If You're Going Through Hell

[kayc]

19 hours ago, Marg M said:

Billy loved a T-bone, almost better than biscuits and gravy. 

That brought me a smile as I remembered my big guy, he loved to eat!  He would have enjoyed a T-bone with Billy, or biscuits and gravy, either one!

19 hours ago, Marg M said:

At 75 you do not do too much looking ahead and planning.  I never learned how to swim, but I learned how to tread water, and I guess that is what I'm doing.

Marty posted about a webinar coming up from Peggy Haymes, I like Peggy Haymes, get her emails, and I read through hers this morning.  She talked about menopause and midlife...I'm past both, can't relate to that any more, it's been too long, but I sure related to your treading water!    Maybe that's what old age is.

[Margm]

5 hours ago, kayc said:

.I'm past both, can't relate to that any more, it's been too long

I get her emails also.  Now, the cancer took care of my menopause early, but I still had the four times of waking up each night sweating and having to change clothes.  Got to where I would go to sleep on a beach towel each time, had a bunch of them, and plenty of big Tee shirts beside the bed.  Don't miss that part.  My doc got so tired of me asking when it was gonna stop.  He eventually told me "I DON'T KNOW."   So, I just quit asking and eventually they quit.  They would not let me have any kind of estrogen, so you just put up with it.  I remember when they started making women quit taking the estrogen because they were afraid of breast cancer.  I typed one ole gal in her 80's and she told them she had to go some way or the other but they WERE NOT going to take her estrogen away.  They  didn't.  

I have been very down this week because of my friend in the nursing home.  She always was the one that was first to jump into everything.  I wish she had not jumped into the wine so much though.  She was so alone.  It hurt me to see her just laying in bed staring at the bare wall.  So many are so alone.  I am so sorry for that and wish I could correct everybody's sadness, but guess I need to sweep around my on doorsteps. 

I was waiting for my son to come down and put three things I had bought together.  My granddaughter jumped on all three and put them together.  (I could have done that too), but honestly I  have got to where if I don't want to do something, I just won't do it.  Lazy or maybe just stubborn.  

[Margm]

My mama might have probably had some problems living, even though she made it to 95.  I cannot ever remember her having any big surgery or any illness other than sinus problems but it was like she said she was not going to be sick and I'm not sure that maybe even God would not have argued with her.  I know Daddy tried to argue with her, but if it was anything biblical, that woman would find him wrong every time.  She might have been "mean" to my understanding, but as far as being a good woman, she was a good woman.  Just as long as you didn't argue with her.  Used to she would tell me fairy tales, stories, and I would hear her and Daddy discussing the Bible.  Both had read it in the KJV and I prefer that one too.  Don't mean to start a religious argument going because we are allowed a choice of whether to believe or not to believe.  If you don't, that is your choice.  There was one Bible verse though that gave and gives me comfort.  If you don't believe, just ignore it.   Paul says in 1 Corinthians 13:12, "For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known" (NKJ). That last phrase, "I shall know just as I also am known" would indicate that we shall know others as well as be known by others.  As I said, that gives me comfort.  I have read some of the Bible, but I have not read it through like many people have.  And as far as being an authority on it, I am a tiny gnat in my understanding.

[kayc]

Right now it's my home that is my Alcatraz...I discovered my roof is rotten and I have someone coming out to give me an estimate...this is on my double garage/storage building/shop, it's going to be way more than the patio roof...and I already knew the back of the garage was rotten, the whole thing was built shoddily.  I'm scared to hear the bid, afraid it'll be way out of my league or that they'll say it just needs torn down.  The storage room houses my water tank and freezer, I need it.  The shop floor was built wood on dirt and I don't like to go in there, just keep my air compressor, etc. in it.  We'll see.  It's probably why I'm not sleeping right now.  3 1/2 hours sleep isn't enough.

