If You're Going Through Hell

[Margm]

I have gotten very cynical Gwen, about life, religion, politics, friends.  The problems they are having with all the people and actually more than half are men that have been sexually molested by doctors and priests and people they trust.  At one time there was a vigilante group of women in Brazil that when a woman was raped, beaten up, or molested, these women would find the man and "take care of the problem."  I don't think they would kill him, but I doubt that he had use of an appendage to do his dirty  deeds with again.  That was years ago and all I can think of is if we took care of some of these problems ourselves, vigilante justice seems fair.  God said vengeance is his, but I really have prayed that he would let me watch once or twice.  

My granddaughter is hypothyroid and will take medicine all her life, and will be tired all her life.  

I think most of us lost our "energy" when we lost our mate and we just muddle through what life throws at us.  I could always swing a bat and hit the ball a long way in the outfield, but as slow as I run could hardly make it to first base.  Thus is life my sweet friend.  I have to have some membrane pulled off my eardrum and he told me it was going to be painful.  I have not been back, but I gotta go.  I'm tired.  I don't want anymore pain.  But I sure don't like this roaring noise either.  Oh well, at least it is not my other end.  

[scba]

Keanu Reeves: ‘Grief and loss, those things don’t ever go away’

"In 1999, his long-term girlfriend, Jennifer Syme, gave birth to their daughter Ava, who was stillborn. The couple broke up soon after, and two years later Syme was killed in a car accident. He has also never spoken publicly about their deaths, and who can blame him? But given that the heart of the Wick films is about him mourning a lost love, the resonance is hard to ignore.

"What is it about grief that interests him? “Well, for the character and in life, it’s about the love of the person you’re grieving for, and any time you can keep company with that fire, it is warm. I absolutely relate to that, and I don’t think you ever work through it. Grief and loss, those are things that don’t ever go away. They stay with you.”

Has he been thinking more about the people he has lost as he’s grown older? “I don’t think it’s about getting older. It’s always with you, but like an ebb and flow,” he says".

 

 

[KarenK]

This is stupid and I know it. Tonight, I knocked my favorite coffee mug(empty) off the counter and it shattered into many pieces,along with what's left of my heart. I just sobbed. It was a souvenir mug from Yellowstone. I had waited 50 years to return to the Tetons and surrounding area where I spent the best summers of my life. We made the trip before Debbie and Ron were diagnosed with cancer, a good time in our lives filled with traveling memories.

My son is a whiz with steady hands and Gorilla Glue and although it won't be usable, I will keep it for the memory. The older I get, the more those memories fade from my brain.

Too bad Gorilla Glue doesn't work on hearts.

[iPraiseHim]

On 5/30/2019 at 1:35 AM, KarenK said:

This is stupid and I know it. Tonight, I knocked my favorite coffee mug(empty) off the counter and it shattered into many pieces,along with what's left of my heart. I just sobbed. It was a souvenir mug from Yellowstone. I had waited 50 years to return to the Tetons and surrounding area where I spent the best summers of my life. We made the trip before Debbie and Ron were diagnosed with cancer, a good time in our lives filled with traveling memories.

My son is a whiz with steady hands and Gorilla Glue and although it won't be usable, I will keep it for the memory. The older I get, the more those memories fade from my brain.

Too bad Gorilla Glue doesn't work on hearts.

I completely understand.  Things break, stop working, and it feels like a piece of them is slipping away. However, I know that they memories are always in my heart.  Gorilla duct tape is great for most things but won't fix a broken heart. - Shalom

 

[Margm]

On 5/30/2019 at 12:35 AM, KarenK said:

Too bad Gorilla Glue doesn't work on hearts.

The minor difficulty about living with me was the commode seat.  Poor Billy was fixing new commode seats all the time.  He's gone, the commode seat is my problem.  So, I get the Gorilla glue for the screws in the back of the commode seat.  I am devastated every day without my Billy, but that Gorilla glue has kept that commode seat screwed in the back now for three years.  Just in the screws.  It lifts up and down normally so it can be cleaned, so I substitute Billy with Gorilla glue.

