If You're Going Through Hell

[iPraiseHim]

Kayc, praying.  ...  Shalom

[kayc]

Thank you...she came through the surgery, for which I was relieved.  She presented at the hospital at 5:30 am and I didn't get any information until dinnertime!  I kept calling from 9:15 on every couple of hours, no one could tell me anything.  One person would say she's in recovery and another would say no she's still in surgery.    She said she had a team of six doctors working on her but I don't know if I can believe anything she said because she was pretty rummy last night.  She sounded weak but she made it through alive so that is hopeful.  I wish I could come take care of her but she won't stop smoking and wear patches during her recovery so I can't.  I can, however, bring her meals and pick up her laundry and return it to her when done.  She has her husband but he's never run a vacuum, done laundry, and I hope the hospital teaches him how to be of help to her before they cut her lose.  Otherwise she really should go to rehab, which won't let her smoke anyway.  Of course she'd fight against that.  It's so hard to help someone who is bull-headed, but I love her and want to help her however I can. 

[MartyT]

13 hours ago, kayc said:

It's so hard to help someone who is bull-headed, but I love her and want to help her however I can. 

I think we all know someone like that, dear Kay, and I certainly do know the feeling .

You and your sister are in our thoughts and prayers, and we're sending healing wishes her way. ❤️

[kayc]

My sister has been officially diagnosed with dementia.  It's something Polly and I have known for a long time.  She is very confused, very lost.  She got transferred to a rehab center/nursing home yesterday, there is no A/C and she is miserable.  She reminds me of my mom with her dementia.  You can't believe anything she says, she'll change it a few minutes later.  But she's not like herself.  I'm worried this is the beginning of the end for her.  We found out it will take MONTHS for her to be able to walk with the walker by herself, she is to have PT every day.  I'm not sure she's up to the fight.

[MartyT]

I'm so sorry, Kay 

[Margm]

I'm sorry for that Kay.  I only have one sister and I don't want to lose her.  I know this hurts you.  

[A&K]

I’m sorry Kay.  Sending you love and hugs. ♥️

[scba]

I'm sorry to Kay. We are with you

[Widowedbysuicide]

Sorry Kay.  If we are only given what we can handle when do we get a break?

[iPraiseHim]

8 hours ago, Widowedbysuicide said:

Sorry Kay.  If we are only given what we can handle when do we get a break?

"Personal Christian viewpoint expressed..."

I heard this familiar phrase but the other part of the phrase is usually not shared.  I have prayed many times, " Lord, help me because I can not handle it.  I need your help, I am weak and You are strong".  And when I do God will "make a way THROUGH the trial" .  God usually doesn't remove the problem but rather grows us and stretches us in ways we don't want or chose ourselves.

Please, Just lean on God and ask Him to show you the way through it. - Shalom

[Widowedbysuicide]

Thank you George.  I always learn something from you.  

I think the stretching is the pain filled part..  I could use a little more patience some days too.

💓 Hugs to you

[kayc]

On 8/5/2018 at 9:11 AM, Widowedbysuicide said:

Sorry Kay.  If we are only given what we can handle when do we get a break?

That verse is quite often misquoted and misunderstood...that's not exactly what if says!  To anyone who has ever said or thought that, please read here:

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/formerlyfundie/christians-say-god-doesnt-give-us-can-handle/

The verse they've butchered is "But God is faithful—He will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you can handle" 1 Corinthians 10:13b  

Not even the same meaning!  If we weren't given more than we can handle, why are there so many suicides?  The truth is, many of us often find ourselves at our limit or pushing the limit!
 

Moving this to anticipatory grief...

I went to visit my sister Peggy yesterday, she has been moved to a rehab center and could be there 3-6 months or even a year!  They had not prepared her for that or if they did mention it, she forgot.  Her dementia has greatly worsened since this fall and subsequent surgery!  I learned yesterday that her heart is not doing well and her blood pressure is out of control.  Not surprising, she's not only been through a lot of trauma, but has not kept her regular medicines down since throwing up the last three months due to the pain medications...she wasn't letting the doctors (or me) know that.  I knew she was at first, but she told me she wasn't anymore...not true.  Her story vacillates continually so it's had to get a straight story from her.  She already had COPD, now she is on oxygen 24/7.  She's very weak.  They had her sitting up 1 1/2 hours and she said she was in excruciating pain the whole time, she felt she couldn't take any more.

