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Two years ago I left my tree up till at least Easter.......I'm racing to finish a large shed before the cold hits, then I''ll have somewhere to store the decorations after Christmas...Was at Church function last Sunday and off to family get together today.......Haven't heard too much from Angela's family(didn't expect to)......Gwen hope your feeling better next few days.....

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14 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

This is a good catch all topic.  I spent my 4th ER trip yesterday for lack of breath, headaches and just worn out.  They were dry busy so I was there 6 hours.  Threw off my whole night and I was more stressed out than I realized.  There was a very hostile patient yelling profanities at the staff.  I’m so tired of all these expeiences and being alone.  Talk about repetitive.  I tried draping some lights on the mantle but didn’t like it.  Moved them to around the TV area and can tolerate them.  I can’t wait til Christmas is over and I never thought I could feel that way.  The last thing I needed was more to make this intolerable.  This is physical, but I know a lot is also being solo in a holiday meant to celebrate togetherness and family.  Both things I lost.

Gwen:  So sorry you went through another ER visit.  You must be so exhausted.  I am assuming you have to drive yourself to ER which can't be good in this awful gloomy, wet weather we are having.  Seattle traffic would make me more than stressed or anxious.  Being alone and unwell is not easy and especially this time of year. 

I know how you feel about decorating for Christmas.  I did find the will to put up my silly driftwood tree and had my granddaughter decorate it a couple of weeks ago.  But, hardly find the desire to plug the lights in.  Daily, I turn on Christmas music hoping for more motivation.  Kinda helps a little. 

Please know, you are in my thoughts and am wishing you warm wishes to stay well and find a little joy. Dee

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Thank you, Dee.  I’m glad you have your granddaughter for a little innocent joy.  The weather does make it more bleak.  As does the darkness.  A few more days of this craziness and back to regular insanity.  I have my one string of lights around the bookcases and the light is nice.  First year ever I didn’t put up anything we used.  Bought sandwiches for 2 nights and may thaw some leftover pizza for Xmas.  Sounds pathetic, but I can’t force something I don’t feel, as you pointed out.  Santa doesn’t have the powers to bring me what I really want.  😓

thinking of all of you too.  I was talking to my counselor about all the 'have a great day/nights' we here from cashiers or people on the phone.   We modified it it to have a day/night.  Works better for me.  

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@kevin  Hope you get your shed finished, but I guess if not, you can leave everything up until Easter again! LOL  Have a hard time understanding how the inlaws cut us off when we were the most important thing in Angela/George's world.  But it happens.  Maybe we're a painful reminder, who knows.

I will be thinking of all of you tonight...not much going on here, that's okay.  We had our Christmas Program yesterday, it brought tears to my eyes...the last couple of years we didn't have one, we had no children, now we had a great program all done by the kids!  40 kids coming and 70 teens, amazing.  The teens still don't come to church, just youth group, but that's something.  This is in a little town where my son's graduating class was 50!

Gwen, how is your dog doing?  

Dee, glad you got to see your granddaughter!

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Had our Christmas party cut short because of  a sick Grandkid and  Mother....Took grand kid to my place and partied with a two and half year old...Got to get her home next two three hours because Santa is coming.....To nite will Cruise around and look at lights.......then drink Eggnog...Merry Christmas......KayC....will forward Shack(Barn) pics next few days......need warmer days for Shingles and Paint....

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My dog is doing well, Kay, thanks for asking.  Aging of course, but a squirrel arrives and age disappears for a bit.   How’s Arlen (and I hope I spelled that right)?

Busy times for you, Kevin.  Warmth first!  🙂

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On 12/23/2018 at 5:45 AM, kayc said:

 At least I'll have a brief time w/family, although it'll mean at least 5 1/2 hours of driving for 3 1/2 - 4 hours time together, and they're predicting snow which makes me nervous, I hate driving in it.  All the more so since I'm driving my son's vehicle and I don't think it has full coverage.

kayc: Keeping you in my thoughts as you hit the road, driving in snow possibly - I totally don't like driving in the snow and ice at my age.  I usually stay put at home.  There used to be a time I would drive in ice and snow heading up to the ski area with three other ladies aboard.  Oh my, how times have changed as the years have passed so quickly.  Be safe and enjoy your family and have a Blessed Christmas.  Dee 

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Thank you...I used to be so brave, chaining up and going to work.  In latter work years I commuted so I left my car w/the good gas mileage down the mountain and I'd drive my 4WD truck down to it, past the snow, then the car the rest of the 50 miles to work.  Then the cops got funny about me leaving my vehicle overnight in town, odd because it wasn't in anyone's way and you have 3 days to move it, but they hassled me so I quit doing that.  My truck gets horrid mileage, I can't afford to drive it far, it's for emergencies.

They pushed the snow predictions back to tonight, I'll be home beforehand hopefully as I don't drive in the dark anyway...it will snow the rest of the week.  I went to town yesterday and got my wedding band out of repair, picked up some groceries and a new raincoat...all the traffic and crowds reminded me why I never shop!

My thoughts are with all of you today, missing your other half as I am, thinking of them and better days...hopes towards the future when we'll be reunited.  But for today I hope each of us has peace and if it's not too much to ask, a few hours respite from this grief that consumes us?  Not sure that's possible...  Merry Christmas too all.

