If You're Going Through Hell

[TerriL]

I was surprised when Kathie Lee Gifford returned to the Today Show only one week after her husband's passing. Frank Gifford, although 84, passed suddenly and unexpectedly, too. My heart went out to her and I admired her strength and faith so much, completely unaware that just a month later, I would find myself in exactly the same situation. Although it doesn't lessen the grief of losing someone you love, I did have to say that after I lost Paul, I looked back on Kathie Lee's return and became a bit angry. She has a gazillion friends around the world and people to help her----cook for her, clean for her, run errands for her...plus, she and Frank had a whole lot of money. I've had very little help at all, I'm constantly worried about having enough money, about repairing or replacing stuff that breaks around the home (and now, it appears I may have a termite issue---well the HOUSE does---it just never ends), I'm lonely and trying to keep my own health in good condition----so, as much as I truly do feel for people like Celine and Kathie Lee (it doesn't matter whether or not you're famous, it still hurts when you lose your lifetime love), they have people around them taking care of the mundane stuff so they can grieve or pamper themselves. My neighbors came over this morning, telling me that they noticed I still haven't sold my husband's truck. I told them that I had been cautioned about making major decisions in the first year of Paul's death and that I needed to make sure I was ready. What I didn't tell them is that having Paul's truck in the driveway makes me feel safer. Once I sell it, it will be just my little car sitting alone in the carport and if I do need to make a short trip somewhere, there will be NO cars there. As long as that huge Silverado sits in front of my home, people think there is more than one person living there and they also would not know whether someone is at home if i was out. Does that make sense or am I losing it? 

Marg, I laughed at your Southern pronunciations! They're great! I've been a huge Stevie Ray Vaughan fan (may he R.I.P. also) since the '80s and I always loved hearing him speak in interviews. The way he said "thang" instead of "thing". Love that Texas drawl! I was born in Florida from New England born and bred parents and yet, when I'm talking to someone, a lot of the time they'll ask me if I'm from Tennessee or Georgia! Go figure! "No, but I was raised eating grits with my scrambled eggs!" Haha! That's true! I still love grits!   

[Margm]

One time I had to tell AT&T they had to  get me someone from the USA, preferably the south.   I explained to them I was an old southern lady and my version of the English language did not even go along with some from up north.  (Sorry Yankee's, I do not mean to offend, I am afraid I am the lesser one here).  I made such an issue of it that they never provided me with anyone above the Mason-Dixon line (whatever the hell that means), and no I do not wave the Confederate flag anywhere around me (but I did have a lot of  southern relatives that died for that flag.  My little 5'4" redheaded great-great grandpa is buried in a Confederate grave.  

Billy broke me from saying I was thursday when I wanted a drink.  He kept emphasizing thirsty.  He said Thursday was a day of the week.  I knew that.  But, I never broke him from saying shevel for shovel.  I lived at the north end of Webster Parish against the Arkansas line.  He lived in the very south end of Webster Parish and was born in a corn field.  What can I say?

[kayc]

I didn't even know about Parishes until the last place I worked (we had a branch office in Louisiana).  My best friend is Texan and sometimes I have to inquire as to what she's talking about because she says her words so different (warsh for wash).

[Froggie4635]

Dear Terri...

Even though I am a bit younger than so many of my friends here, I can relate everything you wrote.  I am coming up on 18 months since Mark has gone.  I am not sure why it feels more significant than every other month before, but it does.  Mark died suddenly of a heart attack and sent my world spinning.  Before we had met, I was a totally independent person. That changed when I got married.  Oh, sure, there were still parts of me there, but as husband and wife, decisions were mutually made.  Now, how do I go back to being the only one to make decisions again?  I am fortunate that I had great support (emotionally) after Mark died.  But as is typical, after a year has gone by, things don't get talked about as much.  I am not having outbursts at work like before.  The last one was in February.  We really have no idea how things out of the cameras go for Kathie Lee and Celine.  And it is fine if they prefer for their grief to be private.  But you are right that they have the benefit of having people to take care of the tasks that sometimes make our grief more intense.  It just goes to show that grieving IS unique and individual.  There is a family that lives in our neighborhood that has the same car as we do.  There were times when I would go past their house (riding with my MIL) and think "why would Mark be there?"  Early on, when we would approach the house, and I would see the car sitting there, my heart would leap for a second, like it always did when I knew he was waiting inside for my arrival home...then reality came around and I knew there was no one (except the dogs) waiting inside for me.  I don't feel that same feeling anymore...and it makes me sad.  