The coffee cup, I understand.  He was with me, our only visit ever to Bass Pro Shop.  We wander all over the store in Little Rock and Billy does not buy anything.  He thinks they are too expensive and prefers his "toy aisles" at Walmart.  You remember, I leave him in the toy section while I get groceries.  (I visited the toy section the other day, I have avoided the fishing tackle section for going on four years.)  I still did not enjoy the visit.  At Bass Pro Shop I had bought the coffee cup I still use, it is about five years or more old.  I need to put it up, save it, like Karen's Gorilla glue cup.  A memory of days gone by.  

I am not young.  I have a couple of those big plastic storage boxes filled with Billy's "fly ties" and all the pieces of fluff, crochet yarn, deer hair, squirrel hair, all the things he used to tie flies for fly fishing.  It was one of his hobbies.  Family mentioned selling his flies on Ebay or advertise them and when they pushed like that, he would take his vise that held the flies and the clamp on light, all the natural things he used, and he would put them back in the box.  Selling them made a job of a hobby he loved and he would pack them away.  Now I have all that.  When I pass on they will go to  my family.  Cannot put them in the trash.  The only thing is, it will be something I do not have to worry about.  Bittersweet memories.

Addendum:  07/05/2019:  Have told the kids when they mix our ashes, when the time comes, to just sprinkle all the flies and fly tying materials all around our cardboard box.  They liked that idea.  I do too.  Billy would too.  I don't want to sell them, he was an artist at tying flies.  So, we'll just keep them close.

[kayc]

Karen,

It's not stupid.  It's a representation of that beautiful place in your heart, memories of all that was good, before it went south.  I'm glad your son was able to glue it together.

[Margm]

I have my "Grandma Angel" figurine that has one of her wings broke moving down here and have not fixed it yet.  Scott will fix it for me.  My  hands shake too bad.  Karen, I think I will put my cup by his urn, I put all the stuff I want to save by it.  There is a bookcase at the end of my hall, to the right is my bedroom door and I run my fingers over the picture of him and me with his high cheek bones, I can almost feel them.

I got tickled going into my daughter's apartment a few minutes ago.  There were three little ole women (probably about my age) and they were arguing about how we will ascend to Heaven, what it says in the Bible, and their belief.  I don't know if they agreed with me cause I left, but I told them my husband was coming to get me.  I don't know how such things happen, but I thought it ironic that people my age were talking, arguing about our next trip.  

[Margm]

Y'all know my biggest guilt was getting angry at Billy because he was letting me know he had to give up.  He held his hands out to me and I slapped them down and said "NO!!" and lay my head down next to him, on the bed, and he left.  From the time I typed this young couple's death summary for the husband and the doctor said the wife was rocking him like a baby, in her arms, I knew that if it ever happened, I would do this.  How many times I have beat myself up, you cannot imagine.  I was not going to let him go.  He had fought so hard keeping me safe during the cancer, the colon rupture, he nursed me back to health.  In fact, he wanted to do everything for me, yet giving him a bedbath hurt his ego so bad.  He was my baby and nothing was taboo in taking care of him.  Couldn't he see that?  I took care of him like he did me, but it was something he would not tolerate.  

I just read Katie Couric's looking back at her first husband's death and things she would have changed.  She would have talked about the terminal illness.  I would not let Billy talk about it because it was not going to happen, I was not going to let him go.  We had had too many miracles with him and with me........but, this time he did not listen.  I can put it behind that door in my mind, but reading Katie's account of her first husband's death opened the door wide open.  His only words to me were "don't you know I see the worry in your eyes."

Okay, that's it, I will close the door again.

