If You're Going Through Hell

[Gwenivere]

4 hours ago, widow'15 said:

 Gone are the days when I could keep more balls in the air. 

And ironically we are given more with less hands to handle them.  

[Gwenivere]

Well, came home from the vet with 2 patients with varying treatments for the next 10 to 14 days.  Ally can’t kick this ear infection, so more meds and cleaning her ears at home.  Melody has some kind of skin thing and needs 2 meds per day.  While they had them downstairs to do tests, I sat in the car and cried.  I was Steve’s nurse for so long.  Now I have solutions, pills, cleaning pads in 2 piles on the kitchen table.  The anniversary of his death is Monday.  It all just flooded me of those days of times he needed pills or extra help.  At least back then I wasn’t in constant pain like I am now, on oxygen and dealing with nicotine withdrawal.  This was also the week I was told one of my volunteer days was cancelled.  If only he were here to help with the kids and help me fill that void at the nursing home.  I know this stuff would have happened anyway, or maybe not as days would have been different and maybe they wouldn’t have been exposed to the bacteria, but since it did,  I get yet more reminders of his absence.  Rhetorical question, but why, oh why, isn’t the darned loneliness enough torture?  I don’t see how I will ever find a place of stability when it feels like some power is thinking is fun to see how far a person in grief can be pushed.  I feel I’m running scared all the time.  What’s next?  Will one week ever pass without some kind of extra challenge?    Just have to blow off some self pity.  

[KarenK]

Having my own quiet "pity party", Gwen, but for somewhat different reasons. Can't sleep for worrying about my stupid teeth. Three front bottom teeth were loose and my dentist was going to wire them to the surrounding teeth. One of them snapped off at the gumline two nights ago and I know when the remaining piece is removed, it will take out the other two teeth. Like you with your oxygen, I never dreamed I'd end up a snaggle toothed old woman. I doubt I can afford a bridge if one would even work. My son offered to pay for it from his house sale money, but that's dwindling fast enough with him unable to work right now. I certainly don't need to look attractive for anyone, but would like to look halfway normal and continue to eat.

Here I am feeling sorry for myself when my poor Ron had all his teeth pulled in one day in preparation for radiation. All that extra pain for nothing as he died before the radiation could be started.

[kayc]

9 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I don’t see how I will ever find a place of stability when it feels like some power is thinking is fun to see how far a person in grief can be pushed.  I feel I’m running scared all the time.  What’s next?  Will one week ever pass without some kind of extra challenge?

Oh Gwen, I've felt like that.  I don't literally feel some power is wreaking havoc, but honestly, it sure seems life seems that way sometimes.  I've been going through it with the vehicles and home lately, always needing something.  Then my dog (with Colitis) threw up last night.  No idea why, but it concerns me because I have to manage his sensitive system, I cook for him, he hasn't been exposed to anything except dogs nose around on walks, etc, who know what he might have licked at, what germs he might have ingested.  Was supposed to get my truck in to someone today, been planning it all month, last night he told me he's busy today, wants me to bring it by Sunday...Sunday when I'm super busy, guess I'll have to cancel plans.  My son spent hours on my car the beginning of the month, thought it was okay, but it's not, now he's thinking maybe the control module.  Lord knows what one of those can cost or how in-depth the fix will be.  Will swap vehicles later this month so he can check it out.  and winter is coming.

No, I don't think life ever quits handing us curves, but when we had our partner, we felt we could handle anything together.  Now...what we wouldn't give to feel their arms around us.  Just five minutes, even!

Karen, I feel for you.  In June 2011 I fell and hit my upper front teeth on a rock, shearing it off at the base.  I literally held it in place for months as I looked for work.  Who will hire someone missing their upper front teeth?  Finally in January I paid for a bridge, $3,200, the alternative of implants was $4,000 and I wish I could have opted for that, but it was hard enough for $3,200.  A year later it had to be replaced.  I had a partial for my back teeth once but lost the teeth it adhered to so now I don't have back teeth, only one lone straggler.  I'm one that dreads the dentist, not for the drilling, etc., I'm a model patient, but for whatever news they give, and the bill at the end.