[TerriL]

Hi Maryann,

I've thought the same thing---what happened to that independent young woman I used to be? I'm 57, but I lost both my parents back in my early 40s and now I've lost my team mate, my partner, my love. It's been seven months for me now, but I'm feeling beaten down and exhausted. At the same time I'm dealing with the loss of my husband, things keep going wrong here at home and the city my husband worked for (under contract, no less) as a firefighter for 26 years is trying to take benefits away from the retirees and their surviving spouses. I'm worried about my financial future, as I have health conditions and don't work. Because I'm not old enough yet---60---to receive my husband's Social Security benefits, those have been taken away, as well. If anyone happens to know of any customer service type jobs you can do from home that are legitimate, by all means, please share! 

It is a weird feeling when you see something familiar and it gives you that "startle" effect. I was in the kitchen one night a few weeks ago, the phone rang and I looked at the ID. My husband's name came up with the number of our land line. When I saw Paul's name on the ID, I felt an automatic adrenaline rush, just as I would when he'd visit relatives up North and call me from the road to check in and let me know he had stopped for the night. This time, however, I didn't pick up the phone. I'm sure it was probably a scam, but instead, I chose to see it as him sending me a sign. Just a few minutes before that phone rang, I had been looking at his picture and asking if he even realized how much I loved him and missed him. It wasn't the first time I'd had this type of experience since Paul's passing.

I know that we have no idea how people---famous or otherwise---are grieving in their private time and I would not want to tell anyone else how they should grieve, simply because I don't like it being done to me. I was only saying that, as with anything else in life, it's a bit easier when you have the financial resources at your disposal to take care of things without worrying that you're placing your own future in jeopardy. It may not lessen the grief, but it's less likely to complicate the situation, too. I also know that Kathie Lee has always been a woman of strong faith. I'm sure that helps her, as well. I've always been a questioner, so I've never completely had that spiritual peace of mind. I want concrete answers that make sense. And I want them NOW! Haha! 

[kayc]

Terri,

A friend of mine used to work for Enterprise Rent-A-Car from home.  They set up the computer & internet & paid for it, she just worked from home during set hours.  I would have done it myself except high speed internet isn't available where I live.  Just an idea.  She liked working for them, and only quit to go back to Alaska and take care of her mom when she was dying.  Enterprise had good benefits.

Also, Obamacare is available should you lose your medical insurance.  You can call healthcare.gov and they'll walk you through applying or you can apply on line.  I chose to call them and let them do it for me, they will even walk you through the insurance selection and let you know what your portion is.  1-800-318-2596  Have your tax return available when you call.

I hope it doesn't come to them doing away with benefits, he already earned them and it doesn't seem ethical to do that now!  When something like that happens in our state, we contact Peter DeFazio's office and get help from them.  You could try your congressman, doesn't hurt to try!

[Gwenivere]

44 minutes ago, TerriL said:

It is a weird feeling when you see something familiar and it gives you that "startle" effect. I was in the kitchen one night a few weeks ago, the phone rang and I looked at the ID. My husband's name came up with the number of our land line. 

I have the same thing happen to me!  It's really weird because you can't call your landline from your own phone.  A friend said she thought he was reaching to me as technology was one of his favorite hobbies.  I think it is a ring back from robo calls, but it still shocks me every time to see his name.  I've never been here to actually hear the phone ring.  It's very very odd.  I figure if it IS him, the least he could do is leave a frigging message!  

[KarenK]

Gwen,

Was watching Law & Order:SVU one night and an episode contained a website where a person could "spoof" a phone number so that it showed it was calling itself. With today's technology, anything is possible. Still, it's a much nicer thought that Steve was calling you.

Terri,

 Nothing crazy at all with wanting to have Paul's truck in the driveway, whether out of love or for security reasons. I only have one vehicle, but it will always be "Ron's truck". I would think that celebs grieve just as we do, but doubt that they are worrying about their house payment or where their next meal is coming from. Years one & two were hard enough for me. Three is now filled with attempting to survive along with grief. I am not suicidal, but wonder each day why I bother to survive with nothing to look forward to except another day of struggling. I cannot seem to concentrate well enough to learn a new job, nor are there many job opportunities for 70 year old women. I know that U-Haul has work at home employment for customer service.

Mitch,

Your redneck joke is priceless. I was married to a W. Va. redneck for 40 years. Much of him rubbed off on me. If we cannot laugh at ourselves...............

[Margm]

My door (forgot to paint the facing, Billy and Scott's porch, my petunias, and fixing to give it all away.  I think I am going to take the door off the hinges and use it for a wall hanging in  the apartment.   