Yesterday I learned she is on suicide watch.  She told her doctor she is feeling suicidal.  He told her he is required to report it and will have to tell her husband, so she had a talk with him and me.  Her husband is a gruff sort of person that my family doesn't like because he's so obnoxious.  I know him better than the rest of them do, and love him, he has a good heart buried somewhere in the center of him, I've seen it.  When my dog Lucky was attacked by another dog, and her innards were hanging out, it was Bert that came up and got us, and gently put her in his van, and I rode in the back with her, and drove 60 miles to the ER where she had surgery.  When I was married to my kids' dad and my car broke down (valve problems) an hour away, my husband wouldn't come get me and the kids, but Bert did.  When I had surgery and was back at home and needed stool softener, it was Bert that got some and brought it to me.  When we had a cat that had been attacked and had lost most of it's blood, again, it was Bert that put her down to spare us having to...she never would have made it to the vet over an hour away and we didn't want her to suffer any more.

But I've also seen Bert's other side...more often than not, yelling (he only recently got hearing aids and I've noticed he isn't so loud now), brusque, and often driving people away.  So his response to Peggy made me cry...he told her he understood (her feeling suicidal) and said it's her pain talking.  He said, "We're going to get through this, together."  He's drove the hour down and hour back to see her every day since the surgery, closing his store.

I told Peggy yesterday that I'd already decided if anything happens to her, Bert has a new cribbage partner.  I told her I worry what would happen to him if something happened to her.  I reminded her he doesn't even like to go to BiMart (an hour away) without her!  She said she knew that was true, and she cried, she said I was the only one who had shown any concern for him.  This is what brothers and sisters are for.  We're family.  We have to get through this somehow.

I haven't told the rest of my family about her suicidal feelings.  Polly is way too anxious, Mick is distant, Julie not as close to her.  The rest, I figure if they can't even visit her, they wouldn't be overly affected anyway.  Her friends...they're unaware, if she wants to tell them, she can, right now it can stay with me and Bert.  I figure anyone on this forum doesn't know her name anyway so I feel okay sharing with you guys, my other extended family.

 

[KarenK]

Kay, I'm so sorry to hear all the terrible things that are going on with your sister. As well as her pain talking, it may be some medications causing the suicidal urge. Don't know if she is on antidepressants, but some of them cause that for sure. Plus, I know she's not happy being away from the comfort of her own home. It is a sweet thing your BIL said. Maybe you are one of the few who see his true self. Does she have any pets that can visit to maybe cheer her up? Just a thought.......

A friend of Ron's and mine has a younger sister(early 50's) who has Alzheimer's. She started getting lost whenever she drove anywhere so her family finally confiscated her keys. Her husband has now quit his job to stay home with her. She can't be alone as she goes outside and gets lost in the neighborhood. It is a frightening thing and something I'm sure many of us fear as we get older.

My poor Marley now has a bladder infection. She is on Prednisone for the Lupus for a few weeks which , of course kills the immune system. Can't exactly keep a dog away from bacteria when it has to go outside to do it's business.

Thinking of all of you as we face another day of life's trials on our own.

 

[Margm]

2 hours ago, kayc said:

That verse is quite often misquoted and misunderstood...that's not exactly what if says!  To anyone who has ever said or thought that, please read here:

And Kay, I read that whole article, but what it told me was this "watch your words, when words are all you have to give, be careful what you say."  I think this whole forum is made up of people worried about words that other people say to them, something that does not sit well, something that does not fit, but honestly..........words are all we have.

If any of you lived close enough I would be there to help you, you, you, and you.  Sometimes words are all a person has when people are 1000 miles away.  My friend in the nursing home is 33 miles from me and I did not go see her Saturday.  She was a night wine drinker too many years.  She did get a DUI and family had to take her places.  They did, straight to the nursing home.  (And yes, that is where I would have taken my mother.)  I am a terrible person.  There is a picture somewhere showing how, for a short period of time, Eskimo's would push their elderly they could no  longer take care of off on ice floes.  I guess they would have to push me in a pirogue into the alligator swamps.  As long as I can, I will make my own plans, as I have to make them.  If they have volunteers in the nursing homes like Gwen, then I will have friends that are helpful. 