[Margm]

Ah, the teeth quandary.  I had full uppers at 19.  My teeth were evil, tortuous things that kept me up nights as a child until they were cut  out, could not be pulled.  They all had some sort of tumor growing that ate the roots.  Was not in medical transcription at the time and still have never heard of this.  Oral surgery had to be used for everything.  Then, over 50 years later a small remnant of bone not scraped, or remnant of tooth came to life and caused an infection that made my neck swell so with fluid it was a horrid mess to drain.  Surgery was performed by ENT to remove this but the drainage of the mass under my neck was like a huge tumor had grown between my chin and my cricoid bone.  Then surgery was performed and I went for my last checkup the week after Billy left me.  What they still offer me (oral surgeons) is implants totaling up to near $10,000 with no guarantee certainly and medications to keep from having infections from the implants that would kill me.  Knowing this, they still insist that this is what I need.  My lower jaw does not ever fit with dentures so I glue them in with Fixodent.  I am not worried about my looks, but I do worry  about me and antibiotics.  Sometimes doctors do not listen to the patient.  Really, really, really...............sometimes it is about the money.  My ENT doc felt there might still be a remnant of tooth/bone left after surgery so I go back to oral surgeon who says he does not see it, but he will put in implants.  After me refusing twice before.  They cannot guarantee any of the expensive tooth saver techniques, and as you have said, the expensive stuff failed.  It is your business, your money, your life, your looks, if the fit is for you, do it.  The fit is not for me.  

[Gwenivere]

7 hours ago, kayc said:

 Now...what we wouldn't give to feel their arms around us.  Just five minutes, even!  

I’m not sure I would take that.  It’s not enough and I’d have to go thru losing him again.  It’s hard enough in dreams.  

[Margm]

I have been so cranky and mean lately.  I don't know what to say "I'm  sorry" for except just being.  Been needing more and more sleep.  Finally went in about the pneumonia vaccine I have never had and will get it Monday, the first one.  Next year I will get the Pneumovax 23.  Monday the Prevnar 13.  I guess having the bronchitis scared me.  Also signed up for physical therapy since I have "tin man syndrome" from Wizard of Oz.  I have my Ensure in the morning, take my supplements, but even if I just eat a sandwich and nothing else I will gain weight because I am not burning up more calories than I'm taking in and It has me worried, so I have literally got to get up off my fat behind and do something.  I let my elliptical go to someone who just scooped it up, free, and my mind was on nothing I was doing.  Okay, will be my Christmas present to me.  Walking is good, but if I get too far from the house and things happen that I am too far away to do anything about............well, TMI.  If I have to stay, just as well give it a whirl. Clouds out everywhere today but I did not talk to my Billy.  Have you ever just felt unnecessary?

 

[Gwenivere]

Oh Marg!  I feel unnecessary every single day.  It’s one of the worst feelings I’ve ever experienced.  As the time passes without Steve I keep finding more ways I don’t.  Having been thru so many phases in 4 years, I keep finding another door.  This year was harder because of the back issues that have curtailed doing so much I used to do.  Getting a housekeeper was a huge blow.  I volunteered today and it was so hard walking around.  I hate thinking I will have to give it up as I already experienced losing one day.  

Ive never had weight issues, but Steve did and I learned how it affected his self esteem.  He eventually gave up just before he got sick.  Accepted buying larger clothes.  But he knew it was his overeating.  He just couldn’t control it.  I knew he was doing his diets wrong.  But it was such a sore point I stayed out of it eventually.   All I could do is not bring too many snacks in the house.  But he could get anything going out, I wasn’t going to police him.  

You are being very wise getting the vaccines.  That is one thing we can give ourselves.  I’m a believer they work because mynlungs are shot and my recent hospitalization assumed pneumonia and it wasn’t.   Not that what I had was any easier.  Prevnar is more important, both both are needed.  I wish you luck on the loosing pounds.  I’d love to be able to walk just because I like it.  I want to clean my own house and car.  The last thing we need is to sit around with time to spend missing our guys.  He may not be here, but I sure would like to maintain it for us.  It means a lot to me.  

Have you had your thyroid checked?  Your food intake sounds pretty minimal already.  Thyroid could add pounds if it goes whacky.  I should be gaining weight like crazy with mine so it’s a mystery in my case.  But that is a very typical symptom.  

