If You're Going Through Hell

[KarenK]

Thanks for asking, Kay. She seems to be feeling a bit better and her nose is looking a bit better. Will be seeing the vet in 11 days for a recheck and to start tapering off the Prednisone, replacing it with another med.

The stove is in and working. It's electric, so no gas lines. Went through that with the new water heater, permits and all. I couldn't get the older type with coils(backordered), so had to settle for the radiant heat kind. It was $100 more, which didn't cost me anything. It has convection cooking also which I will probably never use and is digital and will take some getting used to. I had been using the old one for 32 years. How time flies!!

MIssing Marg! Where is she?

Is Peggy on Medicare? They should pay for a wheelchair. Also, maybe the hospital has a social worker scenario you could talk to about some of the stuff she needs.

[Margm]

On 8/7/2018 at 2:08 AM, Gwenivere said:

 I’ve had so many non smokers and docs say those 'oh so simple' words.   Just quit.  

Gwen, they add things to cigarettes to make them more addictive, I seem to remember even ammonia.  I am not going to preach to quit cause my 95-year-old mother had a bumper sticker on her car that said "I'm a voter and I'm a smoker" or bassackwards.  My mother had no friends, but her words were that her cigarettes were her friends.  Billy quit smoking because the nicotine was stopping up his arteries and he had three kidney arteries blocked and blood pressure put him in ICU;.  But, he could not give up the tobacco, he switched over to oral tobacco, which to my belief gave him the liver cancer..  It was so pitiful, he would bring a can of Copenhagen to me and show me he had only had two cans the whole week.  Gwen, I never tried to make him quit.  He wanted to but he just could not.  My sister is kicking the alcohol again, but the two cartons of cigarettes per week, either over a week, or under, depends on the stress, at $65 a carton in Louisiana.  I cannot buy them.  I cannot afford them.  She is just a smidgen from being placed on oxygen.  She gets out of breath walking a short few feet.  I don't blame her.  I blame the tobacco industry.  Some say they quit, they put them down and don't pick them back up.  My son quit the oral tobacco, mentioned getting back on again and Billy told him never to do that.  I was on amphetamines seven years (years ago, legal prescription), then it became illegal.  They put me in a psych hospital.  I had the "longing" for an amphetamine for years.  I was too afraid to get the illegal ones.  I emptied the ones we found from my son's room (illegal) down the commode.  One stuck on the side of the nasty commode.  I saw it.  I went back and picked it off the side of the dirty commode and then I flushed it.  I had sunk so low I would consider taking a dirty commode capsule..  That was it for me.  I still had the longing, but the decision was in stone.  

It has been almost three years since Billy left me.  I am one fortunate person that has the aggravation and worry from a close family.  At one time it was a fuss because I want to be put in assisted living or a nursing home when the time comes, unless I go some other way.  I will not do to my kids what my mom did to my sister........and me.  I said I was going to quit writing so much.  I hurt still.  There will never be anyone else in my life, of that I am sure.  I have medical problems that would make it impossible even if I was crazy enough to think anyone could even come close to comparing to Billy.  I do not need companionship and I won't have a fur baby.  I would like to make a smooth, quick, get-away, if the good Lord allows me. 

Gwen, I am so sorry you are suffering.  Honestly, if you were closer, we would have to make some time to spend ..............talking, cause I cannot drink.  I so admire all the years you have put into helping people in nursing homes and I sincerely wish that good human blessing that you give people confined to rooms could be shared with you, because you deserve it.  

There are some really good people on this forum, and Gwen, you are one of them.  I cannot name you all out by name, I would forget someone.  You have my  heart girl.   

[kayc]

4 hours ago, KarenK said:

It has convection cooking also which I will probably never use

I've never used one but my friends that have them say they don't want anything else!  Give it a try, you might be pleasantly surprised. 

I'm glad Marley is on the mend!!

[kayc]

4 hours ago, KarenK said:

Is Peggy on Medicare? They should pay for a wheelchair. Also, maybe the hospital has a social worker scenario you could talk to about some of the stuff she needs.

Yes, she's 74, she also has good insurance as she retired from the USFS.  They told her they were going to give her a pain patch yesterday, today they told her they're taking her pain medication away!  Her husband gets mad if anyone tries to help on her behalf, today he yelled at her friend who'd made a suggestion, since he's there all day every day it's hard to do anything without him there.

