If You're Going Through Hell

[Margm]

Polly, I am so sorry.  You have my heart my friend and my prayers too.  Believe in them or not, 

“More things are wrought by prayer than this world dreams of.”― Alfred Tennyson

Again, my heart is with you.  My granddaughter is 18 also.  

[Polly]

thanks Marg. the police officer and also the tow truck driver both said they don't know how she survived. 

[Gin]

Polly, so very sorry to hear what has happened to your daughter.  It is a miracle she survived.  Of course she wants her dad...and so do you.  These events stress the fact that our loved one is missed so very much.  I wish her the best and hope she heals completely and soon!   Gin

[KarenK]

Oh Polly,

How awful, just awful! I'm so glad she had an angel of sorts on her shoulder, although I'm sure she doesn't feel like it right now. Watching our children suffer is the worst. Sending good vibes that she will soon be healed and pain free.

[Gwenivere]

Polly, so amazing to see the picture of the car!  She may not have her dad, which every daughter wants, but thank god she has you.  Healing will be slow.  The best thing of this horrid event s she will.  My best wishes to you both.  

[Gin]

This is the third birthday I have had without Al.  They used to be so special.  He would write a beautiful poem and make me a card.  Always go somewhere for dinner.  Celebrate with family.   Things sure are different, and I miss him so very much.

[kayc]

Polly, your pictures of the accident are horrific (in the Living with Loss section).  It's a miracle she lived through it!  My heart goes out to Nicole, wanting her dad.  I wish she could have him.  Praying for her, for you too.

[brat#2]

Polly, oh my goodness,  that looks awful and so sorry this happened.  You both are in my thoughts and prayers that she recovers quickly.  Hugs

 

[Margm]

Last cake bought  at deli July 20, 2015.  He would have/he is 78 today. 

[brat#2]

My thoughts are with you today, sending you hugs!

[Margm]

I don't know why, I really do not want to think deep into the subject, but I talk to Billy more when I am driving and looking at the clouds.  I watch the clouds change shapes, I want to find Billy's face, I still talk to him whether I see his face or not. (I never do really see him, but I feel he is there).  I don't have to make sense.  I will be 76 in August, it is okay for me to drift into that world of mystic, magical, imagination.  I will not reach into my brain for a reason.

I've looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down and still somehow
It's cloud's illusions I recall
I really don't know clouds at all  (Both Sides Now, Joni Mitchell)

This morning is hard.  Even after my arithmophobia brain realizes it has been many days over 1000 that he has been gone, I can still conjure up his image, all nearly 6'3" of him.  He is there, but he does not speak and I reach to touch his high cheekbones, and he is gone.

I think today is hard because I know how alone my sister is, (at her own choosing), not many women more beautiful than she was, she won the beauty contest she entered as an older teenager and then realized she was a feminist and that disallowed such foolishness.  She turned down marriage more than once and seems to want to be alone (but, I am her sister, she lets me in her hermit lifestyle.)  We talk more than once a day, usually.  This morning she is probably burying her "Boo," her constant companion cat of many-many years and I feel her grief and mine arises again also.  Grief for all of us.

I want to answer the new grievers and I sprout into one of my word salads their new grieving mind does not really have time for.  And maybe because of Cookie's loss of Olive, my sister's loss of "Boo" then my loss is surfaced again.  Today, doing the most mundane tasks that I have always done by myself, really one person tasks, I did them the whole time I was married, sometimes Billy did them, I came to a place in time where I said "you cannot do this without Billy."  The only difference in that was, I always did these things, they were not significant enough to have to have help, and all of a sudden, I needed Billy to help me.  So, guess what I did?  I took a Xanax.  I don't usually do this for something this stupid, but I felt I needed Billy to help me.  He is not here.  

To the new grievers, I won't put my word salad under your post, (although I may have already), I will just say sometimes the scar tissue is pulled off the wound with something as simple as your sister's fur baby dying.  But, over time, (for me) this does not happen every day.  I won't denigrate the word "good" but some days are easier than others.  My heart is with the new grievers..........and our more experienced ones also.