[kayc]

Marg, I think that it is natural we want them to stay.  It was the same with us.  He was having a heart attack, they were working on him (in the hospital) and I could tell he was going, I cried out "Hang in there!" and he shook his head no.  Again I cried out, again he shook his head.  Had they let me stay I would have told him it was okay, and reassured him I would be okay to relieve his mind and let him go, but I never got that option, the nurse shoved me out the door and locked it behind me.  I couldn't even get on the ward.  I've always felt angry about that, she had no right.  I wish I could have stood next to his head and reassured him, been with him when he went to his other place.  Instead I too have beat myself up, wondered if he felt I deserted him.  I don't know how conscious he was of what was going on in there, did he realize I didn't leave of my own accord?  He was in so much pain, his eyes were bugging out.  I only hope he hears my heart's cry now and KNOWS I would never leave him willingly, I wanted only to be by his side through everything.

Damn this is hard!

[Margm]

Most days I can stop thinking about it, self-preservation sets in.  I know my friend, she had fussed with her husband and then had to leave out of state to their granddaughter's life saving surgery, and young man that he was, it was 21 years ago now, and he had an aneurysm during the night, she could not get him on the phone, her relative (at her permission) had him cremated.  She could not get back home fast enough, and for 21 years she has been haunted by guilt.  Beautiful woman, never even thought of another marriage.  Some times I put it behind that invisible door in my mind.  Sometimes I can do it.  Then  reading Katie Couric's "things she would have done differently" just knocked that door off its hinges.  There it was, all over again..  Mama passed away 10 months later.  I closed her eyes and told her to please tell Billy I was sorry.  He knows I was though, he knew me.  After 54 years, he knew me.  I just feel I let him down when he needed me the most.  That feeling will never leave, no matter how hard I try to keep that door shut.  I cannot get the picture out  of my  head.  Never will.  He would get tickled because (before cell phones) I would get down the road and could not remember if I had told him I loved him.  We could never leave without saying that, it was a strict rule with him because his family never said it.  It certainly was not hard to say, but if I forgot whether I did or not I would turn around and come back.  He liked that.  I was so happy for cell phones. When I talk to him, that is the main thing I repeat over and over.  Just a trigger from reading the story Katie Couric had mentioned.  So, some things still haunt us all, and then we pick ourselves up and go on.  That is all we can do.  

[iPraiseHim]

11 hours ago, Marg M said:

.... Some times I put it behind that invisible door in my mind.  Sometimes I can do it.  Then  reading Katie Couric's "things she would have done differently" just knocked that door off its hinges.  There it was, all over again..  Mama passed away 10 months later.  I closed her eyes and told her to please tell Billy I was sorry.  He knows I was though, he knew me.  After 54 years, he knew me.  I just feel I let him down when he needed me the most.  That feeling will never leave, no matter how hard I try to keep that door shut.  I cannot get the picture out  of my  head.  Never will...

Marg,

You are entitled to your feelings but let me share with you what I am learning on this grief/healing journey.  I have mentioned many times that FEELINGS are not necessarily facts  but upon examination, they lead us to  TRUTH. 

I have learned that when I tell myself I can't do something then my mind/will/emotions find a way to make sure I can't.  For example, When I first started weight resistance training, If I had told myself, " I could never do that!"  Then I would never have tried.  My least favorite exercise is leg squats.  I could only do three sets of five(5) leg squats.  It FELT like it was impossible to hit the goal of 3 sets of thirty (30).  Yet feelings are not FACTS.  I started thinking I could do one more on each visit.  After six months, I am now up to 3 sets of 33 leg squats. 

You already KNOW he FORGAVE you because he KNOWS you and you KNOW him.  The challenge is that you have not forgiven yourself for something you simply were not able/ready to do at that moment.  You can FORGIVE yourself NOW.  Billy already has!

As I read your post,  I remember clearly screaming to God , " NO God .. not now Please I don't want this now!" when I found Rose Anne's lifeless body. I forgot about this until I just read your post.  God is not mad or angry with me.  I just couldn't mentally accept it at that time.   It has taken awhile yet I have come to accept now. 

