If You're Going Through Hell

[Gwenivere]

I don’t think that will help me, Marg.  Just annoy the neighbors and me.  😊

 

[Margm]

Well, maybe someone would get annoyed enough to come check.  Embarrassed the dickens out of me to wake up at 2:00 a.m. with police cars and an ambulance in front of my house and they were going to knock the door down.  Of course Billy had just gone and everyone feared the worse.  My hair stuck out in a bunch of ways and I had ear buds in my hand.  None of my neighbors noticed thank goodness.  Just another meth bust.  

It does scare you being all alone.  I have faced it a few nights, but thankfully not very many, although I wish a better life for my granddaughter than living with an old person like me although we listen to the same music and watch the same movies.  I have become quite a Marvel movie ...........what do you call it?  Okay, I can spell fanatic.  They cut this last movie in half and the remainder will be next year.  For old folks your just hoping they have theaters in Heaven.  

[Gin]

Gwen,. Whenever I get a new prescription, I am afraid to take it. Many times I never do.  When we are alone, things sure are different.

[Widowedbysuicide]

I'm hoping that you are getting some relief Gwen.

Too much of being a widow is so hard.  I am in good physical health and soon to be 61 but in thinking about my future health I feel very uneasy.

Take care in this heat everyone.  Too hot for me at 28°C today and only cooling to 15 at night.  

 

[kayc]

9 hours ago, Gin said:

Whenever I get a new prescription, I am afraid to take it. Many times I never do.

I just got a call from my health insurance wanting to go over my medicines.  It annoyed me.  I told them I went over my Rxs with my doctor in January and I've been on them a long time and they're working.  They said some Medicare rule says they have to go over them with me.  So I went through it all again, explaining each and every one.  She told me they're sending me a list of them to keep with me...I told them I already have a list in my purse, my doctor has a list, I have a list on my computer, so I don't need their list.  She said they have to send it to me.

I don't know why they want to go over the doctor's head or change what has been working.  That's why I hate getting new doctors, they want to change everything and it upsets the balance.

[Margm]

This is not to make any sense at all.  Does not have to.  I don't have to anymore.  I walked across the way to our mail boxes and got a catalog in the mail.  Gonna throw it away but thought Bri might want to peruse it.  Sky is clear, it is 8:03 pm so night is coming on.  You cannot get the feeling of home, because Billy would have to be here for it to be home.  There will never be another home on this earth and I remembered something about "stranger in a strange land" and I looked up at the sky and told Billy, I was that "stranger in a strange land" and then I thought about the elderly woman down a few apartments from me, we are not real friendly, just acquaintances.  Her daughter brought her down from Wisconsin and just dumped her.  This is not a government subsidy apartment, she has no car.  I am not sure how she makes it but we have a senior bus that comes by.  She does not care to sit and talk really, but she is a stranger in a strange land too.  (I have a feeling you all would be strangers in this tropical heat in triple digits).  

“Anybody can look at a pretty girl and see a pretty girl. An artist can look at a pretty girl and see the old woman she will become. A better artist can look at an old woman and see the pretty girl that she used to be. But a great artist--a master--and that is what Auguste Rodin was--can look at an old woman, portray her exactly as she is . . . and force the viewer to see the pretty girl she used to be . . . and more than that, he can make anyone with the sensitivity of an armadillo, or even you, see that this lovely young girl is still alive, not old and ugly at all, but simply prisoned inside her ruined body.”  Robert A. Heinlein, Stranger in a Strange Land

Well, guess that lifted everyone's spirits.  My son had to leave yesterday.  He has "promises to keep and miles to go before he sleeps also."

I am feeling so melodramatic today.  Wish the woman from Wisconsin, wish her son would come take her home.  But, she is a widow also.  Cannot get her to talk much except how mean her daughter is to her.  My daughter is being an angel.  We all miss our anchor. 

 

[KarenK]

Marg,

The things you write make perfect sense to me. This house has not felt like "home" to me since the night Ron died ten feet from where I now sit. Although I have lived here for fifty years and my "guys" are here with me, it is not the same. There is no joy,  mostly sadness, worry,  and strife. For sure, the anchor is gone as well as the captain. Makes for a very lost ship.