ADDENDUM:  What you folks don't understand, I took those pictures with my Kindle.  I TOOK THEM, old shaking hands me.  And, it does not look like an earthquake.  I'm sorry Billy, I can take pictures too.  Damn I miss that man.

[Margm]

11 hours ago, mittam99 said:

Hope you find this as funny as I did...

Well, it would have been funnier if you had not used Cousin Theo and Cousin Horatio's pictures.

Mitch, I get by with so much dumb stuff by swearing to this.  It does not take much convincing.    

[kayc]

Your door is beautiful, so is your house!  And you did it (picture)!

[Margm]

Thanks.  House was built in 1965, but it has whipped my behind. Still needs some touch-ups.  Last bit of housekeeping repairs I will ever do.  Knocking on wood.

Purple and red petunias.  Hello world.  I can grow flowers.  I have to leave fast before they die or I water them to death.  

 

[KATPILOT]

13 hours ago, TerriL said:

 

It is a weird feeling when you see something familiar and it gives you that "startle" effect. I was in the kitchen one night a few weeks ago, the phone rang and I looked at the ID. My husband's name came up with the number of our land line. When I saw Paul's name on the ID, I felt an automatic adrenaline rush, just as I would when he'd visit relatives up North and call me from the road to check in and let me know he had stopped for the night. This time, however, I didn't pick up the phone. I'm sure it was probably a scam, but instead, I chose to see it as him sending me a sign. Just a few minutes before that phone rang, I had been looking at his picture and asking if he even realized how much I loved him and missed him. It wasn't the first time I'd had this type of experience since Paul's passing.

 

That is awesome, absolutely awesome. That you were just speaking to him confirms the fact that they sometimes are there and listening to us.

[Cookie]

Marg:  I was not angry with you.  I was just reacting to the celebrity thing, as it hurts me personally.  I get a lot of input around me that I need to buck up and that is the message I am tired of hearing because I don't seem to be up to it.  But, I know that people deal with things differently.  It's just that when you have a public forum, like a celebrity, it's almost like they are modeling how you "should be" and that is the message that comes across.  She could just accept the award and leave it at that without the commentary on being strong, mostly because we are all different and not all of us feel that bravery.  But, in no way was my comment directed towards you.  Please know that.  I think you are very entertaining and enjoy your posts.  Warmly Cookie

[Froggie4635]

Dear Cookie,

I did not read your post as being angry at anyone here; I understand what you are feeling.  My therapist has told me that society in general does not know how to deal with grief.  society in general doesn't even like the idea of dealing with death, let alone all the feelings and emotions that go along with grief.  You are right in that celebrities do not realize the help they could give to getting grief to be understood as something that affects all facets of your life, and just saying I am being strong really doesn't even scratch the surface.  I think we are all being strong...what choice do we really have?  There was a saying I have seen that says basically you didn't know about being strong until that was your only choice.  

I know how you feel about people telling you to "buck up"; how much it truly hurts.  I had someone here at work, who I know was just concerned and cared, tell me to stop feeling sorry for myself...on all days Christmas Eve.  Yesterday I had someone tell me how much better they thought I was doing; that they could see it in the way I walked in the hall now.  They also told me how very proud Mark would be of how I am handling things.  I know it is supposed to be our "goal" to not be so sad all the time...but I am not sure I am ready yet to give that up.  People don't realized that now I seem to get slammed more with the little mundane things that I miss...the times I want to share my day, or bitch about something, or laugh about something one of the dogs did.  Since I have stepped out of my fog, the missing is so much more INTENSE, and facing the fact that I can't change what happened, no matter how badly I close my eyes and wish it.  We are all united here in our learning about how this journey works.

[Margm]

Cookie, I very seldom look back at what I write.  I don't like to be reminded.  But, I cannot remember your being angry with me.  I love you "girls" and honestly feel your pain and know you feel mine.  I will tell you I just had a breakdown that probably needs a straight jacket, but it is family dynamics.  We will get that straightened out too.  Well, there are some we can do nothing about.  I remember reading some quote from some famous person, and I cannot remember his/her name, and am saying it wrong, but the meaning is the same.  "When the case is hopeless, why worry." If I was a millionaire I could help.  I am only a small thousandaire and it is getting less and less.  It has to stop.  I'm the only one that can do anything about it and I am one of those snails that creeps under the door to hide.  Honestly, I miss Billy's directions so much.  He could calm me down.  This is all between me, sister, mother, granddaughter, daughter, and all mixed together.  We are all certifiable but honestly, I am the only one that has the resources (insurance) that will put me in a padded cell, but I am ready for one.  I will say, I miss Billy so much, but Billy cannot help me out of this predicament.  If he was alive he would try, but even he could not help.  "If the situation is hopeless, why worry?"  I am going to take another half Xanax and I will not worry either.