That door has opened up for you now to open up and examine it.  You can either stuff it back in it's box or be willing to be willing to face it that you were just not ready then to accept Billy's passing.  This is a normal reaction. 

Please ponder forgiving yourself, Marg. Billy loves you and so do we.  {{{HUGS}}}   😘- Shalom

[Margm]

Thank you.  I really think I do good as long as I don't out-think myself.  I remember your finding Rose Anne.  I know Billy is more perfect than I am right now, but, I know he forgave me.  I can shut the door and sometimes even open it.  Thought things were okay until I read someone else with the same feelings.  I can handle it, I've done pretty good without a pity party too often.  Not giving in to it anymore.  Well, cannot say that for sure.  We all have a lot to miss, but we had a lot to love and not everyone gets that chance.  Thanks again. 

[Margm]

Accidental double, sorry.

[kayc]

In reading your posts here, George and Marg, and my own, I realize that coming to terms with their death is a process.  We might start out saying "No!" but we have to remember we didn't have but a moment in time to even digest it!  We absolutely do need to be understanding and forgiving of ourselves if we feel we didn't respond as perfectly as we could have.  Remember to throw the "shoulds" away!  This is a process that takes oh so much more time than merely a moment.  it takes a lifetime.

[Margm]

1 hour ago, kayc said:

This is a process that takes oh so much more time than merely a moment.  it takes a lifetime.

Your right Kay.  Just when you think you can stand up straight, by yourself, you can get knocked back down with a feather, but your only choice is to get back up again.  It is not always "I" and it really is "we," even though you can see the flowers again, can concentrate to read a book again, can see the change in seasons.  George is so right (as he always is), we have to forgive ourselves, mainly, we have to get out of our  own head.  I'm so sorry about Arlie, know what good care you take of him.  I just read about a dog from Australia that had just went to sleep.  He was 30.  Amazing.  They asked some movie star on a talk show something about his idea of death and he said the most logical answer, and my words are not like his.  He said it was about all the people who would grieve.  

[kayc]

Wow, I only wish I could have 30 years with Arlie.  Alas, with his Colitis and Cancer, it's not to be, if ever a dog were deserving, it is him.

Yeah, feather indeed!

[Margm]

This was #58, and we would have taken it "ho-hum" and no kicking up our heels.  We usually just traded cards that were heartfelt and read the passages of the card and underlined.  I guess we were about as romantic as we could/would get.  Scott was 8 days old on our first anniversary and we went to a drive-in down the street from where we lived for a coke.  Billy was not a drinker.........I was, but I could not handle much without throwing up.  So, alcohol was not part of our anniversaries.  A fishing trip was usually in our plans and before catch and release, the picture below tells it like it usually was.  I remember one time, and this was not the time in the picture, I caught a huge bass on the bayou on one of the back roads, always lived between the bayous, or close to Bodcau and Dorcheat.  I don't have a picture of the big fish caught on our anniversary (we used my dad's jon-boat to get up into the cypress stumps, lots of shallow water, and my bass had just gotten rid of her eggs, so she was skinny, but still big.  Then, for my birthday the next month of August, he presented me with that fish.  I still have her and the date July 3, 1977.  Billy was never good about picking out presents, but this was an original.  He did good.  Yes, I would repeat all 54 years I lived with him, the good, the bad, and even the ugly.  I would not have changed a thing.  I knew I would not die of boredom.  Now, I'm not so sure.  I do miss him.  I have the strange phenomenon of thinking I see him ever so often, just the tall lanky man, but of course I know it is not him, and no sadness envelops me like it did nearly four years ago.  

(Bible speak here)  For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.  (1 Corinthians 13:12)

I have picked up books on the Bible, some "explaining" things that maybe I don't care to understand.  I have questioned some things and that goes against everything I was taught.  I find peace in believing as I believed as a child.  Mama said to never question the Bible.  Many do.  I will not do it again, it messes with my faith, and I cannot lose my mustard seed faith.  

