If You're Going Through Hell

[TomPB]

I have a great contractor who does everything in the best possible way and on time. He's also expensive so I can't get my building-mates to use him but he does all my own stuff. 

Early this year my upstairs neighbor hired the opposite kind of contractor - cheap, nasty and incompetent - to renovate her bathroom. He cut the water to my bathroom and washer/dryer. It cost me a lot to have my guys figure out what had happened and fix it. I planned to sue "Ron" but he was impossible to pin down. It's not like he has a real company with a reputation to defend. He would not answer registered mail, voice or texts. So I gave up. Some suggested I sue my neighbor but she is a good friend and I would never do that. She wants to give me something and maybe I'll let her.

[Gwenivere]

Kieron, What did this guy mean by not very convincing?  That you should be much better?  That you are supposed to put on a better show?  I have people that do not at all understand this devastating loss. But they aren’t in the widow club.  I have run into people in the club who have moved on, so to speak.  But, and this is what I particularly notice, when talking about their marriage it wasn’t as entwined as mine and everyone’s here is.  Some people are just.....married.  They miss them, but it wasn’t the same.  

My counselor told me yesterday that Steve’s and my relationship continues on in my heart.  It will never end.  There are some days I wish I could unlove him.  That sounds awful, but without him, life isn’t life anymore.  I hate just existing.  This year thanksgiving is hitting hard.  I’m really missing buying a turkey and watching Steve cook it.  Yeah, the relationship continues, but I’m so tired of being in it alone.  Seems I keep saying that over and over again.  Still searching for a reason to get up every day.

[Widowedbysuicide]

People, is right !! I can count on one hand the number of people who I can count on, one of them is me. 

@Kieron I so get what you have said. 

Too many people in my old married life only want my attention for what they can gain.  Some crying the blues about ridiculous little spats with their husbands.  Others trying to get money or stuff from me.  I am so desperate for human contact and yet I fear being taken advantage of.

I hear you Gwen.  We have all the hard things in common.

My life really is a drag.  On tv tonight was an episode of Mom.  One of the characters was going to be moving in with a friend.  The friend was recently widowed and is now a cat lady.  The character moving in was truly excited about being able to have a bedroom with a door, do jigsaw puzzles, and have 9 cats.  I am envious as heck.  All I have to look forward to is the same old things day after day.  I sure miss having my husband tell me everything is going to be ok.

Edited November 15, 2018 by Widowedbysuicide
Befuddled brain.

[kayc]

On 11/14/2018 at 7:23 PM, Kieron said:

My response was "Okay."  That's my standard answer.  He spouted off, "Just okay?  Well, that's not very convincing." 

Kieron, when I read that, I thought about my son...he could say that to me and give me a bit of a smile and I'd take that remark as endearing, because I'd know that was how it was intended.  Somehow when your friend made that remark to you it came across quite differently to you.  Like he has forgotten what you're going through, even though he's been there himself, like he has no clue.  Have you tried talking with him about it?  It could be that's not at all how he intended it to come across.  I wouldn't throw the keys away to the friendship just yet.  We are very very sensitive in our early grief, at least I was, and almost anything and everything affected me the wrong way.  Sometimes I just had to give it a bit of space since it was hard to see clearly.

About the friend who was all about her problems and totally glossed over the fact you're missing your spouse...you're right.  She doesn't get it.  She's all wrapped up in her own world.  They ARE clueless and don't get it.  

Do you really think your guy friend was implying you should be better?  I don't get that inference out of that remark but then I wasn't there and I'm missing 3/4 of the conversation...the part that shows facial inflections and tone of voice, etc.

[Gwenivere]

I hadn’t thoughts about it that way, Kay.  I have people tell me I don’t sound 'convincing' when I would say fine. So I switched to hanging in there or 'just peachy'.  

[Kieron]

11 hours ago, kayc said:

It could be that's not at all how he intended it to come across.

It was in the tone of voice.  Maybe he was being flippant, or trying to lighten the mood, but it was right on the heels of my reply "I'm okay."  It came off badly, and maybe he was kicking himself afterward.  I haven't stayed in touch.  I noticed I just feel worse after talking to him so it's better not to try.  And we're both guys, so it might be a guy thing, but I wasn't having any of it.  Which is unfortunate as it is difficult for me to make friends, as it is.