[Margm]

Gwen, I am on a "low residue diet" because of the colon rupture.  I can have all the bad things but no fresh or canned veggies, no salads, plenty of white bread, cakes, ice cream, just nothing with fiber count.  But still, I could lose weight, I've done it before.  One paranoid idea I had was if I was losing weight the cancer had returned.  Now I think I can control it if I just get a hold of it.  I am not  on a walker or cane yet and if I get an elliptical, I can lose the weight.  I just have not cared about anything enough to try to.  Lots of reasons to try but sometimes the emptiness fills up the time more than anything else, like not opening any of these boxes and not knowing what is in them.  I just bought what I needed as I needed it to keep from using anything "we" used.  Guess we all have our eccentricities.  Thanks for making me feel better about the vaccines.  My clinician was waiting for me to okay it.  

[kayc]

I understand your feelings, Marg.  I have battled weight ever since my son was born...I became allergic to nearly everything I loved and they couldn't get it under control so they put me on prednisone...bam, 60 lbs heavier, just like that!  It's been on, off, on, off.  Those empty fat cells readily fill up again once you have them!  I've tried exercising it off, Weight Watchers, you name it, the most effective diet I ever did was Prysm, I kept the weight off for several years.  After George died I didn't care, bam, weight up again.  I lost a bunch about four years ago, but here I am again.  It's harder to lose the older I get.  I don't think I have the willpower or discipline to do Keto.  I have to hand it to my son, he's lost 45 lbs on it and kept it off, plus his Diverticulosis (IBS) symptoms are way better.  Good numbers.  Our George (iPraiseHim) has been telling us this for years.  But to get rid of carrots, apples, oranges, bananas, breads, pasta, rice, beans, wow, that's a lot of changes, to name a few!  I'd have to empty my pantry, freezer, and kitchen!  I don't know how my son does it, especially since his family is still eating all the junk, and his coworkers give him a hard time.  They can give him a hard time but he's the one who's dwindled before their eyes and has boundless energy!  I think if I had a co-partner urging me on I could do it, when I did Prysm, my daughter and I did it together, it really helped, so did the support group.  And I was a Prysm Director for four years, when you're leading everyone else you HAVE to do it!

Marg, your idea about getting an elliptical is a good one, if you can't help the kinds of food you eat, your next best choice is to up the exercise.  And at least it'll turn some of it into muscle so even if you don't weigh less, you'll look and feel better!  Me, I get tired just dealing with taking care of this place, the firewood, picking up branches, and soon will be shoveling snow.  Right now my 4 1/2 year old roof is leaking (house), grr!  Have someone coming out today, hope they can take care of it. 

[Margm]

I cannot swim and my responsibilities just keep my head above water.  The bipolar moods of my kids frighten me, for them, but honestly, bipolar is not all that it is made out to be on TV.  With Scott it has always been the depression.  With Kelli, it is her temper sometimes but leaving the situation she has been in for 11 years, leaving a known habit (not drugs) but abusive person (and my daughter could dish it out also. ) Dealing with my granddaughter's fears (and this world provides many) down to "what if" and I finally hit the wall yesterday and said "what if on our way to Shreveport we were broadsided in that little car"  "what if, what if what if."  I don't think I helped.  I try to leave that to the counselor and yes, it was caused by my daughters many moves, taking her out of schools, Billy (her daddy) dying, and the world as a whole.  I had wanted to leave, I cannot keep myself from leaving, but it seems it is necessary to stay.  My little poem "I'm not that important, life does go on, if I was not here, then I'd be gone" simplistically comes into play.  And, I cannot leave out my sister, who I know lost her nearly paid for car through her fog of alcohol.  (2003 until six months ago), and I didn't even have my head screwed on enough to know this.  She gets her 6 month chip tomorrow (at least I think it was that).  I am heartless, my mama was mean and she would have been in a nursing home if I was an only child.  But, we finalized the papers of  Mama's succession and my signing everything over to her last week or so, and if she can get a car will go back to work in January.  The house is falling down around her with neither of us strong enough to fix anything and not enough money to hire it done.  Same things most of us are facing, some differences.  My daughter takes my clothes, washes them, folds them up, brings them home to me.  Can I fuss????  My son moves here tomorrow.  I pray things go smooth.  Money is all I can do to help, and I put back money to help with his move.  Sometimes at the end of the month we are barely hanging on.  But we are still here.  There are those with a lot more problems.  On this forum, there are those that are not as blessed as I am yet all day yesterday I was like an angry person.  It was just like I was an empty person, depended on, maybe needing to be depended on, but of limited funds both financially and mentally.   