 

[KarenK]

Well, 2 AM here and it's a good thing I don't sleep much as I'm keeping an eye on the big dog, Tatum. Yesterday morning, she jumped to catch a ball and twisted midair. When she landed, her back legs no longer worked. She couldn't walk or stand. We thought she had broken her back. Robert & David put her gently in the truck and we headed to the vet. After very expensive x-rays, blood work, tests, & a cold laser treatment, the vet is still a bit stymied. Although the x-rays looked okay, she does have some arthritis and may have broken off some calcium when she twisted. Or she may have some fancy named condition that has to do with embolism of the discs and instantly paralyzes the animal. In which case the paralysis may be temporary or permanent. After the sedation wore off, she has stood and taken a few tentative steps, but sits and lays down quickly. The vet said her back end would be very weak for a while, so I'm hoping in time she will be better. She has anti-inflammatory & pain meds & I got her to eat & drink a bit earlier. She is definitely one hurt doggie right now.

Think I should have purchased stock in this vet clinic. Will probably be taking both dogs in next week for a (free) recheck.

Had just enough time to make a quick run to Walmart before picking up dog from vet. Drove all the way there and discovered I had left my purse on the kitchen table. First time in my life, I think I have EVER left my purse behind.

Oh well, no stress here. Life goes on.

[MartyT]

3 hours ago, KarenK said:

Oh well, no stress here. Life goes on.

I appreciate the sentiment, Karen. Both you and Kay are in my heart . . . 

[Margm]

Karen, we watch all of those animal films with the dogs, cats, bears, raccoons, deer, every kind of animal doing stunts, the cat chasing the bear away, dogs jumping towards table or couches and missing them, cats falling off doors, and sometimes they are really funny.  But how many times have we thrown things for our dogs and you don't think about them injuring themselves.  Billy's dog Briar used to could jump across small streams like they were not even there.  He was the most agile dog, big, he was the breed of dog that played in the movie "The Biscuit Eater" I think.  I have seen it on commercials.  Billy loved that dog, but we kept him in a dog pen Billy had built behind the house.  That dog was bred to hunt, not sit still, and after seven years, there was a man who owned 40 acres living out in the country below us.  We had seen Briar so many times up on his dog house, part way, he was just leaning, looking out at the horizon.  We felt so bad about that.  Billy had lost interest in taking him up into the forest, or even the forest we lived in, although he had done that for about five years and that dog loved to run.  He caught a fox one time when he let him out and, as I guess his breed of dog did, he was killing him and Billy had to put the fox down.  He was a pure bred (whatever he was) and very smart and Billy had gotten too old for him, I guess.  The man we gave him to had just lost his dog and they said the man made his dog his best friend.  Billy hurt to give him away and any  time a commercial would come on, you could see him want to cry, and he might have.  But Briar had ponds to wade in, a big barn to sleep in at night, and woods to roam.  We lived too close to the highway to let him run loose and he was not bred to live in a pen.  He never even looked back at us as he was driving away.  He could leap mountains, but that dog never could jump into the back of the truck.  Billy would pick that big dog up into the truck. That was our last dog, but over the years Billy had had many to roam the woods with.  I had my dogs when I was a kid and when I saw so many of them get killed or die of being poisoned, I wanted no more.  Mama would not let me keep them in the house.  My daughter has a small poodle that is her every minute companion and sometimes is more human than those walking on two feet.  She had cats inside as she was growing up.  

My heart goes out to you that have lost your pets or they are ill or hurt.  We do not any of us need grief added on to grief.  We still grieve for Butch and his family.  And, we do all the fur babies that are gone too.  And Karen, my heart is with you so much for your daughter, and your fur baby.  

Oh yes, I pride myself in not forgetting where my  glasses, keys, phone, purse, I have to remember or I go in a panic.  My son is down here with me  right now and we went to my daughters.  I did not discover I had left my purse until we came out, it was dark and I could not drive anyhow at night so Scott drove home.  I was surprised that I had forgot it, thanking that my son was going to drive.  Just surprised at my carelessness.  Not forgetfulness, that is a given.  

[Gwenivere]

Karen, I hope Tatum just twisted and will resolve itself.  Had a dog once whose back legs paralyzed and it was terrifying.  I’m watching my. 13 year old change and am very sad for the dog she once was.  I’m glad you had your son as moving a dog is very hard.  That is my worry.  Keep us updated on how she is.