She's not in the hospital now, she's in rehab.  They gave a list of places she can call for a ride to the doctor (for a fee of course) but haven't gone over her house needs that I know of yet.  She will need a ramp and the house will have to be wheelchair accessible, the bathroom probably the biggest problem, may have to take door and casing off it.

[Gin]

I really dislike weekends.  The days are so very long.  I went to the health club, but that is all.  My daughter called and said, "I can't believe the day is almost over.  It flew by.".  I said, "I can't believe I still have 7 hours left".  And another one just like it tomorrow.

[widow'15]

On 8/25/2018 at 2:55 PM, Gin said:

I really dislike weekends. 

Gin:  I totally understand your feelings about weekends.  Long about Friday evenings I begin to dread going to bed because I know there will be two long days where there will be no neighbors coming and going.  As I sit at my table and look down the street I feel like I am in the "Twilight Zone" and I am the only one left on this earth.  These two days, I rarely leave the house cause the traffic outside my neighborhood has picked up on weekends at the grocery stores and shopping malls with everyone else being busy with their lives.  My small family is always so busy with their own chores and activities, and the distance to drive to their house, if they are home to "drop in" is not easy for me.  On those days I do begin to wonder what am I going to do with myself with all this alone time I am left with.  There has to be more to life than this.   Eventually I make myself get back to the never ending task of sorting through, or cleaning up something that once was so carefully done by my husband.  While doing this chore it is a sad reminder of the end of a happy life I used to have with my loving husband.  I pray for Monday to come.  Dee

[kayc]

I walk my dog, twice a day, every day, and it's been a good chance to visit with neighbors this time of year...it's not this way in the winter when everyone is inside, but this time of year they're sitting on their front porch or maybe doing yard work and they stop and talk.  My heart goes out to you, Gwen, because I know it's not possible for you right now, you'd likely dearly love that luxury of walking your dogs.  How are you doing right now?  I am almost scared to ask...

Gin, I remember also dreading the weekends, it seems since I retired one day rates the same as another, before there was that distinction, M-F was for working, S-S meant free time on my hands where everyone else was busy enjoying their families...and then there was me.  I know what you mean, all too well!

Dee, I've become busy volunteering, maybe a little too much, in an effort to have some sort of a schedule, have some purpose, get out and be around people.  I still need time alone at home to get things done, but if I'm busy it's not too bad, but I've had a lot more time to digest this.  I miss having George here doing yard work and fixing him something to eat, that man loved to eat!

[scba]

I`ve been at the ER today. I went to pick up a blod test result, and for some reason I had to wait for the doctor to hand them to me. She told me very bad news about the results and that new tests are requested. I don't want to go on details. 

I lost it. I started to cry the way I did when 4 years ago a doctor called me to tell that my husband was dying.

They asked me if I had a husband or a relative to call and I yelled: he is dead! And now I may be sick. I´m going to die because I have no strength to fight this. My husband died and I`m next!

They took me to ER and sedated me.

What is this hell I`m living? Where is God leading me?. What is this horrible lesson? What kind of cruel test this is?

I was fine yesterday, today I`m in hospital out of the blue.

I don`t know how I will go on. Anniversary is next week, and I`ve this too to deal with. 

When the put the IV on my arm, I was taken back years ago, he was in hospital, now I`m on hospital, now I`m carrying an IV. Now I`m sick. And he is dead.

Please pray for me that there is a mistake and I`m healthy, prayers is all that is left. 

 

 

 

[MartyT]

Oh Ana ~ I'm so terribly sorry to learn this upsetting news! Of course we will keep you in our thoughts and prayers, as we send positive hopes for health and healing to you . . . ❤️

[Gin]

Anna,  you are definitely in my thoughts and prayers.    Gin

 

[KarenK]

Oh Ana,

Your news just breaks my heart. Will be thinking of you across the miles and praying for different results in the new tests.

