have to get out and carry the boat across.  Billy bought one and I wanted one.  He put me out in the water and I just went round and round.  We got it out and took it back and traded it for a two man one.  

Have as happy a 4th as you all can.  It has been a sort of down week, but that just happens.

[Gin]

Marg,. Al left this earth about 2 weeks before Billy.  Oct. 4, 2015.  Sure does not seem possible that I survived this long without him.  It sure is a hard journey!

[Margm]

Gin, at first my family just worried the dickens out of me.  I still have to take care of business that was my mama's and my sister's.  Lots of other things happened, there are still a lot of roads we, as a family, have to go down and some are rough.  My granddaughter is in counseling.  So many other things.  But you know what, as old as I am now, how much longer do I have anyhow?  I have some things I want to have time to do, if I cannot. my kids know what to do.  Still have my house in Arkansas I've gotta arrange to sell and hope the people can buy it cause I sure don't want it. Gotta get my mother's house in my sisters name alone.  Right now I would like an apartment with a washing machine.  I miss Billy so much, but he cannot help me now.  I just gotta pull up my big girl panties and hope I can get it all done.  Anyhow, at least with all this other stuff on my mind, the grief seeps through when I am by  myself.  I have to go about 35 miles away from home in the morning and I will be by myself.  It is country all the way up there so no traffic.  So, I have plenty of time to talk to Billy and cry.  I will.  All those years we had together, we still had to make time for ourselves and it looks like we are still doing it.  I think rather than fuss about the bother they cause me I guess I ought to be thankful there are plenty of distractions.  I love driving in the country by myself.  I think all this has pushed me thus far.  I still want to buy that  monument but kinda afraid when I do that...................no, someone will find something for me to do.

I was ready to follow Billy when he left.  He said the one who lives must stay.  I'm gonna follow him sometime sooner or later.  I'm not afraid.

[kayc]

16 hours ago, Marg M said:

I cannot lay in bed and think.

Oh how I wish I could turn my brain off!  It's my anxiety run rampant!

My GF sleeps all the time (her depression), how I wish I could sleep my life away!  But my mind won't let me and there's always things to do!  I guess a happy medium would be nice.  Yesterday my sister told me I needed a warm body to snuggle up to and then I could sleep.  I had that.  Oh so long ago!  I know she's right that if George was here, I wouldn't have any sleep issues.  When he was here, all was right with the world.

[kayc]

16 hours ago, Marg M said:

He put me out in the water and I just went round and round.  We got it out and took it back and traded it for a two man one.  

  Thank you for that Marg, it gave me a belly laugh!

[kayc]

On 7/4/2018 at 6:20 PM, Marg M said:

Gotta get my mother's house in my sisters name alone.

Marg, iDon't know how it is there, but here it's easy...my ex-boss did that, transferred his house into his ex-wife's name, he downloaded the form off the internet, I filled it out, he took it to the courthouse, it was a minimal fee, Lord knows he never had a dollar to his name, and it was done.  Very easy!

[Margm]

1 minute ago, kayc said:

When he was here, all was right with the world.

Kay, can any of us say this any better?  I don't even have to write one of my word salads.  Just those 10 words.  Thank you.  Headed out in my little country journey now.  

[Margm]

1 minute ago, kayc said:

.my ex-boss did that, transferred his house into his ex-wife's name, he downloaded the form off the internet,

I'm going to look for that.  I am so tired of paying $100 to just look at a lawyer, but my sister thinks that has to be done.  Will look for this.  We did nothing in Arkansas.  But because there are two of us here, Louisiana law is different.  You have to pay to die.

[Gwenivere]

If I could sleep with Steve next to me life would have meaning again.  

[TomPB]

Back from Ptown. Some good and some very painful reminders of loss, as usual. Beautiful beaches, one very bad interaction with the husband of one of Susan's sisters who we used to be close with as couples. Some amazing things happened which those who don't believe in coincidences sometimes call "godshots". I suppose I am less self conscious about being alone but still was seeing nothng but couples and larger groups on the beach and thinking "doesn't anyone go to the beach alone"?. Sad to be in the water and see my single beach chair without Susan next to it waving. 

One little incident really summed up this sad new life. A sticky label from a new shirt stuck to my back and I could barely reach it. Susan would have removed it joking about how 🐼 attract junk but I had a hard time and was ready to ask a stranger when I finally got it.