As to using the jon-boat, which was about 12 feet and Billy paddled it, we had so many big bass boats that I finally had to get him to sign a paper saying we would buy no more.  He was always getting bigger bass boats, faster ones, (but I liked to fish the bayou's and not the big lakes).  We had the two man bass boat one time that looked like a tiny party barge.  I could handle it myself.  We had pirogue's that were sturdy, but I stood up in one that kept going and landed in the lake.  My last pirogue.  I loved being on top of the water, did not want in it.  

[brat#2]

You are in my thoughts today Marg.  Like the picture and it sounds like you had the best kind of anniversaries you could have, just being together.  That's how we would celebrate ours too, nothing special, just spending time together.  Hugs

 

[KarenK]

Marg,

You and I looked almost like twins when we were younger, but I think you were better looking.  lol   You really don't look too excited about holding those fish. I used to love fishing, never caught much, but it was fun. Ron would outfish me every time.

Love ya

[Margm]

Karen, that is such a compliment, thank you.  I know you looked far better and wish I was that size now.  I am saying that while I am drinking a banana shake.  Busy day, went to see Spiderman, Far From Home, and yes, I am in my second childhood.  

[Gwenivere]

Marg, how come Billy has the big fish and you the little ones?   Did he outfish ya?  🙂

[Margm]

Most of the time Gwen.  The thing is, I taught him how to fish.  He knew about setting out poles on the bank for catfish, but he had never fished with rod and reel. He taught himself the different fly fishing techniques though and tied his own flies.  I never cared for that much trouble.  One night fishing Toledo Bend, we fished into the morning and I had bruises all over my belly where I had to rest the handle so I could pull in the fish.  I did catch more than him sometimes.  My mom was funny about fishing, if she did not catch more she would quit fishing.  My great grandmother Margaret, when we had fish fries on the creek (yep, I'm country), if she did not catch any fish she would not eat with the rest of us.  

[kayc]

Marg, when I was young my husband I would load up our 59 Ford with potatoes, knife, pan, matches, grease, blankets (we were too poor for camping gear) and head out to Hills Creek, a couple hours away.  We'd spend the night in the car (not too comfortable but when you're young you can do it) and get up and start fishing.  We'd fry our catch along with some potatoes and that's what we ate.  We loved it!  

I've been allergic to fish since my son was born over 35 years ago, can't touch, breath, ingest them.  Kind of takes the fun out of fishing.  I used to go with George, he LOVED fishing and I'd just enjoy the nature while he fished or else I'd have to wear rubber gloves which takes a lot of the joy out of it.  He'd help me because it's hard to maneuver with gloves on.

[Margm]

Kay, I never cleaned the fish.  That was something Billy always did.  My mom cleaned them too.  I have two of Billy's fillet knives and he would slice the sides of those big bass and catfish off, but we also ate the various pan fish too.  Somehow fishing is a part of our past I cannot continue without him.  I read his books and feel closer, but maybe it is because I don't want to clean the fish, and maybe it is because as southerners we put  our fish in cornmeal to cover them to fry.  I cannot have cornmeal and have used flour once and it is not the same.  

I was not allergic to peanut butter but got sick when I was pregnant with one of my kids and it would make me nauseated all these many years later, so discarded the eating of peanut butter.  Strange, I tried it recently (I am allowed smooth peanut butter), and it did not make me sick.  So, another fattening thing my low residue diet allows that I love again.

Brianna was allergic to fish when she was younger (shellfish), but orders it occasionally now.  Did you know the Royal Family will not eat shellfish because of the possibility of someone getting sick from it.  (Just a tidbit of useless knowledge).  

[kayc]

I can eat shellfish, I can't have the free fish I can catch!  (no finned fish)