[Margm]

Ana, I have been so down in my back lately I have to use a walking stick to stand up.  My pelvic bones are honeycombed from the radiation so many years ago.  The thing that "cured" me still hurts me in so many ways.  My daughter cannot pay her car note but she comes and gets my clothes to wash and dry and takes my trash out which is so worth more to me because sometimes it hurts me to get around.  I am so much older than you, I have had a wonderful, tumultuous sometimes, full life and you young ones, well, I have been given the fatal diagnoses twice and have somehow made it through them.  Cannot take pain killers so I would walk off the pain in front of my house and Billy would watch me.  Eventually, the cause of the pain ruptured and the pain and fever were miraculously gone.  Well, the pain never left but would let up sometimes where I don't need a walker or assistance walking so I figure I am lucky.  Please know that sometimes what we expect as the next fatal diagnosis is not always so.  My heart is with you my young friend and yes, I am praying for the very best for you and hope you get wonderful medical care.  It is lonely not having our mate with us.  Billy always took care of me but only would let me take care of him five weeks, and I know he had to give up, but I didn't want him to.  I am praying my friend.  I know the fright of waiting for medical tests, the anxiety is terrible.   

[Gwenivere]

Ana, I am so sorry this has happened.  I am in the same place.  Just got out of the hospital, whole world upside down again because of my illness.  Watched this happen to Steve and now the battle comes to us and we don’t have the support we were able to give them.  Makes the pain and fight harder and feel so much more unfair.  

Definitely will be hoping you are healthy.  🦋

[Widowedbysuicide]

I too hope the test results are wrong. May the new tests be clear and may you feel better.  

I'm sure this is very distressing for you.  I wish I could be there to try to assist you.  ❤️

[kayc]

Ana, I hope also that the results are wrong.  I know that fear, it is the same fear all of us here have that don't have a partner by our sides to help us in these hard times.  Right now your mind is likely going to the worst as you're being hit with shocking news, try to take deep breaths, things have a way of working out somehow, and that is what I am hoping for you.  Damned if it isn't the pits though, so hard, so unfair.  None of us resent our spouses for getting to go first and having someone there beside them through it all when we're left behind and our worst fears come true, but it IS unfair and wrong and it can't help but enter our minds as we fear it.  I just hope the test comes out different, really hoping...

[Kieron]

💖Thinking good thoughts on your behalf.  I can only echo the sentiments others have already expressed so well.

[Margm]

Ana, you have not written anything else.  Please do.  

I have had the storm clouds from Hurricane Gordon (or whatever his name is).  I love clouds.  Thanks Judy Colllins.

"I've looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down and still somehow
It's cloud's illusions I recall
I really don't know clouds at all"

And I have been talking a blue streak to Billy every time I get in the car and sometimes I feel he is all around me.  I don't know what it is with me and clouds, and the moon.  They listen.

 

 

[kayc]

Ana, It's been six days, have they scheduled another test?  Worried about you!

[Widowedbysuicide]

You are in my thoughts Ana.  I know I am unable to be there to help you physically but I want to offer my support in some way.

[MartyT]

and hoping to hear from you soon, dear Ana ❤️

[scba]

Dear all, first of all thank you for and I am sorry for having worried you all, please apologise me.

After the ER episode, I was confused, in shock, denial, pain and anguish. I felt lost and so much pain in my head and chest for the psychologic stress. I felt vulnerable and shed tears out of nowhere. My head could not understand how I could have got a chronic disease OUT OF NOWHERE, no related with my clinic history, with my family, my lifestyle. I have no symthoms. NO CLUE OF HOW THE HELL THIS HAS HAPPENED. If the doctor told me "cancer" I would have attributed to my grief....but no, it is not cancer.

I didn't dare to schedule further tests in terror of their outcome. I made an appointment with my family doctor and today we revised my clinical history, the rest of tests I made which were fine, and no, no clue. She explained me why the test could be wrongly performed, sth rare but she had had some cases. After this appointment I left with a more reasonable explanation and I am going to test next week. And be the result whatever God decides. 

I am sorry for not having let you know more and haven t written again. I am sorry for having worried you.

I do care about each of you and have missed you all.

Please all take care and I pray that God look after you.

Peace

Ana

[scba]

Thank you all 

[Margm]

Ana, I think we all miss someone when we don't hear from them and we all were on alert for you.  Thank you for getting back in touch with us and please, I hope you have some family and friends with you.  Please know we all care.  💗

[widow'15]

Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers.  🙏  Dee

[kayc]

Ana, we need to apologies or explanation, just know that we care for you.  You're in our thoughts and prayers and it does sound like you're in a little better place since talking with your doctor.  Hoping for the best for you though!