Gwen's "just peachy" comment is one I'll probably adopt for myself.  😊  I have sometimes used "it's complicated" when people ask how I am doing.  That usually gets an "oh..." and then they change the subject.

[MartyT]

Here are some more alternatives our members have shared over the years: In Grief: Responding to "How Are You?"  ♥

[Gwenivere]

Kieron, you have to add a touch of sarcasm in your tone too.  Then people get it.  🦋

[kayc]

If someone isn't coming across supportive, I'd take a space from them, for sure.  Right now you need SUPPORT.  And I hear you about the friends not coming easy part, mine all disappeared when George died, seriously.  Just when I needed them the most.

We have to get through this the best way we can, so listen to your heart, it'll tell you what's right to do.

[scba]

On 11/15/2018 at 12:23 AM, Kieron said:

Can people be so dense and thoughtless? 

Dear Kieron,

Unfortunately the answer to that is YES. Yes they are. Not everybody. This site is an example of all the contrary.

I will never forget that, 6 months after my beloved passed (which also ment to move back to my parent`s and leave the city where I`ve lived for 4 years), I`ve been texted: "Are you ENJOYING your time with your parents?" 

Two month after his passing, a best friend from college told me that it was time to close my previous life and move on. Before his passing, she implied that my bf sickness was related to some theory that is going around about "you`re the result of your thoughts". My BF was dying because he didn had the RIGHT thoughts?????

 

 

Peace.

Ana

 

[Widowedbysuicide]

Ana I am truly sorry that people said such hurtful and ridiculous things to you, especially in the early days.  Our hearts are so vulnerable and we need support from people.  I think Kayc was right saying a little space or time from those kinds of people is probably a good idea.  Hurtful things are too hard to deal with when our hearts are aching so badly. ❤️

[CairnLady]

I too was totally abandoned by family and friends after my beloved Michael was ripped away from me, and I too had a long list of some of the nastiest things said to me. To these people it was like I had lost my keys. Here’s a small sample of unsolicited “expert opinions”   (The “experts” of course are people who have never suffered a major loss in their self absorbed lives) that I’ve been subjected to:

I need to fix myself.

Did I expect people to drop everything just because Michael died?

I’m too emotional.

I need to get a boyfriend 

I need to “pull myself out of it”

They (the “experts”) don’t know who I am anymore.

I have removed these idiots from my life forever and will never have anything to do with them again. It wasn’t hard since they weren’t there for me anyway, and never would be.

[Margm]

I realize the majority of you are so much younger than I am.  I joined a society of women and men from friends, neighbors and old classmates.  The majority of these people had lost their mate and some had remarried.  I know I have had things said to me, probably the cruelest was "you are still young in your grief."  That was the only thing I was young in though.  We have two women that keep in touch with all the classmates they can find that are still alive.  We have lost so many.  As Hettie, my neighbor widow, in Arkansas told me "We are both at the age we will lose our classmates."  I was crying for the little boy I remembered at age 17-18, and who passed away probably in his early 70's, all those  years later.  Strange, I remembered the boy.  I went to the grave of an old boyfriend who was killed in an accident 57 years ago.  Most of you are not even 57 years old now, and if he had lived, he would be 75 now.  But in my  mind I still see him catching passes on the football field and being named all state in three sports.  We were told of one of our classmates with his cancer returned and for us to write him.  I told him who I was, in case he forgot not having seen each other in 58 years.  I wanted to tell him of the battle I had fought with my cancer, the many years, the many fights and how the treatment I had received  gave me many years of life but nearly killed me four years  ago, and another battle fought and won.  He wrote back that of course he remembered me and my freckles.  He told me of  his battle with his cancer.  His name is Billy.  He signed it "I love you, Billy" and just those words.  I did not think I would quit crying.  

If someone stops you and insists on talking, on asking you  questions, smile and lie like hell to them and say  "I'm just fine."  Of  course you will never be that kind of "just fine" again, but it certainly stops questions.  If they keep asking questions, unless they are magicians, and even if they are magicians, they have nothing to offer you.  A shoulder to cry on???  That is why we come to this forum.  