This is stupid, but I will tell it anyway. In addition to my yearly warning from the city that my lawn needs to be kept "verdant and green"(What part of it's HOT, HOT, HOT here and grass dies in the summer, don't they understand), the new code inspector warned me that I can't store a couch on my porch unless it is patio furniture. I told him it was't being stored, that people SIT on it. Still can't have it. I covered it with a big maroon bedspread and told him it was staying. He said he would have to write me a ticket to appear before a judge. I asked when did we move to Russia, I thought this was America, the land of the free. My yard does not look like "Sanford & Son". I have the couch, three stacked lawn chairs and a rolled up garden hose. On the other hand, the alley that faces my house is full of palm fronds, trash, old mattresses and broken furniture. What's wrong with this picture? The sad thing is, in the end, the city will win. I don't have the energy or the money to fight the $2,500 A DAY penalty for not moving the couch. It is extremely heavy, but maybe I can drag it into the alley with my truck and leave it with the rest of the neighborhood decorations. THE END

 

[Margm]

They try to keep us clean here, they want the foyer between the apartments to be free of debris.  My neighbors have lawn chairs, grills, and a couple of huge ferns.  I have a welcome mat and that is all.  You certainly have some big fines, impossible to pay, if you don't cooperate.  I know you have lived in the  house for many years and I have heard of people coloring their lawns green. As dry as it is there, looks like conserving water would be the most important.  Brian, a young man at the end, and the woman across the  way have flower pots to put their cigarettes in and Brian's beer cans.  The wind blows between the foyer and blows his beer cans all over the space between our apartments, down the steps, on the grass and I took them and threw them away at first, but now I take them and put them where he has to step over them to get in his door.  I am not going to "rat on him" but hope he gets the hints, when he is sober.  Monday mornings early  it is impossible to sleep in, they are trimming the shrubs, cutting and trimming the grass (and of course with our humidity they don't have to water.

My sister-in-law lives south of Albuquerque and has lived in the city and I loved their bare yards with the rocks and bolder or two.  I certain loved the  "swamp coolers" better than our A/C which leach the humidity from our air.  I remember them living up in the mountains and a modern bathroom with shower that had a brick wall built outside, like a little room, where you were actually hidden taking a shower.  Also learned the showers were mostly for show as they were not to use that much water, in other words, you did not bathe that often.  Conserve water.  In this part of the country people put up sand bags to keep the local lake, bayou or overflowing stream from entering your house.  

Your fines are terrible.  You own your home, yet you really are at the city's whim and $.  I never want to own a home again.  It winds up owning you.  Wish you could get closer to the mountains.  

Wonder if you could put up football turf?  I like Boise State's blue grass.  

Some of the most beautiful country is where you live.  Billy hated taking care of a lawn.  Loved August to come and would not mow that two acres after that.  We had a family of deer that lived in the weeds back near the tree line.  I almost hit one in downtown the other day.  People are taking over their homes, they are moving into ours..  Coyote's roamed in Arkansas.  Billy  loved to blow on his coyote call and we would watch one go from the front of the house to the back where ever he was sounding like a "wounded rabbit."  

I notice in rereading my posts that I am repeating myself more often.  Oh, the joys of age.  

 

[Margm]

Sorry, did not mean to submit a reply in this box, but accidentally hit submit reply.  I'm through with my word salads today.  Gotta take Bri to counselor in the "big city."  

[kayc]

@KarenK  Wow.  Unbelievable.  Seems the government is overreaching in many areas, our Rxs, what we can sit on on our porch, where will it end!  I live in the country but even then the Dept of Forestry still tries to get their licks in.  I get away with a lot more than city folks though.  My son has 30+ tires stored behind our pole barn (tarped), it's not visable from the street and not visable from my driveway/house either, but he'd never get away with that in a city.  Sunday he dropped by (something he never does) to get one of them on his way through from a 40 mile hike.  At least I had a nice, albeit short visit from him!