[shebert56]

Quick update on my eyes.  All well, other than the right cataract has changed my vision.  It hasn't grown, but it prevents 20-20 in that eye.  No macular degeneration or glaucoma!

I don't focus on seeing the slight halo and can see past it.  The doc even agreed that there's nothing that needs doing until I really feel it significantly affects my vision.  

One last appt to make next week.  Dermatologist.  Stephen harped on me for years to get a physical, once a small bit of melanoma in situ was discovered behind one of his ears.  Time to stop promising to do so, and do it.

My  back muscle spasm went away in three days, so good to go there.

~Shirley

 

[MartyT]

2 hours ago, shebert56 said:

the right cataract has changed my vision.  It hasn't grown, but it prevents 20-20 in that eye. 

For what it's worth, Shirley, I decided to go ahead with cataract surgery this past summer, because when I had my yearly eye exam, I was told that my vision in one eye could no longer be corrected with glasses. That's how we knew it was time to remove my cataracts. Having had many different surgeries in my life, these were by far the easiest and least disruptive, and I couldn't be more pleased with the results. If the cataract in your right eye is stable, you can feel good about waiting. Just keep tabs on it with your yearly eye exam. And good for you for taking such good care of your physical health! Grief is exhausting, and it takes all the strength we can muster ~ so staying as healthy as we can is SO important!  ♥️

[shebert56]

@MartyT, I would have it removed if Stephen was here.  I'm not brave enough quite yet to tackle that alone.  I'm going to wait until next year, when I move home near family.  Then I'll address it right away.  (Louisiana, here I come!)

~Shirley

[widow'15]

10 hours ago, shebert56 said:

Quick update on my eyes.  All well, other than the right cataract has changed my vision.  It hasn't grown, but it prevents 20-20 in that eye.  No macular degeneration or glaucoma!

Shirley:  Great news, no macular degeneration or glaucoma.  We take all the good news we can when we are without our spouse/partner.  Dee

[scba]

Hello everybody:

I wanted to update you that my second health tests have got good results and so, I`m not sick.

However, doctors cannot explain some otucomes from blood tests. My Ph. mentioned PTSD. Which makes sense to me.

Thanks for your thoughts and prayers during these endless weeks fo awaiting.

Peace

Ana. 

[kayc]

Shirley,

I wouldn't know what to do if I could see 20/20, been since I was a kid, and even with glasses it's a compromise at best.  I'm glad your cataract hasn't grown.  I've had them for years but they're waiting for them to worsen before they remove them. ???

Ana,

Not sure what to make of that, I only hope it doesn't cause you problems.  PTSD makes perfect sense when you're grieving, if you ask me!

[kevin]

Kay , didn't you just have some roof work done?

[Kieron]

21 hours ago, kayc said:

PTSD makes perfect sense when you're grieving, if you ask me!

Ana, I agree with Kay.  Grief couldn't not have an effect on your blood tests. Chronic stress causes hypertension, so why could grief not alter the results of blood tests/labs/readings?

[scba]

1 hour ago, Kieron said:

Ana, I agree with Kay.  Grief couldn't not have an effect on your blood tests. Chronic stress causes hypertension, so why could grief not alter the results of blood tests/labs/readings?

I have no clue about how it happened, however I have no more strength to fight this fight, I am phisically, emotionally and psichologically exausted and drained. I have dealt with that all alone. Feel I can't add nothing more to my backpack at the moment. It feels too heavy. I asked my doctor if I can visit next year and talk about it more in depth. I even lost weight, which is not good considering I am already thin, I can see the changes on my chest. And in the colour of my skin. I havent noticed it before. 

This 2018 has been another horrible year and I sincerely want to sit down and wait until it is gone. I want to take care of myself with primary care, slow down, eat better, make excersice, sleep. My doctor told me that my body would need 3 month to recover from this stressing episode.

Each time, I wonder how I ended up here, why am I talking about PSTD? I should be raising our family. Then, I remember....

[kayc]

19 hours ago, kevin said:

Kay , didn't you just have some roof work done?

