If You're Going Through Hell

[Cookie]

On 12/31/2018 at 5:02 PM, Gin said:

I went to the health club today and overheard a conversation that really upset me.  A woman was relating to another woman how hard it was dealing with her husband, who had an eye problem.  She had to drive him everywhere, do a lot for him, etc.. All I could think was how much I would give to be able to do all those things for Al again.  He was not a complainer and tried to do as much as possible right to the end.  I never felt it was a burden helping him.  Sure wish I could be with him again.

That's the tragedy of what that person doesn't know....how much more horrible it would be if he wasn't there at all.  But, when John was sick I never felt annoyed at having to help him.  I got tired, of course, and distressed at his sickness, but didn't feel like it was a personal bother to help him. We always helped each other over the years. I guiltily remember thinking and praying that the universe would let me keep him here even as sick as he was....I would have him back on any terms, but I know he is better off not living that hell....

[mlg]

Oh, how I can relate.  Several of us ( a lot that became widows about the same time) went to the Shawnee Wine Trail for a girl's weekend.  One lady's husband decided to go visit his sister in Tx since she was going to be gone.  She was so angry at this and I said why didn't you go with him then. She said because she really didn't want to. She kept going on and on and I finally yelled, "just be glad you've got him to be mad at".  Then I shut my mouth and thought , what have I done?  I apologized and she said it was ok.  Two or three years later her husband died suddenly and she came up later and said, Now I get it"  The thing is until you've gone through this you really have no clue.  I guess if you didn't have a good relationship it would be different and maybe you'd be glad to be out of the relationship but I don't think that is it with most of the  people on here.

 

[kayc]

8 hours ago, mlg said:

I guess if you didn't have a good relationship it would be different and maybe you'd be glad to be out of the relationship but I don't think that is it with most of the  people on here.

You're right.  We're looking from our perspective, we love and miss our spouse and would do anything for them...if only we could have them back!  But some people don't have that same relationship and they're bellyaching about stupid stuff, we have to remember they are dealing with a very different relationship than what we have known. 

[scba]

6 hours ago, kayc said:

But some people don't have that same relationship and they're bellyaching about stupid stuff, we have to remember they are dealing with a very different relationship than what we have known. 

I struggle to listen and care about my friend's relationships, I'm failing at that. Unless it is a very serious/dangerous situation, I'm not interested in their current affairs. I generally nod at each comment and I feel very bad because I'm not interested. All I can think of is what I am missing. It hasn't change. 

[scba]

16 hours ago, Cookie said:

 I guiltily remember thinking and praying that the universe would let me keep him here even as sick as he was....I would have him back on any terms, but I know he is better off not living that hell....

I understand you. When my boyfriend was dying I asked God to take everything away from me, but not him. I swear I included everything and everyone in my plea. I was kneeling in the hospital aisle alone. I will never forget that moment. Cannot be erased because I would do anything to have him back even if it means to loose him again on sickness. I would kneel down once more and ask God the same.

Because I cannot believe he can be fine and be better wherever he is now, if it is without me. I can't conceive it. 

[Gwenivere]

I don’t know where or even if Steve still exists.  All I know for sure is he is free of that body that caused him inhumane mental and physical suffering.  Also, when he was alive, we were never better off without each other.

[Kieron]

Today at work, it was a day from hell (aside from the temperature out there!).  I miss being able to come home to someone that can listen and help me laugh off the stupid stuff I saw and heard, and help me to not take it seriously.  My boss doesn't want to hear about it, my friends wouldn't "get it" and telling it to the cat isn't the same.  Mark would just say, "Oh well, I love you anyway" and that would be enough to brush away any lingering "stuff" from the day I had just had.

[kevin]

Talk about the weather.......-39 with the Wind this morning, unbelievably refreshing......Super Bowl plans to be a bit muted....I respect weather conditions more and more over the years....Adding some more gas line anti freeze ....This cold will be with us up here for two weeks..Hope all is well for my Southern friends...

[Margm]

1 hour ago, kevin said:

Hope all is well for my Southern friends...

In north Louisiana the sun is shining.  It is 68 degrees.  Supposed to get down one day this week with high of 42 and low of 35.  Possible rain three days, but highs of 75.  This picture below is my grandparent's country store, probably in early 1950's.  My southern cousin, two sons, both doctors that married Yankee's.  She and her husband had a house built right off of Lake Michigan.  Have lots of pictures taken from the windows of her house with temperature of -3 degrees.  She has adapted so she can watch her grandchildren grow up.  I'm proud of her.  She loved the south.  Her home, when she was teaching college English, was an old antebellum plantation home she had built to look like the real thing.  It was beautiful.  Know she added extra insulation to the  Grand Haven, Michigan home.  I know it is beautiful where you live Kevin, but this little fat woman would still not have enough body insulation for y'all's temperatures.  When we lived 175 miles north of here we had snow at least once a year.  Lots of snow ice cream put in the freezer.  Billy's favorite.  I look at the pictures of my cousins mounds of white snow covering everything with so much ice cream snow, but that notion has flown away with Billy.

