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Not sure where to post this, going thru hell always seems appropriate for our day to day existence.  I've been going through car issues lately, the check engine light came on two Sundays in a row and it's been a long convoluted week trying to figure it out, full of stress and definitely not fun!  I've learned more about cars this week than I ever wanted to know.  I'm one of those that just wants to put in gas and go and let the mechanic do the rest...this is one of those things George would have handled with a breeze and I would have rewarded him with goodies from the kitchen.  Missing him...all the time for everything.

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Just wanted to update about my daughter. It has been 2 months since her car accident. She spent 3 weeks in the hospital. When she was released I had to take a leave of absence from work to take care of her without pay. Ended up being out of work for 5 weeks. I went back to work this week. She is slowly getting better. Today she seen the surgeon. He said she could start driving again but still can not go back to work. She is doing good and walks with a cane now. She wants so bad to get another car. I'm shocked that she is not afraid to drive again. 

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Polly, 

I'm glad she doesn't have that fear.  When my sisters had their horrific accident 51 years ago this month, I was 14, almost 15, at a time you're anxious to learn how to drive.  That took care of that.  I took Driver's Ed when I was 16 but it was many years before I faced down my fear to drive on my own, I was well into my 20s.  Seeing my sister a quadriplegic, unable to communicate effectively, her little boy dead, that was enough to scare me off of it.

I can't wait for Nicole to be released to work, to a full life!  I still wish you'd start a Go Fund Me so we could contribute, being out of work that long had to set you way back.  :(  I pray things are going well for you.

I took my sister Peggy a couple of dinners yesterday and she's started smoking again (in the house).  She said she hoped I wasn't disappointed in her.  I told her I'm not disappointed in HER, but I'm disappointed that she's smoking because of what it will mean to her on down the road (going back on oxygen, which in turn means she'll have to go outside to smoke, which means she'll have a greater chance of falling again, trying to navigate the stairs with her walker.  Perhaps she'd do better on them with a cane and holding the rail, but she needs a pocket to put her cigarettes and lighter in to free her hand, maybe I can get her a fanny pack.  I just worry about her so much but over and over again I realize how unable I am to stop her from hurting herself.  :(

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Polly, I am happy you had a job that was good enough to allow you the time off.  I certainly hope your daughter adjusts as well as she seems to have.  And, she seems a brave young woman, so she will bounce back.  Thank you for letting us know her condition as it now stands.  Walking with a cane alone seems like she has made giant strides.  💝

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I think the topic "going through hell" is a good topic.  I don't know if I have ever mentioned this, I wake up every morning thinking Billy is on the other side of me.  In the same identical second I know that he is not.  I cannot say that there is any feeling of any sort.  I know he is not there, not gonna be there, but after 54 years the habit of  thinking he is still there hangs in the air and then my feet hit the floor and my mind comes back to this world.  

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1 hour ago, Marg M said:

 In the same identical second I know that he is not.  I cannot say that there is any feeling of any sort.  I know he is not there, not gonna be there, but after 54 years the habit of  thinking he is still there hangs in the air and then my feet hit the floor and my mind comes back to this world.  

Marg: Another sickening feeling is when I can't wait to tell my husband,  who has been gone 3 years,  something or ask him something, and realize that can't ever happen again.  We always had so much to share.  Miss that so much. 

Sharing your sadness.  Dee

 

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To me it seems almost sadder yet that I've come to the place where I realize so fully that he's gone that the "wanting to tell him something" doesn't hit anymore...I know he's gone.  :(

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Dee, when I moved in here, I became acquaintances with a woman who had married the brother of a child my aunt had fostered for four years.  It was in our tween years and we so missed her when she was gone.  The only time my aunt tried to foster a child.  It hurt too bad to lose her.  My aunt was well off, her home was perfect and Linda had a wonderful life, but they took her away and let a Baptist pastor and his wife adopt her.  Never will understand that.  My aunt was a perfect person, constant Christian, and her husband too.  But, in talking to this woman I found out her father-in-law had been someone Billy's family knew about and it is best not to tell how they knew.  He always looked to me like "Mr. Mole" from the book "The Wind in the Willows."  Of course, I wanted to run tell Billy.  That time I think was the most "missing" part that I wanted to share with him.  You see, I do talk to him all the time.  He has not given me any sign that he hears me.  My mama used to talk and no one would listen, she didn't care.  I think it was part of her mental "makeup" which I won't define, don't understand it enough to define.  But, I find Billy in the clouds.  I just talk to them.  I hate having a plain blue sky, I need my clouds..  I talk to  him when the moon is out too, but somehow that makes me cry.  Just riding down the road, I usually can find the clouds..  Sometimes I feel he is surrounding me with them.  Now I am beginning to sound like Betty White on "The  Golden Girls."  