Maybe being old has its imperfections, but somehow other people's responses are not one of them.  We simply do not care.  Walk away or do like I do and say "I'm fine" while passing by.   

[Kieron]

4 hours ago, scba said:

My BF was dying because he didn had the RIGHT thoughts????? 

Ouch.  Ana, that's horrifying that someone would imply that he was at fault for his illness, and expect you to move on after 2 months.  Unbelievably rude.  Sorry you had to experience that.  😕

[Margm]

Y'all all, the temperatures are variable down south, we actually had snow flakes the other day. (Don't even need a jacket today).  Our education systems sometimes are at the bottom of the 50 states but I actually think we have a good group of people, some are locked into old fashioned ways (me included.)  One friend/cousin (yeah, like my granddaughter said, "she's probably your cousin") went to see "A Star is Born."  Folks, even some of us slower humans knows this is the 4th remake of this movie.  Well, she criticized some of the words/speech and love scenes.  I am so jaded I did not hear anything bad, or see anything  bad.  I knew the ending.  I went for the music.  And, yes, I did have to get bitchy and say "you realize it was R rated."  From the way the news is going, I don't think your in danger of having a scene from "Deliverance" happen.  I think that is happening everywhere but here (and please God, don't make me eat those words.)  

I actually think you have to be born here though.  It might be like traveling to a foreign country.  Somehow it is gentle, although some people still do not accept the Confederacy lost the war..  We are (some of us) really kinda backward, but traveling from North Louisiana to South Louisiana is like going to another state, and I get kinda scared around alligator hunters and if I eat Gumbo and Jambalaya, I would prefer to make it so I know what animal I am eating. 

On second thought, maybe y'all better stay where you are.  But, I love you all anyhow.   Bless your hearts.

[Gwenivere]

On 11/16/2018 at 8:19 AM, scba said:

My BF was dying because he didn had the RIGHT thoughts?????

Oh my gawd!  I can’t believe, but I have to, someone would say such a cruel thing!  So by this persons logic, my husband who loved life, music and made so many people happy had some dark thoughts that his death wouldn’t be a big deal for the pain it would cause everyone he cared about?   What bull.  

And enjoying time with your parents?  I’m guessing you love your parents, but that really isn’t the issue.  

It’s  so hard dealing with people who are so naive and compassionately challenged.  My mother taught me to give a griever a hug and say I was sorry from a young age.  To not say anything else about something I couldn’t understand and could easily make worse.  She was a widow and remarried, but my father was a topic not discussed outside our walls and only with the closest of family.

[scba]

Thank you all. I was 35 y/o then, the benefit of being a young widow was that.

I have forgiven these people, cause they don´t know what they were talking about. I can acknowledge now that they didn´t want to hurt me. I wish they will never know about profound loss, and I have took distance from them. Some have had babies and I haven´t visited them. I moved on, but from them. I have followed their advice. 

I think it was you Marg who once said: do not talk to those whose feet haven´t touched the flames. It was an invaluable lesson, you were right. I have followed that advise since then. 

I guess people don´t get they are dealing with someone who has changed and probably not for the very best, they still think we are still who we were and if we are not, well it is us who are "responsible" for our attitudes. After some time, it´s our "choice" to grieve or not.

But we have this place. We shouldn´t be here no have had these experiences and feeling we are sharing. But at least we have MArty´s place to sit down all together.

 

 

 

[scba]

3 hours ago, CairnLady said:

I too was totally abandoned by family and friends after my beloved Michael was ripped away from me, and I too had a long list of some of the nastiest things said to me. To these people it was like I had lost my keys. Here’s a small sample of unsolicited “expert opinions”   (The “experts” of course are people who have never suffered a major loss in their self absorbed lives) that I’ve been subjected to:

I need to fix myself.

Did I expect people to drop everything just because Michael died?

I’m too emotional.

I need to get a boyfriend 

I need to “pull myself out of it”

They (the “experts”) don’t know who I am anymore.

I have removed these idiots from my life forever and will never have anything to do with them again. It wasn’t hard since they weren’t there for me anyway, and never would be.