You know, I have a lot of questions I don't have answers to.  They do not bother me too much because by the time another question comes up,  I have forgot about the other one.  The most harrowing words my family can say to me are "don't you remember?"   Hell no I don't remember, and that little verse underneath is, I am not going  to waste time trying to remember, unless it has to do with life and death and even then, the anxiety will wipe the slate clean.  

One thing on this forum we do, we try to bring words that might in some way show we care because we sure cannot  travel to help that person out.

You all know I have a myriad of family problems.  My daughter called a few minutes ago with fear in her voice.  Her lab work had come back showing abnormalities.  My advice was the doctor's advice, go next week and have it drawn again.......and drink plenty of water.  All she drinks are cokes and I have her a water pitcher in her refrigerator with a filter in it.  My sister has my dad's pride and definitely not my mom's business genes.  Gonna rent a car so I won't have to drive her places. Well, I do have scheduled places I have to go, not at my leisure, but car oil change in the city and my granddaughter's counseling.  If we cannot work around that, something needs fixed.  With  car rental at $55 a day and cigarettes at $65 a carton in Louisiana, something has to give.  And the sad thing is, neither me nor my daughter have shown reluctance in taking her where she needs to go.  I realize she had a car and freedom, but bad choices took that away.  

We learned the meaning of empathy when we had to join this forum and "had to" are two words that fit me perfectly.  I needed the feeling from like minded people.

I am religious, and when I say that  it is with trembling fingers and/or a trembling voice.  I hope my prayers go further than the ceiling.  I do have mustard seed faith, but I honestly do not see any mountains moving.  I have talked to two pastors and I don't remember what either one said or even what they looked like.  Billy could bring my faith back with just a few words.  I don't have Billy, but I was inside the church every time the doors opened until I  got married and went some then too, and often when my kids were young until the "youth minister" came into our life.   Sometimes humans have "feet of clay."

We  have people on this forum that have problems we cannot fix, even if we lived next door.  In the meantime, words are all we have.  And, unfortunately, well meaning "friends" that offer their condolences and their advice, they don't know what to say anymore than I do.  (But, I sure have a lot of words).  

 

[kayc]

Karen, she's been on antidepressants for years but it's never caused her suicidal thoughts.  She has been throwing up her medications anyway so that's not likely it.  she has lost 47 lbs in the last nearly three months!  This whole thing has really taken a toll on her, AND on those of us who love her!

I'm sorry about your dog, very hard. 

 

[Widowedbysuicide]

All I can say is that I am genuinely sorry that there is so much sadness and difficulty in so may of our lives. 🙏

[kayc]

3 hours ago, Marg M said:

And Kay, I read that whole article, but what it told me was this "watch your words, when words are all you have to give, be careful what you say."  I think this whole forum is made up of people worried about words that other people say to them, something that does not sit well, something that does not fit, but honestly..........words are all we have.

If any of you lived close enough I would be there to help you, you, you, and you.  Sometimes words are all a person has when people are 1000 miles away.  My friend in the nursing home is 33 miles from me and I did not go see her Saturday.  She was a night wine drinker too many years.  She did get a DUI and family had to take her places.  They did, straight to the nursing home.  (And yes, that is where I would have taken my mother.)  I am a terrible person.  There is a picture somewhere showing how, for a short period of time, Eskimo's would push their elderly they could no  longer take care of off on ice floes.  I guess they would have to push me in a pirogue into the alligator swamps.  As long as I can, I will make my own plans, as I have to make them.  If they have volunteers in the nursing homes like Gwen, then I will have friends that are helpful. 

You know, I have a lot of questions I don't have answers to.  They do not bother me too much because by the time another question comes up,  I have forgot about the other one.  The most harrowing words my family can say to me are "don't you remember?"   Hell no I don't remember, and that little verse underneath is, I am not going  to waste time trying to remember, unless it has to do with life and death and even then, the anxiety will wipe the slate clean.  

