If You're Going Through Hell

[KarenK]

Marg,

It's funny how those little, inexpensive things really get to us. After Ron died, my son opened the big 50 gun safe where he kept all his prized possessions, those very expensive guns that would find other homes. I was sad to see them go as they were like his babies, but grateful that their sale kept us going for a few months. Along with those were other prized possessions, long forgotten by me. A tiny wooden plaque with a tearful puppy saying "I Mith You"(from many, many years ago) and a small plastic card from the hospital gift shop. He had been hospitalized for the umpteenth time on Christmas Day in 2012. His heart and diabetes had gotten him once again along with his new friend, the cancer. I had no time for Christmas shopping and picked up this card for him( such a lousy gift for his very last Christmas). It reads:

I love you as you are.

I love you as you will be.

I love you because there's this little part of me(my heart)....

That tells me that you and I were simply and always meant to be.

 

Those things and one other mean the world to me. The other being a notebook page on which he had scribbled "W I F E". He did this during his last few days in the hospital as he lay dying. He couldn't talk with the vent and his mind was mostly gone, but I had given him the notebook and pencil for some type of communication. Most things he scribbled were unintelligible, but this time he was trying to ask the nurse where I was.

With my daughter, I think maybe it's the t-shirt with the replica of her baby(her horse, Shania) which I gave her shortly before she died. She never got a chance to wear it, but reached for it the day before she left.

Things like that can never be replaced.

Have to stop this remembering now. Am making myself way too sad.

[kayc]

My daughter and my DIL do not want my china.  I waited years to get it and loved the pattern and color and now no one eats here but me, ha!   I don't care what they do with it when I die.  It's expensive and they'll probably give it to St. Vinnie's and hopefully someone who likes it will get a good deal someday.

[Margm]

Well, mine just became more valuable.  I called my granddaughter and she said right away "I want it."  I am so happy.  Karen, I am sorry, I understand how these things tear at our heart.  Going though insurance stuff I found a note Billy had written on a pillow corsage when our son was born June 25, 1962.  It said "Marg, I could not be happier."  Some things just hurt.  I think we are just gonna hurt for a long, long time, forever.  Again, right now my heart is with you Karen and you have a virtual ((((HUG)))).  

[kayc]

Karen,

You must have posted the same time as me, I hadn't seen it.  

It's hard when we run across these things.  I think I've seen pretty much everything there is by now, no more surprises.  I felt bad that George's Father's Day Gift didn't get to him before he died, his birthday present and FD gift both got held up on back order, what good was it after he died?  I hope he knows he meant the world to me, and I'd have done anything for him...how could he not know?

It's hard running across stuff afterwards...

[Gin]

I had dinner with a friend last night.  She said how well I was doing!  What a laugh!    She does not see all the tears.  I try to keep busy, but most of the time I am home by myself.  Everyone tells me all the fun things they are doing.  I do not begrudge them that, but they do not realize that I am not.

[Gwenivere]

Gin, as we have all come to know, this is the way it goes.  If things were reversed we probably would be talking about our life too. It's hard to remember daily that we are so changed while others live on as they always have.  I have a hard time listening to it also, but it's our world that is stalled, not theirs.  This is why I don't socialize much.  

[Margm]

Gin and Gwen, you can both come with me to my week-end trip back "home" (moving some stuff in the apartment) and already I am scheduled to sit with my mom.  And, how in the world can I begrudge that when that is the only time my sister can get out of the house?  Life gets complicated when you reach the "hamburger stage" of life.  Parents are the buns on one side, grown kids and grandkids are the buns on the other side and we are the meat in the middle.  I have repeated over and over that I am selfish.  Still, I do have to make the trip.  I feel sorry for my sister, but it won't be long before I will be feeling sorry for me too.  Hey, I already do.  

[Gwenivere]

Marg.....I do not do the M word anymore.  The only moving I do is getting me from here to there and that is more than enough.  

[Margm]

Gwen, I can understand that.  We were RVers for awhile and gypsies at heart.  We had just bought a new RV and was getting ready to leave this house when we found out he was sick.  I know a lot of the stuff around here he did to get us ready, I know he could not have felt well.  He never complained, except about his back and that had been going on for 30 years.  Unfortunately, this time it was not just his back.  I guess he never got time to complain, I was always the sick one.  Anyhow, the RV is not a possibility anymore and he would never have moved into an apartment.  But, he isn't here.  

And, if you are in a place you want to be in, the last thing I would advise is to move.  This is heart rendering work.  I hate the W word also.

[kayc]

W?

[Margm]

W=work

[kayc]

Oh!

[Margm]

'Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.' — Mark Twain

If you have read any of my posts, you know I am a hypochondriac.  Maybe not a card carrying certified one.  They won't let me have anything but Tylenol.for pain.  Lately, two things have come out about Tylenol.  One must have been memory, because I sure forgot what it was.  The second thing is that Tylenol can cause people to lack empathy.

So girls/guys, when you get someone that says something in the wrong way to you, look them straight in the eyes and say "You take a lot of Tylenol, don't you?"  

[KarenK]

Marg,

You are too funny!  I have taken so much Tylenol in my life that my liver should be disintegrated by now. Have graduated to Tramadol. And last time I checked, I still have empathy.