Im always double checking for purse and keys.  Carry spare keys in my pockets, but can’t do that with a purse.  Mind is so foggy at times I sometimes think I left it at some store and really panic, rushing home to find it.  I’ve even lost it in my own house leaving it somewhere odd.  

[KarenK]

Thanks, guys. She is up and moving, albeit slowly and she lays down very carefully. It must be like when a human throws their back out. You barely want to move. She sure had us worried, remembering "Brownie" who fell backward and busted her spleen trying to jump into the jeep. Despite emergency surgery, she died. Watching our animals grow old, be injured, or get sick is heart wrenching as they can't tell you what's wrong, but they definitely appreciate you being there. Poor Tatum wanted one of us by her side all night long. Marg, it was a noble thing that Billy did, allowing that big dog the freedom to be himself. Some people see pets only as possessions, some of us see them as family members and friends.

Sure don't like the carelessness or forgetfulness. Another gift of growing old. It was kind of ironic to forget my purse. When we had rushed to the vet, Robert mentioned grabbing his cigarettes and wallet as priorities. I mentioned putting on my bra,  LOL,  and grabbing my purse and cigarettes. For the store trip, I grabbed the grocery list and cigarettes. Guess money became unimportant.

On another front, waiting for Sears to authorize replacement of my range. Heck, the current one only lasted 32 years and some parts have finally bit the dust. Will be nice to get a new one, but a hassle. Will have to unload the kitchen island and move it to put the range in. Can you imagine the dirt, grease, and grime that's behind that old range?  YUK

Will shut my mouth for now.

[kayc]

Karen, I'm so sorry!  Poor doggy!  I had a golden retriever, 120 lbs, once that couldn't get up.  A friend and I were able to lift him into her station wagon and drive him 60 miles to the vet.  They gave him a steroid shot, and he never had it happen again, they called it hip dysplasia.  It's a terrifying feeling when your dog can't stand or walk and they're too big for you to lift!

I hope she recovers fully and continues to have quality of life.  

Under the circumstances I can see why you had a temporary memory lapse!  Allow yourself that!  My stove top is built in and the ovens across the kitchen also...all 42 years old!  They don't make things like they used to, the refrigerator I just lost was 5 1/2 years old and the new one I got...I'd be surprised if it made it that long!  They said it's the new coolant systems, but honestly, I think it's just new appliances period.  My dryer is 42 also,  My 20 year old washer will be the next to go, it's leaking somewhere, if I do beyond a gentle low load.  Want to wait for the dust to settle from the refrigerator and garage roof, car, watch, etc. before buying anything else so I clean up under the washer and pretend not to notice for now.  

You must have some warranty agreement for Sears to authorize replacement?  I never buy those, I can only imagine what that would have cost me over 42 years!  Years back we used to, but now I just grit my teeth and replace the item. 

 

[KarenK]

Kay,

Not sure if it exists anymore, but I am grandfathered on a Sears Master Protection agreement. It does cost me $850 a year, but it covers all major appliances, water heater, televisions, furnace,  & AC system, most of them being replaced several times over the past several years. Some years it pays for itself, others not, but I think it averages out. For sure, appliances are not made like they used to be. My dryer is 48 years old and "knock on wood" still working okay. The main reason I keep the agreement is for the AC system. It is 32 years old and around $5,000 to replace which I definitely couldn't handle.

Tatum is doing a bit better today, moving slow, but getting around. I can equate with that.

[Gwenivere]

Protection agreements are something I decide by the item.  If I had a smart phone, I wouldn’t.  Chances  you are going to upgrade within 3 years wouldn’t be worth it.  All appliances that use water I do.  I should have on the fridge.  Ovens and cooktops are a tough call.  I keep buying added protection on my 2010 Escape because I love it and it has enough technology, new ones look like nightmares to me with bells and whistles I’d never use.  Wish I had one on the TV.  Steve’s van has cameras, touch pads and all kinds of things I haven’t a clue how to use.  Just finding the windshield wipers was tough enough!   