One thing on this forum we do, we try to bring words that might in some way show we care because we sure cannot  travel to help that person out.

You all know I have a myriad of family problems.  My daughter called a few minutes ago with fear in her voice.  Her lab work had come back showing abnormalities.  My advice was the doctor's advice, go next week and have it drawn again.......and drink plenty of water.  All she drinks are cokes and I have her a water pitcher in her refrigerator with a filter in it.  My sister has my dad's pride and definitely not my mom's business genes.  Gonna rent a car so I won't have to drive her places. Well, I do have scheduled places I have to go, not at my leisure, but car oil change in the city and my granddaughter's counseling.  If we cannot work around that, something needs fixed.  With  car rental at $55 a day and cigarettes at $65 a carton in Louisiana, something has to give.  And the sad thing is, neither me nor my daughter have shown reluctance in taking her where she needs to go.  I realize she had a car and freedom, but bad choices took that away.  

We learned the meaning of empathy when we had to join this forum and "had to" are two words that fit me perfectly.  I needed the feeling from like minded people.

I am religious, and when I say that  it is with trembling fingers and/or a trembling voice.  I hope my prayers go further than the ceiling.  I do have mustard seed faith, but I honestly do not see any mountains moving.  I have talked to two pastors and I don't remember what either one said or even what they looked like.  Billy could bring my faith back with just a few words.  I don't have Billy, but I was inside the church every time the doors opened until I  got married and went some then too, and often when my kids were young until the "youth minister" came into our life.   Sometimes humans have "feet of clay."

We  have people on this forum that have problems we cannot fix, even if we lived next door.  In the meantime, words are all we have.  And, unfortunately, well meaning "friends" that offer their condolences and their advice, they don't know what to say anymore than I do.  (But, I sure have a lot of words).  

 

I didn't read the article that way, Marg.  That quote is a misquote at best. None of us need the cliches!   

[Margm]

Well, I guess we were raised on "cliches" in this part of the country.  That like when one door closes, another opens.  They are all semantics and if we take and examine every word we can find fault in all of them.  

https://www.desiringgod.org/interviews/will-god-ever-give-us-more-than-we-can-handle

I'm sorry so many of our members are going through so much.  Words do not help a lot of the problems.  And virtual words means we cannot be there physically,, or we  could do more.

"Just “be” with us.

Sit. Listen. Pass a tissue.

Offer a hug. Be okay with uncomfortable silence.

And yes, you can offer encouraging words, too. Just not those words, please."

And I said I interpreted it as it told me was this "watch your words, when words are all you have to give, be careful what you say"  And, that is what I got out of it.  No cliches.  

[Gwenivere]

Karen, I’m so sorry to hear about Marley.  My elder dog needs to be seen as she has started panting heavily a lot.  Trying to fit that in amid all my medical crisis of late is going to be tough.  If only (I know I go here do many times now because it was so much easier with help) Steve were here to pick up where I can’t easily.  We sure were used to that safety net in times of need.  

[KarenK]

Gwen, so sorry to hear about all the medical stuff you are facing and now your dog. I watch a lot of "Pit Bulls and Parolees" and some of the dogs have trouble breathing due to heartworms, but there is medicine for it that kills the heartworms. Not saying that's what it is, but just made me think of it. This has been an expensive time for us with the dogs. Tatum's injury a few weeks ago cost $748 and have spent around $300 so far with Marley's Lupus and bladder infection and it's ongoing. She will be on some type of medicine for the rest of her life. She's had a few accidents in the house with the bladder thing. When I find them, she just looks up at me with sad eyes like she's apologizing. I know for sure she's not feeling well. I am really fortunate that my son is here to help.

I am getting a new range tomorrow as parts for the old one are non existent so my son cleaned up the old range hood and unloaded and moved the kitchen island and mopped. These are things I could have done fine five years ago, but no more. I was used to doing everything around the house and the yard because Ron was too ill even before the cancer. Now I get out of breath running the vacuum. That is a gift from smoking and COPD which you may know.

[Polly]

Hugs to everyone!!! It seems we are all going through some tough times on top of our grief. 