And moving.  I cannot remember, what comes first, the chicken or the egg.  Do I go ahead and move what I want to keep and then come back and get rid of what I don't want, or do I get rid of what I don't want and then move.  I am certifiable right now.  All I have to do is call my doc and they will put me away.  "There coming to take me away, ho ho".

 

[kayc]

Marg, I've often thought if I ever have to move (I've been here 39 years) I will move what I want to take with me and then come back and deal with the rest, I think it's be easier that way.  I'm very methodical and organized but I have way too much stuff here, much of it is not mine but what is left after years of raising a family and going through too many husbands and getting stuck with their stuff.  I'd tell people to come get what they want and then I'd maybe have a garage sale, call St. Vinnie's to come get what they want, and take the rest to the dump.

[Margm]

You have most of my mini-nervous breakdowns on here.  I joke, but there is a lot of truth under that joke.  Am I okay?  Well, I just had my Xanax, I am better, but "no I am not okay and I never will be again."  Am I going to make it????  Could be, might be, might not, might not be possible.  If I could color in line, I would be just fine with a padded cell.  Cannot color in those damn color books though.  My shaking won't let me.  But I can take a picture.  You should have seen that Kindle, it was being shook up and down and I don't know how it ever took a picture.  Did not know I could.  

[TerriL]

Marg, your door and petunias are simply beautiful! Red doors on houses are so cheerful and inviting. At least, they are to me. And a darn fine picture-taking job you did there, too! Screw drivers, sanders, picture taking, what will be your next big adventure? I can't wait to find out! 

Thank you for the information about the at-home jobs. I will look into that. Right now, KNOCK ON WOOD, I do still have medical insurance through the city, so I'm not worried about that part. Yet. There are many people affected by this turn of events with the city, so I'm not the only one involved. I know that they are not just accepting all of this without a fight, so it could be a long and winding road. I'm reminded of Bette Davis in All About Eve: "Fasten your seat belts. It's going to be a bumpy night!"

I don't think any of us would really take anything to heart and become angry. Oh my goodness, as if we have the extra energy for THAT! Haha! I went to my niece's baby shower last Sunday. It's the first time I've gone anywhere in a social context since Paul died. There were difficult moments, but I managed to get through it. It isn't easy to look around at all these young couples, still with their plans and futures ahead of them and not think of how Paul and I were once like that. Playing with my five year old great nephew really helped though. He knows his "Uncle Paul" isn't here anymore, but I'm sure he doesn't really get it, and he's so open and loving that it's hard to feel down when he's around, especially when you make him laugh out loud. That belly laugh that young children let loose with unbridled joy and no pretense---if they could only bottle that up and mete it out to people in small doses, how much better we'd ALL feel. 

I hope all of you are having a great week! I wish I could see you all in person to give you big hugs! 

[Gwenivere]

6 hours ago, Froggie4635 said:

There was a saying I have seen that says basically you didn't know about being strong until that was your only choice.  

This is where I get messed up sometimes, Maryann.  I know I do things perceived as strong, but inside I am a scared, trembling little kid.  The rare times I actually feel I am gaining some strength vanish so quickly.  Often because of things I did before with strength.  Even the smallest if things.  Now they take so much effort and have been going on so long that I am alone in doing them, I feel like the life has been kicked out of me.  For example, there are some nights I want to come home and say....Steve, could you feed the dogs?  I'm beat.  But no option there and it feels like a massive effort.  

[brat#2]

I get it, being "strong" is so hard now, even though I have been strong in the past and was able to do things and function with confidence, now I can't.

I've been having a weird feeling today and I don't know why.  We all talk about the nightmare it has been since we lost our love ones, but today for some reason I feel like the 34 years I had with Dale was all a dream. Has anyone else felt this?  Even though I see his picture and can see and touch his things, it just doesn't feel real to me.  I don't know if it's because I don't have anyone to talk to about him or have anyone who knew him talk to me about him, that I just feel it was all a dream.  If it was, it is a good dream and I want that dream back.  I don't know if I'm going through a denial phase, but all I know is I miss him so much and our life we had. like we all do.