Hot hot hot here in Seattle.  Just gave a portable AC for the living room.  The climate change deniers drive me crazy.  It never used to be like this.  Always was comfortable at about 75 max.  None of this 90's stuff.  I’m so wiped out if I go out and often feel sick from it.  I grew up in NM with these temps, but I was young and we had swamp coolers, so much nicer than AC.  Too humid for that here.  

Glad to hear Tatum is doing better, Karen.  

[Widowedbysuicide]

Hello @KarenK,

I'm glad to read that your Tatum is better today.  Slow and steady is good.  Hugs to you both 💓

[kayc]

15 hours ago, KarenK said:

Kay,

Not sure if it exists anymore, but I am grandfathered on a Sears Master Protection agreement. It does cost me $850 a year, but it covers all major appliances, water heater, televisions, furnace,  & AC system, most of them being replaced several times over the past several years. Some years it pays for itself, others not, but I think it averages out. For sure, appliances are not made like they used to be. My dryer is 48 years old and "knock on wood" still working okay. The main reason I keep the agreement is for the AC system. It is 32 years old and around $5,000 to replace which I definitely couldn't handle.

Tatum is doing a bit better today, moving slow, but getting around. I can equate with that.

$850/year is a lot but so is replacing appliances when you least expect it.  At least you can budget for this so it's a consistent monthly figure.  Where I live we have to get someone from 60 miles away to come out, they diagnose, order parts, then have to come out again to fix it...very very expensive!  They only have one person locally that can fix things and he's a crook, exorbitant charges, takes people's $ and never shows up again.  I'd never hire him!  His Yelp ratings are horrific.  Dryers aren't very complicated, they're mostly air inside, a belt, a motor, not a whole lot to them, so not surprising yours and mine have lasted so long.  

I'm so glad Tatum is doing better!  That's the best news I've heard all day!  I'm smiling big smiles for you, you've had too much to go through and you need a break!

[kayc]

11 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Hot hot hot here in Seattle.  Just gave a portable AC for the living room.  The climate change deniers drive me crazy.  It never used to be like this.  Always was comfortable at about 75 max.  None of this 90's stuff.  I’m so wiped out if I go out and often feel sick from it.  I grew up in NM with these temps, but I was young and we had swamp coolers, so much nicer than AC.  Too humid for that here.

Been in the 90s here all week, will be this coming week too.  I don't have A/C and like you, this heat wipes me out.  At least it cooled down some last night, the night before it didn't.  I guess the cool rain is going up north (Canada) and missing us.  Lucky Kevin! 

11 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 I keep buying added protection on my 2010 Escape because I love it and it has enough technology, new ones look like nightmares to me with bells and whistles I’d never use.  

I'm afraid I'm going to regret selling my 2007 Honda Civic.  It had 195,000 miles on it but that's nothing on a Civic, especially one that was one owner, garaged, mostly freeway miles, but alas I need a 4-door automatic.  Not sure the Volvo was the way to go but if it breaks down I'll deal with that when the time comes.  Maybe I'll do something different in a couple of years.  Right now I have my hands full trying to figure out how to pay for another new roof, this time the double garage and attached buildings.  Still haven't gotten the estimate although he relayed he could do it the end of August.  It's decisions like these I get tired of making on my own, cars/houses/repairs it seems it's always something!

[TomPB]

I think we were the last people in Boston to get an AC, just a portable for the bedroom. Always used to say why bother, you only need it for a few days. Glad I have it. Also glad you don't need a car in a compact city w good public transport. Been car-free for 15 years. Now with car sharing and Uber it's easier than ever. Parking on the street on Beacon Hill was a nightmare esp in winter, and now is worse.

[Widowedbysuicide]

Hot here on Vancouver Island too!

[Margm]

5 hours ago, TomPB said:

Parking on the street on Beacon Hill was a nightmare esp in winter, and now is worse.