I've had them all done.  My house 4 1/2 years ago...the contractor retired, went to prison, got out and disappeared.  So much for the warranty.  Then my 30' patio...that was a nightmare, the roofer was on drugs, threw away all of my wooden wigglemold that was supposed to be kept (this needed replaced not due to rot or leaks but because of a storm blowing it off), then he started cutting up the rafters!  He was nuts!  I tried firing him, he kept coming and doing damage, finally he walked off the job, leaving MY tools, ladders, etc. in the snow out in the yard, and my barbecue filled with nails so it doesn't work now.  Hired 2nd contractor, he had his boys put it up in two hours but failed to use the wigglemold provided and it leaked everywhere!  Wouldn't answer any of my calls or emails, he retired and went dark on me.  Saved up $ and hired third contractor, he did a perfect job, no leaks anywhere, but I'm left with the damage from the leaking to the floorboards and cupboard, it took me two years to save up $ for the third one so meanwhile, wet everywhere!  Then recently I had my double garage, shop, and electrical/storage room re-roofed...hired same good contractor and he did a great job.

The leak I just went through is on my house.  It's coming around the chimney, it first happened right after the last house roof was put on, they didn't do something right so every year when the chimney gets cleaned, it has to be sealed with this black goop...which then cracks over the heat of the summer.  The guy showed up to clean the chimney in June, which concerned me...I've since told him not to clean the chimney until September because of this.  The black goop won't last through the winter if it's put on before summer.

I know, long story.  I hate dealing with contractors.  All this would be a moot point if George was here, he would have taken care of everything himself and done it right.

[widow'15]

5 hours ago, kayc said:

I know, long story.  I hate dealing with contractors.  All this would be a moot point if George was here, he would have taken care of everything himself and done it right.

kayc: Oh my heavens Kay - what a nightmare you had to go through.  Our husbands would have dealt with the contractors or taken care of it themselves. 

My head tells me I need to move from my home; it's too much square footage, too much to maintain, too much yard work, and I have a fear of hiring contractors I know nothing about being here alone.   But......when I try to think about where to move, I think about all the reasons why I can't.  I know the problems this house has, or I think I do at the moment.  I am centrally located to my doctor's offices and easy for shopping for groceries, have great neighbors, etc., etc.  

Am hoping you survive the upcoming winter months and will pray for very little snow or rain in your "neck of the woods".    Dee

[Kieron]

8 hours ago, kayc said:

I hate dealing with contractors. 

I can't "Like" this comment or give it a "Heart" but I sure understand you.  I went through something similar 5 years ago.  Had to take 3 contractors to small claims court because, long story short, I don't know who had the money I paid them, so I went after them.  I won by default since none of them showed for the court date, but man I hate contractors too.  I learned painful lessons and if I have to hire someone nowadays for work on my house, I put them through the works: the BBB, 3 customer references, and also I contact the state DOLI (Dept of Labor and Industry) to see if there have been complaints against them.  I will never go through that again, especially not alone.  😖

[kayc]

I think I was too emotionally drained to sue for recovery of my money, I just wanted to get it done and move one.  Any claims are handled in a town 50 miles from here, we no longer have our local small claims court.

[Kieron]

I can only shake my head at the insensitivity lately among people I know offline.  A friend emailed me to relate how her furnace went kaput and caused all kinds of damage, dealing with repairmen in her home, etc.  I responded with sympathy and mentioned how we had had ours replaced about 4 years ago, thankfully, because I would not want to deal with it alone, and how it's been 2 years this month since Mark collapsed etc., but otherwise I didn't go into detail about him.  She responded with more about the furnace woes and what else has been going on with her, etc.  Not a word in reply about Mark, not even "Wow, must be hard this time of year"  Or, you know, something.  🙄

Then someone else I know made an insensitive comment some time back, bad enough for me to just cut him out of my life and move on.  September was difficult in the extreme this year, being a year and a half since, and his birthday month, and the onset of autumn and shorter days.  We happened to chat on the phone and this so-called friend asked how I was doing.  My response was "Okay."  That's my standard answer.  He spouted off, "Just okay?  Well, that's not very convincing."  And this is from someone who lost his own spouse 5 years ago!  Just reading that in print makes me shake my head in disbelief.  Can people be so dense and thoughtless?  He should be kicking himself for making such a stupid remark.  I know I would if I had blurted out something that idiotic.

Tonight, I caught myself counting all the people who have vanished from my life that I thought were friends or at least good acquaintances.  Except for a few true-blue friends, the rest have moved on.  People!  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