I sold the Civic, got a good price for it, it'll be needed for my garage/shop/storage roof, which I still haven't gotten a quote on yet.  Drove up to Salem yesterday to sign papers and went to see my grandkids and have dinner with my son's family, was a nice yet quick trip in my new-to-me Volvo.  Love the "turbo" feature for passing quickly!  Could never do what I did yesterday in my Honda.  But I'm going to miss Miss Reliability, best car I ever owned.

 

[KarenK]

The yard is not huge, but big enough that it would cost around $2,000 to gravel landscape it.  I would do it just to get the city off my back if I could. They are big on conserving water here, except when it is to their advantage by collecting more money on water bills. Yes, the fines and the city codes are ridiculous. That is why you can't fight them unless you have a ton of money. It's too bad I have the courage of my convictions, but nothing to back them up with.

It is no wonder I am half crazy! Last night, Tatum goes outside to do her thing. Cat is in yard. Cat sees dog, streaks across yard just as Marley barrels out the front door. Cat streaks back across yard with Marley following. Cat is cornered, tries to jump fence, doesn't make it and lands on Marley biting a hole in her ear and biting or clawing her poor nose which is already raw from the lupus. Marley throws the cat off onto Tatum. Cat bites Tatum. Tatum has tough skin. She's okay. Marley comes in with blood running down her nose and ear. After a cleanup, she's okay too. Marley hates cats. Maybe she'll think twice before chasing another one. It felt like we were part of the Keystone Cops. Thought for a minute we were headed for another emergency vet call when I saw all the blood. Have to laugh to keep from crying. Sure would like a moment's peace.

Last Sunday, my Debbie would have been 54. I wonder if anyone there remembered or put flowers on her grave. Surely her dad would or her kids. I guess I am an outsider to them now.

Just lonely and rambling, I guess. Need to get a few hours sleep.

[KarenK]

Kay, I have storage cabinets, shelves, lawnmower, and yard tools on my back porch. According to the city, you can't even have that visible in the back. You are supposed to have a 6 foot block wall or solid fence. Knock on wood, they don't seem concerned about back yards.

I'm glad you got enough money to get your repairs done. I worry about you alone and struggling. Old age was supposed to be a time for relaxing and enjoyment. What happened to us? I read what you said about Medicare nosing into your medications. They called me every day last week. I didn't answer. Don't know why they would care about my medications because I use Walmart's Humana. Who Knows? I'm sure they would be happier if we old folks would just die off.

[Margm]

I remember when we had paper charts, nothing computerized.  I was the only one working nights.  Nights are the main time we get sick (us elderly people) and I had huge ladders that rolled around.  I was in my late 20's and able to lift and pull.  Sometimes the elderly would have charts that I had to take a buggy to carry them all.  I remember selfishly wishing I did not have to hunt for all those big charts and then one day would come and I would notice they were not coming in every other night, they were transferred to the death files.  Youth has its flaws, especially when you no longer have youth.  

[Gwenivere]

As I sit here on my gazillionth night alone with my TV, I’m realizing it’s not the programming that bothers me, but the repetitive commercials.  Jingles stuck in my head.  Medications, lawyers for injury cases,  jingles, car commercials touting how the couple survived so their story could continue, shows that are supposed to be comedy with happy people.  We never turned the TV on til it was time for a movie or a recorded favorite show and we could fast forward thru them.  I miss reading a book waiting til Steve got here for TV time.  Not having a tablet to keep me entertained and pass the time.  I can’t believe how much time I have poured into this thing in games.  I’ve watched so many movies he’ll never see.  Shows he never got to see the finales for.  No one to talk to about if something was great, thought provoking or sucked. Another night that cleaning up for what I call dinner seemed harder that the rinsing a dish used for carry out or a frozen dinner tray.  Unlike the pots, pans and counters.  So tired of food shopping and passing up so many things we would have enjoyed sharing.  Watching other families buy stuff they will cook and eat together.  Soon it will be time for when we relaxed with some wine.  

Loneliness, the gift that keeps on giving.  I wish he’d just come home where he belongs.  