Nicole came home from the hospital on July 27. I had to take an unpaid leave of absence from work. That is a really scary thing to do when you are the only one that is paying the bills. I had no choice. My daughter needs me and can't really use her whole left side of her body. To see her in the pain she in at times makes me nauseous. There are times that she gets so angry and frustrated. She hates not being independent. I would too. She is my mini-me. 

Then there is the whole situation with the guy I was dating and also my best friend. A week after Nicole's accident, I told him that I needed space. He was very hurt and upset. I feel really bad about that situation. I haven't really talked to him since. I just knew that my main focus had to be my daughter. She has always struggled with the fact that I was seeing him. She hasn't asked me why he hasn't been around. He was there with me the night we got the call about the accident and was there with me at the hospital. I just don't want to upset her and make her feel uncomfortable right now. At the same time...….I really miss him. I have no idea if we will even get back together. I keep holding out hope that we will. 

[Gwenivere]

3 hours ago, KarenK said:

Tatum's injury a few weeks ago cost $748 and have spent around $300 so far with Marley's Lupus and bladder infection and it's ongoing. She will be on some type of medicine for the rest of her life. She's had a few accidents in the house with the bladder thing. When I find them, she just looks up at me with sad eyes like she's apologizing. 

Now I get out of breath running the vacuum. That is a gift from smoking and COPD which you may know.

Our furry kids are family.  There is nothing I wouldn’t scrounge up the money if they needed it.  I’ve pretty much averaged out anything over wellness checks at $500.  My kids don’t ever look appologizing, if anything they point to the other indicating they did it.  🙂

oh yes, I know very much about smoking and COPD.  I have the great fortune of having bronchiectasis which trashes your lungs so getting  a cold like I did has brought me down to a big fight to recover.  Funny thing is, smoking did not cause it.  It certainly doesn’t help, but it’s genetic and kicked in after over 50 years of a very active life.  Vacuuming is a huge challenge now.  I look at the clean linens for the bed and wonder when I can tackle that.  Going to a grocery store today was grueling.  All because I caught a simple cold that mutated into bronchitis.  My lovely side table bling are now a bottle of antibiotics, an O2 monitor and inhaler.  And my cigs of course.  Not very appealing right now, but nicotine is.  I’ve had so many non smokers and docs say those 'oh so simple' words.   Just quit.  It always sounds quirky, but I’ve had to give up so much over the years I don’t want to.  Even in the best of times it would be a very hard thing to do.  These aren’t even close to the best of times.  I remember when Steve and I talked about doing it together.  Be each others devils advocate and cheerleaders.  It always comes back to that.  

[kayc]

17 hours ago, Marg M said:

Well, I guess we were raised on "cliches" in this part of the country.  That like when one door closes, another opens.  They are all semantics and if we take and examine every word we can find fault in all of them.  

I suppose that's true.  Grievers, particularly early in their grief can be very sensitive, I guess that's why we have to be all the more careful what we say to them.  
These articles better describe what I'm meaning...I'm talking about grief cliches, one of which is God does not give us more than we can bear, which has no biblical basis.

http://onlineministries.creighton.edu/CollaborativeMinistry/Grief/avoid-cliches.html

http://www.griefspeaks.com/id9.html

 

[kayc]

The COPD is very hard.  I read in my medical file on line that they labeled me as having it.  They've never told me that, so I called them.  They said Asthma fits under the COPD heading now.  That was news to me.  My Asthma is mild and under control with an inhaler.  I've never needed to use a rescue inhaler.  My sister's COPD is actual COPD, is not under control, you can hear her wheezing through the phone.  They have her on oxygen now.  

I'm sorry to hear some of you are suffering with this.  It can be pretty scary to not get your breath!

[kayc]

Karen,

How is Marley doing?  Did you get your range in successfully?  When my son put in my DIL's new gas range, he had to redo the gas lines, I hope you had no such trouble!

On 8/6/2018 at 2:54 PM, Widowedbysuicide said:

All I can say is that I am genuinely sorry that there is so much sadness and difficulty in so may of our lives. 🙏

That pretty much says it all, thanks, Marita!  I feel like my head is just starting to clear, I've been sleeping two hours/night, too many people on my mind.  Last night I slept a much needed ten hours!

Marg,

Let us know when your daughter finds out something!