[Margm]

“If you have ever unloaded your pickup by backing up really fast and slamming on the brakes, you might be a redneck.” ― Jeff Foxworthy

Yesterday was my two girls birthday.  I do not have recent pictures of my granddaughter, at her request (she is in counseling, you know), so I knew of two when they were both about the same age that I was going to use.  I had to bring those  damnable photo albums out.  Could not find the ones I wanted and that song by Barbra Streisand kept going over and over in my mind, on top of everything else..  I've tried to tell you folks I am country through and through, but I think you got that hint a long time ago.  My cousin Anne is our family genealogist and I turned up "family gold" for her Ancestry.com site.   I sent them to her.  Yes, I am so country I remember the folks in the picture.  My mama is the little girl on front row with her sister (one of them) and my "Daddy Wise" has his arms on his girls shoulders.  Back in those days, he  was a horse trader and mule trader and probably some moonshine down in the deep backwoods, and there was nothing but woods until you reached Bayou Bodcau.  

I'm kind of proud of them all.  When the great depression hit, they did not even know about it because they grew and canned their own food. 

I took  a redneck quiz  once and it contradicted my leanings, so I guess I am just country.  (I know this is a sad day for our forum, but a touch of levity cannot hurt).  

[KarenK]

Marg, don't think I'm true redneck, but I'm sure some of that West Virginia boy I lived with all those years rubbed off on me. I am probably just West Texas country. I still remember that letter I found in my mother's things. It was from her oldest brother to their father as he sent home his wages from overseas during WWI telling "Daddy" to use the money to buy chickens. I got a kick out of that.

Today is the day, I lost my Kentucky cowgirl as the lightning flashed and the thunder roared and her hubby said "Honey, your ride is here" and she left in a storm of her own. That night is forever burned in my mind, but I will get through as I have many times before.

Happy Birthday to your two girls.

Love Ya

[Margm]

 

“She made broken look beautiful
and strong look invincible.
She walked with the Universe
on her shoulders and made it
look like a pair of wings.” 
― Ariana Dancu

You and Katie, Tina Turner spreading her son's ashes, I so want to be gone myself, and there are others on our forum who have lost children and I have got to think that is such monumental grief, agony and any added on is just lost to my understanding of life and death.  How could you ever forget that Karen, living is so cruel sometimes.  I, who have so many words, cannot talk anymore.  

 

[kayc]

Karen, you're in my thoughts and prayers also, along with Katie.  Our hearts are all heavy as we grieve together.

[MartyT]

 

3 hours ago, kayc said:

Our hearts are all heavy as we grieve together.

Yes . . . ❤️

[Gwenivere]

I read this morning someone’s posts they are in the hospital and can’t find them now.  They always say to rest in hospitals, but that is hard to do.  

I had to go the to ER Wednesday and an emergency root canal the next day.  These things just keep getting worse every time, having to do them alone.  Wouldn’t have needed Steve att the dentist, but hours in ER (5th time this year), is so hard.  They always ask if there is someone coming or with you.  Being released and coming home to emptiness just adds to it.  The ER staff are great for what they do, but they move on as is thier job.  I habitually bring my cell phone when there is no one to call.  Only for a person I know that has a key to tend to the dogs if I ever was not released.  It feels pathetic that no one really cares about the inside me beyond medical tests.  

I found out Friday that my insurance turned down the back surgery I really didn’t want to do, but having the option was something I could control.  Guess I just get more limited and hope that it doesn’t progress to the point of any treatment being able to help permanent damage which is a definite possibility.  I was also told I would have to quit smoking for 6 weeks before the surgeon would appeal it.  My life is falling apart and they think I could add that?  In the best of times that outdoor be very hard.  My mind is not functioning well from pain and lack of sleep.  I can take just about anything if I have a clear head.  This is the scariest time I have ever experienced.

It’s in the 90’s here.  I feel I am suffocating from it.  I have to take a shower and that will be monumental.  Then I will sit alone again waiting for time to pass.  My dilemma is it does, but nothing changes.  The tediousness of being alone.  All this time we have to fill now.  Dogs are great, but they don’t fill that need for human contact.  Lousy conversationalists too.  I always hear Steve’s voice in my head.  If only it were for real.

[kevin]

My last hospital visit made up my mind to 1/ get closer to a good Hospital, and 2/ get closer to people that care about me......alone in a Hospital is a downer...good luck with the teeth

[kayc]

Katie was in the hospital a couple of nights...she fainted at Allen's funeral and since she's pregnant it made it all the more emergent.  Treated for dehydration. Likely no appetite and cognizance of eating/drinking since he died.

[kayc]

I don't know where to put this so I reckon the title to this thread most aptly describes it...