[KarenK]

Gwen,

I hear you loud and clear. 99% of the commercials are so stupid, they actually deter my interest in the product. Mostly, I just ignore them. I watch a LOT of TV, the ID channel, HGTV,  Nat Geo, and Animal Planet. Was never into soaps. I lived in one. Enjoy watching the new mini-series "Yellowstone". My man, Kevin Costner, plus filmed near Ennis, Mt., another place I'd love to live. If Ron were here, it would mainly be Westerns which I like, but not 24/7.

Before the guys moved here, Stouffers and take out were my best friends. Now I fix real meals for all of us, but we never eat together. They get their food and head back to their part of the house. I eat in the family room with the dogs as companions, as they know I will always give them the last couple of bites.

It is not the same kind of loneliness that you live, but a loneliness nonetheless. Kind of an "only have a conversation if it's absolutely necessary" loneliness. Does that make sense?  I know they love me, but it seems we are on different planets.  Oh, well...........

My doctor wants me to come in for another appointment. I have COPD,  low potassium,  and blood in my urine, none of which is new. I don't want to see a urologist and I'm not sure I want to know if there is something seriously wrong. I've had my fill of suffering, hospitals, and death. Not ready to leave this earth, but not sure I'd be missed.

[kayc]

23 hours ago, KarenK said:

I'm glad you got enough money to get your repairs done.

That's just it, I don't.  I tackle this day by day, constantly re-prioritizing.  This needing a new roof was a total surprise to me, as is the washing machine leaking, the refrigerator needing replaced at 5 1/2 years, the car needing replaced, the new-to-me car needing repairs, my watch needing replaced, the medical expenses, all of this was a shock, every day something new it seems the last six weeks!  I have a house that needs painted, new trim, new flooring.  No one to even help me move furniture out, let alone lay flooring even if there were $ to pay for it.  I see myself tripping over worn out carpet when I'm 80, no one noticing or caring until I'm long dead.  I wonder, will they step over my cold body?

These are the thoughts going through my mind, yet last night a friend offered to come up Monday and take a look at my washer.  He even ordered a water pump for it as he thinks that's what it is...he lives 75 miles away.  It means so much to me that someone would even care enough to try to fix it.  I wish all of the repairmen weren't so far away, and were honest and thorough, but alas the day of the good ones seems to be gone.  Still haven't gotten the bid on the roof yet.

4 hours ago, KarenK said:

Not ready to leave this earth, but not sure I'd be missed.

That is so sad!  But unfortunately it's a thought that I think sometimes too. Maybe it comes from no longer having our partner...who else notices let alone demonstrates their love for us?

[kayc]

5 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Jingles stuck in my head.

I don't watch commercials.  I record pretty much everything I watch so I fast forward through commercials.  Even if I were to watch something live, I'd use that time to go to the bathroom, let the dog/cat in/out, grab something to eat, etc.  People mention commercials and I never know what they're referring to!  The only ones I care to watch are the superbowl ones.  Those I'll look up on line if I miss them.

[kayc]

4 hours ago, KarenK said:

It is not the same kind of loneliness that you live, but a loneliness nonetheless.

You can be alone even living with someone.  Sometimes it can be even MORE lonely as it's like an emphasized loneliness.  I had that with my kids' dad.  23 years of living separate lives together.  My son talks about this and that memories he had with his dad and I realize his dad included him in his life, but not me.  He lived a very different life from me, complete with memories of things they did together.  I was left alone to make my own way.  Amazing...23 years of aloneness.

[Margm]

We know we don't choose when we go, we know that because we are on this forum and we are here for a reason.  I don't know when I will go, but until then, I cling to what Robert Frost said and know also, that only one being knows when that will be, but hope I get to finish my promise.  

[Margm]

6 hours ago, KarenK said:

Before the guys moved here, Stouffers and take out were my best friends. Now I fix real meals for all of us, but we never eat together. They get their food and head back to their part of the house. I eat in the family room with the dogs as companions, as they know I will always give them the last couple of bites.