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Hi Marge,

when I was driving today,  I noticed such big beautiful clouds.  I thought of you and Billy.  I tried to decide if any of the clouds were him.  Then I wondered if Al was another one.  I spoke to them, but neither answered.     Gin

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Gin, to tell you the truth, after 54 years and he said "you are me and I am you" I have taken the prerogative of answering myself for him.  Might be hard to follow the logic, but sometimes when I have some feelings about wanting to argue with someone, I can hear Billy telling me to "you know how they are, you are not going to change them, why waste your time fussing with them?"  Also, I can hear him getting aggravated at me for worrying about something I can do nothing about.  So, I talk, I answer for him.  Works for me.  

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They leave us little gifts like that, Marg.  I often hear Steve saying things that remind me that I don’t need to make things worse because we have options.  The biggest being how we react to what we are presented with on our own now.  I don’t talk to him, but I think about how he would react as I always admired his ability to keep life dimple unlike my predisposition to complicate issues.

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Gin,

That's okay (no answer), just keep on speaking to them.  I don't hear any answers back either, that's why I decided I have to do this journey on faith, faith in George, faith I'll make it, faith we'll be together again someday, I'm thankful that in our time together we had lots of faith in each other and in our love, it gets me by.  I believe he hears me, just because of the physical limitations or maybe the span of proximity, he can't answer, but he tries...like when he sent the pansy growing under my patio, or when I found one growing in a sidewalk, or when I see a rainbow or dragonflies hovering by my house...those things that meant something to us, I believe he sends them to me to know he's there, with me still.  So talk away to the clouds, maybe he hears you...

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8 hours ago, kayc said:

That's okay (no answer), just keep on speaking to them. 

That's true.  I'm afraid if Billy really answered I would definitely need more Xanax.  He and I do okay with just me talking.  Heck, my mom and dad were married 44 years before he passed away and Billy almost does more talking than my daddy got to while inside the house together.  My daughter lived with her "Maw" while she was going to  nursing school and she learned to listen for these three words "Isn't that right Kelli" and for Daddy it was "isn't that right Elvie" and it did make them ignore everything but perk up at "isn't that right" and their names.  My mama talked non-stop whether anyone was there or not.  That is why I prayed "Please Jesus, I don't want her sick or hurting but can't you just strike her mute for a few minutes."  

Now I talk to Jesus and switch over to Billy sometimes and you just know they look at each other and shrug and say "what can you do?"

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16 hours ago, Marg M said:

I'm afraid if Billy really answered I would definitely need more Xanax.  He and I do okay with just me talking. 

:D

 

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Monday after Nicole's therapy we stopped to look at car for her. It was at a local dealership that Richard always bought his new cars from. Richard was friends with the owner since they were little. I haven't been there since Richard died. They had a 2016 Jeep Renegade that just had been traded in. Nicole liked it. Nicole and I have been looking for a car for a awhile. At first she kept showing me cars. Well we live in the middle of no where and you really need something that is 4wd in the winter here. Between myself and my older daughter we convinced Nicole to get something that was 4wd. She said she would like a Jeep Renegade because they are small. Anyway, we looked at this one and thought it was going to be out of her price range because it had low mileage on it. After talking to the salesman he gave a price. It was too good to pass up. So on Tues. after I got home from work we went and picked it up. 

 

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Love that red.  My only other choice in color was waterbug black.  I love black, our truck was black, but my little Toyota Yaris in black looked like it needed waterbug wings, so I chose silver (only other choice), but love red.

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I'm so happy for her and that you got a great deal on it even with low mileage is terrific!  It looks brand new!  

Did you give her the "mom talk" (that 4WD is no substitute for slowing down and is not immune/invincible)...my kids had to hear that plenty as their dad was an Oregon Dept of Transportation manager that lived/breathed/talked safety and that's what I heard at the dinner table for 23 years!  He told me he wanted to teach the kids how to drive "because he wanted them to learn right"...any other time I'd have been annoyed by that remark, but when it came to teaching kids how to drive, that was never my lifelong dream, so I was more than glad to let him!  :)  You've done a good job, Mom, and I hope she enjoys this for many years, or at least until it's paid off!