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 Hasn’t happened  here yet.  Having a terrible time today missing Steve and dealing with health problems.   Nowhere to go, nothing to do, neighborhood emptier than usual.  What little contact Ive had with people on the outside are their plans and family time.  If I could get rid of the physical maladies I’d feel stronger about handling the grief.  Right now it is consuming me.  I got a package from my dear cousin, but it was pretty much all medical stuff to help.  Her intentions are good, but I would have preferred something fun or silly.  My only other package was from my oxygen company with supplies.  A long way from days of yore when we had actual gifts.  Even those got put aside for me in the glow of togetherness.   Steve was playing with his techie stuff as boys do.  Fun watching him and see his excitement.  I think of all the things I saw I would have bought him.  Such emptiness here now.  My biggie call today will be the on call doc because of labored breathing when I do anything but sit.  I keep getting outsiders advice to go out and be around people.  Where, I think?  I can be among strangers anytime.  These are those times you long for someone that knows you, a really close friend.  And you can’t just go out and make one.  A woman may invite me over for a bit, but it’s always a schedule, just for an hour and she really doesn’t get where I am and asks me why I don’t do this or that.  The kicker is I’m so frigging desperate I put up with it.  What does that say about self esteem?  

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We were w/o electricity again today so I was glad I went to my son's.  It went very fast, a long drive for such a short visit.  The grandkids were fun to watch, and it was good to see my kids, if only I could have doubled the time!

Gwen, I hope you got out and had dinner with someone at least.  Called my friend Rainer and he was alone, ate bread and butter for dinner, on Thanksgiving he fixed a big meal for himself but that seemed even more depressing to him so he decided not to do that.  I'd think there'd be some middle ground between fixing a feast or having bread and butter.  I guess people get through their depression their own way and that may vary from one year to the next.

Growing old alone is not easy no matter how you do it.

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Glad you got out to see your family, Kay.  

Had dinner with my dogs.  I don’t do big cooking with just me and the dogs, but it was better than bread and butter.  Premade turkey and cranberry sandwich.

They say growing old isn’t for sissies.  Maybe I’m just a sissie and didn’t know it?  

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Glad you got through it and I'm glad I left town as the electricity was out for four hours during afternoon when everyone was trying to fix Christmas Dinner.  Second time this week!  My daughter lost her stereo & speakers, subwoofer due to power flickering off/on this week even though she had it plugged into the surge protector, it actually fried the outlet!

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I went to the health club today and overheard a conversation that really upset me.  A woman was relating to another woman how hard it was dealing with her husband, who had an eye problem.  She had to drive him everywhere, do a lot for him, etc.. All I could think was how much I would give to be able to do all those things for Al again.  He was not a complainer and tried to do as much as possible right to the end.  I never felt it was a burden helping him.  Sure wish I could be with him again.

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This morning at 3:00 am I got a message from my dear lifelong friend.  Her 2nd husband, of 15-16 years had just passed.  She told me that he was fishing in Heaven with my Billy the Kid.  I knew he had quit eating and it was only a matter of time.  My heart is bleeding for her second loss.  That is all I can say.  Lots of family involved, both sides, all got along wonderfully. Sure she has family, and we don't want to lose our family, but she has lost another part of herself.

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Gin, I think I would have spoke up and said, "I WISH I could be doing things for my husband, he's been gone way too long now."  And then just walked away.  People need to be jolted back to the realization that they can and will not have them forever, to appreciate them while they can.  Selfish!  Can't abide people like that.  What I wouldn't give to have George with me, I'd GLADLY do for him!

Marg, I'm sorry for your friend and for what is ahead for her, it;s hard.  I'm glad she has someone to turn to that understands.

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Gin, Guess we never know about other marriages.  Could be they aren’t that bound and it does annoy her or he might be too demanding.   We’ll never know.  What we DO know is what we had and lost which crippled our worlds.  There are a few things Steve did that truly annoying, but I signed on for the whole package like he with me.  It wasn’t perfection, but is was/is true love.  💕

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You are so right, Gwen!  I guess we can only speak for ourselves.

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On 12/31/2018 at 5:02 PM, Gin said:

I went to the health club today and overheard a conversation that really upset me.  A woman was relating to another woman how hard it was dealing with her husband, who had an eye problem.  She had to drive him everywhere, do a lot for him, etc.. All I could think was how much I would give to be able to do all those things for Al again.  He was not a complainer and tried to do as much as possible right to the end.  I never felt it was a burden helping him.  Sure wish I could be with him again.

Part of the meditation I do every night is to think of some happy times. Some of the happiest times for me were not vacations or celebrations but when I was taking care of Susan, when she was sick or recovering from a medical procedure. Gave me a great feeling, and of course I knew she'd do the same for me.

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That’s where we differ, Tom. Yes, I was very glad I could help Steve thru 4 tough years.  But my mind does go to the pre 2009 diagnosis days when life was more laughter and togetherness we never thought would end.  I’m glad I took care of him but wish now I could erase those memories for good.  

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7 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

That’s where we differ, Tom. Yes, I was very glad I could help Steve thru 4 tough years.  But my mind does go to the pre 2009 diagnosis days when life was more laughter and togetherness we never thought would end.  I’m glad I took care of him but wish now I could dress those memories for good.  

I doubt that we differ, Gwen. I said SOME, not all. 

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