A bunch of years ago I bought a table, solid oak, unpainted.  It has the big claw feet and I remember I paid $350 for just it back in the 1970's.  We have kept it in the family, but I don't have it, don't want it.  I bought a small two person table and chairs, but my TV is on it.  My dining room is full of boxes.  My son hates eating out of anything but paper plates, you can bend your plate so you get all the food.  Not how I was "brought up."  Food on the table three times a day, sitting at the table (Before TV) and after TV we turned that 17 inch black and white toward the table, still used the table.  Table and chairs bought unpainted from a place that made solid, unpainted table and chairs.  That table was painted so many times, even white one time, red most of the time, but Mama always wanted that new kind of fancy metal and "something" late 1950's dining room set with padded chairs.  She got it finally, and we all sat around it like we did the wooden one that lasted over 20 years.  We tried sitting at the table kind of stuff, but always ate in front of the TV, and that was the disappearance of three daily meals.  

[Gwenivere]

[Gwenivere]

My DVR can be paused on live TV and keep a buffer.  That’s what I usually do so like recorded shows I can FF thru commercials.  Thing is this is background stuff so I would have to run running out here to do if I was in the other room.  Sometimes I forget when I am sitting here I can do that.  Widow Brain.

i couldn’t stand to have anyone in the house I didn’t interact with.  I’ve always been that way.  I find it too disruptive.  

I know what you mean, Karen.  I pass on referrals to more specialists because I just can’t take any more docs and plans for treatments to help me live this lonely life.  I have enough maladies like you I do the minimum for.

Marg, I don’t feel we are left here for a reason.  My reason for being left.  I never looked at my life with a reason, it just existed without my awareness.  A foundation I now know about because it’s crumbled beneath me.  That is why getting up every day is a struggle.  Just a repeat of the ones before with added problems I now have to solve alone.  I’d love to think there was a higher purpose to all this, but it’s just plain empty.  I don’t feel I have something to complete to do of any significance.  Actually never did.  Just liked living with my guy and the variations of stuff that brings. It was a simple fulfilling life.   Steve had the need to make music to be left behind.  I was happy being with him and watching it happen.  His drive kinda filled more than his purpose.  It fulfilled me keeping our home a place we could do so. I miss monotonous things were highlights of the day, like lunch.  Not sure I worded that right, but he was more than enough.

my roommate neighbors are on their deck laughing and then will be off to thier daily adventures.  It’s a tough reminder every day of living and enjoyment of such.

[Margm]

8 hours ago, Marg M said:

because we are on this forum and we are here for a reason.

We are on this forum because it is for grief and we have lost our mate.  The reason we are left alone..........I have no idea.  I guess maybe it might be a chance for me to be a better person and guess that fell right through right away.  But then again, I wanted my sweet grandmother's personality, my other one was okay and that is me.  I'm okay personality-wise, not the best at anything.  Plenty of room for improvement.  The best one was taken.  Only the good die young might be true.  Guess I better leave it at that.  Whatever I say comes from a ditsy head and my brain and heart have not defrosted yet.  

[Gwenivere]

3 hours ago, Marg M said:

We are on this forum because it is for grief and we have lost our mate.  The reason we are left alone..........I have no idea.  Whatever I say comes from a ditsy head and my brain and heart have not defrosted yet.  

I never loooked at it that way, Marg.  Yes, the ditsy head but being heart frozen.  That is so true.  It’s the figuring out why we were left alone we will never know.  These darned brains want answers to everything when at times there is none beyond nature, at least for me as I don’t subscribe to higher plans.  He got cancer, I did not.  I got the anxiety disorder, he did not.  A biological crapshoot.

[Polly]

Definitely going through hell right now. 

My baby girl who is 18 and just graduated from high school was in a bad car accident on July 7. She is still in the hospital. Going through this without Richard is so hard. She is pretty banged up on her left side. Broken femur, broken upper arm, broken hip, tailbone and groin area. She had a rod put in her femur and a plate in her upper arm. In the past almost 2 weeks she tells me she just wants her dad. She has a long ways to go for recovery.