My sister lived in the French Quarter.  Beautiful place with a courtyard but she had to get out and move her vehicle a couple of times a day for street cleaners.  Guess it was worth it to her, she lived there awhile.  Y'all live in big cities.  Everywhere I go is country except Shreveport/Bossier.  Lived there all our kids school years and I do not recognize the place now.  Like my little 12,000 "city."  

Guess this has nothing to do about grief except when I can get in my car and just travel the back roads.  Works like Xanax.  

[kayc]

I can't imagine not having a car, Tom!  But then I live in the country and have to commute to the city if I need to shop (1 1/4 hours away), and don't have public transportation...although the government is putting a transit tax on everyone in Oregon.  Go figure, Kate Brown getting more $ to spend from us.

Marita, I bet it is hot there!  Today is another day in the 90s and pansy that I am, I'm wishing it was back in the 70s.

 

[Gwenivere]

Broke the record for heat here in Seattle.  Another day to go.

I've been limp walking forever it seems.  Yesterday at the nursing home I sat down and felt a twinge of pain.  Then I could barely walk.  Was hoping it was a muscle, but the Urgent Care doc says some little joint in the lower back slipped, but he didn’t really examine me.   Have to wait and see if it gets better.  Talk of injections and ortho docs just made my head spin. I keep wondering how long I can keep up juggling these varied maladies I have.  There is nothing worse than being in excruciating pain alone.  Hoping nothing happens that needs attention because you just couldn’t do it.  I want to cry, but something is in the way.  A kind of surrender that I am losing and wonder where that leads.  I have to cancel volunteering tomorrow.  I don’t expect a miracle overnight.  I just wish I could get ONE day without something medical involved.  As always, missing Steve to feel more relaxed there is someone here.  Hitting the Xanax to not panic.  Hoping I wake up and can walk.  Gonna be another long night.  More so than usual.  

[Gin]

So sorry, Gwen.  This aloneness is the pits.  Sure hope things improve overnight.  I have bad bouts with sciatica and do exercises to TRY to help a little.  I know that having Steve there would have made all the difference.

[Margm]

I love my state, but even in winter we have these hot sweaty  days.  Guess we are in the tropics.  What I have wrong with me I cannot really talk about, but there is pain, lots of back and leg pain, lying down does not help, sitting compounds one of my forever problems, so I sit anyhow and I can only take Tylenol, blood pressure and Xanax of course.  The problem with Xanax is I am allowed 2 a day, and if I take more the tolerance builds up and it does not work.  Even if I take 2 a day I build up a tolerance.  She is talking about giving me the long acting Xanax and I don't know what that is or how to take it and figure the tolerance will certainly build up.  She knows I go to my old PCP to get my Xanax and asked the business office if it messed up my insurance and I told her I had been doing it nearly three years and if it was going to mess up my insurance it already would have.   I have lived with the inconvenience and pain since March of 2014, just watch my temp so sepsis does not build up and blockage again.  

My daughter is a retired nurse, but other than giving me shots if I need them, she cannot help me and I sure cannot take pain pills or even aspirin because I have the Factor IX in my blood and could bleed out, so I scare doctors, and they scare me.  It creates, like my non cursing mother said "a mell of a hess" but here I am.  Can still get around.  I told her I was unwilling to do without my Xanax and she offered the long acting, she can do this, but cannot give me my two a day prescription.  Sometimes life makes no sense.  And death makes a hole that can never be repaired, for most people anyhow.  So, we play the hand as it was dealt.  

[kayc]

Gwen,

That has to be frightening!  Let us know how you are today.  Yes, another day of heat.  Yesterday wasn't as hot but FELT hotter because of the humidity, very sultry.

[Gwenivere]

Some oxycodone is being prescribed.  Have to pick it up and get it to the pharmacy as it is a controlled substance and they can’t call it in.  Also calling in some muscle relaxers.  Wong do both at once, not being alone.  I’m terrified to take it, but I have to do something.  I guess there is always 911 if things go south.  

[Margm]

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

I guess there is always 911 if things go south.

On your key for your car there is something that ought to make the car alarm go off too.  Don't know why I remember this.  Maybe someone on here told us.