I´m so sorry you have had to suffer such rude comments.

[TomPB]

Well Marg maybe you have to be born in NE to understand us, too. I've been in the south some but not in the rural deep south. LOTS of time in Richmond with Susan's family and some in NOLA with my uncle Bob. Bob was the extreme far right member of our family and the extreme liberal among his NOLA cronies, LOL. I learned in school that "we" won te Civil War but now I know it's still going on.

I really dislike being asked "how are you". I usually answer "day at a time" or just grunt. Then there's "Doing well?" That's easy - I say No which gets some surprised reactions. My relationship with a BIL ended over the summer at a reunion for Susan's family. I was not going to attend because I thought the memories would be too painful but joined the group, apprehensively, for a whale watch out of Ptown. He said "How are you" and I said "Don't ask" which annoyed him. A little later he asked if I'd sailed over. Susan was my sailing partner, it was our favorite activity, I can't go cruising without her, and it's a very painful loss. He can't even recognize this. All I said was "How would I do that?" and he said "I don't know why I even bother to talk to you". This is  guy who we had socialized with for many years with his wife Susan's sister. Bye bye.  

Another person claims she doesn't have a timetable for grief but that is a lie. She compared me to Queen Victoria who never got over the loss of Albert. We were talking over the summer and out of nowhere she said "Do you like being unhappy?". Bye bye.

Answering these formula questions is something we all have to deal with. Best wishes to all in finding a path.

[Gin]

I had lunch with a professional counselor (not grief) dthat I know.  Her first question was, "Well, how do you like the single life?"     I said,  "What do you think?"   She replied, " I guess you do not".   Understatement!  Even she had no clue.

[Margm]

I am repeating, I am old, I am ancient, but this old heart still beats.  I see older folks holding hands and where I used to think "that is so sweet" now I think "oh no, they are gonna hurt so bad" and I want to cry.  The other day (and please, I hope I am not repeating this, I do this sometimes, often), I kept seeing this man in his lawn chair sitting in front of a grave.  (A graveyard up the road from where I live) I stopped.  It turns out she had been gone three years, like Billy, and he still comes and talks to her.  He was not ashamed.  They had been married 61 years.  I hugged him and told him "thank you, I still talk to my Billy" and then I left.  

[scba]

23 minutes ago, Gin said:

 "Well, how do you like the single life?"     

OMG How rude and cruel!

The same as with Tom. Do you like to be unhappy, eeehhhh???

But then, there are those who, like Marg´s neighbour, honor life and loss.

There is still hope.

[Kieron]

14 hours ago, scba said:

There is still hope.

There is indeed.  I had dinner with 2 friends who saw me through the last intensive care before I had to let him go.  We talked about how much has changed for us all since then, and reminisced... "Remember the time we went to this one restaurant with you and Mark, well that place went out of business, can you believe it?"  Things like that.  Not avoiding his name or his memory at all.  So there are some decent folks to counteract the insensitive blockheads.

[Kieron]

15 hours ago, TomPB said:

Bye bye.

LOL Tom, that's right to the point for sure!  Sometimes that's what you gotta do.

[kayc]

18 hours ago, scba said:

I have forgiven these people, cause they don´t know what they were talking about.

You're a bigger person than I am.  That's an outrageous thing to say to someone grieving!

I remember two weeks after George died, I was at church and someone had asked how I was and I started crying...a lady said, "You CAN'T love George more than Jesus!"  I looked at her like she was from Mars!  I wondered what the hell one had to do with the other!  How inappropriate her words!  I replied that Jesus was still here and George wasn't.  The pastor agreed with me.

People say the most ridiculous things from their pea-sized brains!  They haven't been through it.  She's with a husband who doesn't treat her right and she would be unlikely to grieve if he died.  I can't expect her to know what it's like to have the most wonderful husband in the world and lose him in his prime, getting but a few years together and shock you with his sudden death.

Ana, here is an article of dumb things people say and what we're thinking when they say them.  I think all of us here could write our own list!
http://www.griefspeaks.com/id9.html

And our own Marty's list:
http://www.griefhealing.com/column-what-is-not-helpful.htm