If You're Going Through Hell

[kayc]

Karen,

Try not to worry about how it looks, the main thing is your comfort.  I have 15 teeth +1 fake one left, all have crowns but two and one of them has a restoration.  I have poured thousands of dollars into my teeth, I'm pretty sure I bought my old dentist a home in Hawaii!  I too have taken impeccable care of them and they too have not returned the favor, bad genes I guess.  Both my parents wore dentures in their 20s, so has one sister.  My other siblings and I have poured a fortune into our teeth...sometimes I wonder if I shouldn't have done the same as my parents, it sure would have cost a lot less!  I never minded the time in the chair, I can fall asleep during a root canal, actually enjoy it but not the price...I once told my dentist it feels like a massage you get someplace that never gets touched!  He always said I was his favorite patient to work on.  I grew up with this dental family so they're like visiting family/friends, I just wish it was for a different reason/activity!  LOL

It can take a couple of weeks for the swelling to recede and pain to diminish, eat soft stuff and be gentle with yourself, that's a lot of trauma!

The highway reopened last night but my sister canceled our get together Friday anyway.  They have been working very hard on the hwy and will continue to do so for a very long time.  It's nice not to be cut off from the world!  Will consider braving it...

[Margm]

I am fooling around trying to keep from doing my taxes myself, but I'm going to do it, even with arithmophobia.  I have a real hate/fear of numbers.  If I take it to H&R Block they will take half my refund.  I have many people in my family that are needy, me being one of them, but I've got to do it.  I  have TurboTax, nothing really to take off, it is just n-u-m-b-e-r-s 🤬 😈🤢.  I came across a talk, transcript, (while I am procrastinating), and I listened to her.  She is young.  What she is saying does not apply to me and it made me angry that she could be so blase about it, but she has walked through the fire, and I will not judge if her bare feet are still on the coals.  She is making jokes.  I did not listen.  I read some of the transcript and I know Marty probably knows her, maybe has recommended her to some, but maybe facing the IRS and comedy routine (not a bad routine), just angered me.  Enough to go back to the taxes.  For you young people, reading or listening to Nora McInerny might be helpful.  Guess you have to have an open mind, feel like you are part of what she is talking about, or just plain something.  I don't usually get perturbed with people trying to help, and honestly, maybe the reason it bothers me is I am so damn old.  I like being flippant, joking, but she is doing this from walking through the flames, finding a new life totally, and I'm not a part of what she is discussing.  But some of you might really be, it might help some of you.  Not me.  My mind is like that old tree that once had a part of it stripped away but is growing back, even with the open chasm still there. 

 

[kayc]

Wish you luck on your taxes, yuck!  I'm always glad when they're over for another year.

[Margm]

I lied.  By 4:00 pm I was so confused I took it to H&R Block who has done it every year and were through with it in 15-20 minutes.  I'm not even going to try.

 

[kayc]

And that's okay.  I did my own taxes until last year when Liberty wasn't handling the energy credit right I decided it's time to get a tax preparer.  Sometimes it's just easier!

[Gwenivere]

I thought H and R Block had a service fee.  It can’t be legal to take half someone’s refund, can it?  My CPA charges a fee by complexity Nd it doesn’t matt r if I have to pay or get a refund.  I gave up doing taxes in my 20’s when all I h ad was my job income.  

[Margm]

Yes, they charge a fee but another Xanax and I would still be asleep.  The fee was less than usual.  In fact, TurboTax charges a three number fee if you ask to talk to a real person.  At the point I was distressed to, I would have given them the whole refund.  My family has offered to do it for me, but I will just take it to them every time.  People were talking about Trump's making us get less, but he actually made me get more.  I'm sorry, do not want to talk about politics and lunatics and I fit the latter.  I was just so glad to get rid of it.  Numbers actually make me physically angry.  I'm satisfied.  Probably could have got it cheaper somewhere else, but maybe every time you use them it gets cheaper cause it was this time. I tried putting a savings back, but by the end of the month one of the people needs it.  This is going to help me move to the W/D apartment.  My sister already needs it for the plumbing in her house, but I am going to be selfish.

[Gwenivere]

Good for you, Marg!  The being selfish for a change.  You do so much for your family, you need something for you too.  I won’t even tell you what our CPA charges because you’d need another Xanax.  🧐

i know what you mean about numbers.  I do not like talking with our financial advisor.  I’ve told him don’t even bother explaining all the investments he and Steve created.  Just tell me I’m OK or not.  I can’t comprehend large amounts.  I’m the click your heals in delight when something goes on sale 3 for 5 bucks kind of person.  They send me papers to sign to move things around and I do without reading them.  I just ask his assistant what it’s about as she knows I hate the details.  Plus I get statements in the mail, look at the values and call it good enough.  I trimmed a lot of little things when Steve left.  His phone, the Direct TV in his office, changed our package with them as I didn’t need the news stations that came with sports ones no one watched.  Those don’t bother me.  It will be closing our PO Box that will be hard.  So many memories of harassing him about all his music orders.  Now I get what rare things I order to the house.  My latest?  No joke.......a toilet seat cushion because it’s hard to stand up from normal ones now.   Too low.  The nursing home has elevated ones in their bathrooms and railings.  Seems like yesterday I was about 50 and going strong.  A toilet seat pillow?  Gads.  What happened to adding to. my fairy collection with nifty stuff?  I bought a cane too.  At least it’s pink!