My sister fell May 10, crushing her vertebrae.  I tried to take her in emergency, she wouldn't let me, nor would they call an ambulance.  It was over a week before she went to the doctor.  They fooled around on her a couple more weeks before getting an x-ray ordered.  Longer yet to read it.  Many weeks went by before they sent her to a specialist.  More fooling around.  now here it is over 13 weeks before someone will do something!  She's scheduled to be at the hospital at 5:30 am today and last night I found out pre-op called her at 3:30 yesterday and told her she needs to come in for tests today before they reschedule surgery.  She told them no, that she's having surgery today, they've had plenty of time to do what they needed to, the hospital talked to her on the phone for two hours yesterday and she's not going through any more nonsense!  They were supposed to call her back, they didn't.  So I find out at 6:15 pm and was fit to be tied!  I told her that's not happening on my watch, I'd call her back.  I called the hospital, they "transferred" me to pre-op, who of course wasn't answering their phone.  They'd gone home for the day to eat their dinner and watch t.v. and hadn't bothered to call her back.  I called the hospital again, beyond upset!  I got the same person and told her my sister is going to the hospital AS SCHEDULED and THEY could shower her, test her, do surgery but by no means were they to let her out of the hospital until she is on the mend!!!  She said Peggy is still on the schedule for surgery and promised they would do everything needed and not let her out until she was ready.  

I can't believe all of these medical professionals have fooled around on her this long!  She's losing her will to live, just wants to die.  I want to take care of her but can't because she won't wear a patch instead of smoking, I cannot be around smoke!  I spent the month of June in so much pain as a result of being around her smoke (it brought on an allergy reaction and then ear infections, which in turn brought on my adverse reactions to the medications that caused so much pain I'd have to rate it a 10 out of 10).  I feel so frustrated.  I didn't sleep last night.  How do you sleep with so much on your mind?  My daughter, my sister, Katie.  Too much.

Anyone who prays, please do so for Peggy today!  She is the sister I'm closest to, the one who lives 10 miles from me, the one I talk to every day.  I'm not ready to lose her, enough is enough!

[MartyT]

I'm so sorry, Kay. Awful, awful, awful.
Of course I will keep your sister Peggy in my prayers ~ and you as well, dear one ❤️

[KarenK]

Kay,

I'm so sorry this has happened to your sister. I hope today's surgery is successful and her healing can begin.

There seems to come an age in our lives where we become dispensable, less important. This is quite evident in the medical profession, possibly because we are worth less money to them now. I won't repeat all the medical errors made with Ron that delayed his cancer treatment, but suffice to say he might have lived longer and in much less pain, had they not been made. Would he have received more meticulous care, had he been 35 instead of 65? I don't know, but it sure seems that way. I'm sure there are so many complaints about this swept under the rug that no more will fit.

Sending good vibes to you and your Peggy today.

[Margm]

I spent 43 years typing clinics, most of my time typing operations, consults, discharge summaries, x-ray reports (all forms), death summaries, and whatever the doctor dictates.  I was not old then but my parents were and I could not believe the width (metaphorically speaking) of the cracks in the floor that the older person falls through.

The cancer that I had as a young woman was a cancer mostly seen in older women so I was sent to a cancer hospital many miles away.  When told about the type of cancer that I had, I was told if I was that older woman then surgery would be performed and in a manner of speaking, "let the chips fall where they may."  In other words, they would just let it spread.  But, in 1982, the newer forms of treatment like my sister had performed in office setting, these were not yet available.  I am still here, but the torture I went through as a young woman, I probably could not go through as an old woman.  

When the colon rupture with sepsis happened, I was thrown naked up on the MRI table more than once, like a side of beef you see pictures of.  No sheets to even cover my head with.  All I could think of as the parade of people came through the room was "you would not do this to your own mother."  

But here I am, and I will get my flu shots, I will take my blood pressure meds and my Xanax, but unless I break a leg, they will keep their hands off me.

As an addendum, I would like to add at the big Arkansas State Hospital I saw a building dedicated for geriatrics.  I think there might be some bigger hospitals dedicating more doctors for this specialty.  When I retired from the Louisiana State Hospital, there were no resident programs for this, but that was 20 years ago.  I think the big hospital I worked at home for in another state, I think it had that specialty.  I looked in the Shreveport physicians and there was one for that specialty, and I don't think you can get an appointment with him for awhile.  I was lucky to have a surgeon, though very arrogant and he did have to undergo anger management, and he did tell me that "You scare me" but I can say nothing but good about him (except he did not have any followup for me), which meant I scared him.  Still, he saved my life, 

I think George has taken much of his own medical management into his own hands, I admire that, but it does not help people like Kay's sister and our friends and relatives, and most of all, the loved ones we have lost, plenty of medical nightmares.

[Gin]

Peggy is in my prayers, as well as you.  Hope the surgery is a success.

[Widowedbysuicide]

🙏