I'm glad you are enjoying your move and being Canadian, you know how to keep warm.  I saw where a U of Iowa student froze to death and my first thought was, must have been from Louisiana.  We seldom have snow, and that is actually the only picture with snow I could find from Louisiana.  Long, long time ago.  

Bless you all this Sunday and I hope Gin gets to come out of the house if the weather lets up.  My cousin's son is a doctor in Chicago and it sounds rough.  Maybe some of you will get to notice the daffodils, tulip trees, fluorescent green new leaves, I pray so.  

[kayc]

Kevin, I don't know how you do it, you must be one hearty man!  I've been out shoveling snow and now have more piling up to do it again...snow predicted for the next foreseeable future, my plans to go to the tax person Wed. cancelled.  I'd be enjoying this time in if it weren't for having been home sick for so long already!  Ahh well, it's beautiful.

[kevin]

KayC.......I think the weather Vortex or whatever they call it has peaked/worst is over...My friends from my old Town are getting pretty cool days as of late.....How much snow around your area and is this a normal year?

[Gwenivere]

We are almost 15 degrees below normal for this time of year.  Snow is definitely not something we experience in February.  Dec/Jan are when we get hit if we do.  Instead we were over normal highs for those months.   And there’s still climate change deniers out there.  It hasn’t been 'normal' for 3 years now.

[kayc]

This is like last year, we had a nice January and horrible February.  Nothing is normal if you compare to years ago.  What is weird is day after day after day of snow and no variation.  I see no end in sight!  In past years we did have more variation than this.

I know I can't complain compared to Canada or East coast or midwest, but gosh I'll be glad when it changes!

[kevin]

Snow accumulations this time of the year....particularly in the mountains, can bring another spring of high water/flooding...The only benefit of biting cold is absence of snow...On that note ,two trucks at neighbors working on frozen water lines........I'm assisting friends  frozen battery I think, broke piece of plastic already, everything is so brittle......Grandson's birthday on the weekend, it was -47 in Fort McMurray last week.....He was proud and boasted about no school for two days.....Stay warm and healthy

[kayc]

I can't imagine nor ever want to experience that kind of cold.

I'm kind of scared right now, they're predicting snow every day from here out, and 18 1/2" through Sunday, I can't shovel that much that fast.  Looks like I'll be snowed in for the duration.

[Cookie]

On 1/31/2019 at 3:57 PM, scba said:

I understand you. When my boyfriend was dying I asked God to take everything away from me, but not him. I swear I included everything and everyone in my plea. I was kneeling in the hospital aisle alone. I will never forget that moment. Cannot be erased because I would do anything to have him back even if it means to loose him again on sickness. I would kneel down once more and ask God the same.

Because I cannot believe he can be fine and be better wherever he is now, if it is without me. I can't conceive it. 

scba:  Thanks for sharing that....makes me feel not so alone in my thinking.  I also feel like he can't possibly be better off, although, that is what everyone says and then I feel guilty for not agreeing with that; and, if I think he might be better off, I feel terrible thinking that he could be better off without me!  No-win situation....hugs, Cookie

[Cookie]

On 1/31/2019 at 3:32 PM, scba said:

I struggle to listen and care about my friend's relationships, I'm failing at that. Unless it is a very serious/dangerous situation, I'm not interested in their current affairs. I generally nod at each comment and I feel very bad because I'm not interested. All I can think of is what I am missing. It hasn't change. 

I'm exactly the same.  My problem is I'm tired of hearing about about joyful life is for others who have their husbands to travel with, grandkids to play with, etc.  After 3 and 1/2 years, it still only makes me sad and feeling alone.  I wish I could derive joy from someone's else's.  Hate admitting it.  I just miss him so much all the time and it feels like I'm doomed to a life of feeling left out and alone, lonely.....

[Gin]

I feel the same.  Such a lonely life.  I try to do things, but that is not the answer.  There is no answer.  Remembering the good times just makes me sadder...they are forever gone.