[Margm]

Did I tell you I bought a cane too.  It is a folding one and I don't remember where I  put it.  I have plans.  God always laughs at me when I have plans.  💗💖💖

[kayc]

You guys are too funny...and I doubt you meant to be, but I've never heard of a toilet seat cushion, sounds good if you spend much time there.  

My tax person also charges three digits, but it's worth it to me to have it done right and not worry about it.  And I'm a NUMBERS person!  The pastor turned in about 15 reimbursement forms yesterday, took me quite a while to get through them, had to print a report first to make sure there were funds in each code to cover it...find another place to post it if there wasn't.  I was methodically going through each entry, patiently, and it reminded me of how my son has to do mechanics...maybe we have more in common than I thought!

[MartyT]

1 minute ago, kayc said:

it reminded me of how my son has to do mechanics...maybe we have more in common than I thought!

I don't doubt that for a minute, Kay! 

[TomPB]

Had no problem doing my taxes with TurboTax, tho had a twinge over status of "single". Don't believe that in my heart. I'd never donated stock before like I did to the AUTM foundation for Susan's scholarships and I feared there wd be questions I could not answer, but I had all the info and it was easy. Yes, good to have it done.

[Margm]

Tom, my Billy's mind was wired with numbers, mine with words.  I will not even attempt next year.  Will take directly to H&R Block.  I am not wired for numbers, but I will tell you one thing, numbers sure get me wired.

[TomPB]

On 4/16/2019 at 3:21 PM, Marg M said:

Tom, my Billy's mind was wired with numbers, mine with words.  I will not even attempt next year.  Will take directly to H&R Block.  I am not wired for numbers, but I will tell you one thing, numbers sure get me wired.

LOL. It went easy this year. Hardest thing was reading numbers off the forms to enter them & thinking about how Susan used to read them to me.

[Gin]

These last few days have been so hard AGAIN.   I go to church and miss so much going with Al.  Went out to celebrate my grandsons graduation and miss Al being there.  Go to the health club  and remember the many years we went together.   I guess it never ends.  Gin

[kayc]

It doesn't, but as the years go by you get more used to it, it takes a very long time though.  Still can't say as I like it!  I swear I miss him MORE as the years go by!  But I'm definitely used to being alone, it's just not my preference.

[Gwenivere]

I remember when I joined here and you talked about all the years your George has been gone and I got very scared of I could handle that, Kay.  I’ll always be 5 years behind you but I now see that I was projecting (remember, I didn’t know you at all at the time) that I could never continue and do the things you were doing.  Now I understand what you meant.  We all know we can do or find solutions, we were just always in team mode.  We’re all capable people.  I guess I am used to being alone.  There are times I want to call to him for help on something.  And yes, this isn’t my preference.  He should be here frustrated that another thing has broken and needs repair.  Or BBQ'ing so I get a good meal and night off.  He should brush the dogs again.  Help me fold huge bed linens.  Unload heavy groceries, haul the trash and recycle to the street and on and on.  But we do it AND love them more as the time passes.  I didn’t know I could love him more but the past 4+ years has proven me wrong.  That would have happened anyway, just wish I could tell him.  

There is a couple in Blue Bloods that one would say I love you, the 2nd would say I love you more and the 1st would end with I love you most.  I did that all the time to get the last line.  

[Margm]

Gwen, I have told the story time and time again that Billy's family never said "I love you."  I was hugged a lot and I knew my family all around me loved me because my Daddy Wise said I was as cute as a speckled pup.  My mammaw said she just got "so hungry to see me" so I took all that love for granted.  Billy saw it and he would not let us leave the house without telling him we loved him.  Before cell phones I would get 10 miles down the road and turn around and come back because he actually got his feelings hurt.  (Was so glad for cell phones).  We never left going anywhere without "I love you" all the way around.  Right before he left, talking to his sister in NM, I heard them both say "I love you."  And it was totally criminal I was not holding him when he had to go.  Okay, I will put that memory back in that little door and shut it.  I tell him every day I love him still.  It meant something to him.  But, I was not going to let him leave.

 

[kayc]

Gwen, I relate to everything you wrote!