Then as on previous trips, coming back to what could pass as a shrine to Susan hit me hard, I can understand why people move. Best to all, Tom PB

[Margm]

Went to see a friend today.  I am revising what I wrote.  Sometimes I get too wordy.  I can see my friend, one of the most vivacious people I have ever known, always the life of the party, everyone loves her.  Still do.  And her little life is spent looking at a wall.  We had planned on her being in assisted living one street over from where I live and eventually all three of us living there.  My friend drank wine at night.  I guess over a period of time it takes it's toll.  I walked into her room today and she was covered up, looking at the wall on the side of her bed.  I know Gwen has seen many of her nursing home patients/friends doing the same.  I want to try to go up there once a week instead of once a month.  They are calling it Alzheimer's and they will treat it as such.  She was sitting up in a chair the last time I was there.  She had had a  blood clot somewhere and nearly died, but she pulled through and today we carried on a conversation about being kids and she followed my thinking right along with me, she knew me, and oh my, I wish I could help her so much.  Her best friend and I will make more trips up there.  It is not but 33 miles away.  I feel so helpless, but I guess  all we can do is try to stimulate her mind as often as we can.  There are other people who have people that care about them but do not want to be bothered.  

I may have mentioned it.  One of the first reports I typed was a woman who could not get her kids to come see her.  One day she decided she would "show them."  They were going to miss her.  She took an overdose of sleeping pills.  She slept three days and no one ever checked on her.  My heart is hurting tonight for friends.  And some for me too.  

 

 

[Gin]

Marg, you sure look good!

[Margm]

Gin, I took it down, it was too big, but thank you anyhow.  Probably one of the last times I put on makeup and a little red paint never hurt any old barn.

 

[kayc]

So I missed it!

That's sad about the lady taking the sleeping pill.    Doubt it showed her kids anything.  I'd never do that to my kids, I care about them too much, even if they are busy with their lives, isn't that what we raise them to be?

Tom,

Glad you had a good trip!  I'm sure there was plenty of pain involved too but that's part of processing our grief so it's not all for naught.  Gosh, even things like getting a sticker off our back calls our attention to their absence!

[iPraiseHim]

14 hours ago, Marg M said:

...  I want to try to go up there once a week instead of once a month.  They are calling it Alzheimer's and they will treat it as such.  She was sitting up in a chair the last time I was there.  She had had a  blood clot somewhere and nearly died, but she pulled through and today we carried on a conversation about being kids and she followed my thinking right along with me, she knew me, and oh my, I wish I could help her so much. 

 

 

I believe you have helped and continue to help just by being there and her friend.  Unfortunately, we can not save people from themselves.  I have a challenge just doing the right things for myself.  Keep doing Marg as you do each day! 😊 {{{ HUGS }}} - Shalom

[Margm]

That was so sweet George, thank you.   I mentioned the two friends of Billy's that I considered mine too, certainly over the years, I knew them almost as long as I did my friends.  We were always so close, we all played dominoes and Rook at each other's houses and I am afraid I am too human, when I came back down here without Billy, it seemed the friendship had gone with Billy.  I checked on them again today.  One of the women had called me to tell me that our other friend's husband had had a stroke and was in the nursing home.  I went once to visit and the woman and I hugged just like we used to.  They have three boys that help them out, so I only went once.  I called the friend who had let me know our friend had had a stroke and it was a cold impersonal conversation.  I won't call again, but I think her 80-year-old husband has his ups and downs and I think has dementia of some kind and perhaps being friendly in an environment like that is sorta hard.  My cousin and her husband defeated prostate cancer and he fell immediately into a declining dementia.  I hear the concern and a feeling of imprisonment that she has when she posts on Facebook.  In pictures, he stands and smiles, but this slow death of his mind, I can really tell how it hurts his wife.  

I know we each lost our loved ones different ways, but the end results are the same.  We all look back and think if we had only done something different.  Finally, and I think I have reached that point, he is gone, I did not cause it, possibly I should have noticed something I didn't, but we were together night and day, we finally decided to get the work we knew had to be done on his back. After that visit we were referred to the staff neurosurgeon at the state hospital.  He had an aneurysm.  We still had hope.  Celebrated by eating at Outback, Billy loved a T-bone, almost better than biscuits and gravy.  The rest went with him being gone.  We didn't know, it was too fast, and there is not a damn thing I can do or actually could do.  I cannot go back and change a thing.  There was no miracle this time, we had used them all up and now he is gone long enough I could speak to my friend this morning without crying.  She and her husband got Billy and me together.  They stood up for us at the wedding.  A couple of years ago they called and I knew I could not talk to her without crying.  I talked to her this morning.  I called her and we have not talked in years.  I said her name and there was no hesitation, she knew who I was.  

At 75 you do not do too much looking ahead and planning.  I never learned how to swim, but I learned how to tread water, and I guess that is what I'm doing.  After seeing my friend looking at the wall, I have tried to touch base with my closest friends and relatives and other than owing a couple of emails (letters), I think I'm good.  My son is coming this next week for awhile so I have to go wash all my winter blankets and quilts.  I just noticed it was July 7th  today.  That would have been our anniversary if we hadn't had a "hurry up" wedding and moved it to the 3rd.

Ah freedom of marriage, away from my domineering mother........."Billy, I'm gonna take the car and go see Robbie"  to which Billy replied "No you aren't."  Frying pan into the fire. (we worked all that out).  I sure miss him.