[Gwenivere]

I just look at it as they are better off physically because of illness.  Then I can stay focused on nature and not think or wonder how he feels if he still exists in some way.  Hard to put into words.  All I know for sure is my life was the best ever and now it is hell without him in it.  You’re now alone, Cookie in that feeling.  We have a storm coming and the Direct TV is pretty much out.  He would Move cables around so we could have some entertainment on the big screen TV.  I miss him for being the savior in adventures.   I’ll never stop missing his presence and am growing increasing weary of hearing of others that are still rolling along together.  People don’t get that I’m still in love and it grows stronger every day.  But I can’t give it to him anymore.  One of my counselors didn’t know that.  He thought I was missing only what I had.  I’m missing all the time lost of sharing my heart with him.  I’m missing him seeing the snow fall tonight.  I’m missing us being trapped together.  I’m missing the usual.....facing the new challenges of age and stil discovering more love.

 

  

[kayc]

15 hours ago, Gin said:

I feel the same.  Such a lonely life.  I try to do things, but that is not the answer.  There is no answer.  Remembering the good times just makes me sadder...they are forever gone.

I am really struggling this month.  I can't even get out and do things...first it was being down sick for two weeks and now it's the snow.  No sign of the county plows.  I shovel, break, shovel, break, etc.  My hands hurt, back hurts, it's exhausting and it's a losing battle.  Up to 4 ft through Tuesday?  How does one keep up with that much snowfall?

6 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

We have a storm coming and the Direct TV is pretty much out.

Dish too.  Internet will go soon as it's also satellite.  It's precarious trying to brush either off and I'm afraid of falling.  That's all I need!

My sweet dog keeps me going.  He's 11, Lord what would I do without him!

On 1/31/2019 at 12:57 PM, scba said:

Because I cannot believe he can be fine and be better wherever he is now, if it is without me.

I think that "better off" part isn't because they're without us but because they're not suffering physically, no more pain, struggles.  I think their perspective is broadened also, and since there's no more "time" they don't look at the wait like we do, minute by minute slowly going by.  They can see what is ahead for us when we join them!  So I don't think they suffer in quite the same way we do.

[widow'15]

19 hours ago, Gin said:

I feel the same.  Such a lonely life.  I try to do things, but that is not the answer.  There is no answer.  Remembering the good times just makes me sadder...they are forever gone.

Gin:  Yes, it is a lonely life and sometimes it is so hard not to be envious of others who still have their husbands or have gone on without their husbands and found another "friend".  I have a dear neighbor who lost her husband shortly after I lost mine.  She met a widower in her support group and they have become constant companions now for the past two years.  I am truly happy for her, but wonder sometimes how could someone who was married almost 50 years replace that ?  Am I envious or what?  Sometimes I think this loneliness has made me crazy in my head.  Dee   

[Margm]

Dee, my friend's first husband passed in the early 2000's.  She did not cry for six months.  Then she got terribly angry for him leaving her with his sick mother and hers.  (He had cancer).  Two years later she remarried.  After about 15 years he has passed and her grief is so confused.  She is grieving first husband on top of grief of this one.  I won't try to sort it out.

[kayc]

20 hours ago, widow'15 said:

I have a dear neighbor who lost her husband shortly after I lost mine.  She met a widower in her support group and they have become constant companions now for the past two years.  I am truly happy for her, but wonder sometimes how could someone who was married almost 50 years replace that ?

They don't replace that.  There's no replacement for your soul mate, best friend.  But if she can find someone to be a companion, someone she can do things with, talk to, more power to her!  I'm sure she'd trade it all in a heartbeat to have her husband back.  And of course you have to remember that not all marriages are the same...neither are all losses equal.  I have a friend who is happier since her husband died because he was a drunk who beat her.  And there's every degree in between.  I hate to say it, but I was married to my kids' dad for 23 years and if I'd lost him it would not be the same exact loss as losing George was...we were family, I cared about him, but we lacked intimacy, he didn't do "emotion" and never let me in, not in all those years, how could that loss be anything similar to what I had with George?  I was darned lucky to find him, many never have that no matter how long they're married.

[kayc]

15 hours ago, Marg M said:

She is grieving first husband on top of grief of this one.  I won't try to sort it out.

It sounds like maybe she didn't grieve her first husband before remarrying the second one, and the second one's death brought up the first one's and now she has both to deal with.  Very hard.  It'll take a therapist to help her sort it out and grieve each one individually.  

[kevin]

Gwen I see the west coast is getting some unseasonable weather.......the coldest I have ever been was early January 1970 on West Coast ......In those days they were claiming next Ice age was coming....West coast (humidity) is the toughest of all Chills.....Read some of the Ferry's were cancelled.....