[MartyT]

Marg, that has to be one of the funniest (and best) responses to another's insensitivity that I've ever heard! And the best part? It's TRUE! When you take acetamenophen, you don't feel others' pain as much 

[Margm]

Because of the other recent thing about it (and honestly I cannot remember), but it definitely has made me rethink Tylenol.  Scared to look it up but it came out recently some other serious thing.  I do know I quit the Prilosec because it might cause damage to your kidneys and my "innards" need all the help they can get.  Now if they leave Zantac alone I might make it a few more days.

[Margm]

In the top of the closet in the middle bedroom was a box I had not examined.  It contained pictures that were probably 30 years old, or more, and Billy was in so many of them.  I did not cry.  I actually held them and examined them.  He had such high prominent cheekbones and such pretty hands (that always made him uncomfortable for me to talk about his hands being pretty), but I touched his high cheekbones.  I always wanted cheekbones you could put blush on.  In reality I have a round face, no cheekbones.  I have not cried yet.  Must have taken too much Tylenol or maybe I am numbed-down.  Gotta go to Louisiana in the morning; come back Sunday.  A 350 mile round trip.  Mechanic said the truck would be okay as long as I didn't travel these dirt roads up here.  Will get it fixed Monday and Tuesday.  

[KATPILOT]

I was taking Tylenol PM until I was warned about kidney damage so I quit. It sure did put me down for the whole night like magic. The less I take of stuff the better it is I suppose. Now days I have grown so accustom to waking in the middle of the night for an hour or so then going back to sleep. One of the nice things about living alone is never bothering someone by my pattern and I guess I get enough sleep since I never use an alarm. It could be that I just can't turn off my brain. The screws keep turning with very little to say.

1 hour ago, MartyT said:

When you take acetamenophen, you don't feel others' pain as much 

I really like that one Marty. I am also reminded of that Saturday Night Live ad for Tryopenin. Eventually you have to just use a hammer to defeat the child proof bottle.  I still have a little empathy too Karen but when I discovered it was all in my head, I began taking sugar pills trying to convince myself that they would do the trick.

Numbs not so bad Marge.  Have a safe trip.  Me, I'm going crazy if anyone wants to come.

[Polly]

Marg,

Thanks so much for the laugh!!!! Now my cats are staring at me like I'm crazy! ok, well maybe I am a bit crazy. Hope you have a safe trip.

[iPraiseHim]

For help sleeping, I use lavender (EO) essential oil.  You can diffuse in the room or just apply one drop at the base of your nose and inhale.  I also use Rose (EO) to uplift mood and Peppermint (EO) for alertness, appetite suppressant and it clears up a stuffy nose.  For a germ killer and cold prevention use Thieves (EO).  Make sure they are all therapeutic grade and naturally distilled (not  chemically).  These (EO) have helped me to function and survive.  Shalom - George

[Margm]

28 minutes ago, KATPILOT said:

 Me, I'm going crazy if anyone wants to come.

Sorry Steve, I have already beat you there.  Sometimes crazy is not too bad a place to visit.  If I could smoke I would probably try weed, they won't let me have anything though, so in that case I travel to crazy often.  

If I have not mentioned it, I like all the new pictures.  I think my daughter put mine up, or my granddaughter.  Lots of memories.

[Gwenivere]

1 hour ago, KATPILOT said:

Me, I'm going crazy if anyone wants to come.

Kat, I think you're going to have quite a crowd with that invitation!

[Margm]

I will go sit with my mom tomorrow.  Now when I leave, I always kiss her on the forehead and she grabs my hand and kisses it.  She was never affectionate. This is a little story about my mom.  My aunt, the oldest girl and my namesake, told me my grandma was very worried about Mama leaving home.  Mama only knew Daddy two weeks before she married him.  There should be a book written about that family.  Well, in fact, my grandma did write a book for all the grandkids.  I did not think our life was any different than most of my friends, all small town people.  Over the years we knew Mama was different.  She could be very mean.  My mom said my dad had a smile on his face when he died.  My son said it was because he was so glad to go.  This Alzheimer's snuck up on us.  This falling all the time has injured her so many times, I was not thinking she would make it to 95.  Afterall, why at this age can't we just call it senile dementia.

Today I walked in and she is in this wonderful lounge chair, perfectly placed table that slides (but she cannot slide it).  It is on wheels.  She hates it.  She cannot get up.  She is really not hemmed in, but it is perfect.  Hospice brought it today.  Mama is livid.  She hates her "new car."  Okay, she might make it to 95.  She had fallen so much she has skin tears everywhere.  I am not liking old age, sometimes life does not make sense at all.

[KATPILOT]

You've got that right Marge, it doesn't. My step mom died at 95 and I visited her every day in the assisted care home where she lived.  It's hard to watch the end come. So many thoughts went through my mind during those last few weeks. I remembered looking at her sleeping wondering what she thought of her life. I could hardly get a grip on the year 1919 when she was born and all she must have seen. I can almost imagine with your description what it's like for you. Be easy on yourself for the road ahead may not be smooth but we do have to travel it don't we?

[kayc]

I know, Marg, your story has similarities to mine.  Getting old scares me too.