[JTP]

Gwen you are so right - HE SHOULD BE HERE. I struggle so much with people's perception and their level of support/acknowledgement based on their perception. Bob's death has devastated me - it broke my heart and just when I think he can't break any more - it does. Every morning - every night and lots and lots of moments in between. However - his death did not leave me an imbecile. I can pay the bills, I can take out the garbage, I can walk the dog, I can look after the hot tub (look after it - not go in it), I even cut the boards and finished the step to my clothesline that he was working on - I can do what needs to be done BUT MY HEART IS STILL BROKEN. I still cry day and night. I still look for him every where. I still let myself live in la la land and believe he is just gone away and will be back someday BUT I AM NOT OVER "IT". 

I told my counsellor, I have two worlds - the practical world where I have to do things and my grief world and one has nothing to do with the other YET the outside world only wants to see my practical world. They only want to see that I take out the garbage NOT that I cry myself to sleep every night, NOT that I wake up every morning crying, looking at his picture, hearing his voice saying "mornin" gorgeous - love you". So based on their perception I am OK - I don't need support (or as much as i did) and I want to yell and scream - I do need you to come and talk to me, I do need you to to talk to me about Bob, I do need to know that Bob mattered to everyone (I know he did but I need to hear it from you). 

I know that everyone has their own life to go back to. I know this and I know they cannot be with me as much as I need them to be. I am just hitting a really rough patch where I feel I need more than the world can give

[kayc]

32 minutes ago, JTP said:

I want to yell and scream - I do need you to come and talk to me, I do need you to to talk to me about Bob, I do need to know that Bob mattered to everyone (I know he did but I need to hear it from you). 

My mom told me she so appreciated that I would talk about Daddy with her.  She said everyone else seemed to have forgotten him.  She liked talking about him.  She was widowed 32 years.

[JTP]

People often say they do not mention our loved one because "they don't want to remind us", they don't want "to upset us" - do they really think we have forgotten for one minute. why can they not understand it hurts more when we feel that we are the only ones remembering. I will always have Bob with me - I will always want to "keep him alive". I read somewhere that it is not death that kills us, it is being forgotten. 

[Gwenivere]

I’m so aware how suddenly someone can be taken from us I tell people often that I love them.  Not in some syrupy way, but I get it in there because I want them and I to know it was said the hast time we talked.  Even if it is just signing an email 'love ya'.  

I get torn about talking about Steve.  I certainly don’t want him forgotten, but find often it makes sadder to do so after the conversation and those neurons have been reignited and I am alone.  Talking about him so easily spills out at times and others I hold it in because I know there will be fallout.  I am in pain no matter what.  

They say a person isn’t really dead if they are still talked about. 

[Margm]

On 4/14/2019 at 9:42 PM, Gwenivere said:

because you’d need another Xanax.  🧐

My granddaughter has hypothyroid so bad, has had it since a wee little girl.  If I kept the thermostat low enough for her I would have pneumonia.  Yesterday I bought her a big black standing "quiet" fan.  Because of the drugs her bio-mom took during pregnancy, she has a bad reflex to sounds.  When a baby, she would flail her arms out and scream at loud noises.  In fact, even later on, those self flushing commodes in the movie theaters would scare her.  Anyhow, my hands shake so bad that it took two Xanax to put that fan together.  I should have saved it for her, she loves putting things together.  It serves its purpose.  It is quiet and has its own little "channel changer" where she can put it at all different speeds and oscillates.  She can take it and have it right beside her and her thyroid thermostat can be as cool or warm as she needs.  

I was thinking this morning (that is not good).  Actually, I don't like this word, but sometimes we self flagellate our minds with "What If's" and sometimes you have to just say "That is enough, get back behind that door in my mind and lock that door."  Statistically women live longer  than men.  (I'm sorry fellows, I know you hurt as bad as any of us), but I had been so sick the year before Billy left, I sometimes wonder, if I  had given him a chance to complain, would I have noticed he was very ill?  Men don't complain.  I did, all the time.  Billy had no chance to complain. I had 43 years of training in symptoms.  Why couldn't I have thought his terrible bad breath was a symptom of something besides oral tobacco.  Why couldn't I see the changes in his skin that showed he had a terrible illness.  All I felt was my pain while he had to have had pain.  

[Gwenivere]

Marg, is you niece hyperthyroid?   People that are hypo are usually freezing all the time.  I’m hypo and hot, but from the doc increasing my med for it.  I was cold all the time before they started mucking with it.  I have quitting smoking to thank for that.  If I weren’t in danger of having a stroke or heart attack, I’d quit this quit.  I’ve never felt worse physically and mentally for this 'good' thing I am doing.  And then I wonder why I worry about consequences.  I don’t want to be here anyway.  Darned inate survival we have wired into us.  

Steve’s cancer was silent.  There were a few little things that might have been predictors, but we sure didn’t link them to cancer.  Mostly to just getting older.  Please don’t beat yourself up about missing signs in Billy.  When we are in severe pain is very consuming.  I know cause I am every day and people tell me things and I could care less.  That makes me feel bad, but thier joy or pain I have no energy for honestly feeling good or bad for them.  Plus the good stuff depresses me and the bad they have partners for.  I’m a good actress tho.