Joyce 

[Margm]

Joyce, I have had unreal feelings a lot.  Like he is coming home.  He went fishing in Mexico one time for a few days but that is the longest we were ever away from each other.  We were separated six weeks once but we saw each other every day so I cannot count that.  I think we all feel like we will wake up from this nightmare, but the nights keep going by and we wake up and have to keep on going..  That is the best I can do.  I got in over my head with this moving.  Still over my head.  I keep thinking "which came first, the chicken or the egg?"  I have never done this alone, and yet my son is with me so I am not alone.  Honestly he is as big a slob as I am though and this stuff gets overpowering.  Do I get the movers to come get the stuff I want to keep and then throw the rest away/give it away or do I give all the stuff away and then have the movers come.  I bit off way more than I could chew and having family problems at the same time does not help.  I am not so weak that I have to give up.  I want to give up.  But I cannot give up.  I gotta finish this crap I started but this is the hardest thing I have ever done. I have to put a correction in here.  The hardest thing I have ever done is accepting the fact Billy cannot return.  I know that is a fact, he is not returning, that is the hardest thing I have ever faced. I would move twice a month if I could have him back.  Even birthing my first child natural childbirth was not this hard.  But, that was something you got the ball rolling and you could not quit.  A woman stopped me the next day in the hall and wanted to know if I had had that damn baby yet.  She said I was yelling "I don't want this damn baby."  Well, I don't want this moving crap either, but I have the ball rolling and I have got to see it through.  Still not sure yet about the chicken and the egg.

[brat#2]

Marg, I completely understand how overwhelming moving must be.  I don't know how you are doing it, I certainly couldn't be doing that along with everything else.  I don't think it would really matter if you had the movers come first and take the stuff you want to keep or not, as long as you know which stuff you are taking and which stuff you getting rid of.  I know that would be the hard decision for me, what to keep and what not to keep.  By the way, your door and flowers look wonderful.  I think once you are finally moved and it settles down a little bit, you are going to be happy with your decision (you didn't like the house anyway).  You will get through this!!

 

Joyce

 

[Margm]

Joyce, I am just trying to leave this house.  I was going to spruce it up but I am so tired of it that I am going to put the paint I bought, and I bought a lot, I am going to put a note on it and say "this is a do-it yourself house."  I had Scott take off the screen door.  I have been wanting to do that for 10 years.  So, he was painting the black room and he heard me playing with that door.  I feel like such an old woman.  "Mama, you are doing that wrong.  What is going to happen, you started at the bottom and that door is going to fall on you and  hurt you."  So, and he was not in a good mood, he quit painting and took over the old woman's task.  I'm through.  Stuff goes up in front of the thrift store tonight.  Only my neighbors want to know if I am giving/throwing anything of value.  Mostly all I have left to go through is books.  That is my downfall.  If I would just put them in boxes instead of trying to read them again it would be okay.  

I don't mean he was painting the black room black.  My daughter thought she was doing New Orleans Saints colors, I guess.  I bought an expensive blue paint that I thought would cover it.  No one liked it.  Let me tell you, go to Lowe's and get the paint that has the primer mixed in.  One coat covers black, and I got a cream color, not dark.  It really works.  I did not believe it.  But he won't let me paint either.  Says I don't know how.  Okay.

[iPraiseHim]

Marg, Moving has to be up there on the stress level meter, especially with all of the life memories attached to your home.  You know you can do what you can do. 

Marg & BRAT#2, I have had and continue to have the recurring thought that Rose Anne will soon return or I will wake up from this bad dream and all will be like it was before.  This grief walk is not a sprint, dash or even a marathon.  Initially all of my days were grief stricken.  Now I have some okay days and then some down days. I know there is an ultimate purpose in all of this but I figure I am so far in the woods that I can't see the forest for the trees. 

All I know is that I have survived day by day for over 15 months since my wife died. I am trying to accept it as a reality in my world today.  I don't like being alone.   I felt safe with her by my side. Complete. Whole.  Now, my world is still, shaken, shattered, and broken.  The outside world thinks I'm okay.  I am surviving but still not fully living yet.  I understand these things take time.  Feelings are just that feelings.  They are not necessarily facts.  I acknowledged them and move forward.

At first, I couldn't imagine one day without my beloved.  Now, I am doing my best to live in this day whatever it brings.  I don't like the down days so I try to make sure I am getting enough sleep, eating healthier, staying hydrated, and keep on moving forward in life.  When I get anxious, I remind myself  to just be still until I can regain some level of peace in my heart.  I pray and then go do what I am supposed to do each day. It's time to rest again.  Another full day of work ahead.  I am grateful I can still work.  Shalom - George