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I have been telling her she needs to slow down. Although I think she already learned that lesson. She has admitted that she was going too fast when the accident happened. I was happy that she didn't try to deny that fact. The nice thing about this car is that you don't have to switch it to 4wd, it does it by itself. My jeep is the same way. I'm waiting for the mail to get here because I had to order a replacement garage door opener for her. We never found the one that was in her car. I'll have to program it. Just another thing that Richard would have taken care of that now I have to do. I also need to push the 4 wheeler back out of the garage and into the shed. My son in law took it out of the shed to try to get it running but was unsuccessful. 

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What a pretty Jeep! I want one now! My son loves his Jeep. It is 12 years old and has been in tight places my Dodge 4wd wouldn't even think of going. Of course, he's into rock climbing(Moab, Ut.) and scaling mountains on goat trails.  lol  He even had a snorkel installed, just in case he wanted to cross a river. Not too many chances to use that in Az. Hope this is a great, safe ride for her.

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Totally off subject here, but this is how my mind works, I guess. When I get a new appliance , I usually just skim the manual unless I have a problem. I have had my current dishwasher for 10 years now and never paid much attention to all the different buttons, just set it on "normal wash" and be done. It is a fairly expensive one(priced $800 ten years ago). I noticed a "smart wash" on it(after 10 years, come on) which I could have used a zillion times before. Less water and energy which would have been fine as I always scrub and rinse the dishes before putting them in the dishwasher anyway. Technology be damned. I wonder how many other new things my senile old brain has missed!

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Karen, you're not alone, my dishwasher is 41 years old and I always use the same old wash, have never tried the other settings.  Same on my washing machine, I've only used two of the four cycles.  I'm definitely a person in a rut!

Polly, I just remember my kids' dad saying he found more jeeps rolled over than any other vehicle on the mountain, he thought it was because they were top heavy (taller) but I don't know if that's true or if it's drivers thinking they're invincible, I'm sure the Jeep manufacturers have studied it and made changes if necessary, that was 20+ years ago.  I just know you can't drum it into kids enough, but both of my kids had their token accident when you, then they learn.  You always just hope that token accident won't be too harsh, I'm so glad Nicole is recovering well from it, I know she's had a hard road.  :(  So has mom.

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I think we are creatures of habit, Karen.  My DW has tons of settings.  I stopped using the drying option as I found the wash was so hot the were dry when they cooled off enough to be put away.  I am trying to use light wash now as I run it so little as always rinse stuff first.  When there was 2 of us, it was a weekly occurrence.  Now I always have room for the dog bowls which I never did.  The thing is all these little changes tug at my heart.  Reminders.  Seems everything new I find to do goes back to him being gone.  I’ve found nifty new ways to do various things and wish I could tell or show him.  I’m definitely a glass half empty person now.  

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I don't know where to put this mini-rant, and it doesn't really require a whole new post of its own.  Oh well.  If it doesn't belong here, forgive me and overlook it.

Today was the day from hell (aside from watching Mark take his last breath, that is).

Today I was signed up to attend a periodic widow's group with a trained counselor and a chance to walk a labyrinth and reflect on how you've changed.  Apparently it's been taking place twice a year since 2016, so I decided to sign up and go.  Unfortunately, when I walked in, one of my former clients (I am a mental health case manager) was there, recognized me and greeted me loudly, referring to himself as one of my former clients so that others at the table couldn't help hearing it.  Awkward...  😖  He had to go there, didn't he.  Of all people, of all places.  Bloody hell!   I was so uncomfortable at this breach of boundaries and the prospect of having to share my loss in his presence, that I ended up explaining to the facilitator/counselor why I was leaving abruptly.  She agreed it was awkward in the extreme and understandable.

I am PISSED because it took me a lot of effort just to convince myself to go.  I almost didn't go.  I took the risk and it blew up in my face. 

Then to make matters worse, what was in the mail when I came home?  A postcard advertisement for cremation services, addressed to Mark.  I just got done scattering his ashes last week.  Brilliant timing.  If I wrote a screenplay about my life, no one would ever believe it's real.  It feels like the Universe is telling me there's no use in trying to feel better about anything.  Who needs this?

 

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Truly you have had one of those terrible, horrible, no good, very bad days, my friend, and I am so sorry! Nobody needs this, and you certainly do not deserve any of it. Feel free to rant. You've earned it ~ and this is a very safe place for you to do so ;)

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